If you were a SAHM ... how did you swing it?

[TheBeesKnee]

Was the secret having a husband with a well paid job? Or something else?

I have a series of KIT days coming up. Baby is 8 months old. I can't bear the thought of leaving him. He changes so much day to day and I would love to stop work but we have a mortgage to pay. I am literally devastated.

Short of relocating somewhere VERY cheap I just don't see how I could take any more time off work. I'm only really able to take a year off because we were saving money for IVF when I fell pregnant after 4 years of trying.

It just all feels so shit.

When I fell pregnant we had everything go wrong, I managed to fall down a crack on maternity leave. Something technical meant I only got about 6 weeks money. Then the credit crisis happened and were worried dh would loose his job etc.
So we cut our cloth accordingly. When your back is at the wall it does transform how you think.
Our mortgage was high so we cut down to one car, didn't buy anything new for years, we joined freecyle.
Our furniture is lovely but is mostly free. We got free garden toys, free house toys, bags of clothes all free.
Certainly no gym membership or hair etc the only thing I kept up was waxing.
Dh likes running which is free. Our kitchen was an 89s orange horror, we just painted over it all which brightening it up for a few years and i made it my job to get us the best quality food for the lowest price.
I certainly couldn't do it now but i had a rhythm on all the mark down days and times for marks, waitrose and sainsbury. Dd went to cheap toddler groups with me 1 50 a time.

I started saving in 2 pound a week for dd bday and Christmas. We sold stuff on Ebay, eg branded aftershave dh got a gift and didn't like.

We also got baby stuff from amazing baby sales dirt cheap and wondeful brands including clothes and toys and we also sold at sales and car boots.

Basically we went down to the bare bones and certainly no "package holidays" anywhere.
We joined yha and when they had a sale we would go away for a couple of days, taking our own food mixed with odd days at the beach for dd.
Even one night away was amazing and felt longer if the weather played ball.

ALSO dh worked hard on reducing all our bills, switching to better cheaper providers, we spent ages working out how to reduce our mortgage payments.

Dh was not on a great wage at all and dare not move jobs because of the crisis it was last in first out and he survived several redundancy rounds so we felt it safer to stay put.

Now things have eased considerably, I'm back at work after several years out, dh is in a much better paying role and we have our new kitchen. We can afford proper holidays!
I look back on that time with fondness. Great fondness but I do feel upset sometimes when friends and acquaintance have said "oh your so lucky to be able to stay at home" especially when simultaneously they were doing everything we stopped doing including getting the new bathroom /kitchens there and then, going on fancy holiday and so on.

It feels like a little blip now and like it never happened, the time went so fast and dd is late teens and off with her friends.
I'm working my pension is getting topped up etc etc etc. But I glad circumstances forced us into that.

Was coming on to say the same… there was no ‘swung’ anywhere in sight.. there was a very scary consultant saying the only way you are going to manage is if one of you gives up work….

I'm a SAHM. Husband isn't a mega earner - out household income is ~30K. Mortgage is £600 per month. I think we just naturally live very frugally. I'm not one who likes to buy a lot of stuff. We've always bought second hand wherever possible for environmental reasons, so that helps.

Things are quite tight, but we have a specific outgoing that's costing us £250 per month that will come to an end in a year or two. So when we don't have to pay that anymore, we will be in a much more comfortable position.

We did with saving up before, and my DH earns ok. I was like you OP i wanted to be at home raising him (until school age), and I would have been very miserable having to leave our DS. We knew how we wanted to do things and luckily nothing happened that made us change what we had planned for.
Most the SAHP i know are the same, they have saved and have a dp that earns ok.

We didn't have to "sacrifice" anything really as we never spent lots on "stuff" before.

My DH earns £38k and I work part time earning £27k. I wouldn't say either are particularly good salaries. But I do feel wealthy. We don't spend a lot on frivilous things and we have a good pot of savings. It helps that we work as team with money and there's no resentment (as I sometimes see on here). We paid for 3 days of nursery a week too so no childcare help.

