Not sure if I should have children or not?

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Evening all,

I'm aware time is ticking away, I'm 35, and if we are going to try we need to start soon.

To be honest life is great, it's never been better and that's the problem. Work is going well, I wake up at 9am during the week and 10-11am at the weekend.

We go out all the time, go to the gym, active holidays, do what we want when we want, our house is very tidy and takes very little work to keep clean and we don't have any money worries.

I always thought I'd have children, my DM had my brother when I was 8 and I helped out a fair amount. I know it seems bizarre to say but part of me feels like I've already done it.

It's a big and life changing decision, once it's done life will never ever go back to how it was. That's scary for me as like I said, life has never been better.

Part of me is wishing I'd have done it at 18 and they'd be independent now.

Any words of wisdom?

I disagree too with the people saying if u are unsure don't do it. everyone should be unsure for a time while they weigh up a big decision.
I never wanted kids and had a perfect life before hand. But I did the "look back at your life and how will you like to have seen it spent. "
and it was with family and love rather than more time going to restaurants and holidays (which u can do when kids are more grown anyway)

also never judge how u feel about kids based on how you feel looking after someone else's- it's absolutely nothing like that when it's your own.

what does make a big difference though is

• knowing your partner. is there any red flags or are they a solid, 50/50, respectful and committed person etc

• Having family close by who you can rely on for help/support if you ever want or need it. even being able to go round to theirs for a few hours while they take the baby when they're very new and you're tired.

the hard bits all feel worth it, and time is flying past. they don't stay little for long.

if you genuinely hate or the thought of then then obviously don't do that as some people clearly should never be parents. however usually rhe people who spend time agonising over it, are the right kind of thoughtful people who would be good. and I havent found it anywhere near as "bad" as so many people like to scare you into. it's been brilliant and exciting and a new fun challenge (but yes tiring)

Unless you have a strong urge to use your life and your free time looking after a child definitely don't do it

As someone who was in your exact position a year ago, and now has an 8 week old, my advice is don't do it. If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would not have decided to have a child

8weeks is barely a toe in the water. Very cute at that stage but so much hard work and exhaustion. I think you end up too tired to appreciate the newborn stage.

Op yes the baby and toddler stages are hard work but life doesn't stop it changes.

Holidays still happen. Days out still happen.

What does your partner want?
If they want kids and you don't then they may leave you for someone else

I don't think anyone really regrets their children. One thing I would say is keep a lid on the number of toys that come into your house.

Im a single parent to one child. I've thoroughly enjoyed my experience of motherhood. Having one is easy, they are transportable, easy to go on holiday with, house stays fairly tidy (I'm the messy one actually). Once they hit 5-7 years you can get them properly involved in your activities whether that's kayaking, rock climbing, hill walking, theatre etc. DD is 14 now a fantastic companion

I think having multiple childre is where the hard work kicks in, trying to please multiple people, juggling various activities, various preferences for food, TV and activities. Sleepless nights for longer etc.

If you think you do want to then I recommend just the one, accept that for the next decade your life will look very different with different experiences but then will start resembling your current life again after all you were 26 a decade ago and that feels like the blink if an eye. Whilst the early days can be hard and long the years are short, looking back you don't really remember the difficulties really, the sleepless nights are a haze, you remember the magic at Christmas when they believe, or their infectious giggle as a toddler.

@Outthedoor24 loads of people regret having a kid, there’s countless threads about it, there’s a FB page where people post anonymously about it. Potentially maybe not regretting a huge lifestyle choice is no reason at all to have a kid.

There is a Mners without children board here, which may be useful to you.

I also think it's more nuanced than "if you're not sure don't". I agree with another poster that being unsure and properly weighing it all up is a good thing. My friends who were certain seemed to find the shock of parenting harder than those who'd been ambivalent. That being said, no one should do it if they don't want to.

FWIW, I was anti-kids for years, all I could see was slog and downsides for women. I could see no good reason to have children.

But three things changed my mind. Firstly, biological urge got me aged 30! Secondly, I was completely confident DH would make an excellent dad and a fair and equal partner in the load (he is). And lastly, the thing I most wanted to share, was I reflected on my future and knew I was ready for a change. Like you, I had a fantastic life. We'd renovated our house, gorgeous holidays, good jobs, loads of time to hang out with friends, nice meals and so on. I thought about whether I wanted to have exactly the same dynamic in 10 years and it scared me thinking it would be the same - I knew I was ready to change it up. I considered whether a new career or living abroad would fix it but no. I wanted the ever-changing life that comes with raising children from babies to adults. I wanted to try a life with cute (non-sleeping) babies, excitable little children, surly teenagers and young adults.

