Random 'friend' asking to join an activity - WWYD?

[Emmaheather]

I have a WhatsApp group with a large group of friends, mostly living in my local area, a couple have moved away. I didn't set the group up but am one of the more active contributors. It's our usual way to communicate e.g. about a walk or get together. I know some on the group really well and some are more friends of friends but (almost) all are lovely and I enjoy their company. There's one person on the group I find very unfriendly, pretty stuck-up, we've never had anything in common and I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me very much. I never see her and tbh had forgotten she was on the group as she rarely contributes to chats and doesn't come to any social activities. I think she is friendly with one or two on the group but she never comes to group events. She was also really rude to a good friend of mine (not on this WhatsApp group) when they worked together a few years ago.

i'm planning to do a particular activity for a challenge in advance of a big birthday and it'll involve a few day/evening trips. I asked if anyone on the WhatsApp group wanted to join and I'd set up a separate group for planning etc. several people are interested and I was really looking forward to making some plans. To my shock this person has said they'd like to join 😳. I was quite happy for people I don't know well to join in, and for friends of friends to come along, but not very keen on the idea of someone who I really don't get along with/doesn't like me joining in. I think she has asked to join as one or two others she does like are planning to come.

WWYD?

• Join her to the WhatsApp group and suck it up /hope she doesn't come not say anything?
• 'Forget' to add her to the group (but others might notice?)
• Message her separately but no idea what I'd say

Any other ideas???

Well I would suggest she does like you given she has asked to join your activity and that you don’t know her well enough to make a judgement so why don’t you give her a chance? Perhaps she’s shy or very busy rather than stuck up. Appreciate your other friend felt she was rude a few years back but that’s only your other friends perspective and you weren’t there presumably so I would really give her a chance - what’s the worse that can happen? You either come away with the same opinion or find you like her.

The first option. Keep an open mind - you might end up liking her!

The other two options aren't really feasible, unless you want to be mean.

So you think she's stuck up and doesn't like you but you've never actually seen her? I guess it depends how many other people are going. If it's just you and her then it might be an issue. If there's quite a few people it's probably fine. If she didn't like you why would she go?

I don’t understand. You’ve put it on the group chat as an invite to all and now she’s said she’s interested you want to exclude her?
if you only wanted certain people you should have just contacted them directly and asked if they were interested

I would let her join otherwise it all seems like something teenagers would do apart from anything

Our paths crossed more 10+ years ago which is when I found her unfriendly and I am aware there are others that find her rude/cold. I'm sure she's got her own stuff going on but she puts a pretty superior front on.

But I agree, what's the worst that can happen and I should be a grown up about the situation. That was fairly easily decided. Thanks!

Well she obviously does kike you or she wouldn't want to come? Maybe all of this is your perception? I would be fine with her coming. You might get to know her better and discover she's really nice. She might just be shy so come across as stuck up.

Add her to the group. If you see more of her she may grow on you

Or she may be neuro diverse, or shy, or tired, or anxious ...

I knew someone at work who I, and many others, thought was a cow. Another person told me to give her a chance, I asked for some advice, turned out she was cripplingly socially anxious. And a lovely person. And incredibly loyal to people who crack her.

Try it with an open mind. Keep your boundaries.

Maybe. But happily chatting to a couple of people and then blank/ignore others (including my friend who worked with her) is difficult to understand and upsetting when you are the one being blanked.

I take people as I find them, I left 'you can't be friends with that person as 5 years ago they stole my pencil' type things in childhood

If they are rude to you then sure if not be mature

Have you ever thought that the "superior front" may be lack of confidence or something similar?

10 years is a long time. I'm certainly not the same person I was in my early 20s. I would give her a chance. Sounds like you are going to anyway

You shouldn't really have posted to a group if you didn't want certain members to join - next time set up a separate group with just the people you want. Hopefully the group will be big enough for it not to be a problem - you can't exclude her now in any polite way.

It’s not as if you will be on your own with her, she will be ‘buffered’ by others who know her better.

Focus on meeting the challenge, and remember this is your thing and the challenge is the goal so if any diversionary shenanigans starts use that as your guide and framework.

Everyone always used to think I was a total bitch and I never understood why. Turns out I have autism and whenever I would compliment a friend they thought I was being sarcastic!

Ooh difficult one! I'd forget to add her to the separate chat. Or private message her saying, " I'm sorry, I didn't mean to send the invite on the group chat, I'm only inviting close friends."

I don't know, the way I see it you asked the group... I think you're kind of stuck right now. It's too late to take it back or pretend to forget to include her. That would be mean.

Stop being bitchy - you asked if anyone wanted to join and she said yes. Add her and grow up.

Harsh! I would only do that if I really really didn't like her!

You put an invite on a group chat, which means everyone on that chat is welcome to attend, including this individual. If that isn't the case, tough you should have put the effort into individually inviting the people from the group you wanted.

It's quite possible that she is shy or otherwise socially awkward. Some people just don't have the knack of small talk and generally getting on with others but really have the need for social contact . She is obviously reaching out so let her join your group and treat her with a more open mind .

What you see as a superior air or coldness may just be reserve or shyness. She might actually be a very nice person when you get to know her. You need to give her a chance.

This sounds awful, you messaged the group but didn't check who you were messaging? It all sounds very high school, you should know better. Don't put it on her or pretend to forget to add her. Just tell her you sent it to the group by mistake. Pay attention next time.