Random 'friend' asking to join an activity - WWYD?

[Emmaheather]

I have a WhatsApp group with a large group of friends, mostly living in my local area, a couple have moved away. I didn't set the group up but am one of the more active contributors. It's our usual way to communicate e.g. about a walk or get together. I know some on the group really well and some are more friends of friends but (almost) all are lovely and I enjoy their company. There's one person on the group I find very unfriendly, pretty stuck-up, we've never had anything in common and I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me very much. I never see her and tbh had forgotten she was on the group as she rarely contributes to chats and doesn't come to any social activities. I think she is friendly with one or two on the group but she never comes to group events. She was also really rude to a good friend of mine (not on this WhatsApp group) when they worked together a few years ago.

i'm planning to do a particular activity for a challenge in advance of a big birthday and it'll involve a few day/evening trips. I asked if anyone on the WhatsApp group wanted to join and I'd set up a separate group for planning etc. several people are interested and I was really looking forward to making some plans. To my shock this person has said they'd like to join 😳. I was quite happy for people I don't know well to join in, and for friends of friends to come along, but not very keen on the idea of someone who I really don't get along with/doesn't like me joining in. I think she has asked to join as one or two others she does like are planning to come.

WWYD?

• Join her to the WhatsApp group and suck it up /hope she doesn't come not say anything?
• 'Forget' to add her to the group (but others might notice?)
• Message her separately but no idea what I'd say

Any other ideas???

I think you're being really bitchy and mean. Add her to the group and be polite.

I didn’t get that from the OP. She messaged the main group to ask who was interested, and that she’d make a splinter chat just for the activity.

I don’t see what’s wrong with that.

This is awful, high school bully stuff.

One of my closest friends I didn’t like when first met. Infact I’d go as far as to say we both mutually detested each other but same friendship group so it was awkward. One group night out we ended up getting stranded from everyone else and got a taxi back to our village together! We actually bonded and both say now how crazy it is we misjudged each other and she was actually the first person I told when pregnant. Sometimes these forced situations end up making great friendships! Hope you have a great time regardless x

You're coming across really horrible in this post.

You could be describing me. I'm socially awkward, get really nervous when with people I don't know. I sometimes come across as cold or rude, but I'm actually a really warm, loving person when you get to know me. I have a small handful of close friends who I've had for decades. I get really nervous and awkward meeting new people and it can take quite a few meetings before feeling comfortable.

This woman could totally be the same as me, and when I meet bitchy people like you, it really makes me feel like shit.

I had mental health problems for a few years and one symptom was id steer clear of social events. When i eventually found the courage to try joining in id have been devastated to be knocked back ( which thankfully i wasn't)

let her come OP it might mean the world to her

You sick it up.
By dint of the communal ask, you asked her if she wanted to do it.

You wouldn't go out as a group of friends and say "who wants to go and get pizza" and when she says yes say oh yeah, you're here, no you, fuck off.

This is just nasty.

What everyone said or she might be horrible and thinks this might be a good way to get a bit of a social life going.

You're the one who met her so your instincts about her may very well be correct.

You won't know for sure though unless you meet up with her again. It's also fine if you don't want to involve her.

It's not remotely bullying to not want to invite a person you don't know who is rude to you to your birthday outing!

@GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife the OP messaged the group which included this individual, and is surprised she answered because OP didn't check who's in the group.

But OP has already invited her.

I'd "forget" to add her tbh, thought that before I saw it was one of your options.

Then don't invite her. The issue is inviting her as part of a group question and then when she says yes, leaving her out because you don't like her. I dunno if it's bullying, but it's shitty, childish behaviour

Again, this is just nasty.

Thanks for some helpful replies. I have added her to the group for the event and will hope for the best. I was very surprised she replied to the message. She had been dormant in the group for years, not come to any social event organised on this group chat for at least 5 years, not even responding to invitations to decline them.

Out of interest, can people ever be considered to be rude?

What a passive aggressive question 🙄

Just delete her and get on with your event ......🫣

Out of interest, can people ever be considered to be rude?

If you'd said "Can someone get X to private message me?" Or "I would like contact details for X & Y" and someone muscled in with "whatever you want to say you can say it to everyone" that would be rude, but to come to an event that you have chosen to put a general invite on the group for, is not rude!

It is not a birthday outing - it is a 'challenge' ahead of a big birthday.

No, it's a genuine question. I find it rude when someone ignores/blanks some people in a group social situation and I had assumed others would also view this as rude. I am interested in understanding the perspective of those who think differently.

I don't think it's rude to only respond to relevant questions in a group chat.

It's nice that so many people are willing to see the good in others but there are plenty of mean and horrible people around.
Not saying this woman is, but personally, if someone had been unpleasant to me and rude to a close friend, I wouldn't bother with them.

Why don't you meet up with her socially. Be honest and say you were surprised she wanted to join you all, but equally pleased (flattery) and then casually ask if she fancies a drink next week? You can suss her out then.

I would not find it rude, there may be reasons, shy, introverted, social anxiety, post-natal depression, hard of hearing, distracted.

I've been called rude before due to 'ignoring' someone talking to me. I genuinely hadn't heard them talking to me (I struggle with my hearing when there is background noise), yet that person then decided to bad mouth me to everyone she knew over a completely innocent thing, despite me explaining that I hadn't heard her.

You haven’t described anything awful she’s done though- supposedly chatting to someone and then blanking someone else- it’s just so non specific and easily could have been unintentional or completely misconstrued. The fact it entered your head to set up a group up and ‘accidentally’ miss her off after she said she was keen is horrible though! Glad you’re not going to do that. Maybe just give her a chance?