Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Autistic women assemble! #3

996 replies

Nepmarthiturn · 06/01/2024 18:58

This is a thread for autistic women to connect, chat, vent, laugh, share and seek advice and solidarity (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

Any autistic women newly finding the thread are very welcome to join us (even if awaiting diagnosis) but we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please…

Previous threads:

1

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4777843-autistic-women-assemble

#2
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4865805-autistic-women-assemble-2

OP posts:
Thread gallery
31
Picklemeyellow · 07/01/2024 10:48

Mabelface · 07/01/2024 10:45

@Picklemeyellow I was 50 and 52 respectively for autism and ADHD diagnoses, and it's changed my life enormously. I'm a lot kinder to myself now, as I'm not shit at life, deficient or defective, just differently wired.

Just to mention, you don't need a diagnosis to have reasonable adjustments in work. You just need to have support needs. The government also offer Access to Work support. They can fund things like a work coach, active noise cancelling headphones, assistive software etc.

Thank you, that does encourage me somewhat.
I am self employed so sadly can not access any support work wise.

TheShellBeach · 07/01/2024 10:53

@Picklemeyellow

I truly do not know if I have Autism or ADHD or a combination of both but I’m too scared to look for a diagnosis, I mean, who is going to take an almost 51 year old woman seriously?

I was 63 when I was diagnosed. The diagnosis has informed everything I do, and made sense of my whole life.

I now understand why some people really liked me and others really could not stand me - and why I had no friends at school - and why so many people called me eccentric and odd.

It has been a great gift to have my diagnosis. One thing that has changed is that I don't try to suppress meltdowns now - I just let them happen and feel better afterwards (better in the sense that I am expressing my true feelings and emotions). I don't have really noisy, out-of-control meltdowns in public but where it's safe (i.e. at home) I absolutely do now. They're infrequent but they happen.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 07/01/2024 10:56

@TheShellBeach Me and you are like two peas in a pod with the even numbers. Car radio / TV - tick, Yoghurts - tick

Right I need to go do stuff.

TheShellBeach · 07/01/2024 11:00

Thanks for that link, @RainbowZebraWarrior

This information helped me to understand why my mental health broke down during the perimenopause and I ended up in a psychiatric hospital as a result.

Not that the hospital were any help. They just diagnosed me with a personality disorder.

Wankers.

I had therapy with a brilliant psychiatrist about eight years ago (so nearly twenty years later) and he told me that I absolutely didn't have a personality disorder, and I felt so validated. Just hearing that was wonderful.

ncforthisone256 · 07/01/2024 11:01

Thanks @RainbowZebraWarrior . My mum was one of the people who told me I'm being silly but I don't think she really understands what ASD is. I taught myself to read before I was 3 and apparently my parents only knew I could read when I started reading the newspaper out loud. I asked my mum if she thought this was strange at the time and she said "no, we thought it was amazing".

I will have a look at the AQ50 thank you.

Gruffling · 07/01/2024 11:06

Hey. Going to follow along this one. Almost 10 years post diagnosis and now have an ND child.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 07/01/2024 11:22

ncforthisone256 · 07/01/2024 11:01

Thanks @RainbowZebraWarrior . My mum was one of the people who told me I'm being silly but I don't think she really understands what ASD is. I taught myself to read before I was 3 and apparently my parents only knew I could read when I started reading the newspaper out loud. I asked my mum if she thought this was strange at the time and she said "no, we thought it was amazing".

I will have a look at the AQ50 thank you.

My Mum thought I was being silly as well. She also kept saying "but we all do that" etc. Anyway, when I told her I was going for assessment, she agreed to help with my background story. It was so glaringly obvious from a baby that I was Autistic. So I think this is where a lot of the "Don't be silly" stuff comes from - it's guilt / shame that they didn't recognise it (even though I've never made my Mum feel like that - it was the 70s and she was having a shit time herself) She is now massively supportive of both myself and my DD who is also Autistic and fiercely protective of us. I think at the age of 79, the penny has finally dropped that she is very likely Autistic herself and it explains a lot of things she's struggled with her whole life (I was talking to her about people pleasing and fawning the other day which my daughter does and she sadly admitted she had employed both things as coping mechanisms or trauma responses)

Anyway I'll go for now as me and DD are going out. Sorry, I waffle a lot. Autism has become my own specialist area of interest.

