School run mums avoid me

[Mayxo]

Hello there x

I just wanted to come on here and talk to some parents for advice.

I moved to Buckinghamshire 5 years ago and I have struggled to fit in or make any mummy friends.

I have a 11 year old son in year 6 and a daughter in year 2.
I have always found the school run difficult and to be honest lonely.
I don't know if I have one of those faces that people don't like but it feels like everyone avoids me.

I am 29 soon to be 30, I always do myself up nice I try anyway. I am a bit overweight not sure that would be a problem though.. I do wear a lot of makeup.
I smile and be friendly with everyone but no one wants to know.
I had a couple of mums talk to me once then never spoke to me again which is upsetting. They just avoid me now.
Now I just stand in the back get the kids and go while everyone is in groups or paired up.
I'm the only one who doesn't talk to anyone. Don't get me wrong I do try but I get ignored honestly but if my husband goes into the school everyone talks to him but when we are together they say nothing.

There was this one mum I will call her Carrie, her daughter is in my daughters class.
She use to smile say hello but she's that type that smiles but edges away to avoid ending up talking to you but talks to everyone around you.
After assembly on a Thursday morning a few months ago she was standing by my car, we was smiling at one another then I got closer cause she is right by my car door, she then swooshes her arms to the left motioning keep moving keep moving? so I don't end up talking to her I just giggled but that upset me so much it was incredibly rude.
Now she doesn't smile or anything but yesterday I was in the car with my husband she waved and smiled I put my hand up but she was doing it to my husband then when she noticed me smiling and wave her face dropped along with her head looking at the floor.

My daughter keeps asking for a birthday party which is in September but I don't know how I can when the mums don't seem to like me. what do I do?

I honestly cant stand it.

Does anyone else go through this or is it just me?

xx

@Mayxo
Don't overthink everything about yourself, there's no need. You haven't done anything wrong, you and your family are fine as you are but it sounds like your lack of friendship support system is making you doubt yourself and question things that there's no need to.
To make friends in the local area try joining groups or volunteer for the local community/ PTA. You will have a regular opportunity to get to know others and them you, without having to justify anything. It takes time to make friends and often it can help to have structure to start the friendship off.

Most importantly the group of mums chatting at the school gates are just mums who for a range of circumstances and personalities get to know each other over the years. There is no particular reason for them to be unkind or actively take a disliking to you personally. As with any set of random people someone could be a nasty person, but there's no correlation between chatty mums and unkind people. Most probably some of them are coming toward the end of primary school with this set of parents, and so have passed the "purposefully getting to know other parents" stage. This doesn't mean that you are necessarily unwelcome just that in general the dynamic in their group will most likely change once the kids hit secondary and they are used to who they already know.

I'm practically infront of her she then says keep moving keep moving her arms swinging to the left but I had to go to her right next to her, I don't think she realised it was my car

At that point I would definitely have stopped smiling and said “Do you mind? I need to get in my car, and wouldn’t want to accidentally catch you with the door..” What a bitch.

@Mayxo I honestly wasn't having a go at you or insinuating that any of these things apply to you.
I was just listing out the reasons I had from my own experience why Mums have been ostracised.
This was actually a private school as well, although many of us parents weren't rich, for us m, my ex is and I badgered him in to paying for it as we drew a very short straw in terms of local council schools (it was a 60 min bus ride away and I'd lose my job if I'd have had to do that daily). That's all a separate story though. And this private school known for pastoral care and helping children with SEN.

It would be good though if you could unpick why this may have happened. No, this isn't victim blaming... those Mums sound absolutely grotesque.
But maybe try to work out what the difference is between you and them?
Can every one of them be horrible people?

I was the same. Was sad I never made school mum friends but the reality was they mostly had friends before their kids even went to the school because they've lived here all their lives. Either their kids were babies together, or they are neighbours or they have family friends or they went to school together. The professional mums from other areas were not often at the drop offs and pick ups every day and used wrap around childcare. It's not about you, they probably just don't need another friend - it's a million times easier to stick with good friends you already have than make new ones. I realised this and went out of my way to find other ways to make friends, eventually finding a great group via a running group. Parties etc are a completely separate thing, the mums were always polite and kind, of not friendly, at these. Don't let it stop you doing a party, it's for your DC not for you. You're not alone.

You remind me of a school mum at my DCs school @Mayxo She thought everyone hated her, stood back, she dressed “differently” if someone didn’t engage straight away they didn’t like her, she suffered from anxiety and depression badly, was a complete defeatist. We had 2 children in the same classes and her third was good friends with another of my DCs. One day she didn’t have a choice I cornered her and wouldn’t shut up, it took time, there were days if I was busy rushing to get the kids or I was in my own world she thought I was ghosting her, but it was all in her head. The situation was very different, she lived and grew in the small town and was bullied by a lot of the other parents as a child, but I think they had grown up where she was still living it, in her head and for the most part it was in her head.

i think for your dd you put a front on, you still have the party but if you can’t invite others you have a back up, find ways to make it irresistible for others to say no, if dd is into princesses hire one, tell dd to make sure everyone knows. Even if not many turn up, Cinderella did. And have a plan for after the party if they let her down. Keep it to yourself, movie, bowing, favourite restaurant etc… then if things do turn to shit you have that for her. Fingers crossed they aren’t that cruel though x

This isn't a reflection of you, but from your posting style and grammar I'm wondering if they've made some assumptions about you and have decided you're not one of them ... Either way though, you do you and find your tribe elsewhere. Don't let your own feelings stop your children from having the fullest experience of friendships they can.

