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Not sure if I should have children or not?

80 replies

uhwefpuh · 12/01/2024 20:12

Evening all,

I'm aware time is ticking away, I'm 35, and if we are going to try we need to start soon.

To be honest life is great, it's never been better and that's the problem. Work is going well, I wake up at 9am during the week and 10-11am at the weekend.

We go out all the time, go to the gym, active holidays, do what we want when we want, our house is very tidy and takes very little work to keep clean and we don't have any money worries.

I always thought I'd have children, my DM had my brother when I was 8 and I helped out a fair amount. I know it seems bizarre to say but part of me feels like I've already done it.

It's a big and life changing decision, once it's done life will never ever go back to how it was. That's scary for me as like I said, life has never been better.

Part of me is wishing I'd have done it at 18 and they'd be independent now.

Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
uhwefpuh · 12/01/2024 20:14

I don't really know where life went. One minute I was 16 now I'm nearly 36, all in the blink of an eye.

OP posts:
EmpressaurusOfTheSevenOceans · 12/01/2024 20:15

You’ll get people saying ‘Just do it, you’ll never regret it, just have one & your life will barely be any different.’

I’d say that if you have kids and realise you preferred your life the way it was, you’re stuck. So be very sure first.

uhwefpuh · 12/01/2024 20:16

Thanks EmpressaurusOfTheSevenOceans. It's such a big decision.

OP posts:
lljkk · 12/01/2024 20:18

You're happy now. Why fix something that isn't broken?

uhwefpuh · 12/01/2024 20:19

I think part of the issue is really it would have been much harder to have a child before now, due to having far less money, studying, renting and so on.

It feels like there is only a small window of opportunity :(. Forcing your hand.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 12/01/2024 20:21

I was very happy without children and had a great life. I didn't want children. DH talked me into one and yes, it is the best thing I've ever done. She is literally the best person in the world and she lives in my house.

However, I am extremely lucky. I have a DH who actually does half, not says he does half. I don't mind mess and a little chaos and DD (not without challenges) fits our life. She's stoic and adventurous. If I'd had a shy, slow-approach introvert who liked home, not sure if I would be as happy!

SisterMichaelsHabit · 12/01/2024 20:21

You should never have a baby if you're not sure you want one because you'll really resent all the grunt work involved and the way your life changes.

Having said that, there really never is a good time to have a baby so if you're waiting for life to slow down that's unlikely to happen. You just have to squeeze it in somewhere if you want one.

GlitteryDirt · 12/01/2024 20:22

Don't have children

PSEnny · 12/01/2024 20:22

Do you want children? Don’t have a child because you think you should or because ‘time is running out’. If you’re happy and aren’t the type of women who is desperate for kids then I’d say don’t do it.
No more lie ins, no gym whenever you like, thousands on childcare…

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/01/2024 20:23

SisterMichaelsHabit · 12/01/2024 20:21

You should never have a baby if you're not sure you want one because you'll really resent all the grunt work involved and the way your life changes.

Having said that, there really never is a good time to have a baby so if you're waiting for life to slow down that's unlikely to happen. You just have to squeeze it in somewhere if you want one.

Edited

Maybe. But my experience of people who really wanted one versus people who didn't know was that the second group are far more realistic about the challenges. I knew how hard it would be, that's why I was reticent. DH didn't, that's why he was gung-ho.

EmpressaurusOfTheSevenOceans · 12/01/2024 20:23

uhwefpuh · 12/01/2024 20:19

I think part of the issue is really it would have been much harder to have a child before now, due to having far less money, studying, renting and so on.

It feels like there is only a small window of opportunity :(. Forcing your hand.

Maybe the question is what you think you’d get out of having children, and whether it would be worth losing the things you listed in your OP.

Full disclosure - the closest thing I’ve ever had to a maternal urge is my feeling for my foster cats, so I am only coming at this from one side.

mnahmnah · 12/01/2024 20:23

The way I think of it (as someone who for a long time didn’t want children but now has two), is imagine being in your 90s, looking back over your life and feeling happy with how it went. Do you see children, grandchildren in that? Or do you see the life you have now?

It is very hard to know how your life will go with children. You can’t judge it by anyone else’s children, parenting or lifestyle. So you have to be sure you will be happy to throw yourself into it no matter what parenting throws your way. Yes it’s rewarding and you love your children beyond explanation. But it is hard and you need to be prepared to give it your all.

NuffSaidSam · 12/01/2024 20:24

If you're not sure, don't have one.

It's actually much simpler than it seems!

Doggymummar · 12/01/2024 20:24

I wouldnt in your shoes. We considered it and decided our life was great and it would spoil the dynamic. Too many people on this planet anyway. 54 now and no regrets(no mortgage or debt either)

mrsfollowill · 12/01/2024 20:35

I wouldn't do it if you have doubts- how does your partner feel? Unless you are both 100% onboard with it don't- it can be like throwing a grenade into your relationship. To us it was worth it but it meant such a shift in lifestyle. We expected it and got through the tough times.
Kids can and do bring you joy! I never felt closer to DH than when I had just given birth and we instantly became a unit of 3. Seeing DS grow up and become an adult has been wonderful- we have had many brilliant times along with the no so good moments!
If you both want children and are united go for it- if either has doubts then I wouldn't - you will end up bitter and resentful of each other.