JewelleryCat · 07/01/2024 11:35

@RainbowZebraWarrior its ok to waffle, I enjoy reading it and have fun on the day out 🙂

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone uses spinner rings? I got one a couple of weeks ago and I’m finding it useful when my anxiety kicks in. Anyone else?

Picklemeyellow · 07/01/2024 11:45

TheShellBeach · 07/01/2024 10:53

@Picklemeyellow

I truly do not know if I have Autism or ADHD or a combination of both but I’m too scared to look for a diagnosis, I mean, who is going to take an almost 51 year old woman seriously?

I was 63 when I was diagnosed. The diagnosis has informed everything I do, and made sense of my whole life.

I now understand why some people really liked me and others really could not stand me - and why I had no friends at school - and why so many people called me eccentric and odd.

It has been a great gift to have my diagnosis. One thing that has changed is that I don't try to suppress meltdowns now - I just let them happen and feel better afterwards (better in the sense that I am expressing my true feelings and emotions). I don't have really noisy, out-of-control meltdowns in public but where it's safe (i.e. at home) I absolutely do now. They're infrequent but they happen.

That has given me some hope. I would love to come to some understanding (and peace of mind) as to why I have always felt different from my peers, why my ‘quirks’ were even there in the first place and why certain aspects of life and everyday living have always felt like such hard work to me.
Maybe I need to push this more?

Original poster
Nepmarthiturn · 07/01/2024 11:53

StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance · 07/01/2024 09:37

Can I join the thread even if I only suspect I may be autistic?

Haven't caught up yet but just wanted to respond to this and say yes, of course!

OP posts:
Floopani · 07/01/2024 11:57

Picklemeyellow · 07/01/2024 10:31

I hadn’t seen the last threads but glad I’ve found this one.

Even though I’m 50 I’ve suspected for a while now that I may be ND.

I have struggled all of my life (from very early childhood) with so many issues. Had very strange ‘quirks’ and behaviours as a child but was told that’s just me, it’s who I am, that I’m strange/weird/emotional, unsociable etc. So I have just bumped along through life (struggling very much along the way).

Perimenopause, for some reason, has made everything so so much harder, as though all of these quirks and behaviours have ramped up a notch without me doing anything, having no control over it.

I truly do not know if I have Autism or adhd or a combination of both but I’m too scared to look for a diagnosis, I mean, who is going to take an almost 51 year old woman seriously? I’ve spent years being told all my issues are anxiety, ocd, an eating disorder, depression etc - it’s almost as though this is branded into all of my medical records and no one is prepared to consider any other possibilities. Does anyone else feel
this way?

And people on social media seem to have made autism and adhd a fun thing, something to joke about. My lifelong struggles have been anything but fun. I’m worried my GP would see me as someone who wants to jump on this bandwagon.

These are exactly my worries too @Picklemeyellow . This week I did the AQ50 that @RainbowZebraWarrior mentioned and got 29, so even though that is just above threshold from what I read about it, I think I'm either not answering properly, that my score isn't high enough or that I'm just jumping on a bandwagon. I also struggled a bit to answer some of the questions because I'm not sure what is true and what I have covered up without realising. Like eye contact, I think I can do eye contact, but I am also very aware that I am one of those people who talk away whilst looking all over the place and using my hands. I also know being a remote worker has made my life so much easier than before, Teams and Zoom have changed my life. I can fidget and not make eye contact with anyone whilst looking entirely in control. But also, maybe this is how everyone feels and I'm just being dramatic. Ugh.

herebehippos · 07/01/2024 12:03

Hey all, I missed thread 2 as I have had a very busy few months.
I've just started a new job and I am trying really hard not to let myself get overwhelmed.
We only have one NT family member and he's the youngest. For years I've managed the background of our lives by being the one not working or working part time so me working full time has meant big changes. My AuADHD husband has had to communicate more but I feel like it's working so far, not least because my job is amazingly flexible and because I've reached a point where I can take care of my needs without guilt.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 07/01/2024 12:06

Regarding eye contact: I realised I'd just gotten really good at loking at people's noses etc. It's actually quite bad when I do notice it. I can't even do eye contact with my Dad for example. It's one of those things where you don't notice if / how much you struggle until you take some time to really think about it.

Also, questions like "Are you unaware that you interrupt all the time" I ticked Yes, a lot but then put a note at the bottom saying I know I'm doing it, but I cannot stop myself.

It can also be a good idea for thse reasons to park the AQ 50 for a month or so and come back to it. I remember mulling things over for about a year, then things really started to go Pear shaped and I knew.