I find the school mums at my sons school a bit fake to be honest. I also learnt quickly that if your children are not friends, forget it! It's not you OP!

I’m not far from you OP, those villages are all a bit cliquey. But mostly everyone is ok really, it’s just that there are lots of groups who already know one another and getting in to them is like having to use a crow bar on a locked door! Clubs and “joining in” are inevitably the answer.

Sounds like your kids can stand on their own feet for friends, so I wouldn’t worry too much about them.

And I know you’re saying they actively blank you etc, but honestly that’s very probably just the way it feels. When you’re constantly busy it’s really easy to look past someone without even realising, or to not notice them trying to get your attention.

I relocated from the South East to the very top of the Midlands I’m pretty close to Sheffield. I think you have the same issue as me a very different accent and not like the other locals. Well I just steamrollered in there as I am very confident. That was 17 years ago and I’m still very good friends with two of those Mums, had NYE with one of them and still say hi and chat in the street to some of the others.

@Isthisexpected
I don't really think the school mums will judge my grammar by looking at me and know I have dyslexia though, I don't exactly write to them just must be my appearance or awkwardness I don't know I am abit anxious sometimes maybe it shows

@LuluMorris
Thank you 😊 it could be that, my daughters best friends mum very rarely ever comes to the school she gets her 17 year old son to get her daughter it could be why, all down to friends maybe x

Thank you for all the responses 🙂
I will definitely try not to take it to heart with most of the mums and think of joining some clubs ☺️ xx

It may be nothing to do with you and something about the area.

My children are grown up now. I find it quite easy to talk to new people and always had loads of friends on school run and could chat to anyone.

I have moved to a new village and honestly find it the most unfriendly place. I don't mind because I have lots of interests and am self contained and happy but just walking about, no one smiles or makes small talk unless they are very drunk at the pub and then it is overwhelming.

Not my imagination, all my family have separately come to the same conclusion.

I would try, as others have suggested, getting on with other areas of life. Eventually the school run will click but you don't need to change yourself.

How odd.

If the other mums were outwardly polite, but just not that friendly, then I would suggest that it's not personal.

But blatantly being rude, blanking you etc as you have described sounds very strange. And not just one Mum but everyone? It's very bizarre.

Do you think you have somehow inadvertently offended a Queen Bee and you are being gossiped about/deliberately ostracised? Or perhaps a DH said they fancied you and a Queen Bee DW has got the hump?

What does your DH think? Given that he's in with the in-crowd, can he not make some discreet inquiries or ask one of the other DHs?

If you have a spare half hour, listen to Mel Robbins talk about the "let them" theory: it really is as life changing as she says in situations like these (and many many others). It has saved me so much mental bandwidth and I recommend it to everyone. Essentially, you let people have their views, thoughts and behaviours unless and until it violates a boundary of yours. Very liberating.

I didn't understand the whole school mums thing, older first time mother. I sort of kept back but was surprised other mums did talk to me. I was working a lot, so drop off was just that, pick up I tried to be early but often not. I was definitely not one of the gang, a lot were quite posh SAHMs, I just talked to whoever was there, I had a few really awful encounters, talking to one mum and a couple came up and literally walked between us and blocked me out. My DD made friends and her friends mum's became my school gate friends. Don't sweat it if they don't like you screw them.

I must say one day my DH collected after he'd been to a meeting, so pretty smart for once and a few comments were made...

I think the school mums that exclude are the small minded ones that engage in petty politics, a little power trip for them. Anyone with a busy life, just doesn't have the heads pace for that nonsense.

I know how you feel, you're not the only one 😩 I now make sure I don't arrive too early to pick my daughters up so I'm not awkwardly standing there on my own while others are with someone or groups. People who I have spoken to briefly go from just saying hi and a smile when we pass each other then nothing. Luckily I have my sister who has kids at the same school so I stand with her on pick up but in the morning I'm on my own as she works mornings.
Tbf I'm an introvert so not a talkative person and struggle to carry on a conversation so maybe I'm just socially awkward and not approachable. I do love my own space and don't feel like I always need to be around people talking and I think me working through the day helps but sometimes I do feel lonely and wonder why people don't approach me.

You're not alone, I know how you feel my eldest is in year 5, nobody ever makes an effort to speak to me then I see mums stood together chatting, I've tried involving myself I some conversations but still feels like nobody every says hi to me or approaches me to chat like the do with the other mums.
I must look unproachable lol but most the time I just get to the school when they just come out so maybe it's because I'm not arriving early enough to have conversations with them.
I think some of them live near each other too so they might know each other as neighbours too

@Tamijade I'm now working at a boarding school, so I put my daughter in breakfast club before everyone else arrives. I pick my son up from secondary school at 3:10 p.m. After getting him and getting to my daughter's school, they have all left, and honestly, it's been great. I went to my daughter's play a couple of weeks ago; one parent spoke to me rudely, and a couple laughed at me, so sadly, it still hasn't changed. But it doesn't bother me anymore. Since turning 30, I've just turned a blind eye to it. If people want to be friendly, then great, but if not, it's not my problem. I've learned not to care anymore. Not bumping into them has helped, mind you. Your doing great, keep going and ignore them, better to arrive late in my opinion lol xx