Help me deal with where to hide food

[Nocakeinthishouse]

My dd (20) has bullemia. She is also very constrained in what she will eat. I have to cook her meals from scratch, she is vegan and she has to watch me cook it so that she knows exactly what I have put in so she can count the macros and calories. She then waits until the household is asleep or out and raids the house food-wise. She has admitted that she can easily eat 8000 calories in a night.

i am trying so hard to help her. We’ve been to the GP, we have been in touch with BEAT, we have found her a group to attend, we got her help (which she flatly refused and now her BMI is back in the normal range so she no longer qualifies). I have stopped buying the foods that she says triggers her, even though the rest of the household enjoys them. The fall out from her binges are awful-she spends hours crying and ranting about how fat she is and it breaks my heart.

We have had problems with her eating her sister’s food previously-her sister is 6 and autistic-she has a very limited diet and so it is important that there is at least one meal in the house that she will eat. She likes to save food that has been given to her as a gift too, for example Easter Eggs and Chocolate reindeers that she got at Christmas time. Within days of her receiving them my older dd has eaten them, and because Easter or Christmas is now over they can’t be replaced as they are seasonal.

I am currently on a low calorie, high protein diet as I have been on medication that led to me gaining 30kgs, which needs to come off for my health. I have bought myself some high protein bars and a sweet freedom choc pot as something to tuck away for when I desperately want a sweet kick. I hid them in my underwear drawer because I knew that I couldn’t put them in the kitchen cupboard (they aren’t cheap and so I wanted to ration them). I went to get a teaspoon of the choc pot today and all the bars and the choc pot have gone. I only bought them on Wednesday. Over Christmas I was spending up to £180 a week on food and going to the supermarket every day, as the only things that didn’t get eaten the night I bought them were the vegetables that needed preparing before you ate them and my 6 year old needed feeding too.

I cannot afford to replace everything constantly. I am a single parent on minimum wage and dd doesn’t contribute to the household income because she is a student. I don’t know what else to do other than find better hiding places for things, but then how do I deal with the frozen and refrigerated stuff? I just wish she would accept help.

She might benefit from breakfast and exercise, if you're rural can she take walks or runs. Are there any volunteering opportunities she might enjoy, sitting around at home doing nothing is boring. Not all the gym members at uni will be sports science students. If she is going to be into accommodation then she needs to start shopping and cooking for herself. Is it halls or house share.

Discuss strategies with her during the day.
Agree them- three generous meals a day, sharing the cooking for example. Specific snacks available.

The agree to lock the kitchen at all other times. That’s only one lock.

It’s a weird way to live, yes, and not ideal. But the current arrangement is also not ideal.

I have been anorexic, bulimic, exercise obsessed and at addicted to alcohol. I do not think you should lock away food, or give her her own cupboard as that will make your daughter feel that she is not entitled to 'normal' food and eating. She needs to be included, and allowed to participate as much as she feels she can, without pressure. I remember running in the middle of a family people as I was being told what to eat, I sat in a field for a few hours.I never fully understood why I was like this. I would go from bran and water to peeling layers off a double decker and counting each calorie, I would buy loads of cakes that I didn't even like and make myself sick to the extent I had scare marks on my knuckles. I only got better, my going to Greece, probably no help, but ultimately in Greece food is good and to be enjoyed and shared, noone cares about how much anyone eats or what. That was a ramble sorry, I am 58 now by the way. I am aware that I have not spoken about your other daughter.

Sounds like a good plan OP. You can frame the changes around cooking and more regular eating as preparation for moving into halls next year (rather than specifically bulimia related).

Would couch2 5k be an option for her? It is very encouraging and starts very slowly so isn’t demoralising and also can be started where you are now and carry on in halls. If she enjoyed yoga then youtube yoga is great too - would she do it daily eg with you ?? Getting into a routine is the key thing especially if there is ADHD going on.

Surely just put a little CK on your bedroom door and keep all food not needing refrigeration in there. Keep the key with you at all times. You could get a mini fridge to go in there too.

If you are bulimic, the meals don't matter nor does knowing that food and snacks are available. If anything, it draws attention to food itself, which should be seen as nurturing and enjoyable, which is not the case in a bulimic.

@Agapibuxton goodness, are you me? These are exactly my memories! The bran (Jordans?) Like flaky husk dust? And the Double Decker. And the knuckles. My turnaround, when it came, was less joyous than yours, but just as sudden when I realised I just wanted to live. (This involved escaping a DV situation.)
Glad you're well now.

OP, from my experience, I was generally living away from home at the time, a student in the early 90's. I stayed mainly on the anorexic side, purging if I ate so much as a single bag of crisps, or an apple. My 'overconsumption' took the form of creating elaborate multi course dinner parties for a dozen or so people. Cook it all then watch them eat it.
I remember hardly anyone saying anything to me, maybe 3 or four people in the whole time I was like it? And they will have known, I was horrifically thin. I think if anyone had tried to intervene I can't imagine it would have gone well. In some sad way I would probably have been proud of myself.
In your case? I worry for her little sister tbh (I know you do too, sorry) She's so little for this awful thing to impact her. I can totally see why you would get to a point where locks look like a good idea. My worry would be the shame this creates though? I think this might actually encourage the behaviour? I think I might veer toward the letting her take control of her own food no matter how disruptive in the short term.
Very best of luck.

Neurodiversity and eating disorders are commonly linked - are you sure she is also not neurodiverse like her sister? I had bulimia as a teen and then diagnosed inattentive ADHD as an adult.

