School run mums avoid me

[Mayxo]

Hello there x

I just wanted to come on here and talk to some parents for advice.

I moved to Buckinghamshire 5 years ago and I have struggled to fit in or make any mummy friends.

I have a 11 year old son in year 6 and a daughter in year 2.
I have always found the school run difficult and to be honest lonely.
I don't know if I have one of those faces that people don't like but it feels like everyone avoids me.

I am 29 soon to be 30, I always do myself up nice I try anyway. I am a bit overweight not sure that would be a problem though.. I do wear a lot of makeup.
I smile and be friendly with everyone but no one wants to know.
I had a couple of mums talk to me once then never spoke to me again which is upsetting. They just avoid me now.
Now I just stand in the back get the kids and go while everyone is in groups or paired up.
I'm the only one who doesn't talk to anyone. Don't get me wrong I do try but I get ignored honestly but if my husband goes into the school everyone talks to him but when we are together they say nothing.

There was this one mum I will call her Carrie, her daughter is in my daughters class.
She use to smile say hello but she's that type that smiles but edges away to avoid ending up talking to you but talks to everyone around you.
After assembly on a Thursday morning a few months ago she was standing by my car, we was smiling at one another then I got closer cause she is right by my car door, she then swooshes her arms to the left motioning keep moving keep moving? so I don't end up talking to her I just giggled but that upset me so much it was incredibly rude.
Now she doesn't smile or anything but yesterday I was in the car with my husband she waved and smiled I put my hand up but she was doing it to my husband then when she noticed me smiling and wave her face dropped along with her head looking at the floor.

My daughter keeps asking for a birthday party which is in September but I don't know how I can when the mums don't seem to like me. what do I do?

I honestly cant stand it.

Does anyone else go through this or is it just me?

xx

I have 3 children now past primary thankfully, I never gelled well with other mums, partly because it was too much effort for me twice a day every day and other mums seemed stand offish towards me, I was younger than the average mum, dare I say attractive and not particularly loud, so prehaps they felt they didn't have much in common.
Inviting for parties and play dates no problem but didn't get many invites back sadly.
I do think you should continue waving to that mum, especially when your husbands around lol.

It's an English thing. Its the same with the English in france!

I've relocated a few times in my life and I think people can often tell if you are desperate to make friends. People have busy lives these days and often feel like they have enough friends and can be easily put off if you come off too strong. The only school mum friends I have made have been mums whose DC do out of school activities with mine. Do your DCs do any clubs?

If you want friends, you will find better quality friendships through hobbies or volunteering. Often the only thing you have in common with school mums is that you happened to procreate at the same time.

No one at my kids primary school would blank someone. No one.

Okay? This doesn't mean it never happens.

You're either attractive and they're intimidated, or you have the wrong accent

I can assure you it’s not just an English thing.

They might not blank but it doesn't mean they're going to burst into friendly chat.

Op goes over
Hello, smiles
Parent looks at her, Hi. Looks at feet.
Lovely weather today isn't it?
Uh huh. Walks away.

Oh the school run can be a nightmare!

If you really want to get in with some mums, join the PTA. Turn up to help out. The other ones who also do this will appreciate you, and you’ll have your own little circle. The others probably won’t recognise the effort you put in but ignore them.

Don’t let it worry you about birthday party invites. Make sure the invites are clear, have your child hand them out at school, the kids will want to attend and will bug their parents about it.

Op you can't ban her from having a party because you don't have friends.

Let her have the party, leave Dad to do greetings, you concentrate on the kids.

Sounds like they have decided you're a certain 'type'. Wrong accent, too much make up, whatever. I once gave out invites to every child in the class for a birthday party, only one or two even bothered to reply. So incredibly rude. I agree with others, find friends elsewhere. One of the good things about children moving to Secondary is not having to endure this torture any longer.

Some mums won't let kids go to the party though if they decide you are the wrong sort.

Did you find it any different when your son was younger and you lived in your previous area?

And have you confided in your husband about this at all? Given that he has met the people, does he have any perspective?

God I drop my son off and walk fast home as I have work 10 mins later. Keep my head down and get out of there! I do speak to them so say hello, and 2 mothers I speak to as our sons are close but it’s all very basic stuff “lovely weather” “ have a nice weekend”. Not friends with any of them, and happy that way.
I see some that know everyone and look super popular but meh, I’ve got my own friends and as long as my son has a few pals that’s all I care about x

So before I moved to Buckingham I lived in Spain, language barrier there of course bit tricky, I did in the end homeschool my son as he found it hard not understanding, before spain I lived in Bloxham in Oxfordshire before not much of a accent difference I don't think 🤔 but sadly no parents spoke to me there but I was a teenage mum so I did keep myself to myself but I did talk to one mum, walked with her to school and back so I guess abit better

I can imagine this would happen to me, it sounds horrible!!!

