MIL a nightmare

[SwordToFlamethrower]

Been married 3 years, together 9 years. MIL been a nightmare since day one.

There have been stints of NC or greyrocking but now she is back in our lives because we have a baby.

It is hard to describe what she is like so I'll give you recent examples.

She came to visit a few weeks ago and I was making a meat pie from scratch for dinner. She stood over my shoulder and demanded to know what I was doing. I was confused and said I was rubbing fat into flour to make pastry. She is very shrill naturally and shreaked that in her country NO ONE makes pies or pastries because they're not as good as the professionally made ones. She then started going on about how the Nazis would shoot people in the street when her parents were younger. It was horrible. She was rude, judgmental and said "why not just leave it to the professionals?" DH was furious at her and told her she was insensitive. Her childhood stories and what she likes or doesn't like or thinks dominates any conversation.

We were watching a comedy show on tv and every time I laughed, she craned her neck, scowling at me in confusion. Making me self conscious for finding comedy funny, in my own home. (She didn't find it funny)

Had a go at ME for not tidying up enough for her visit then laughed and said she was joking when DH said "you're not a guest, you're family, so we don't stand on ceremony for you".

She's just gone home after another visit and this time she sat staring at me nursing my 13 month old. I knew what was coming because 9 years ago she said that women who breastfeed for more than 12 months are getting a sick sexual pleasure from it. I never forgot what she said and I was so tense as she stared at me. "When are you planning to finish breastfeeding?" I knew it! But I tried not to bite. "No plans."

She questioned me, very concerned that she thought it would stunt DD growth, cause weight issues. That it isn't as nutricious as cows milk and surely I want to stop??? At least she didn't accuse me of being a pedo.

I tried laughing it off and DH told her again she was rude. But by the end of the three day visit, we'd been forced to listen to her talking about babies being murdered, wars, her views on politics, on religion (she is a devout Christian and we are atheists) and the best one - a three hour lecture about why we are wrong to not watch TV every evening and instead read, do crafts and play games or whatever. She thinks WE are rigid and unimaginative.

I'm absolutely fed up of her. DH is an only child and she lives alone in London, She is early 70s, fit and healthy.

Yes she might be autistic but honestly, that doesn't excuse her shitty behaviour. She doesn't take no for an answer and her way is the only way, the right way and she doesn't stop when we ask her to.

I don't see this situation improving really!

Anyone else got a MIL like this?

Sometimes she sulks but I’m happy with the silence
other times she gets in a strop but again at least she shuts up about the thing she was going on about.
most of the time it just stops that one conversation, she’ll be rude again in no time at all, but at least I’m not taking it on, justifying myself, facing a lecture about something etc. With my mil if I don’t shut it down I won’t hear the end of it. I tried ignoring and laughing it off but she seemed to see that as agreement she was right in her opinions / decisions about my life, so at least this resolves that issue for me.
good luck! It’s a nightmare

Well it seems as though you’re at the stage of planning a new strategy of direct response which is firm. Think that’s the only approach really. She’s direct and will understand (not necessarily like, but understand) a direct reply from you both. You just need to rehearse a few stock phrases and keep to the script.

At the end of the day she’s a guest in your home. And you are perfectly entitled to politely express your feelings on being spoken to in a way you dislike. So just practice the replies going forward.

She will get to know boundaries and you will feel better settling them.

People like this dont understand indirect. Your husband's response to his mum's behaviour isn't firm enough. He should tell her if shes unpleasant then she can't visit. He's the one to put a stop to this once and for all. Ask him why he hasn't.

Thats my reasonable advice, in reality I'd tell her to get the fuck out of my home. & if H didnt like it then he goes too. Your home is your haven. You have a disrupter of your peace landing there whenever she chooses, and being nasty to you. I Your husband needs to support you, he's not on mummy's apron strings anymore so time to sort this out properly.

I agree. These last two visits have been awful. She has changed tactic from outright attacking me and shouting (shrieking at me) to chip, chip, chipping away at me.

DH does tell her no at the time for example "you've brought up your religious beliefs and theories 3 times and we just don't care! You've brought up your feelings on TV and how important you think it is and we just don't care! Stop going on about it!"

Unfortunately, she continues regardless and we were both exhausted.

When DD started getting upset, it was the last straw.

Something definitely has to give.

