Random 'friend' asking to join an activity - WWYD?

[Emmaheather]

I have a WhatsApp group with a large group of friends, mostly living in my local area, a couple have moved away. I didn't set the group up but am one of the more active contributors. It's our usual way to communicate e.g. about a walk or get together. I know some on the group really well and some are more friends of friends but (almost) all are lovely and I enjoy their company. There's one person on the group I find very unfriendly, pretty stuck-up, we've never had anything in common and I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me very much. I never see her and tbh had forgotten she was on the group as she rarely contributes to chats and doesn't come to any social activities. I think she is friendly with one or two on the group but she never comes to group events. She was also really rude to a good friend of mine (not on this WhatsApp group) when they worked together a few years ago.

i'm planning to do a particular activity for a challenge in advance of a big birthday and it'll involve a few day/evening trips. I asked if anyone on the WhatsApp group wanted to join and I'd set up a separate group for planning etc. several people are interested and I was really looking forward to making some plans. To my shock this person has said they'd like to join 😳. I was quite happy for people I don't know well to join in, and for friends of friends to come along, but not very keen on the idea of someone who I really don't get along with/doesn't like me joining in. I think she has asked to join as one or two others she does like are planning to come.

WWYD?

• Join her to the WhatsApp group and suck it up /hope she doesn't come not say anything?
• 'Forget' to add her to the group (but others might notice?)
• Message her separately but no idea what I'd say

Any other ideas???

Re: can people ever be considered rude?
Of course they can. Many are. Some are utterly rude and insufferable, some are slightly impolite/stuck up. But it doesn't mean we don't need to deal with them.

You're organising a group activity that's open for everyone so you can't really gate-keep for only nice and fun people allowed. Some just have appalling emotional intelligence/social skills and maybe your group can help them grow.

However, if this person continues to be properly rude (like, talking back/saying rude things) I'd raise it with her diplomatically. If she only blanks out in group chats/doesn't respond, that doesn't even make her rude these days, it's just relatively normal busy person behaviour unfortunately.

@RoseGoldEagle I am going to give her a chance and she's on the WhatsApp group. At in person group gatherings (admittedly a few years ago) she has ignored/blanked some people (including me) and happily chatted to others. The current WhatsApp group is also used to wish people happy birthday or congratulations. She never takes the time to do this. I find both these things unfriendly and quite rude. I feel uncomfortable about her being a silent presence on the new group I have set up. But i will live with that.

I don't think it's horrible that it crossed my mind not to include her in the group. I think it's understandable given the circumstances. I also think we can't control what goes through our mind - we can only choose what thoughts we follow and our actions. I don't think it's helpful to judge myself or anyone else for the thoughts that might fleeting pass through their mind but I do make judgements based on people's actions/behaviours.

Out of interest, can people ever be considered to be rude?

Well, I would consider someone to be rude if they put out a group invitation and then tried to leave out someone who had accepted that invitation. It would, to me, show a lack of manners that I wouldn't find appealing.

@Shodan I haven't left her out

@Emmaheather No I know that. Good manners prevailed, thank goodness! But you asked the question, so I answered. But it would have been rude, if you had left her out. Then you would have been the rude one, even though your reasons for not wanting her to join may be valid.

Those are both horrible things to do.

How horrid of you.

Well done for being the bigger person.

I hope she drops out of the activity 😁

You invited everyone in the group. Someone in the group (the person you dislike) accepted your invitation.
Where is the confusion?

Oh please let her come…and be kind to her.

I , apparently , come across as scary and unapproachable. I did overhear someone saying “ she’s nice when you get to know her”.
i have a naturally cross face …even though I try not to…and am shy .
people only have to show me some kindness for my front to drop.

She is possibly the same.

I'm totally the same!

What you are planning on doing OP is very mean girl ish. How would you feel to be actively excluded?

Honestly? I think you need to grow up, you sound so petty.

So she was happily engrossed in conversations with others, so engrossed she didn't get around to talking to some people she didn't know, and a few years ago at that, HANG HER!!

She doesn't wish Happy Birthday or Congratulations to lots of random people on a large WhatsApp group, most of whom she barely knows. Newsflash OP, some people have lives and don't have time for this random crap. I don't always get birthday messages from my good friends, do I think they're rude? No. I think they are busy and they forgot the date. So what? Life is busy. You are absolutely ridiculous.

Sometimes Neurodivergence or shyness can come across as rudeness. Give them a chance!

@Emmaheather I don't think you're horrible. I don't like being around people who blank me. But well done for including her.

Hopefully she's a bit friendlier this time!

Give her a chance! It doesn’t sound like you know her that well , and nothing about her background. It might have taken a lot for her to summon up the courage and ask to join. I would love to learn in a few months that she is your BFF! Or at least update and tell us how hideous she really was 🤭

Me too, has taken a very long time (50’s) to work it out but it still happens unfortunately.

"Sorry but I don't know you and I'm only inviting good friends."

Neuro diverse… 🤣🤣🤣

I think this new group is ‘your’ group so you can jolly people along a bit. And make up a few rules en route.

’Mary, are you in or out? Need a yay or nay by tomorrow.’

Well that’s true; but unfortunately the op has already invited her by putting a message on the group chat.
It would be unkind to turn around now and say oh no you are not invited.

Exactly this

I could easily be the person you are talking about (although I am defo not as I haven't been invited to anything on a group chat!).

I am really shy and awkward at some events but wierdly my shyness comes out as being really chatty. I talk rubbish and then get really anxious about what I said afterwards.

In a social situation I will look like I'm being totally relaxed with the one or two people
I feel vaguely comfortable with but get a bit afraid to talk to new people.

I think the whole thing comes across as me being rude and offish to the new people, but it really isn't

10 years ago is a long time and also, you shouldn't really judge people on the basis that they were once rude to a friend. I've always formed my own opinion of people, even when others have slagged them from hill to barn! I'd say give her a chance OP, you may see another side to her and get on like a house on fire. And if you don't, then at least you'll know from your own experience of her. Whatever you choose, I hope you enjoy your plans 💐

If you “forget” to add her to the group you are doing exactly what you are accusing her of, blanking people. This might seem
somewhat hypocritical. Perhaps you’ve totally misread her and you’ll end up great friends. In the spirit of the new year, clean slate and all that I’d give her a chance to redeem herself.