I am a SAHM. Having DS triggered a lot of trauma from my abusive childhood which over the years led to break down after break down and a fall down the career ladder until eventually in 2020 I couldn’t work anymore. Fortunately by then DH earned enough that I didn’t need to work. Have now had EMDR and am much better. Currently doing IVF and hope to return to work over the next few years. Am doing career research as don’t want to return to my former work.

I do love being around for DS when he isn’t in school but I do need to carve out something for myself (doesn’t have to be paid, I may go down the voluntary route).

On the face of it, no it doesn’t make sense. However, when you consider the impact further down the line, depending on your job, it does. I knew if I left my workplace I wouldn’t find another as flexible due to the years I’d already worked there. I’m glad I kept my foot in the door, to start with just a day or two a week that more or less covered the childcare but now, 10 years later, I’m earning more than I did pre-children and our family benefits as a result.

I am not a SAHM but work part time. This was a choice i made and DH agreed. In fact he told me i didn't have to work but i said i wanted to plus the extra money means we don't have to make financial sacrifices.

At 8 months i remember my baby being quite cute. Crawling but not walking. Generally quite easy. By 9 months she was walking and racing around crashing into things, no sense of danger and just generally being a loon. By 12 months old I was glad to return to work!

She's 2 now and it's only just getting better due to speech and knowing she won't roll off the settee and die. Saying that, in the supermarket yesterday she screamed blue murder for a babybel I'd put in the trolley

Sorry OP i dont see if you have a partner in this ??

The most important thing if you do have a partner, is that they need to see the value in it also. It simply will not work if your Partner does not. If it had not been a joint decision then it can be a recipe for disaster.

The idea of 'swinging' anything makes me think of a teenager blagging a lift or money from parents for a night out. Rather juvenile and implies you want to trick your H into being lady of leisure..... trying your best dodge the work bullet.

Feeling like this is totally normal and you will feel it for a few months after but it settles down.

My view, when this was me many years ago, was I just wanted the child to be cared for by one of us as much as possible. So my ideal would have been both of us part-time to cover majority of care at home. It most certainly wasn't about trying swing anything. 🙄

I didn't work out as exH wasn't having it. Seemed to think I was 'swinging' something by suggesting we share the care and time with the child. I earned loads more than him so didn't have much choice but to rtw in the end but that worked out for the best all round. He is the exH and this attitude is one of those reasons I left him.

I would try and go back. It’s hard at first and you don’t know how you’ll fit everything in. Going back to a full time job and having another full time job (the baby!) But it does work. My advice is to make sure you and OH are equal partners and you’re not doing everything at home, whilst he “helps” occasionally.
You need to think long term here. Don’t limit your life by reducing your financial choices. Your earning power and pension are a significant factor to consider. It may not seem important now - but it will be.

I was a SAHM for a little while, out of necessity really, as OH worked away Monday to Friday and my work didn’t fit in with usual childcare provision
Oh earned well, so it was possible
I returned to work when DC started school, as OH had got a different role by then and a family member could also help with childcare
I loved having the experience of being a SAHM, but I got bored after a year or so and was keen to return to work!

Thing is OP, you will damned if you and damned if you don’t being a SAHM. I am although I have a small business that I do from home now instead of a part time job. The reason I am is because I’m an older mum and this was the only chance I had to be a mother so I wanted to savour it, we also relocated when our DD was a baby so I couldn’t return to my previous career (not that I wanted to ) and because we are older we were further along in our careers and had maybe more house equity etc.
It does surprise me that at school I get asked where I work all the time though, it seems a SAHM isn’t a thing and you are expected to work but they don’t see the journey we had to get here, I don’t know theirs either so you just have to do what is right for your family. I personally couldn’t have put my DD in nursery at that age, especially not for a job I hated but then we didn’t absolutely have to.

