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Original poster

How much effort do you make with in-laws?

108 replies

giraffes2021 · 03/01/2024 18:41

Just out of interest here wondering from a female perspective how much effort do you make with your DP family?
Is it you that would reach out to arrange to see them so they could see DGC ? Or same with their sisters and brothers?
Or do you leave it all to DP?

OP posts:
Surgarblossom · 03/01/2024 21:50

None whatsoever

Octavia64 · 03/01/2024 21:56

I made a massive amount of effort in the beginning and it really felt like I was part of the family as they reciprocated.

Then their daughter had kids and it became really clear where their focus was. Both their sons also have kids but they are not really interested in them, it's all about the daughter's kids.

I'm divorced now but it still makes me sad.

ReTrainTheBrain · 03/01/2024 21:57

Lots. I have my own relationship with them and dh has a good relationship with mine. He'll do things for my mum and my siblings without my input. He's also ordered my mum replacement items when hers have broken down.
Mil lives near us so I'll pop over, take her out for lunch and shopping, invite her over and so on.

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blushroses6 · 03/01/2024 22:03

I initially made a lot of effort with gifts, especially ones from the grandchild on mothers day etc, however I never received so much as a thank you so stopped bothering and now leave it to my partner. In terms of meeting up, again I leave it all to my partner arrange.

PuttingDownRoots · 03/01/2024 22:10

PILs are an essential part of our support network. I see them more often than DH does.

I also get the dubious role of go between his brother and DH... the only reason being that his kids have done nothing wrong so don't deserve to be ostracised. Fortunately they live in Asia...

DH thinks his mother would side with me over him if we had marital difficulties 😂

ChubbyMorticia · 03/01/2024 22:11

Originally, I sent my MIL a Mother’s Day card and grandmother card, a few weeks after we were married. She complained they weren’t good enough, so I never sent another card for anything.

I used to email her pics of the kids. Got criticism in return and even accused of deleting them from her email (I still don’t understand that one) until she found them again. So I quit doing that too.

When nothing is good enough, nothing it shall be.

DelilahBucket · 03/01/2024 22:11

No effort at all. DH's dad and stepmum don't like me, they make that very clear every time I have to endure them. His mum lives in another country, we've not seen her for two and a half years as her husband wouldn't travel here and now he's too poorly to travel/be left. Where they live isn't a family holiday destination.

Sceptre86 · 03/01/2024 22:12

I'm asian so it may be different. I ring my mil once or twice a week and see her once a fortnight. We ask her around to ours regularly, I'd happily host her once a week but she prefers to stay at home and wants us to visit their instead. She's a nice enough grandma, loving when the kids are infront of her but she won't go out of her way for them. If I asked her to have them in an emergency, she would but it would be on her terms so in her house rather than ours. She lives a 10 minute drive away. They care for her but are closer to my parents and they live 4 hours away, my mum makes the effort to speak to the kids regularly via watsapp call.

I have one bil and I leave contact up to my dh. I text him on his birthday etc. I will text my sil when niece or nephew is ill to check how they are but there is too much water under the bridge for us to forge a close relationship. Dh's family are the type that would rather stew quietly than deal with issues heads on. It's very alien to me and I've not got on very well with that.

CandleInAJamJar · 03/01/2024 22:19

When they were alive, a lot.
I moved in with them for four years to look after them when my dad in law had a massive stroke.
I loved them to pieces.

meemawww · 03/01/2024 22:25

My ex in laws I hated and we went NC when my DD was a baby. Never looked back. My current in laws treat me and teenage DD like family and I adore them!

cakewitch · 03/01/2024 22:37

None... and their feeling is mutual regarding me too!

BudgetFoodie · 03/01/2024 22:49

I consider my in-laws to be family and have made an effort to get to know them. We are very different people but we have a good relationship. I will call them up for a chat and often run errands for them. DH has done the same with my family.

2024withapositivestep · 04/01/2024 09:22

BEL88 · 03/01/2024 20:48

I get on well with his parents but still leave it up to him to sort! It's more the mental load side of things so it's not another job for me! We're 50/50 with things and this is just one of the things we've split so he deals with his family and I deal with mine!

Think this is what I'll be doing moving forward to be honest.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 04/01/2024 10:20

Lots, but we’re very close - MIL and I text most days just chatting, and if we so much as casually mention a loose nail in the house FIL appears with a hammer 😅We’re equally close to my parents too though, it hadn’t struck me that this was unusual until I realised how many people moan about their in-laws online.

