I didn't expect it to hurt this much

[Redtartanlass]

Took my dog to the vet today to get put to sleep.

I knew he was ready about 2 weeks ago, wanted him to have one last happy Christmas with me and the kids.

I knew I'd be upset, knew we'd all be upset but my god! The pain!!! My heart is breaking.

God forgive me but I used to think that people who overly grieved about a pet had never experienced death before, so maybe that's why they were so emotional.

But this pain, is overwhelming. I've lost my dad this year, an aunt an uncle and 2 very close friends, and I feel worse for my pooch's death than I do for theirs.

My dad had Alzheimer's, so although obviously I was distressed when he died it was a blessing for all of us. He wouldn't have wanted to live how he was.

When my mum died when I was in my 20's it felt like I was physically punched in the stomach. The pain was horrendous.

I have lost many people since then, and thought I was less affected by death.

But losing my companion of 16 years has thrown me. I worked from home most of his life and he was my Velcro dog, he was always stuck to my side.

Even if I went to the shops he'd have to come in the car with me. He slept on my bed (I know, I know a huge mumnset no no!!) he was with me constantly. I couldn't even go to the toilet without him sitting dolefully behind the door.

He saw me thought my breakup, he was there when I cried into his fur when there was no one else. He's been my plus one for the 6 years I've been single. :)

He was my shadow and I don't think I realised how much I loved him.

I feel embarrassed about feeling so upset. It's only been 5 hours. But I keep thinking I hear outside my bedroom door, almost jumping out of bed to let him in.

He died peacefully in my arms surrounded by the kids. It was so peaceful and I know it was the right thing for him.

I feel guilty for being annoyed when he tripped me up as he was always at my feet. Feel guilty for shouting at him when he raided a bin.

He was the only one left in the world who loved me unconditionally. And he's gone.

I've always been sympathetic to friends who've lost a dog, but now have a better understanding on how much it really does hurt.

I don't really know why I'm posting. Maybe to hear other stories of people who've lost their pets and how they've managed to get through it.

I know I'm being a bit selfish too, as I'm not really supporting my kids, youngest is 19. But Ive supported them thought the deaths of their 4 grandparents and other friends and relatives but just can't seem to help them. Maybe because they're older, comforting a sad 7 year old over the death of a grandparent seemed to be much easier than comforting them over the death of my best friend.

Thanks for reading this far.

So so sorry . It's so bloody hard . At my age I've lost a good few dogs and it never gets easier . Part of loving them is loosing them as they say .

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a dog is like losing one of your human family. A companion and friend. There when the chips are down to comfort and never judge. I feel your hurt.

It will be one year in March when we lost of our dog suddenly. He got out of the garden and was run over by a passing car. He was only 8 and had many more years ahead of him. The pain has subsided but I still miss him every day and think of him often - now with a smile rather than a tear.

Allow yourself to grieve and remember him. 💐

I am so very sorry OP. I lost my "heart dog" (internet term for dog you connect with like none other) in 2018. She was old and had kidney failure. She was at the vets for a few days having tests and then they rang me to say she had suddenly deteriorated, was near the end, and there was nothing more they could do. I rushed down there as quick as I could, they gave me to her in a private room and she died in my arms while I reassured her softly and told her how much I loved her. It was like she waited to go until I was there.

I felt utterly devastated and like you, I was more upset by the loss of her than my own father (we had a difficult relationship and he also had dementia so it was a relief). The loss hit me like a freight train. Coming home and she wasn't there, all her toys make me sob, it just felt like the house was so empty without her. I felt completely bereft for quite a few months but it does get better with time. I had her ashes made into a gold cross and I wear it daily as it feels like she's close to me.

I now have an another dog whom I adore- I went for a different breed as it felt too painful to have a constant reminder of her. It took me a long time to feel ready to have another dog as I felt like I was betraying her (silly, I know) but it has been immensely healing and her personality is very different which I actually love as it emphasises their difference and her uniqueness. I feel like they would have been great pals if they had known each other. I will never forget my beautiful girl. Big hugs to you x

My grandparents dog dropped dead the day before my nans funeral,they had been married 65 years but because my nan had been hospitalised for 18 months before passing,my grandfather admitted he grieved the dog more.
I'm sorry for your loss and it's completely natural.