i was the main breadwinner when I was pregnant, dh earned minimum wage, but he applied for and got a much better job which reversed the tables and because we had been used to living pretty much on one salary it was not that bad. No holidays or days out or new clothes and we lived very simply for a long time but it was one of the happiest times in my life and I have never regretted it. I worked evenings and weekends doing care work and call centre work when youngest was 1 which made a big difference financially. I’m back in work full time now but honestly I feel so grateful to gave had those few years, it was hard and there were times when I doubted myself but in hindsight it was the best decision for us. Good luck with what you decide

I was a SAHP 2000-2008, when our mortgage was £500 and I could feed 3 on £45 a week.

I am a SAHM and will be until my child goes to school.

I worked for 20 years first and we bought a house that we could afford on 1 salary.

We're only having 1 child as can't afford for me to be not working for more than 5 years, can't afford childcare and don't want to.

We don't go on holidays and our cars are quite old.

We get a fair bit of financial help from our lovely parents (who can afford it and offer it).

I felt like a SAHM when mine were young, because I had my daytimes free, however, I worked from 6pm-11pm four evenings per week and then at the weekends I had a housekeeping job for six hours.

I suppose I earnt about £250 pw but it was better than nothing

My mum is a registered childminder which meant she was always there when we were little. It might be completely different to your current field, but it's a great way to be at home with your child/ten whilst still earning. The other kids being around to play with was a bonus too!

*child/ren

I completely understand OP, all I wanted to do once I had my first was look after her full time.

My husband was only on 27k at the time (nearly 12 years ago) and our mortgage was £400 a month. We had a crappy car and only shopped at Aldi.
My husband worked out our daily budget which I think was £40 a day but he would regularly update me, so if I'd put £60 of petrol in the car one day then the daily budget would go down to say £38. It sounds tedious but it really helped during that time!
Mumsnet seems to take a very dim view of choosing to be a SAHM but the 7 years I did it for with my two were absolutely wonderful and I have zero regrets!

DH unexpectedly got a much better paid job the week before DS2 was born and we also had a inheritance payment meaning we could pay a chunk of mortgage off.
Couple that with not paying nursery fees for 2 children.
That said we haven't had a holiday in 5 years and I'm strict with household budget, creative with days out and buy a fair wack of all our clothes on Vinted.
I went back to work after DS1 was born and I absolutely didn't want to but it was surprising how quickly I enjoyed being back and it all went a lot better than I imagine. Can you go part time?

Having a high-earning partner, being made redundant at a convenient time, or not earning enough for it to feel financially viable to fund nursery (particularly if no family help).

I couldn't wait to go back to work so 'swinging it' doesn't apply in my case. I do think that being a SAHM has huge positives for a child but if I was in any of the situations above I would have felt very trapped in that situation so I really sympathise but don't empathise with you, if that makes sense.

You may find you enjoy KIT days more than you think. You could consider part time or a career break if possible.

I suppose I would try to think long term as well. I went back full time but to a relatively well-paid job (I guess I would describe it as a career rather than job). It was more important to me to be around a bit more once DC was at school than when they were a baby, so I decided to bide my time and 'swung' (IMO) part time a few years later to fit around school, which had/has a lot of benefits. Also remember you don't need to be in the job you're in now forever.

Hardly. My partner is white collar rather than our hunting our own meet and we live in the middle of a medium sized town.

I dropped down to two days per week and used family for childcare. I was earning about the same as I would have been if I was full time and paying for nursery. Financially it made sense and I found two days a week away from baby more manageable.

With our second we moved away and couldn't use family anymore so I have taken an evening/ weekend job, no childcare required. My 'career' is down the pan though.

Lots of people round us do pay for a fair bit of stuff. Particularly garden work.
We do things like take broken bikes and rebuild them so the kids can do mountain biking. We have repaired windows ourselves. My partner fitted a new door and have done our cork flooring.

We manage to be a one income family by making sure we live within our means. I was just giving some examples of how we do it.