SpongeBob2022 · 04/01/2024 10:24

DH has a big family so we all tend to congregate at MIL's/FIL's. There's an open invite on a Sunday so sometimes DH takes DS and sometimes I go too or sometimes none of us...it's very relaxed. Don't tend to see them outside of this now that DS is in school as there isn't really time. I wouldn't randomly pop in but DH would.

We have a WhatsApp group with DH/FIL/MIL although don't use a lot as there's not much arranging to do. I'm friends with SILs in their own right so message them a lot.

I think it's fairly normal to have minor frustrations about in laws doing things differently from you. But in real life I don't know anyone who is no contact or even low contract with their in laws or who has experienced the extreme behaviour allegedly described on mumsnet. (I'm definitely not saying it's not true in all cases but DILs can be equally as bad).

Frisate · 04/01/2024 10:51

Leave it to my DH to deal with his parents but have a friendly relationship with his sister.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/01/2024 10:52

The less effort I made, the nicer they seemed to be!

thecatsthecats · 04/01/2024 10:54

I don't, unless I want to particularly forestall a specific form/location of meet up.

I enjoy their company, but we aren't very similar in our tastes/preferences. MIL in particular is a mix of personally lovely to me, but has ruthlessly mostly eliminated FIL's family from the picture. My husband and his brother barely know their cousins on that side. I think she knows that wouldn't fly with me - it was my husband who warned me against the behaviour.

My husband is capable of making arrangements, but doesn't. I only make arrangements when I know there's an occasion coming up and I want to make sure that it's done on our terms before they come up with something and want to stick to the idea.

(For example - they wanted to arrange a party for our first wedding anniversary. Not only did we not want a party, we wouldn't have wanted it on our anniversary itself, and they just wanted to invite his family to their house, which is an hour from us. So we just said no to the party, went abroad for the trip, and invited them to lunch in a pub near ours - just them and grandparents, not the whole lot.)

MRSMTO · 04/01/2024 11:01

I don't need to make an effort, they're lovely people who we see multiple times a week because they're our family!

EndOfMyTether11 · 04/01/2024 11:04

Leave it to my DH,

My MIL is a narcissist and has been very abusive over the years towards me & dc I.e cutting dc out of her life for no real reason for months at a time to the point they thought she had moved away (multiple times now!)
I'll be civil if I see her, but I don't go out of my way to make any effort with her she doesn't deserve it.

DrSeuss · 04/01/2024 11:05

When first married, massive efforts. However, as it became clear that TIL was an entitled, rude, somewhat racist PITA, very little. If TH is too lazy to remember birthdays or shop for Christmas, I really don't care. I have enough to do without running around doing basic tasks for him.

Spirallingdownwards · 04/01/2024 11:06

I am another whose ILs made little to no effort with me or our children. Bought other grandchildren lovely presents and didn't even send a card for our kids birthday. Told we don't really do cards on our family. From that day on I stopped my efforts, didn't send cards. FIL commented about no mother's day card and I said I was told by mil that you don't do cards in your family.

From the day I stopped making the effort and accepted they were not interested in our kids and they would always act differently with their other grandchildren a weight lifted . We are very very LC now and it's great.

mindutopia · 04/01/2024 11:10

Not loads, I will generally reply to MIL if she messages me directly, but I don't involve myself much in the group chat (I don't involve myself much in any group chats, so nothing specific to in-laws). Dh generally does all the sorting of visits, presents, everything.

I only really get involved when it's clear he hasn't clarified something key, like what time we'll be home so she can plan to leave hers to visit us (dh is not a maker of boundaries, so sometimes he'll just tell her to come over on Tuesday morning, but won't ever say, it has to be after 11am because we won't be home, so otherwise she will show up at 9am and none of us will be there, which annoys me, why not just state a time?! So I will do it on an emergency basis, if I must).

I don't dislike MIL or BIL/SIL, they are perfectly okay, but I don't have a desire to engage with them any more than I have to, so I try to keep it to a minimum.

doubleshotcappuccino · 04/01/2024 11:14

Send pics of DCs every week as I know they like to receive, organise presents and meet ups, organise food shops when needed. Lovely to be able to keep in touch they are kind and gentle folk x

Groovee · 04/01/2024 11:16

I have a great relationship with my PILs. Often bump into them as we live locally. They text regularly and FIL has driven me to appointments recently.

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