School run mums avoid me

[Mayxo]

Hello there x

I just wanted to come on here and talk to some parents for advice.

I moved to Buckinghamshire 5 years ago and I have struggled to fit in or make any mummy friends.

I have a 11 year old son in year 6 and a daughter in year 2.
I have always found the school run difficult and to be honest lonely.
I don't know if I have one of those faces that people don't like but it feels like everyone avoids me.

I am 29 soon to be 30, I always do myself up nice I try anyway. I am a bit overweight not sure that would be a problem though.. I do wear a lot of makeup.
I smile and be friendly with everyone but no one wants to know.
I had a couple of mums talk to me once then never spoke to me again which is upsetting. They just avoid me now.
Now I just stand in the back get the kids and go while everyone is in groups or paired up.
I'm the only one who doesn't talk to anyone. Don't get me wrong I do try but I get ignored honestly but if my husband goes into the school everyone talks to him but when we are together they say nothing.

There was this one mum I will call her Carrie, her daughter is in my daughters class.
She use to smile say hello but she's that type that smiles but edges away to avoid ending up talking to you but talks to everyone around you.
After assembly on a Thursday morning a few months ago she was standing by my car, we was smiling at one another then I got closer cause she is right by my car door, she then swooshes her arms to the left motioning keep moving keep moving? so I don't end up talking to her I just giggled but that upset me so much it was incredibly rude.
Now she doesn't smile or anything but yesterday I was in the car with my husband she waved and smiled I put my hand up but she was doing it to my husband then when she noticed me smiling and wave her face dropped along with her head looking at the floor.

My daughter keeps asking for a birthday party which is in September but I don't know how I can when the mums don't seem to like me. what do I do?

I honestly cant stand it.

Does anyone else go through this or is it just me?

xx

That sounds really hard for you. Remember, school run is just a few minutes out of your day. Can you try to build up and do more of things you love during the day and evening? Then the relative importance of the school run would decrease. I sympathise, it's awful when you feel like you don't fit in. There are other things outside of school run where you could find a feeling of fitting in.

This will sound terrible and I’d love to be wrong as I don’t think this is right. Do you have a strong non-Bucks accent? I’m wondering if maybe you are hard to understand at best or at worst, looked down on for having a ‘less posh’ accent. Maybe DH has the local accent so they like him. People are so weird about accents I find! I’m just wracking my brains as to why you would be experiencing this.

That sounds really hard. Honestly, I think some CBT would help. Not that I think you are totally imagining it, but that you are very sensitive and vulnerable right now, and CBT can ease that feeling (it did for me.) I used to feel awful when school mums ignored me but chatted to others. After CBT I started thinking, 'They have stuff on their mind, they are busy and don't want to chat, they have social anxiety and only chat to people they know; they are barely coping and the thought of one more friend is too much so they avoid people who look like they need a friend.' Etc. It just takes the sting off you a bit because you are not at fault.

Try to make friends elsewhere and don't worry if it takes a year or two. Join some exercise classes and something a bit creative as craft sessions, art classes, creative writing etc are the kind of classes where people chat and open up a bit. Don't try too hard or people please, as neediness really does put people off. Unfair but true. Just turn up, enjoy doing what you're doing, make small talk. Friendship grows from that.

May sound weird but maybe wear a bit less make up. I love make up too but i think it makes some mums feel like you won't be their 'type' if they are quite down to earth. They are wrong, but going for a more natural look might make you look more approachable. I can't count the times I've been told: I never thought you'd be...(whatever it is they liked about me in the end.)

You will make friends. But let it take time. And they don't have to be mum friends. Most of my friends in the village I met through other things. I barely have any close school gate mates and the ones I have, I met elsewhere, not at the school gate. They just happened to be mums at school with DC in different years from my DC.

Your daughter's friendships don't need to have anything to do with yours. Invite some of them over for playdates after school occasionally. Don't keep score over whether the dates are returned. Just do it for her. Have a drop off party for her if you can manage a handful of kids alone, so you don't have the added pressure of wondering if any grown ups will stay (believe me, they'll bring their DC to the party if they can run off and get some time off!) Or you could do something like a soft play and say for safety reason an adult needs to accompany the child but there will be adult snacks and coffees provided. Might give you a chance to get chatting.

I reckon they find your husband attractive.

I know a lot of mums feel the same way both on here and at our school and I remember a few mums commenting on how hard it is to make friends/get in. I was torn as tbh there are some (a lot) of people who know each other from school/ work already and other than that there’s those of us who have a job and or multiple kids and are barely paying attention and either talk to whose next to us or stand staring into space trying to just get through the day! I wouldn’t assume everyone is ignoring you, they honestly possibly just have their own crap going on. (Or you could just be in an unfriendly place and sorry if you are)

It won’t be personal. The people I chat to on the school run are mostly not friends, just familiar faces that I know enough to make a bit of small talk. Sometimes they are friends if my kids have spent enough time with theirs out of school that the adults have built up a bit of friendship too. But we don’t tend to socialise outside of school events.

i would honestly not worry at all. Have a party for your daughter so she can have her friends together and you might find you get to know the parents a little better. And if you want “real” friends in your new home join a club, do some volunteering, take up a new hobby etc

I know exactly what you mean. I'm not from this area and have a different accent. People don't really speak to me on the school run. I used to get quite upset about it.
Are you working or do you have other friends in the area? I didn't and I think that made the rejection magnified.
. Maybe you are putting to much emphasis on it? If you haven't caused any upset it's their problem.
I now just smile, say hello and leave it at that. Some smile back, some don't. My husband also had no problems but he wasn't bothered either way. Try and chill out about it and it might become insignificant

It's a sad revelation that being in the playground as a parent is just as torturous at times as being in it as a child!
Unfortunately some people are very flaky and immature.