Sod 'em all op
Drop and run and find your own friends elsewhere.
Honestly not worth the head space

The mums who say they struggle with playground pick ups also often say it's similar to being back at school . This is probably because these people will always find this type of situation difficult.
"School" and making friends/ socialising etc isn't easy for some people, but once they do their friendships are in no way inferior to those of socially confident people.

What's important to remember is this. Unless you do something particularly noteworthy that makes you stand out you are a neutral person by the school gates. Others mums aren't deliberately not being kind to you they are treating you simply as another mum picking up her children. They aren't blanking you purposefully because they have no reason to.
When you aren't socially confident there may be a tendency to view social interaction with a negative slant and this can lead to distorting reality.

I was one of those mums with lots of mum friends at the gate. I'd made those friends because I find social interaction easy and relaxing, and so did the parents who I chatted to at the gate.
Over time ( parties/ class events etc) I got to know quite a few of the other mums too and would happily say hello and chat, but it's normal that similar types of personality attract initially.

What I wouldn't have done was to actually say " come and chat with us" or beckon anyone over to where we were talking.
Why would I presume another parent wanted help in this rather than prefer to wait by themselves. I wouldn't have known and could have possibly become an irritation to someone who preferred their own company.
My advice is to continue to be open and yourself but don't think badly of the other mums because chances are they just haven't had the right opportunity to get to know you yet.

I think you're probably just much younger than most of the other parents.

Get involved with the PTA, that will help, if you can't look for someone who isn't talking to anyone else.

Could it just be your age? Most mothers of 11 year-olds are in their 40s or 50s.

For people to be actively rude to you either:
-you're reading into things

• you've done/ do something rude or wrong
• they think you do/have done something weird or wrong.

You need to figure out which. Maybe your husband could find out?

I don't know how to tag people and write back on this 🤔but thank you for the responses your all so lovely, to answer a few questions I wouldn't say I try that hard to be totally honest I just stand at the back and wait but I do go in dead on 3.15 when they come out 😬 probably doesn't do me any favours.
My fear with my daughters birthday is that no one turns up because carrie and her group they are all in my daughters class they avoid me like the plague so I don't know if they will let there kids come that's my worry I know, sounds silly.
About the accent I wouldn't say my accent any different 🤔 there's an Irish couple they talk to everyone so I doubt accents is problem but maybe dipping my face in paint daily maybe an issue I don't know.
I haven't spoken to anyone nor does anyone know me around here for them to have an issue with me 🤔 I just don't know really, it is sad and lonely and to be completely honest I don't really have any friends, a have a couple friends in Spain and the rest in Devon so I don't see anyone. I will definitely look into joining classes, but then my fear is it will happen there aswell 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

Hi OP I've been there and I know how hard it is. I think we move somewhere new with our kids and expect to fit in at school with our kids and get upset when that doesn't happen. The trick I think is to have no expectations and to become your own best friend. I would give up making friends as such but just be friendly and happy in your own bubble with your kids. That's the most important thing anyway imho.

@Crushed23
A couple of mums are actually lovely in my sons class but you don't see them they work till 4 or 5 shame really, they are older but I find some of the ladies in there 40s to be the kindest at this school.
A few of the mums in my daughters class, I'd say, around my age group, not the friendliest at all apart from carrie she's in her 40s, not friendly at all.
I've noticed they all talk to one another no matter the age. They just don't like talking to me.

I feel your pain. Possibly a combination of you being younger than average and somehow not ‘like them’ (whatever that is). I don’t know what it is in your case but I know what it was in mine (I have a very working class regional accent from a totally different area and there’s a lot of negative stereotyping about people from my neck of the woods). What I would say is, and it’s a small consolation now - in another few years you won’t give a fuck. There’s no shortage of weirdos in the world and plenty of ill manners, so don’t turn it all on yourself. The one who waved you on past your own car sounds totally full of herself, like you were desperate to talk to her, she should get a body guard 🙄

lots of good advice here about filling up your life to keep things in perspective, can be hard not to let that sort of thing bother you, but honestly, it’s not worth your brain space and before long you’ll realise you shouldn’t have given it a second thought. Definitely have the party, I 100% empathise with the ‘nobody likes me’ feeling but don’t let insecurity about how people respond to you become a self-fulfilling prophecy for DD.

more power to you 👊