Mummybearsporridge · 07/01/2024 12:21

JewelleryCat · 07/01/2024 11:35

@RainbowZebraWarrior its ok to waffle, I enjoy reading it and have fun on the day out 🙂

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone uses spinner rings? I got one a couple of weeks ago and I’m finding it useful when my anxiety kicks in. Anyone else?

Where did you get yours from? I've thought about getting one for a while as I pick at the skin on my thumb quite badly, especially if I'm at all anxious, I end up really hurting myself. Convinced my thumb will need chopping off one day so need something to fiddle with instead of this!

Mummybearsporridge · 07/01/2024 12:27

TheShellBeach · 07/01/2024 11:00

Thanks for that link, @RainbowZebraWarrior

This information helped me to understand why my mental health broke down during the perimenopause and I ended up in a psychiatric hospital as a result.

Not that the hospital were any help. They just diagnosed me with a personality disorder.

Wankers.

I had therapy with a brilliant psychiatrist about eight years ago (so nearly twenty years later) and he told me that I absolutely didn't have a personality disorder, and I felt so validated. Just hearing that was wonderful.

My mental health got to this point about 7 years ago and being hospitalised was the worst possible thing for me. Now I can understand how I got to that point I'm really angry about my treatment throughout my life really. Also how some of the advice and 'support' made lots of things worse for me.
Anyone else feel almost a kind of grief after diagnosis? So sad and angry about the opportunities I've had that could have been a lot different if I'd understood myself earlier (and people were more supportive)

TheShellBeach · 07/01/2024 12:30

Mummybearsporridge · 07/01/2024 12:21

Where did you get yours from? I've thought about getting one for a while as I pick at the skin on my thumb quite badly, especially if I'm at all anxious, I end up really hurting myself. Convinced my thumb will need chopping off one day so need something to fiddle with instead of this!

Show quote history

I do this but it's not just my thumbs. It's every nail bed.

Agony.

ncforthisone256 · 07/01/2024 13:13

Regarding eye contact: I realised I'd just gotten really good at loking at people's noses etc.

This may be a stupid question but when people say "eye contact" do they actually mean looking into someone's eyes? I just assumed it meant looking at their face, I don't think I ever actually look directly into someone's eyes.

This is one of the problems I've had with the online tests. I often struggle to answer the questions as e.g. sometimes they'll describe something but it won't exactly match my experience so I'll put no/never but then I wonder if I'm taking it too literally.

JewelleryCat · 07/01/2024 13:41

Mummybearsporridge · 07/01/2024 12:21

Where did you get yours from? I've thought about getting one for a while as I pick at the skin on my thumb quite badly, especially if I'm at all anxious, I end up really hurting myself. Convinced my thumb will need chopping off one day so need something to fiddle with instead of this!

Show quote history

I think I got mine from Etsy, there’s so much choice that I’m sure you’ll find your perfect one for you 🙂

I can also recommend pop it’s if you’ve heard of them

RainbowZebraWarrior · 07/01/2024 14:48

@ncforthisone256 I would take it very literally and that eye contact means eye contact. Eye contact makes me feel totally panicky and spiky and wrong and I cant force myself to do it. I can do general faces (with a lot of me looking away) but not eyes. DD doesn't even look in the same direction of the person most of the time, so she struggles really badly.

TheShellBeach · 07/01/2024 14:53

DD doesn't even look in the same direction of the person most of the time, so she struggles really badly

Sympathies, @RainbowZebraWarrior DS2 is like this. He prefers to sit away from us and looks ahead. But he's very animated in what he says.

Interrupts all the time - but then, so do I. It's awful when we're both trying to get a point across. I feel a bit sorry for DH having to listen to us.

Grin
RainbowZebraWarrior · 07/01/2024 14:55

I had a quick read of the first one, shell and just wonder why people feel the need to proclaim that a supposed friend doesn't cope well with minor setbacks. If it was framed as them wanting to help maybe... but nah, it's the usual sanctimonious, wind up merchants full of self importance and being deliberately ableist.

Haven't read the second one. Am just on the metro home so will give a look when I get back.

TheShellBeach · 07/01/2024 14:57

Did you report the first one, Rainbow?

I have made so many reports today that MNHQ must have me flagged up as a troublemaker.

I sometimes wonder if they ban people for reporting too much.

Swipe left for the next trending thread