How much effort do you make with in-laws?

[giraffes2021]

Just out of interest here wondering from a female perspective how much effort do you make with your DP family?
Is it you that would reach out to arrange to see them so they could see DGC ? Or same with their sisters and brothers?
Or do you leave it all to DP?

Lots. I love my in laws. I aspire to become as good a MIL as I have one day!

I leave it up to him completely.
I know my mother used to do all organising, present buying, card sending etc for my father so I am probably a bit of a rubbish wife in that department.
I don't actually like them though.

Feck all - they're too busy with their other grandchildren. For over 20yrs. DHs issue, am all out.

I do hope that if I get children in law in the future that they speak of me this warmly. I'd love to have had a more positive in law experience and am keen to foster that as and when I am the dreaded mother in law!

I love my SIL and see her quite often, independently of DH.

Keeping in touch with his parents is DH's job; and tbh he's a bit crap at it. I'll occasionally give him a nudge and mention it's been a while since he called them, and when we visit them it's usually all together, and probably not often enough.

Feeling a bit frustrated as getting a lot of pressure from MIL to go and stay with them, and I get the impression she thinks I'm the sticking point - I'm not, it's DH! I don't mind going - it wouldn't be top of my list of fun things to do, but it's just something you do for family as far as I'm concerned. But DH doesn't want to "waste" his annual leave on a visit to his mother, so we're not going.

I hope our DC are kinder to their DPs when they're adults!

My FIL was widowed 5 years ago . He lives about a 5 minute walk away , he comes round for tea about every fortnight and we see him most weekends , we invite him out for walks and days out . We would love him to meet someone but he doesn't seem to have a social life apart from us .

Lots as they are my family and treat me as such.

In fact I was in hospital over Christmas and they brought me in clothes, food, organised for cleaners to sort out our house so it was nice for Christmas while DH was managing the kids. My MIL filled my fridge with food and made me my favourite cake when I came out.

They provide childcare and step in when the kids are ill as well as having them overnight so we can have a night out.

It is a loving relationship on both sides and I will often go shopping with my MIL and organise days out with them, the kids and me if DH is working

My DH is probably not as close to my family but makes an effort with them and will go around on his own with the kids if I need a day to myself.

My parents are equally as wonderful to us as our in laws.

We are fortunate and I count my blessings everytime I read a horrible PIL thread.

Non, I encouraged OH to reconnect with his family and we saw them for a while but it was always us making the effort

Fortunately they live 280 miles away so easy to avoid

I’m very nice and polite to them when I see them but I leave it to dh

mil got in a habit of ringing me to check did she get home safely and I nipped that in the bud years ago as I found it a bit odd. Attention seeking in a quiet way (she likes to need the doctor urgently for silly things)

so to be polite I leave it to do rather than sticking my nose in - they are all about themselves and I have enough to be doing

did he

I reach out and see them without my DH - they're family. I think it's mostly because I'm a teacher though so we spend time with them in the school holidays when DH is at work (they're retired).

Lots although I don't see it as effort, and DH does just as much. I met his parents and siblings before I knew him so he's the johnny-come-lately of the group. (We've been together 22 years).

I get on with all of them independently of DH and have stayed with all of them on my own at different times.

When my dc were growing up, I made all the effort and plans to see my IL’s. Over the last few years, my DH makes arrangements to see them, I go too as we do get on well and we always travel to them, they never visit us, for context, they’re elderly and don’t drive long distances anymore. We live over 200 miles away so the only time they’ve spent any time with us over the last three years is if my SIL visits and brings them, the IL’s stay and we take them home

Mil is lovely, as was DFIL before he died. She calls SH mostly every other night or similar but will message me if it pertains to seeing the kids during my time (when DH is at work) and either of us of it's weekends. We've been to the theatre etc alone together, she talks to me allot because I think I look like I'm listening now then DH does. Basically she's my family too now so I treat her respectfully and she returns the sentiment

DH sorts nearly everything out with his family. I occasionally reply to a WhatsApp message and I sort out gifts for his nephew.