I've been in a similar position so can certainly empathise....i was actually ghosted by a mum i was previously close friends with, once our children started school, and another mum she was close to then followed suit.To this day i have no idea why, but it was very upsetting and made me feel very rejected too.

I do have a couple of mums that i'm actual friends with, but the others it's just polite intermittend small talk, which mostly has to to be initiated by me, so don't usually bother so much now, just say the odd hello.

I'm lucky that I only pick up 3x a week now, so don't have to contend with it every day...I usually try to be 'just in time' as my daughter is coming out, to avoid standing there for ages like a lemon!

Oh OP, been there done it. Grit your teeth, be pleasant, make it quick as you can. The mumsnet phrase that helped me was "school is for kids". Don't base your worth on school gate experiences. Build up interests and identity elsewhere and this shit won't matter. Some people are rude. Some won't mean to be. Others might mean to be. Your job is to be so ok with yourself that you can tolerate it, for the 10minutes a day you have to tolerate it.

As for the birthday party, it's a long way away. No point predicting disaster.

Theres no reason not to organise a birthday party. Just give your daughter the invites to hand out in class.

Lots of people don't have 'mummy' friends. It's not something I ever bothered either I have my own friends.

Lots of working parents won't be hanging around the playground either.

It has no impact on the kids or birthday parties.

I'm seen as the weird mum with the weird kid. There has been so much nastiness thrown at us from other school mums. I've stopped giving a shit about them. They are vile judgemental people.

I drove to pick the kids up yesterday and realised I was 20 mins early. I sat in the car until I had a couple of minutes left until they left their classroom as I'd rather sit in the car than stand around making small talk 😬 I feel exactly the same as you but I've started to care less!

Find out who your DC likes and march up to the kids mum with a big ole smile and say my DC would love to ask your DC for a playdate. When is your DC free?
They will fucking have to say yes. Rinse and repeat with many kids, it will pay off in time - they will have to be nice to you when they pick their DC up. I did this - cunty mums did not like me because I was older with the wrong accent and my DC had been to a different nursery so a lot of them knew each other already. I won them over. I am very shy but it was two minutes out of my day and it really benefitted my DC.

Get some hobbies and find friends that way.

Was exactly the same for me op....they seemed to avoid me...I'm also overweight and wore make up..😂

School breaks are good small talk starters. How was your Christmas? How was your easter? Did you go away? Etc. A lot of people like other people taking an interest.

School run is weird. It's something about being in a playground and being a high proportion of females, and maybe a few other things. You could be so confident in your job, outside friendships etc but something about that school run can cause worry and loneliness in so many women.
I have some friends on mine but don't see them all the time, I just make sure I come at the last minute so I'm in and out

Women can be right bitches on the school run. When your kids are tiny it seems so important to bond with these people so your kids have friends. But trust me, when they leave primary school and go to secondary you will barely ever see these people again. And your child will make completely different friends and make social arrangements with no involvement from you. I couldn't identify my DD's friends' parents if I tripped over them in the street!
And yet, I'd spent years trying to cultivate amicable relationships throughout primary. Honestly, it isn't you - sometimes the herd just takes against someone for no good reason or you just don't gel and there's no logical explanation for it!
My advice is to try your best to care less. Get to school at the last minute and just get your kids. Stop trying so hard to make horrible people like you.

Oh god, I remember those playground days well - work was a blessed relief so I didn’t have to deal with these idiot adults (usually women) who played the same ridiculous power games they no doubt played in their own playgrounds.

What I learned was that there are playground friendships you’ll never break into - they might be related, or live in the same street, or have been friends from school, or their DH/Ps work together or play football together or whatever. They form these little cliques and no-one else gets in unless you also live in their street or your DH works with theirs etc etc. Unfortunately you’ve met the Carrie mum - there’s usually one or two in every class - and a couple of others who just aren’t v sociable and so you’re basing your impression of all of the parents on a handful. You won’t see the ones like me who work and have no interest in the playground games these women play, or the ones like a pp who wait in their care because they can’t face the nonsense, or the ones who also stand quietly to one side of the playground and leave asap.

Making friends as an adult can take a long time and the playground isn’t the place to do it - it just isn’t. As others have said, try and cultivate your own interests and networks away from school, and that in turn with help you see the playground as nothing more than a place you stand and wait for your kids, rather than a place where you go to make friends.

I remember feeling this but it's nothing meaningful because it's a stressful few minutes for some who have to get back to work etc. if you're new to the area they probably haven't had much of a chance to get to know you. I think throwing the party will change everything.

It's torturous for lots of people. Fear not, you are not alone.

I hate the school run mums. I am fortunate I don't do it daily.
I would focus on trying to make friends with the yr2 mums who are going to be in your life for longer. Maybe choose someone who doesn't look like a total bitch and stand next to her every day. Or the mum of your DCs nicest friend?

I find you get out what you put in.

Get talking to them. No one will be so rude as to blank you in person.

Get there early and make the effort to talk to them.

May sound weird but maybe wear a bit less make up. I love make up too but i think it makes some mums feel like you won't be their 'type' if they are quite down to earth. They are wrong, but going for a more natural look might make you look more approachable. I can't count the times I've been told: I never thought you'd be...(whatever it is they liked about me in the end.)

I wondered about this too?

Get talking to them. No one will be so rude as to blank you in person.

Well, that's not true.