Not sure if I should have children or not?

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Evening all,

I'm aware time is ticking away, I'm 35, and if we are going to try we need to start soon.

To be honest life is great, it's never been better and that's the problem. Work is going well, I wake up at 9am during the week and 10-11am at the weekend.

We go out all the time, go to the gym, active holidays, do what we want when we want, our house is very tidy and takes very little work to keep clean and we don't have any money worries.

I always thought I'd have children, my DM had my brother when I was 8 and I helped out a fair amount. I know it seems bizarre to say but part of me feels like I've already done it.

It's a big and life changing decision, once it's done life will never ever go back to how it was. That's scary for me as like I said, life has never been better.

Part of me is wishing I'd have done it at 18 and they'd be independent now.

Any words of wisdom?

I love my kids very much and would hate to have gone through life not being a mum. I didn't want kids before I was 30 but then I got to 31 and then found myself more interested in actually having kids. Like I was ready and I just did it. I lost the massive "ick" of pregnancy and birth and it was just the right time.

It's been hard going ever since! My pre-dc life was amazing.

I think if you've got to 36 and you aren't "feeling it" and you're just having a child because you think you should then don't do it.

But make sure your dh is 100% sure he doesn't want DC either. I've known men get broody late in life and I've definitely heard stories on mumsnet of women choosing not to have dc with their partners, only their partners changed their minds and left them to have kids. Rare but extremely harsh when it happens.

I think the expression is "the days are long but the years are short" which is very true for me.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I think someone should only have a child if they both really, really, really want one. Someone described it the other day like a grenade going off, which is a good description. Make sure you know what you're getting into as it's such hard work and most people aren't honest about it

I never wanted (or thought I could have) children. When I found out I was pregnant it was a huge shock but now I’m literally obsessed with becoming a mum. A few weeks left and she will be here 🥰 (It’s not very on brand for me either to be having a baby -my friends were all very shocked!)

I had so many problems which should’ve affected my fertility but thankfully this happened. I don’t think I ever would’ve got to a point where I talked about trying or getting fertility treatment/other options. I just would’ve carried on without and been happy with that decision x

There is no doubt that if you had a baby, life would be different but you would absolutely adore that child however hard it might be at times. But if you think that your life is good enough now without kids then the future of nights out and holidays is limitless! Trust your own instincts

I like the idea of considering future you looking back. Another way is to consider how you'd feel if someone said you can't have children, ever. If the choice was taken away, would you be fine with it?
An option to consider is to just enjoy this time for a little while. Perhaps another 6 months child free + consider it again. There is always the risk with leaving it later that you may face fertility issues and have lost precious time. But that maybe true already and you don't know.
Don't forget that however long you wait, a baby cooks for 9 months so you still get a bit of extra time to be young and free (albeit sober).
Also get your OH to ask the same questions of themselves.
A child is more rewarding and harder work than you ever imagine. You are never truly alone and free again, but wouldn't wish it any other way. I don't believe there is an idea time in life, its more a leap off a cliff into the unknown.

Don’t do it,if you’re not sure.

Don’t do it op.

I have a 3 year old and a newborn. I love them so much but i’m exhausted and i miss my old life. It’s been a detriment to my mental and physical health and can be very isolating. And my money goes on childcare.

The reason i’m awake posting at 3.50 is my 3 year old having a tantrum and my newborn only wanting to sleep on me.

As a mother myself, I'm not going to say do it.

Your happy and it's OK not to feel the need to have a child, society can make people feel like you should hit all the milestones but its your life.

The early years can be physically and emotionally draining. I was very surprised how much I loved my kids from the start however, we hear so often how they will ruin your life etc.

As older parents you would be more settled and stable. Children grow and the mothers in the trenches with babies and toddlers will soon be out the other side. I had 3 in my 30s and time has flown by.

Only you can make this decision with your DH.

Just be aware if you say no to kids you will also be saying no to grandchildren, so as you get older no direct descendants will be coming up behind. So noone younger in your 50s, 60s, 70s etc. That something we may not be aware of in our 30s

I have a baby so haven’t seen the growing up part but this is very hard and definitely miss my old lovely life. If I’d have know. How hard it would be and how consuming and how different things would be, I wouldn’t have done it. Saying that all babies are different and all adults are different - people might have an ‘easy’ ride with a chilled baby or people might have a more resilient attitude than me.

It wasn't really a choice so much as a need. And my husband pretty much knew that too, biology was so so strong.

I think that you should only have a child if you really want one. Don't listen to people saying you love a baby when it arrives. If you have a friend with a baby or a toddler see if you can mind their kid for a few hours. When the child gets use to you see if you can mind them for longer or even overnight. I know it's not the same as your own child but it will give you a more realistic idea of what life would be like with a child.
I would also look into the cost of childcare, nappies, baby milk, prams ect and be aware as you child gets older the expenses will get higher.

I know a man who had a child at 44/45. He wanted a baby for a few years. I think he liked the idea of a baby but was not overy aware of reality of a baby. He was not in a long relationship before his partner got pregnant. He was delighted with the news.
When the baby arrived he was happy but the baby was a crier and a poor sleeper.
It was hard going for him and his partner. Their child is now in primary school and has been diagnosed as having autism but it appears that they are high functioning.
Meanwhile as a couple they had have a few other things to deal with over the past few years. I think that life would be easier for him now if stayed with his partner but if they did not have a child.

