School run mums avoid me

[Mayxo]

Hello there x

I just wanted to come on here and talk to some parents for advice.

I moved to Buckinghamshire 5 years ago and I have struggled to fit in or make any mummy friends.

I have a 11 year old son in year 6 and a daughter in year 2.
I have always found the school run difficult and to be honest lonely.
I don't know if I have one of those faces that people don't like but it feels like everyone avoids me.

I am 29 soon to be 30, I always do myself up nice I try anyway. I am a bit overweight not sure that would be a problem though.. I do wear a lot of makeup.
I smile and be friendly with everyone but no one wants to know.
I had a couple of mums talk to me once then never spoke to me again which is upsetting. They just avoid me now.
Now I just stand in the back get the kids and go while everyone is in groups or paired up.
I'm the only one who doesn't talk to anyone. Don't get me wrong I do try but I get ignored honestly but if my husband goes into the school everyone talks to him but when we are together they say nothing.

There was this one mum I will call her Carrie, her daughter is in my daughters class.
She use to smile say hello but she's that type that smiles but edges away to avoid ending up talking to you but talks to everyone around you.
After assembly on a Thursday morning a few months ago she was standing by my car, we was smiling at one another then I got closer cause she is right by my car door, she then swooshes her arms to the left motioning keep moving keep moving? so I don't end up talking to her I just giggled but that upset me so much it was incredibly rude.
Now she doesn't smile or anything but yesterday I was in the car with my husband she waved and smiled I put my hand up but she was doing it to my husband then when she noticed me smiling and wave her face dropped along with her head looking at the floor.

My daughter keeps asking for a birthday party which is in September but I don't know how I can when the mums don't seem to like me. what do I do?

I honestly cant stand it.

Does anyone else go through this or is it just me?

xx

About the makeup I actually wore little to no makeup for two months, it made no difference sadly so don't know if its that either

Out of interest, when she tried to wave you on past your own car, presumably you had to stare her down and say “excuse me please” to get into your car? I hope she was suitably embarrassed.

Wear the make up and be yourself op. Who gives a f what they think. You know you would make a good friend now its up to you to see who will do the same for you in return. It will happen naturally when it is supposed to! Join a club and focus on the activity more than the people and the chats will happen naturally.

@Heather37231
I saw her she saw me we was both smiling I turned looked up the hill then looked back she's still looking at me so we are still smiling 🫠 I'm practically infront of her she then says keep moving keep moving her arms swinging to the left but I had to go to her right next to her, I don't think she realised it was my car 😂 I just opened my door and got in she started walking abit more up the hill, so rude honestly

@Yearofchanges
Thank you 😊 I will definitely look into joining some clubs!xx

I've started doing a few evening classes. People are way more friendlier than the school run crowd. Pick something you're interested in, I haven't made any great friends but I enjoy the evenings I'm there and made me realise that it doesn't matter about the school mums.

I reckon they find your husband attractive.

^^ this

But it's actually really hard for anyone to say what's causing the disconnect. It does sound like you've never had nice playground experiences (not saying that's your fault). That might show in how you act, move, express yourself. Do you feel confident in social situations? Have you moved somewhere where parental friendships are established from their childhood? That can be tricky to break into.

OP do bear in mind that some mothers just can’t be bothered with new friends if they haven’t all been together since reception. They’ll all have been standing about chatting at the same dull kiddies parties. I think there is zero chance you’ll make friends with year 6 parents. I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m saying it’s not necessarily personal

Same here. I used to pick up my son straight from the office so I was smartly dressed and made up. The other mums were generally in very casual clothes (scruffy). I was ignored by them. Did I give a shit. Nope.

Are your clothes or shoes very different?

I know a couple of mums at my DC primary school were avoided one for wearing bizarre outfits and strange colourful make up the other was new and wore ridiculous high heels and sort of tighter evening wear.

I spoke to them both because that's who I am but they were noticeably avoided and didn't really sort of talk about the things others talked about.

You need to really tune in to what people are talking about and just listen and observe before crashing in on a conversation.

Also where you live makes a difference to some people sadly.

Fuck them, keep being you. It will get better when your DCs get older.

As for your DD, have a party but if you can make sure you have enough non school friends attending, cousins, if your older son has friends with younger siblings and you get on with the mums, invite them. Try doing a village hall like venue with no per person charge so if people don’t show it won’t 1) be so noticeable and 2) cost you.

Id also utilise your DH, get him to chat at the school gate and get confirmation of attendance. If some let your dd down get your DH to put them on the spot.

There were a bunch of cliquey mums in my oldest DDs year, very bitchy always giving dirty looks, thinking they were better than everyone, but they never stopped their DCs going to parties. Hopefully these mums are like that.