I now have two primary aged children and at times it has been unbelievably tough (hello homeschooling during covid and having kids with additional needs) but I feel I have grown and experienced so much during the last 9 years in ways I couldn't have gained by a new career or whatever. This might not apply to you of course but just my own experience so far of throwing the baby-grenade into my wonderful pre-kid life.

As someone with 2 son’s now 23 and 17 it’s the best decision I ever made and from a purely selfish point of view they helped me develop as a person, challenge myself and I feel it added such a lot of new experiences to my life.
Meeting all of their friends and girlfriends over the years and the different social circles and experiences that it opens up to you are often overlooked.
Now they are grown up we have a great relationship and strong connection, watching their progress it add’s such a lot to my life.
I still work full time and have other hobbies and I think it will not affect your career and hobbies in the long term.
I would recommend that you think about the long term benefit of having a family around you and not just the short term.

I might add that I wasn't sure about having DC, and despite it being much harder than I imagined, I don't regret it.

I know this sounds awful, but I would have been lonely with just DH as he's a very quiet and introverted man ( more so as he gets older) plus my only sibling emigrated ( no chance of being a hands on aunt). I have also found that friends tend to drift away these days, especially post pandemic and given how mobile people are.

Oh also my DC are grown now, and I have nice holidays and hobbies with and without them, though not luxurious ones. I took DD to the ballet yesterday, and it was honestly brilliant. Would never have enjoyed it so much with a friend or anyone else.

Agree.

I had a friend in this position at 40. She had a long term partner and a good life but felt 'I'd this it' on occasion. But she was very on the fence about having kids. So she fostered!
It was amazing and positive and she really felt she helped this child for the time they had him. And it sealed it - no kids of her own.
Frankly kids are such a huge bombshell in one's life my opinion is if in doubt leave them out.

I think most people are unsure, so I agree it's more nuanced than "Only have them if you are a 100% certain".

Thank you all I appreciate the time you’ve taken to reply. X

I desperately wanted my children and I really think this helps... aches, pains, sickness of pregnancy aren't easy but I was so excited and happy that it made it bearable. Birth was hard but so worth it, sleepless nights almost destroyed me but I kept going because I love the bones of them etc etc ...

I think it'd be harder if you're not that fussed. But I've always thought it's harder as you get older and more set in your ways to embrace big changes...and a baby is a big change.

Be led by your heart would be my advice.

I agree with the ambivalent being more realistic about what it’s like to be a parent. I was deeply ambivalent, having never planned to have children, and was expecting it to be messy, complex and challenging. Which it was. And also interesting. And I have one of those cautious, emotional, anxious children @MrsTerryPratchett would find challenging — he’s still brilliant.

I agree with that. Most people have an unsure out look.

You get attracted to the fun stuff, playparks and zoos, school shows and santa.
You think the sleepless nights can't be that bad, etc then you have a baby who's the cutest wee thing. A year or so later your forget the sleepless nights and think wouldn't it be good if they had a wee pal.

And do it all again.

Or if it just doesn't happen, you start obsessing over the fun times that your missing out on

I'm glad to hear that @HarpyRampant

TBF DD seeks those children out and always has a friend group full of them. They are great, they just wouldn't go to Columbia on a whim with me!

A friend of mine says the opposite. She and her DH spent over ten years trying various iterations of IVF, ended up conceiving twins via donor sperm and eggs when they were 43 and 49, and she says the found the combination of the baby stage, a multiple birth, the culmination of ten years of trying AND everyone thinking they must be on cloud nine really tough.

Oh, DS would have no problem with a last-minute trip to Columbia, or charming everyone in pidgin Spanish when he got there — his caution is weirdly specific, like not eating broccoli or telling his stretch maths teacher he doesn’t understand something.

I just try to model confidence and openness to stuff.

8 weeks is a terrible stage IMO. It's definitely not all sweetness and light at the start, newborns can be bloody hard work.

All I can say now DDs are 6 and 4 is that it has progressively become easier and better. They are an absolute joy and such a laugh.

I remember DD1 being about 12 weeks old and I was sobbing and sobbing due to birth injuries, feeding issues and lack of sleep. I wish I could go back and tell old-me that it will be ok and gets better. I can't do that so I'll tell you @Paisley19 . Hang on in there.

Bless you ❤️. Solidarity! I have a 7 week old so i know how you feel. X

Not RTFT but having children isn't really a decision you can change your mind on once you've done it, as you know.

I was feeling similarly on my approach to 30 (so obviously still had time) and I found a podcast called To baby or not to baby and it was a woman around 35 who needed to make the decision fairly soon. She interviewed young parents, old parents, single parents, those who'd gone via alternative routes as both a couple and single. She also interviewed both childless and child free people, I used both those words on purpose.

Give it a listen and see if anything resonates with you? It was quite interesting to hear a variety of experiences.