Going against the grain- can she choose something cheap to binge on? Rice Krispies or cheap ice cream? So she’s got stocks in the house of something cheap then make it clear everything else is off limits for binges (but fine for normal family meals).

I totally agree with @Fiddlerdragon and think you are massively enabling her. If she was an alcoholic would you be buying her the vodka to her specifications and fixing her drinks in the right glass etc? No.
I feel you are giving in to her and allowing her to walk all over you. Take a stand, tell her off for stealing your food and your other daughters so she knows she can't do that. At the moment you are being her doormat. And I know i will get shouted at, but i come from a family of addicts and eating disorders and my mum was like you. Until she had had enough and stood up to my sister and things improved vastly then.

Unfortunately I agree with this.
Mostly on here people will advise that a mh condition cannot be expected to take over the household and help must be sought and taken.
It is unfortunate that your daughter is struggling but £180 pw on food for 3 of you is ludicrous. Even if you can afford it I'm sure the money could be better spent elsewhere.
I would be having a chat about any help available being used or alternative accommodation being found.
It isn't fair on the 6 year old being forced to live with your older daughters behaviour....ask yourself, would you be keen to accommodate her if she was an alcoholic?

Glad you are well too. I was a student in late '80's. I understand the dinner party thing I made cakes instead with copious amounts of butter cream. My going to Greece wasn't joyous, it was an escape, after my degree, not wanting to go home🤔Worked out well stayed 15 years. Op, just worried your younger daughter could have learned and be mimickering your older daughter's behaviour, I can understand how she feels when her reindeer had gone. Without making it all to do about food on special occasions, could you perhaps build up to going shopping hope for and enjoying one item at a time together? For you, Aldi has high protein mousse, chocolate included as someone else lock them in your car, whenever I have done this, regarding Christmas presents, I have hidden the car keys so well that it has taken ages to find them, so you need a secret note!

My autistic child gets up at night and steals food. It's not an eating disorder for him but my advice is to put a lock on the cupboard and stop hiding food. Every time I had a new hiding place he would just find it and I would have to find somewhere new. My other child was so upset every treat she had was stolen. Since I've put the lock on the cupboard it's been amazing the stress he has looking for the food has just gone. Also use a coded lock or they just steal the key- I have a chain through the cupboard handle and a padlock.

Alcohol, drugs and gambling are different they are not a life essentially, but can bevome one.Food too is an addiction, but you need food unlike the others from birth to live, sadly, how much or how little, creates addiction when it shouldn't.

Has she tried a high dose of fluoxetine (Prozac) for the bulimia?

Life essential, have fat fingers and tiny keyboard on this phone.

Can you lock the food in the car?

I have to cook her meals from scratch, she is vegan and she has to watch me cook it so that she knows exactly what I have put in so she can count the macros and calories.

Have YOU had support on how to deal with her eating disorder? I’d think you’re possibly enabling her by engaging in this. She’s 20. She can shop, cook and eat her own food. I can see from your later responses that you’re coming to this conclusion. But do seek help for yourself and the family in how to safely deal with this issue. Yes, she needs to get help to help herself but you also need to get help for yourself to make sure you’re doing and saying the right things.

Also a recommendation- I listened on audio to Hadley Freeman’s memoir Good Girls, of her own anorexia and associated issues when she was younger and it was really informative and useful and compassionate towards parents dealing with teenage/young adult girls suffering from food issues.

Yes - a lock and an extra fridge in your bedroom. I've been there. It will need to be your bedroom or she'll spend the night breaking the lock.

Have you managed to implement anything yet op?

I've not read the whole thread, and this isn't advice on managing the food, but is you daughter claiming PIP? (Personal independence payment) If not, she should apply, eating disorders are serious mental health issues and she would qualify.

This could help with some extra income to help with the extra food, she may also be entitled to more financial support from Uni.

Hi everyone, sorry I’ve been a bit quiet. I sat my eldest down and had a really frank talk with her, which was hard and painful for both of us but I think it helped. We talked about respecting other people’s food and trying to eat more during the day, and she said that she loathes herself when she binges so will try to up her calories during the day to stop the night binges, and has stuck to this so far. She is really trying this week-I replaced my bars and she hasn’t touched them, and has also left her sister’s box of after-eight’s alone. She really doesn’t want to binge and sneak food, and I am so proud of how hard she is trying.

This sounds like a stupid solution but we got a ninja creami for Christmas as we are all big ice cream fans in this house. I’ve made ice cream bases out of protein powder for her-she knows exactly how many calories there are in a pint and what ingredients have gone into them and we have done six different flavours, some with chocolate or biscuit inclusions, and she has absolute free reign on them-she can eat all 6 pints if she wants with no repercussions (but because they are 30g of protein a pot she would be far too full to manage all 6). We also got a tub of quality street that is a free for all, but won’t be replaced when it is gone, and heaps and heaps of fruit and natural yoghurt, falafels, and am chopping up carrot batons and cucumber that she can dip in cream cheese and hummus. Other than that I have bought food that needs preparing to help her not raid the fridge, and am making her meals as high protein as I can. We have got up to 2 meals a day and a good 3pm snack, which is much better than she was doing as previously she wasn’t eating anything until 6/7pm. I am really, really proud of her so far. She sounds like she is in a much better place to accept help too.

I know we haven’t fixed it yet but all of your help has been invaluable, thank you.