I wear what's comfortable, like black leggings or black jeans, long jumpers, mid length leather boots I think couple mums got the same boots as me, always black, white or brown long jumper in the winter with a black long puffer coat, ripped pocket mind.
I dress very casual rather then flashy, my makeup I have brown eyes so my eye shadow is brown and abit gold with winged eyeliner but I wear glasses don't think you see much but I do wear lipstick either a pink or light brown colour. Maybe abit much but I have small lips so I like to wear it for confidence.
About the living situation maybe? My kids go to a school in a village I live 10 minutes down the road in another village, I know alot of the mums have brought houses in that village where the school is, it is quite posh, we private rent in a terraced house.
A couple of mums and dads have seen where we live driving back the same way as me. I don't know about it though there's a mum who talks to everyone she lives in a council house, but I'm not sure really.
I drive a Nissan juke maybe its that 😬

@ScribeSev
Sorry I forgot to tag you to my response x

Honestly, these people are not worth your time. Village people are often like this, anyway - narrow minded and suspicious. You do not need to apologise to them, to us or to anyone else about your clothes, car, house, make up etc. and I'm saddened that you feel you need to explain all this

Be unashamedly you and fuck them.

I must say that the first thing that came into my mind when reading your OP is that maybe they fancy your husband.

@AliceMcK
Sadly my brother and sisters with there kids live in Spain. My friends live in Spain or Devon with there little family's. I don't really have anyone apart from my parents x

@MyopicBunny
Thank you 😊 It's kinda hard not to care though especially when your always on your own. And maybe they fancy him, but we are over weight at the moment so I'm not sure, ate too many mince pies at Christmas 😂

I understand, bless you - it must be horrible. Carrie sounds vile though - tbh just think what would happen if you became friends with these people - they would probably be the most awful 'friends'

I'm so sorry this is happening to you , I am the same age and felt the same when my daughter started school, please forgive me if they are but are the mums of similar age? I find the mums in the school my daughter attends are older so they think they haven't got much in common with me. I was added to a WhatsApp group where we formed connections and that's to be honest the only way i started getting to know other parents . I highly doubt its anything to do with appearance so don't be hard on yourself. Also being in a certain area some people just stick to what they know. Tbh I dread the school run for the actual fact of having to socialise lol i am the opposite! Not because I don't want to but I have terrible social anxiety and can come across rude. I think If you are feeling this type of way anytime they have any volunteering trips or something for parents to go along make the efforts to go and have them get to know you, its hard to get to know someone in 5 mins after all xx

Is there a reason your dc go to a different school to your local one? Maybe the other Mums all live locally to the school so are involved in village life and do lots of things together outside of school? Not that that would make it OK for them to behave like cows.

My dc went to a village school, all the parents knew each other and socialised outside of school. It probably seemed a bit cliquey to an outsider. However we always included everyone in the school gate chat.

@NAY0110
I am on the WhatsApp group with my daughters class mums but they all ignore when I use to write in it so I don't write in it anymore and as for ages I would say alot of them are in there late 30s to 40s carrie definitely in her 40s, there is two mums who I'd say is around my age but one of them spoke to me id say early last year ask where my son is going to big school had a long chat about the kids then never spoke to me again she actually avoids eye contact with me now sad really xx

@EmmaGrundyForPM
We lived in winslow at the time but there was no spaces in winslow school for my son so we looked around, this village was the closest and one of the smallest school which is kinda perfect not to daunting, then we moved to a closer village to that school so we stuck with it. I was going to put him somewhere else but he made friends and loves that school so we left him in x

I was lucky enough for our daughter to go to a school where the majority of mums were really friendly, in fact one of the "Queen bees" was someone that was genuinely insistent that no child was to be left behind and so for that reason all new kids were offered play dates and she was welcoming of ANY Mum. If the kid was a little shit she'd stop trying but she didn't care if the parents were rich, poor, wore no makeup, too much..
I've been thinking about the very few but actual examples over the 7 years of primary school why parents were shunned, and this was rare, but they were these:

1. the child was mean
2. the child was smelly
3. inappropriate gifts consistently bought for classmates' birthdays
4. play dates offered but not reciprocated
5. mums being takers and not givers over a long period of time (always asking for help for pickups, never offering)
6. one Mum who used to turn up to pick up her 8 year old with over-sexualised drag queens in tow

These are the only examples I know of where Mums were ostracised.

I think @Mayxo , throw yourself in to the PTA. They will probably right now be thinking about organising a summer fundraising fete. Offer to help out in the kitchen cooking the burgers and sausages, that's a non-glamorous job but whilst you won't make immediate friends at the school you will by the effort you've put in be a part of the school community.
(But don't just do this once, make it a commitment).

It's tough, isn't it? When my oldest was little I had this - there was only one other mum who spoke to me and she was the only other one who worked. The rest just ignored me. Fortunately I've always been in touch with my inner bitch and been able to shrug it off, and my DC never had any trouble getting their friends to come to their birthday parties.

Later on work changed and I used a breakfast club who did the drop offs/pick ups for me. Much better.

@MiffyTyfied
My children is one of the sweetest and known as the kindest, I have always had people say how well mannered my children are, if anyone's hurt my daughter is there to help ❤️ My sons all about football typical lad but always polite.
Never smelly always dressed smart, hair always done nice.
Always appropriate gifts, I've never been offered play dates to be honest. The giver or take no ones gave unless pta mums done ice cream for the kids I thought that's good giving money to the school though, kinda taking then giving 😆 I really doubt its to do with my children honestly x