Used to make lots of effort. Really wanted that bigger family and nice relationships. Now I’m making no effort whatsoever after 5yrs with DC it couldn’t be more obvious they don’t care. The effort has all been one sided. I’ve had a bad injury recently and they haven’t even asked how I am in emails to myself and DH to tell us they can’t come and do their quarterly visit as they’ve been invited to a party. So nope nothing going forward- and it will kill me to do it as I seem to have low self esteem and desperate not be disliked! Sad also reading some of the PP as this is what I’d have liked to have had.

This is my view on it too. I sometimes feel guilty for not doing more but when you put it like that it’s 100% true. We do lots with my family because they ask us to do things. My in-laws have never asked to do anything with us or their grandchildren. They have never offered help with anything (even when our babies were born), have never asked to babysit, have never asked us to meet them anywhere or go for a meal etc, anytime they make an ‘effort’ it’s to come and sit in our living room once every 2 months or so to tick the box of ‘seen the grandkids’ ✅ I’ve now reached the stage where I just accept it, it’s them who’s missing out, not me

No effort at all.

I tried very hard in the beginning. Now I leave it and it is honestly blissful.

Lots. I love my PILs, especially my MIL, to bits. It makes me very sad that they’re in the later stages of their lives so want to spend as much time as possible with them.

I make an effort with my DIL too. She’s a wonderful young woman, makes my son very happy and has never caused us a problem. She gave birth to our first grandchild last week. I made a conscious effort when she was pregnant to ask her how she was, not to ask DS2 how she was, and didn’t give advice unless it was asked for. She asked us to go to visit them when the baby was 4days old, we stayed in a hotel, because she wanted us to meet him before their friends.

As far as I’m concerned my in-laws are as much my family as my own family.

I have a lovely relationship with in laws so I’ve always made arrangements myself, especially when DH was working away. MIL now lives with us so not so much arranging to be done.

I’m lucky though. MIL is like the Mum I never had and OMIL (DH was widowed when I met him and his mil is a very big part of our family) is a wonderful woman. I’m going to a spa weekend with them and SIL next weekend as a birthday treat.

I used to do all the arranging between my girls and my ex in laws as my ex was hopeless. They are wonderful grandparents and approached me when their son abandoned us and asked if they could still have a relationship with the girls.

I had shitty abusive and neglectful parents, but I’ve been very lucky in life with my Grandparents and my in laws

None sadly. I've posted about them before but basically for many years I made a real effort with them and tried to include them in family events. They managed to ruin most of them by drinking too much and causing issues.

Finally went LC when they said some horrible, judgemental and untrue things about me and my lovely family (who had always been very warm/welcoming to them and treated my DH like another son) DH does all the communicating with them and presents etc. As they live abroad he goes to see them a few times a year, sometimes with DC but usually on his own as they're ok with DC but not overly warm and a bit negative about lots of things/other people etc. I find it really sad but I did my best for a long time and had to back off for my own mental health. I'm a bit envious of those who say they are treated like another daughter as I would have loved a relationship like that and really tried very hard for a long time.

I used to make an effort but I soon discovered you ‘ reap what you sow’ they don’t make an effort with my children but do with my SILs children so now I don’t bother, Christmas and Easter I make an effort but they forgot my eldest sons birthday last year and they only live in the next town!

I have the best in laws ever, I consider them a second set of parents - MIL and I WhatsApp a lot, general chit chat and she normally, although not always, makes plans with me for the both of us because DH would only have to ask me if we were busy.

There are certain things that I will leave to DH, such as when they offered us money for our wedding and we had to follow up if that was still happening.

I have gone round for coffee with them on my own before but they live in the same town as us.

We’re very lucky - DH not as close to my parents but he will remember to text them happy birthday etc.

I have a polite relationship with my in-laws but there is no love there and I leave arrangements to my husband.

It’s not the relationship I had hoped for but it is what it is. My husband makes a lot of effort with my family so I try with his, for him.

Leave it all to DH. They’re ok but I wouldn’t choose to spend time with them if they weren’t his family.