How much effort do you make with in-laws?

[giraffes2021]

Just out of interest here wondering from a female perspective how much effort do you make with your DP family?
Is it you that would reach out to arrange to see them so they could see DGC ? Or same with their sisters and brothers?
Or do you leave it all to DP?

I make no effort at all, I didn't see them once last year. They don't make any effort to see me either though so I don't feel guilty. DS and DD are grown up (ish) so no need to make the effort for them.

Leave it all to DH. Not my circus.

I leave it all to my DH. I have never reached out.

Leave it to DH. I’d be pretty if he tried to arrange seeing my family so I don’t see why I should organise anything for his.

I used to make effort. I don't anymore. Not necessarily that they've done anything wrong but I have so much going on and mental load for myself and kids that I can't be bothered. They're adults, my DH is an adult, it's not my fault if he's crap at keeping in contact with them. I don't have the energy anymore.

I do make an effort. They are lovely though and will often take DC on midterms etc. I wish they lived closer.

Have always had a good relationship with them and they've always treated me like another daughter.
But I leave DH to make all the arrangements as he speaks to them regularly

Lots. They are family. My DC love them. I want DC to know that side of the family. They are nice people - we don't share the same views on everything but I can learn from them and they have a lot to give. Family is family - and I'd very much want my DC's wife/husband/partners to make the effort with me - as I will with them.

I make lots of effort because they are my family too. We are married so..we joined our families.
Dh makes an effort for my family too.

I used to but I gave up due to their offensive indifference. Everything via DH now - they like to see him fairly regularly and me and the kids are just Christmas and birthdays. It works.
I think you'll find your own way and ascertain their interest over time by how much/if your efforts are appreciated and reciprocated. Hopefully you'll have a lovely loving relationship with yours.

They live 10 minutes walk from us, help us a lot and we all make as much effort as each other. I can't say enough good things about them.

I don't even have their phone numbers 😂 DP deals with them.

I used to but they've got down massively over the years in my estimation with their continued favouritism of SIL over DH. You don't get rewarded for that.

I send cards on behalf of our whole family and usually choose/buy presents. I message my lovely MIL pictures of the children and together with my partner host big family meals too - which I don’t love doing.

Maintaining good relationships with in laws is incredibly important to me - even the ones who are less agreeable.

I realise this all sounds a bit like ‘wife work’ so should mention my civil partner takes on a lot of the domestic work - probably more than me if we sat down to work it out - so things are balanced overall. I haven’t done a load of washing in years, for instance.

I made the effort for years with his family until one day I'd decided I'd had enough of trying with them and since then it's all on him to take DC to see his family.

Leave it to my DH, I'm very LC almost NC with them due to past history

I see them as family so both I and my husband will make contact. His mum is crazy about our kids so I send her photos and updates often but we see her most weeks anyway. She lives an hour away from us so we visit her one week and she visits us the next week. His siblings all live close to his mother so we'd normally see them every other week while we're there too. It's nice.

I arrange alot of things with the in laws and speak to them regularly outside of DH.

However, they've always been absolutely lovely and treat me like another daughter/sister/granddaughter etc so it's no effort on my part, it's a pleasure

Lots when they were alive. Two thoroughly decent people, I loved them both.

I should add that the arranging meet ups and all associated admin falls to my other half and so it should be! He also has strong relationships with his family independently of me. This isn’t the 1950s and I find it annoyingly sexist to see families where all comms has to go through the woman. I’d never put up with that kind of immaturity/strategic incompetence and would find it deeply unsexy!

DH deals with them. I don’t have any kind of problem with them (and do things like helping DS to buy their Christmas presents etc), but they are his family and he does all the communication.

Similarly he does absolutely nothing with mine beyond polite conversation at get-togethers, and signing any cards I put in front of him.

Lots of effort made by me- love them to bits, especially needed now they are elderly.

My DIL and SIL make lots of effort with me and DH (in different ways to be fair- DIL phones for a chat/likes a girls lunch, SIL much more likely to come and help DH in the garden etc) but we also make a huge effort with them and treat them as if they are our own - well they are really in a way - not through birth but through putting up with our actual (adored) spawn 😂❤️

It does depend on what effort they put into you?

I used to always make the effort but frankly my MIL is not that interested in my DC and shows blatant favouritism to DS and always bitched about being asked to look after them in the school holidays.

I rarely contact her now kids are adults and if DH doesn’t ring her, I will remind him too, but not really my problem.

As an only child, DH is going to have his work cut out when she gets more needy with age but as she’s never made him feel valued - I think she’s going to get a shock when he doesn’t step up!

I do wish she’d been more interested in the DC (and us) as they have no relationship with her and she’s missed out and we feel no commitment to have to help her

I don't arrange to see them directly, but I will prompt DH to get in touch if it's been a while or there's something coming up. I usually go along with DH & kids when they see them & make polite small talk or keep the kids busy if they're catching up with DH.

I have made a point of never buying any of them gifts, it's DH's job to sort a gift from the whole family. It has meant they often get last minute tat from the 24h supermarket, bit that's on them for raising an inconsiderate son. If I took on that job once, it would be expected every year and I refuse to carry any more of the mental load.

I leave it all to DH. They live abroad and he makes video calls with them to chat with the dcs, and liases with them when we do visits. I'm friendly enough when we see them, but I've never contacted them directly myself. I do worry occasionally if he was in a serious accident that I'd have to work out how to contact them (I probably have their phone number stored somewhere but it'd be buried in an email).