This is perfect OP, you need to stand up to her exactly like this. So does your husband. You need to present a united front. Just be prepared to ignore any tantrums and tears from her because she is used to being able to bully you.

Nobody deserves to be treated that badly in their own home. If she doesn't behave, stop hosting her. In any case don't let her in the kitchen while you cook, and sit elsewhere to breastfeed.

Whatever her parents went through during the war is completely irrelevant to how she treats you nearly 80 years later. She might be parroting things her parents told her, but these things have nothing to do with your life (or her present day life) and she has no right to bang on about it to you.

Shorten the visits. One night only? Arrive mid afternoon and leave after lunch next day.

My MIL is similar
I have converted my anger into disdain and just don't give her any headspace any longer
I honestly pity her. She has no power over me.

She hates that I can cook and like to cook nice meals from scratch. She just heats up ready meals which she actually brings to my house in preference to eating anything I have made. She always says 'I don't know why you bother when M&S is so much nicer.' I have given up any pretence of trying to please her. I used to try to make her food that she might like and could share with us but now I leave her to heat up her tragic ready meal and eat it out of the plastic packet at 4pm on her own as she seems to prefer it.

All my parenting decisions are universally shit and wrong.
Why do I bother to host my own kids parties when she always just hired soft play?
Why make them home made food when jars and ready meals are so much better?
Why am I always washing clothes and cleaning the house? I should get a cleaner or just not bother.
Why do I bother to walk the dog every day or train him when it never did hers any harm to be left to their own devices.

All my political views, life choices and values are also shit and wrong
What's wrong with that nice Ms Braverman anyway? Surely no sensible person wants all these immigrants coming over here taking our jobs
Alternative medicine and general woo bollox is the gospel truth. How laughable of me to believe in conventional medicine and piss my life away working for the NHS.

Honestly I just don't care. Why would I give any of her shit opinions any attention. I zone her out and don't bother to reply now.

The only times I say anything are when she has been rude to my DC and made them cry eg with comments about DDs acne and a minor physical thing DS has that he is self conscious about. One of her teenage nieces she regularly calls fat and tells to diet. She told her own daughter she needed to lose weight when she had just given birth to twins. If she starts on my kids I shut her down straight away very bluntly and I do not leave her alone with them.

I put up with her visits for the shortest time possible for DH sake. If she outstays her welcome and I consider I have done minimum polite hosting duty then I go for a long bath/ walk/ to the gym or to bed early with my book.
I frequently suggest he takes her out on his own or goes to visit her without me or I book overtime shifts at work to have an excuse not to see her.
DH knows how I feel and he knows it is justified so he doesn't try to make me engage with her.
I know that I am being rude and I was brought up to be nicer than that but it's been 20 years now and I'm over appeasing her

Nazis weren't just around in WW2! 🙄

What's your point @LonelynSad ? The Nazis had no power after WWII.

Why is she staying three days? How far apart are you?

Why don't you visit her for a couple of days but stay in a hotel and see her for a few hours cat her house.

I'd also be blunt at this point and call her out on every comment

"It's so baffling to be judged for scratch cooking! She buys everything pre made and thinks it's superior"

My MIL is like this, she's in her 80s. I think it comes from a 50s/60s attitude of prizing things that were sciencey and new. For her anything shop bought and branded is somehow 'proper', making your own is what poor people do. Similarly she loves a newly built chain restaurant and can't understand why you'd go to an independent place in an older building.

Thinking about it, my Nan was the same too. She'd be in her 90s now if she was alive. She was delighted when microwaves were invented and enthusiastically embraced the ready meal, she couldn't understand why you'd voluntarily chain yourself to drudgery in the kitchen.

Check out lau_ramoso on Instagram for some light relief - she’s a comedian and initiates her very blunt and critical German mother. It’s explained my German relatives’ direct (rude?!) comments so much to me and stopped me feeling I was going insane.

I honestly don't think there is anything you can do to change how this woman behaves now. She sounds unhinged to me.
I have a MIL who will bang on about her views and can sometimes irritate but it's tempered with kindness and love and can be tolerated as none of us are perfect.
However if I had an unkind/mean/unhinged stranger in my house would I continue to do this year on year. No.
Stop now she brings nothing to your family. If DH wants to visit he can.
No contact or visits and protect your children.
That's it. I know some people will excuse all behaviour and yes some of it may be from a harsh childhood herself etc but it's not on you to fix. If she can't have any modicum of self awareness now she will never suddenly change.
Go into the new year with a plan with DH and you will never have to see or speak to her again.

