I'm autistic and I can not work

[lilacsunbeam]

I'm 30, diagnosed as autistic when I was 11 and my whole life I have struggled to go to school/ work. I job hop and seem to be fine for the first month of the job and then it all goes wrong and I find the thought of going into work hideous.

I am a mum to one who is 3 and I parent her fine, I do become overwhelmed sometimes but for the most part I find it okay.

I was a stay at home mum until 2 months ago when I started a new job and thought I was loving it but now the cracks are starting to show and I feel like running away again.

My husband earns enough for me not to work and puts no pressure on to me work but I really wanted to earn my own money and feel like I have something else to my name other than just "mum" I'm really annoyed with myself and I don't know what to do.

Are there any people out there diagnosed with autism or strongly believe they have autism who struggle to work? What do you do instead to keep you busy and for filled?

What kind of jobs are you doing and why are you struggling with them? What’s happening? Are you being fired or are you quitting because you hate it?

Hi there, just to say that (while I’m NT as far as I know) I also generally hate jobs at the one month mark. It’s long enough for the novelty to have worn off but not long enough to feel good at the job. If I push through it improves a few months later. Worth considering ?

@Dissimilitude I was a nursery nurse for 12 years before I had DD (I job hopped so a few different settings) and now I have just started a job in the NHS working as an admin kind of role. I have never been fired and always left on my own accord. I seem to put all my effort and energy into the job and then burn out after a month or so and start to make mistakes which then make me feel awkward and on edge, I struggle to communicate in the same way everyone else at work does so this usually ends up with me being an outsider. I only work 20 hours a week so not much and the thought of having to go in is making me so anxious.

I'm self employed and have been ever since the kids were born, working in my old field. Some years it's a toe in the water if things are bad otherwise; other years I make a very decent income, but either way it preserves my self-respect (no one except DH knows or cares how successful it's been recently, just that I'm 'still working as XX, yes, how about you?').

Downside: I feel like a shit feminist relying on his higher income this way, even though he loudly and explicitly says he does not mind. And I have no clear career progression and no employer pension contributions, so have to pay over the odds there. But we manage.

I don't have an autism diagnosis but my kids do (as does one of my siblings).

Ok thanks - do you get any feedback on how you are being perceived / performing? I assume all is ok?

So we are talking about your own perceptions of yourself, and your anxieties. This helps, to understand, thanks!

You haven’t written what kind of jobs you had, I’m assuming you find people and noise overwhelming so need a quieter environment? some more detail would be helpful. I had a colleague who had diagnosed autism but he worked in academic research which meant most of his time was spent alone so he was fine, he did get overwhelmed when he had to present papers or in staff meetings but they were infrequent so it was tolerable . As much as your DH can support you it does make you financially vulnerable I have met plenty of divorced women in my life but also a couple of young widows. Are you so comfortable that he can fund a pension for you?

What about being a childminder in your own home? You said you find being a sahm fine and you're obviously very experienced at looking after kids. You would have only a few interactions with adults every day.

In fact, what about a childminder for kids with autism? Parents would probably think you were amazing!

Is it the pressure to ‘perform’ at work that you find difficult? Maybe you’re fine when not much is expected of you in the first few weeks, but then a month or so in, when you feel that others might start to expect you to ‘know’ the job, you get anxious?

Could you consider doing volunteering for a while, with a charity or the National Trust etc., and build up your confidence and self-esteem, which might help when you’re considering employment, perhaps in the same area you volunteer in?

Sorry that was a crossover so you had answered my questions. They are both especially being a nursery nurse very noisy environments.

Do you like admin, the actual job itself? I think all roles in the NHS are hugely pressured. Could you look for an admin role in a small office that is not part of a huge organisation.

You can work, if you worked for 12 years in a nursery! What did you enjoy about that job?

Lots of jobs cause anxiety, sadly-many of the people in my work are on anti depressants or anti-anxiety medications :(

I would suggest working less than 20 hours or considering volunteering somewhere flexible.
I think childminder is very stressful, being a sahm is nothing like being paid to look after stranger's kids, having inspections, dealing with tax.
You need to identify what your achilles heel in jobs and try to avoid, minimise or find ways to cope with it.

You could try agency 0 hour contracts but if you need routine this will be a terrible idea!

@Dissimilitude I have had employers in the past pull me in to the office quite a few times for things that I have done or things I'm not coping well with (nothing bad, I've always been great with the children) more so paperwork based and making general errors due to be being overwhelmed and a slow learner.

I also can't change my personality to fit in with different kinds of people, I'm always me regardless of who I'm around.

@Gritty I have thought about this but I couldn't cope with being called up last minute and being asked to work, I would go into meltdown unfortunately.

Dd worked for McDonald's who were great - I know it doesn't sound amazing but they were right on reasonable adjustments (fixed shifts, fixed position instore, noise defending headphones, mentor) the job was predictable and others were fairly similar which helped.

Would you work in a warehouse or factory? Cleaning offices?.people skills and organisation are essential in all jobs unless your skill is so rare and precious that bosses overlook this and hire you a PA ie top surgeon or lawyer. For jobs like admin you are expected to be strong in dealing with people and paperwork.

I think it is very hard for people who are NT to understand just how challenging working can be for some ND people. Are you part or full time? I know I could only just about cope with a very flexible part time job and would burn out with anything more than this as parenting takes so much out of me. Unfortunately it has become harder and harder as I age to work (and there is scant research on women ageing with ASD but what there is shows that the challenges increase).

I have also thought about childminding but I agree that I might find the noise and mess in my own home overwhelming, I am quite particular about my home and get extremely anxious if things are messed up or moved to different places. My daughter has her own play room and bedroom where she can make as much mess as she likes and she knows what she can and can't do etc.

So you need set hours.part time, limited number of people you deal with....make a list of.must haves and nice to have eg commute, pay, shift/hours...

Lots of jobs cause anxiety, sadly-many of the people in my work are on anti depressants or anti-anxiety medications :(

I can understand putting yourself through that if you have to, to pay the bills and survive, but if you can manage with one partner working and both are happy with that, why is there so much societal pressure for both to do so? The op says she doesn’t have to work, perhaps she feels she needs to because being ‘mum’ isn’t considered enough any more? You can do many things other than being in paid employment to contribute to society.

Yes my husband could pay for a pension for me, tbh I hadn't even thought about needing a pension for myself, I'm not very good when it comes to that kind of thing.

Does your employer know you are autistic? If yes, are they making reasonable adjustments and putting in extra support?

How do you feel about volunteering part time in person or online?

Volunteering is a great idea, I could definitely do that as there would be no pressure there, I love animals so maybe something to do with animals.

I just really want to be self sufficient and earn my own money, my husband is very generous but it doesn't feel the same as earning my own money. I also don't have access to his accounts so I have to ask him for money when I need it which I don't like, he always gives me the money and I don't go without but I hate asking, it makes me feel like a child.