Greyskiesbutyoucarryon · 12/01/2024 20:51

Life is a delicate balance of responsibilities, aspirations, and relationships. It's perfectly understandable for a 35-year-old in a stable relationship to question whether having children will disrupt the freedoms they currently enjoy.

Firstly, what has influenced your desire to have kids at this point in your life?

As someone who went through a difficult period with an abusive ex and reached their 30s uncertain about parenthood, I can relate. I always thought I didn't want kids. However, when I found the right partner, I went for it. Even during pregnancy I thought to myself "Wtf am I doing?" "Why am I doing this?" "This is insane."

However having children has brought me immense joy and fulfillment. Witnessing their growth, experiencing their laughter, and sharing in their milestones can be incredibly rewarding. In my own experience, my 2 are the light of my life.

With that said its hard. My life changed. I'm acutely aware I'm raising future citizens of the world. Humans who I have the responsibility to care for, love, educate, prepare for life so that one day they can live it without me.

There is a nasty societal pressure and criticism towards women who choose not to have, or in many instances can't have, children. They often face stereotypes, get called cat ladies, are told that they've ruined humanity or they'll have boring monotonous lonely lives, blah blah blah. Wah wah wah. Don't take any advice from bullies. Bbase your decision on what truly aligns with your desires. No one else can make that decision for you and if I'm totally honest I think whatever decision you make a tiny bit of you will wonder if you've made the wrong choice from time to time.

Parenthood isn't easy. It involves its fair share of chores, sacrifices, and exhaustion. Anyone who suggests being childfree is monotonous and lonely should try becoming a parent. There are plenty of lonely, bored mums. It is by no means a walk in the park. Forvall the heartache and work stress, I wouldn't be without my kids, but if I didn't have them and never met them, I would probably be content and find joy and fulfillment of a different kind.

Whatever choice you make, whether it involves having children or not, should be driven by your and your husbands own personal choices, not the expectations or criticisms of others.

Ultimately, it sounds like you are in a position to make the best decision for yourself. Trust yourself, follow your instincts, and remember that you have the ability to create a fulfilling life, with or without children.

Sorry because that probably was no help!

... the choice is yours ... ha ha ha

VeryHungrySeaCucumber · 12/01/2024 21:30

Well my first instinct was to say, if you're not sure, then no. But we can often talk ourselves out of things we do actually want especially in a society where overanalysing planning family is rife. I've seen this with a few friends.

But you don't have too much time, as you say, so a good approach would be to set a time limit for yourself to decide, and make peace in advance that whatever you decide is fine, and there is no wrong or right, and you are not going to then second guess what your 'other' life would have been. You're just going to go for it.

Counselling might be beneficial.

Emily1583 · 12/01/2024 21:35

It sounds like you perhaps do want children but only you know the answer to that deep down.

lightand · 12/01/2024 21:38

What do you want your life to look like in 5 years time? 10 years time?

Kittylala · 12/01/2024 22:18

If you're not sure, then you are doubting yourself. I did.

I wasnt sure, I hated my pregnancy and the baby stage - best thing I ever did though. Now I feel sorry for ppl who don't have kids. Weird that.
I love being mum. It adds another layer to your dimension. It doesn't matter if you don't have kid though - you'll never know.

PermanentTemporary · 12/01/2024 22:29

I couldn't not try to have a child. So I came at this from another angle. I can't really imagine having to choose whether to do it or not, though I get that a lot of it is about timing.

I adore my son, had many wonderful times but I have to say I am incredibly relieved the real grind of parenting is over (he's 20 and he has no additional needs). People say it goes quickly - in my experience it really doesn't. There are few longer days than a long parenting day.

I'd agree with fast forwarding. You at 75 - would you be happy to look back on your life now? Even if there's something missing, is it definitely a child?

luckmewish · 12/01/2024 22:37

If you have a great life don't risk it. I have 2 dd's but had no life before.

vincettenoir · 12/01/2024 23:11

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. It sounds like you are making the best of your life as it is. You would probably make the best of your life with dc. I guess you will be bringing more risk into the equation. But then life is never without risk. All the best, either way.

BringMeSunshine48 · 13/01/2024 00:04

When I was undecided (early 30s at the time) A friend with 2 young children once said to me "unless you REALLY REALLY want children, don't do it". It really resonated. I didn't 'crave' motherhood. I was worried about being regretful in future if I didn't have them.
I'm 48 now and am happily married with no children.
I do what I want when I want, have lie in's, relaxed hols, work part-time and have a lovely chilled life in general.
I have no regrets.

TheBeesKnee · 13/01/2024 00:08

For me, having a baby was not a logical choice. Logically and practically speaking, my life was better when I was free to do as I pleased.

It was very hormonal for be, a primal urge to be pregnant that was overwhelming my thoughts 2/4 weeks consistently for years.

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