@SwordToFlamethrower

She's visited twice in the last 6 weeks for about 4 days each and by the end of each visit, I was feeling anxious, exhausted and fed up of walking on eggshells.

That's a LOT - even for someone much kinder, nicer and thoughtful that your MIL is. Why so much - maybe consider cutting her visits down in frequency and length and your DH visit her overnight his own instead? And yes, at the times she's in your home be quite as blunt to her as she's being to you.

As for breastfeeding whilst she's in your home perhaps take your baby into your bedroom (is there a lock? If there is, use it) and watch something on a TV or laptop there. 🌹

I said " presuming"

@SwordToFlamethrower

Something definitely has to give.

Let it be her. Stop inviting her into your and your child's safe place and encourage your husband to visit her in his own more often. Be as rude as you like back - especially if you can do so without shouting, so she takes that information into her brain without the distraction of the noise shrieking back would provide. 🌹

Thank you all so much. I've been trying to keep the peace for ages. And this was after no contact for about 2+ years when she was absolutely vile to us both actually. She's never apologised for the way she acted and spoke and since having our dd, she has crept back in.

I can see she's been trying actually, she hasn't straight up attacked me (verbally) and she's kept her voice down. But even her "best behaviour" is still really difficult to cope with.

I actually agree about decreasing the length of time she visits. If she asks why, just state very clearly, “Because you are so negative it is obvious you are not having a good time either. Have you thought about a holiday in Italy or Greece instead?”

Oh I really sympathise with you op. I lived in The Netherlands for a few years and about 50% of the people I knew were batshit (and proud of it).

They are direct/blunt. One example is a man I knew whose wife smoked. He told her not to expect him to look after her and waste his life if she became ill from her habit.
A woman I knew arrived at a family birthday party braless, wearing a see through white top.
One colleague would regularly announce when making us coffees he needed the toilet as feeling the pressure building up in his behind.
Even though The Netherlands is a small country, some Dutch are quite prejudiced about Dutch living in different areas. Amsterdammers are loud and common, Groningen, full of farmers and has own language. Gelderland full of religious, large families. The south, very laid back and softly spoken.
Oh and the Dutch did have ovens during the war. A woman I knew was married to a baker during the war, admittedly had a hard time, her husband would cycle 50 km for potatoes sometimes but they had a cooker.

Also, she must be pretty damn old… WW2 ended 79 years ago. The Netherlands fared badly during the war, but did very well as an ally afterwards.

I don't understand why she was let back in because of the baby? Why would you want anyone like that around your child?

My FIL is a truly cold, horrible and fundamentally unkind man. I have spent the past 30 odd years being charm personified to him and after his wife died last year (dh’s step mother) I have delivered home cooked food for him on a weekly basis which is a 2 hour round trip.

We had him to stay for Christmas and even my daughter was prompted to say that he gives the impression he dislikes me intensely (my lovely sil also thinks he dislikes her). Too boring to go into all the details but he really is mind blowingly cold, rude and ungrateful. None of his grandchildren can stand him.

I’ve now decided that I’m done with him and it’s like a weight has lifted from my shoulders. He is 87 and has heart disease so I know he doesn’t have long but I honestly don’t think I will feel bad when he dies. I’m more than happy to make allowances for age but the rudeness is just too much.

I honestly don't know why now either.

It's here in my OP...

"She then started going on about how the Nazis would shoot people in the street when her parents were younger"

I asked dh if she ever used to bring up war stories from her parents when he was younger and he is baffled because she didn't.

I'm thinking she is somehow triggered by all my home baking. I try to scratch cook everything I can, due to the UPF problem that's come out recently. Also it is good for my mental health and I like the taste.

But no, she never had dealings with nazis, just living with the secondhand trauma as a child.

She is utterly obsessed with food though (she is very slim!) She takes loads of supplements, buys organic and the best brands possible. She gets very stressed if something isn't the brand she is used to.

But she is very controlling about food, yes.

@SwordToFlamethrower SwordToFlamethrower. She is utterly obsessed with food though (she is very slim!) She takes loads of supplements, buys organic and the best brands possible.

So will probably live to be 120! 😏