MIL a nightmare

[SwordToFlamethrower]

Been married 3 years, together 9 years. MIL been a nightmare since day one.

There have been stints of NC or greyrocking but now she is back in our lives because we have a baby.

It is hard to describe what she is like so I'll give you recent examples.

She came to visit a few weeks ago and I was making a meat pie from scratch for dinner. She stood over my shoulder and demanded to know what I was doing. I was confused and said I was rubbing fat into flour to make pastry. She is very shrill naturally and shreaked that in her country NO ONE makes pies or pastries because they're not as good as the professionally made ones. She then started going on about how the Nazis would shoot people in the street when her parents were younger. It was horrible. She was rude, judgmental and said "why not just leave it to the professionals?" DH was furious at her and told her she was insensitive. Her childhood stories and what she likes or doesn't like or thinks dominates any conversation.

We were watching a comedy show on tv and every time I laughed, she craned her neck, scowling at me in confusion. Making me self conscious for finding comedy funny, in my own home. (She didn't find it funny)

Had a go at ME for not tidying up enough for her visit then laughed and said she was joking when DH said "you're not a guest, you're family, so we don't stand on ceremony for you".

She's just gone home after another visit and this time she sat staring at me nursing my 13 month old. I knew what was coming because 9 years ago she said that women who breastfeed for more than 12 months are getting a sick sexual pleasure from it. I never forgot what she said and I was so tense as she stared at me. "When are you planning to finish breastfeeding?" I knew it! But I tried not to bite. "No plans."

She questioned me, very concerned that she thought it would stunt DD growth, cause weight issues. That it isn't as nutricious as cows milk and surely I want to stop??? At least she didn't accuse me of being a pedo.

I tried laughing it off and DH told her again she was rude. But by the end of the three day visit, we'd been forced to listen to her talking about babies being murdered, wars, her views on politics, on religion (she is a devout Christian and we are atheists) and the best one - a three hour lecture about why we are wrong to not watch TV every evening and instead read, do crafts and play games or whatever. She thinks WE are rigid and unimaginative.

I'm absolutely fed up of her. DH is an only child and she lives alone in London, She is early 70s, fit and healthy.

Yes she might be autistic but honestly, that doesn't excuse her shitty behaviour. She doesn't take no for an answer and her way is the only way, the right way and she doesn't stop when we ask her to.

I don't see this situation improving really!

Anyone else got a MIL like this?

I have a very similar MIL right down to the nitpicking, insensitive comments and dominating of conversations. The main thing is whether your DH backs you up or not - from the example you have given it sounds like be does? This is crucial when dealing with this type of person

Why not tell DH that she will never stay in your home with you there again?
That you are cutting her off and have ended your relationship and he can crack on with the bitch.
Free yourself. You're allowed.

What wibbly said (beautifully 🤣).

Mine told me you weren’t allowed to make pastry at home (she made millions of batshit comments like that). She hated the fact I could make things.
I got all the nitpicking and rude comments. Honestly I just ignored it until it was directed towards me bringing up DD.
She lived half way cross the country and I just stopped making an effort. I was the one who made DH sit down and plan visits and I just stopped facilitating that. So we saw her, but much less.

How did the Nazis get into the pie-making criticism???

Yes he always does. He has to put up with her as well but he has grown up with her so he can tolerate it better than me. She isn't my mum so she gets right up my nose!

If she is early 70s she wouldn't have been around in the war presuming she means WW2!! She sounds a bit mentally unwell. Could you decide she is actually unwell and just ignore her comments as you would an unwell person.

Not something I've experienced, but I think you'll have to limit her visits, and your husband will have to visit her more often. Partly because it'll get worse as she gets older, but also because she'll have more to pick up on once children are older.

As a mother of adult children, I can often see both sides of this sort of situation, but not this one.

Also intrigued by the leap from pie making criticism to people being shot by the nazis.

Poor you though sounds terrible. I thought mine was bad yours is way way worse.

Seriously, why have you got back into full contact with her just because you have a baby? If she’s this rude, limit contact to seeing her for a flying visit, no overnighters! Wh6 would you tolerate this?

Tell her to piss off every time!

Because in Netherlands during the Nazi occupation, no one was allowed to cook and no one had cookers anyway, so she's never understood British culture of baking, which is vastly inferior to "shop bought".

She has a talent for making everything about her!

I'm not saying her behaviour is right, but f she lived through Nazi occupation and survived she had to find an inner tough strength most people don't possess. As a result probably lost her softer side. If she was very young that's the time of her primary socialisation.

That doesn't make her actions right, and I think every time she says something you and your husband need to explain why it's inappropriate because she is basing her comments on her experiences.

but remember she is judging you by a different era and culture and you are judging her with a different culture and era. Maybe do some research into what Nazi occupation of the Netherlands was like to help you understand where her actions come from.

She must have been born in about 1955 so I don’t think she lived through the occupation! And I simply don’t believe that no one in the Netherlands can cook now

Tell her to read a book about nursing toddlers.
She sounds batshit and judgemental.

If she's early 70's WW2 was already over before she was born. Why aren't you NC ?

1952, I meant to say

'She then started going on about how the Nazis would shoot people in the street when her parents were younger. It was horrible.'

If what she says is true then her own parents trauma have been passed to her perhaps damaging her own emotional well-being.

Always remember that you can eject anyone from your life or your home and you do not have to tolerate anyone behaving in a manner you do not like.

I feel for you. My MIL is a complete c*nt too.

She was talking about her parents experiences with nazis. I do try to ignore her. In fact, I often end up silent or saying "oh ok" and avoiding eye contact for much of her visits.

Which is the absolute pits.

The Dutch generation now in their 70s had parents who were massively traumatised during and by the war. There was actual famine. A whole generation of babies were born with weird epigenetic features due to their mothers not getting enough food, there have been special studies done on the Boomers born to wartime Dutch parents.

I have an elderly relative-in-law who is from the Netherlands. Once, when my child said he was hungry she snapped "My mother would have said you don't know what hungry is!" That's three to four generations later the trauma still impacting.

So that part of it is possibly understandable - linking Nazis to a cooking decision.

I also find older people from that culture, to British ears, impossibly blunt and rude. "Why did you do that? It's not good." "Do I want tea? No." "You haven't cleaned this properly." Things like looking scornful and baffled at the comedy could be a part of this.

On the other hand your MIL also sounds like she's mean and rude!! So not making excuses.

Call it a day. You don’t have to keep putting yourself and dd through this. Dh can visit, but if I was you I would go nc.

To be honest I would probably find her stories of Nazi occupation and food quite interesting and want to know more. But then I quite like "characters". Just stand up for yourself...you'll probably get on far better if you do

I get the hunger trauma and long term impact, but can’t quite see how it links “The Nazis shot us in the street. No one could have a cooker. So don’t make a pie”