Random 'friend' asking to join an activity - WWYD?

[Emmaheather]

I have a WhatsApp group with a large group of friends, mostly living in my local area, a couple have moved away. I didn't set the group up but am one of the more active contributors. It's our usual way to communicate e.g. about a walk or get together. I know some on the group really well and some are more friends of friends but (almost) all are lovely and I enjoy their company. There's one person on the group I find very unfriendly, pretty stuck-up, we've never had anything in common and I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me very much. I never see her and tbh had forgotten she was on the group as she rarely contributes to chats and doesn't come to any social activities. I think she is friendly with one or two on the group but she never comes to group events. She was also really rude to a good friend of mine (not on this WhatsApp group) when they worked together a few years ago.

i'm planning to do a particular activity for a challenge in advance of a big birthday and it'll involve a few day/evening trips. I asked if anyone on the WhatsApp group wanted to join and I'd set up a separate group for planning etc. several people are interested and I was really looking forward to making some plans. To my shock this person has said they'd like to join 😳. I was quite happy for people I don't know well to join in, and for friends of friends to come along, but not very keen on the idea of someone who I really don't get along with/doesn't like me joining in. I think she has asked to join as one or two others she does like are planning to come.

WWYD?

• Join her to the WhatsApp group and suck it up /hope she doesn't come not say anything?
• 'Forget' to add her to the group (but others might notice?)
• Message her separately but no idea what I'd say

Any other ideas???

This really does sound like she’s shy, under-confident or possibly neurodiverse and was talking to the two people she has had previous contact with and has built up confidence interacting with. My daughter is autistic, she is very intelligent, articulate and beautiful (imo) but due to her social communication difficulties, she can come across as acting cold, ‘stuck-up’, or acting superior to those she does not know. She will literally blank people she recognises from somewhere but hasn’t developed a friendship with slowly over time. We have just pursued official diagnosis for her so that she had support whilst at university. She is the sweetest, kindest, witty and fun to be around kid BUT finds it so hard to do that initial, social niceties, getting to know people stuff. Give this woman a chance- she might just be a real gem and end up being a life-long loyal friend.

Maybe she doesn't dislike you but is not very good in company. I think I might come across as unsociable, but that is because I feel uncomfortable in large groups and am never sure what to talk about. Other people may be more naturally gregarious but that doesn't necessarily make them more genuine or kind.

Would it really matter that much if she came? There will be other people there that you feel more comfortable with. It would be the kinder thing to do.

I've misjudged people in the past so I say give her a chance. Sure others will join and if it doesn't work out with her you don't need to do it again. Some people pit on an act and it's only when you get to know them you realise it's just that. Unfortunately if she really is that shallow then at least you gave her an opportunity 😕

Random friend could have been me, 10+ years ago. I was a grumpy up my own ah twerp.
Hopefully now I've recognised some of my failings I'm a better person.

Maybe give her a chance to show you get best side. She might just be a nice person who was having a tough time.

I agree with a pp, make chatting part of your unofficial group rules. She can't just join and lurk! Had to contribute something to the event chat. (Even if just "yes fine by me")

I think you did the right thing by including her. If others are going then it will dilute the amount of contact you have with her.
Out of curiosity, how many people are in the original group? If there are loads and she doesn't know many of them well then maybe that is why she stays quiet about birthdays etc?
Why is she joining in now? Mmmm. Maybe it's her new years resolution to be more involved in things or perhaps she enjoys that activity.
Either way you did the right thing. Fingers crossed you see a new side to each other.

Thanks for all the responses. I quite quickly decided to include her and want to be inclusive and kind.

I am introvert/reserved and definitely take time to warm up/develop friendships. I am aware people (including myself) can come across differently from how they intend to. I also have some awareness of the impact of neurodiversity and think I am sensitive to this. I still think this person is rude (I expect pretty self-absorbed and don't think ND), but I will put this to one side and she's on the group. Unsurprisingly, not contributed yet!

@Moomoo75 15 on the original group, everyone does know eachother (but some not well). About half are on the group for the activity. I am curious as to why she's joining and, maybe yes, wanting to do things differently going forwards.
I expect if she does come, it'll only be when a couple of others she knows better are there so that'll be fine. I'll postpone if it looks like it'll just be me and her.

One of my closest friends introduced me to two of her other friends and they thought I was a total bitch when we first met (as they’ve freely admitted since ), I’m actually just really shy and anxious when I meet new people so I tend to say very little. I’ve also been stung in the past when I’ve been dropped pretty callously by friends so I’m quite cautious/choosy about the friends I make now. They couldn’t understand how the ‘me’ my friend had told them about was worlds apart from the ‘me’ they met the first time. They gave me a chance, though, and we are all now very close.

TL;DR - give her a chance, you might actually really like her!

A lot of people who are Neuro divergent may appear like this to neurotypicals. Not saying she is but you don't know her really do you? I suppose the choice is to keep an open mind or sit in judgement. What were you saying about superiority?