I think that unless you and your partner really want children I would not have one.
If your happy with your partner, your current lifestyle, you job and your friends I would think long and hard before getting pregnant. I know several childfree couples and they have a life style similar to your. They are not trying have a child because,

If you are even one ounce unsure, I’d say don’t do it. I had a life similar to yours before kids but I felt like a piece was missing. Every weekend was the same and I did not feel fulfilled. I therefore spent too much time working on weekends (teacher) or just milling around shopping, going for coffee etc. Whilst there are some elements of my old life that I miss, I was bored and needed more from life. If you don’t feel that way, don’t do it.

I disagree with 'if you are unsure don't do it'. I was adamant I didn't want children for most my life and then in my 30s was suddenly unsure. I didn't have any interest in other people's children (beyond my friends' kids purely because they were my friends' kids). I had a good life I was happy with, nothing missing. I thought about it for about 6 months (including unpicking a lot of the socially pervasive negative messaging around motherhood I'd subconsciously absorbed) and went for it and it was the right decision. Doesn't mean it will be everyone.

For me a bigger consideration would be your circumstances. I have a very hands-on partner and both my family and my in-laws are close and heavily involved, so it means a lot of help and I get lie-ins, days off to do what I want, evenings out with friends every week etc. It's still hard work and life changing, but so are many things worth doing. I feel for you making this decision, OP. I think in many ways it's a real dice roll. You won't know until you've done it and by then it's too late.

It’s very much a personal decision.

Before I had children, my life was very similar - good career where I was progressing, good joint income, freedom to go and do whatever I wanted, several long haul and short haul holidays a year, lie ins, drinking, and so on.

Since DC, I still have my career, but it is stressful at times balancing the two, and we are still fortunate to have a good joint income, but don’t really holiday anywhere because with small children, I find it too stressful!

I went through a period of mourning my old life when I had my first, and I still get FOMO when I can’t go out with friends or stay out that late, and I really miss the holidays DH and I used to have. But life has changed in a good way. I have two small people who are my world, and we have changed from a young(ish…) couple, to a family. Yes there are still times where I struggle, but this is the new norm for us now.

But that being said, that’s my experience. It is a big change, but both DH and I always wanted children.

If you were told you can’t have any, how would you feel?

If in doubt with no real desire to have chn then don’t.
I have two , now 23 and 20. I really wanted chn , felt a very strong desire and I absolutely loved the baby to 14 stage even when the sleep deprivation was desperate, the love was everything. I found the teens quite hard as my parenting had to be more hands off which I found difficult and I have not enjoyed parenting two wonderful young women in the social media age with all the body image pressure. Parenting doesn’t stop at 18 either. Both of mine are pretty convinced they won’t have chn and they have my full support.

DH and I chose to give up a very lovely life at 37 and have a baby. And then a second baby. I have never regretted it. But I think I have the right temperament to be a parent. Reasonably relaxed, bit of an introvert and don’t resent putting others’ needs before my own on a fairly regular basis.

Only you know if you want to do it or not and if you’re willing to make the sacrifices. Don’t kid yourself, if you do it properly your life will change quite a lot. Having teenagers now I see a lot of kids suffering because their parents are bored with parenting and leave them to their own devices so they can have fun again.

Why are you asking?

Why do you want babies?

It's your question/answer, not mine.

Really, this is not my question.

It's yours lady.

Why do you want babies?

You don't have to have babies if you don't want.

It's ok to do what you feel.

Have a fertility check and freeze eggs and embryos and it'll buy you a few years. You might be clearer after that. I know too many women 40+ who are having to go through so many egg retrievals and the main thing they all say is that they wish they'd done this when they were younger.

Don’t do it. I felt the way you do now when I was in my mid thirties.

I didn’t have children and I’m grateful every day that I listened to myself. It’s only now I realise just how much of a bullet I dodged.

❤️

If you are unsure, then don’t do it.

this is the biggest responsibility you’ll ever have. Simply cannot “resign” (unless you’d consider adoption).

I invite you to head to the teenagers board of mumsnet and have a browse

a child is not just for Christmas! They are for life. You may be lucky and have an easy going child with no issues at the other side of the scale you may have a child with severe special neeeds. There are no guarantees. Are you prepared for that?

We changed our minds 15 years into our relationship. DH suggested it and something just clicked for me. I’m glad we stuck with 1. Even then I’ve had a peri-menopausal surge of “another one would be nice”. Hormones are a bugger.

You sound like you have a very nice life. Don’t change that unless you’re damn sure.

I wasn't sure, and now have two. What helped me was picturing my life aged 50, 60, 70 etc and I realised that in that picture were children.....all grown up and then potentially grandchildren too. All being well you have your children around as adults for far longer than babies, toddlers, teenagers etc.

They are the best thing I did, I love DDs more than anything in the word but it is hard and life has changed immeasurably. The years do fly by though. I totally relate to the fact that it seems a blink of an eye since I was a teenager and now I'm late 30s. And that time only seems to have sped up since I had DDs as I'm far busier.

There are no right or wrongs and you definitely shouldn't have them if you're unsure but I'd give yourself a deadline to try and make a decision. What has helped me the most is that DH is fully hands on and has always done an equal share, so you need to be sure your partner will pull his weight.

I don't know, I have one child, and feel that I would have missed out on a core human experience without it. I feel like I understand the nature of life more, plus I have loved being a parent. But I know that for some it is just a long grind and slog. And it is not risk free. Your child may need more care than the average child, have challenges that are extreme. No-one can tell you what to do, you are on your own with the decision I am afraid.