Oh you wonderful people. I've read all your posts again. So so comforting. Your poems, your good wishes, your unmumsnetty internet hugs.

Thank you all.

I actually had a good deep sleep. Probably as I've not slept the last few days as I had booked the vet 4 days before. I had to phone vet when he was out the room, in case he heard me!!!

He's a dog and completely deaf, but couldn't bare the thought of him watching me as I booked in his death.

It was very weird having my huge super king size bed to myself. Normally, especially on a wet filthy night like last night, I would have pooch and the 2 cats on the bed and I'd be scrunched in the corner.

But when I did my last check of the night, which I did alone, no pater of big heavy paws beside me, I noticed one cat sitting right outside my daughters door. Squashed right against it. So I opened the door, she ran in and jumped straight on daughter's bed.

The other cat was in my middle son's room. Like a PP he's a big burly military chap and I checked he was ok, he told me to give the cat in his room some love as she was ddogs favourite and she must be missing him!

So yeah, thanks cats, making sure my kids are ok but abandoning me!! Although I have mumsnet ;)

It's weird I'm still in bed. Haven't had to get up and let pooch out about 6 times during the night. Or get up to feed him.

I know I won't go downstairs and have to spend an hour vacuuming my carpets. I did buy dog nappies but never opened them.

I feel so much better today. Having a good sleep and having you all here protecting me with internet cuddles has helped.

And I'm loving hearing about your pets too. We are so lucky to have these wonderful beings in our life.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I like others on this thread have wept for you. It is such a painful one.

My boy is nearly 16, blind and now losing his appetite/sleeps all day. I fear the end is near and its so hard to steel myself. They are such little innocents and you feel seen and accepted in the eyes of your pet. They are so entangled in the quiet moments of our lives that it is just not the same as the loss of a human. Few humans have a similar role.

I hope you find some peace in the wonderful life you gave your friend. He loved you and your family, and you did right by him by making the toughest decision

So sorry. you wrote a lovely, moving post. Your dog and your time together sound wonderful.

I’m glad you slept OP.

Your dog was so lucky to have you, and I have no doubt they had the best life with you. Even at the end, you did the kindest thing for your best friend x

Oh my goodness. I’ve just wept through this thread and apologised in my mind to anyone who I know who has lost a pet and I didn’t understand the level of their grief. Not sure if it’s relevant but I was particularly struck by you saying he saw you through a breakup and has been your plus one. Is it on your mind that you must now manage alone? if so, please be reassured that you sound together and strong and able to go on now on your own without ddog by your side.

Oh OP I am so so sorry for your all of your losses. A dog loss is genuinely horrendous; We've lost family pets that were my mum and dad's, but this year DH and I went in with our gorgeous girl - we met her at 6 weeks old and she came home with us at 10 weeks. We already had an older girl and 2 years later we got a boy, both still with us, and they were a little gang.

I won't bore you with the details but she had a successful MCT removal, was AMAZING for 2 weeks - like a little puppy again, and then the following 6 weeks were hell. We said goodbye to our beautiful girl after 10.5 years on 26th June (the vets had a jar in the room that said no dog should go to heaven without tasting chocolate first, so she had some Maltesers and buttons) and I've cried every day since.

It's utterly awful and there is such a massive hole and tbh I can't see how this going to feel better, but I've been assured it will. Take your time in your grief - you loved him for all of his life and you'll miss him for the rest of yours, but just know the time he had with you he would've been on cloud 9. Sending you lots and lots of love x

(the vets had a jar in the room that said no dog should go to heaven without tasting chocolate first, so she had some Maltesers and buttons)

I love this. Sorry for your loss too. Our vets lights a candle in reception every time a pet passes and puts "In memory of X". I always thought that was really lovely and kind

My dog has been gone for 25 years. It hurt so much I said I'd never have one again. My childhood pet. I saved up for her. I still miss her terribly

@Threelittlemaids my BFF lost her dog last year and I really didn't understand how much she was hurting. And I too have been silently saying sorry to her. She's been a rock, bless her.

And yes I do feel a bit scared about now being "alone" how insightful of you. Who else will listen to me moaning about my job or how shit my life is :)

I feel I have no one in my corner. Of course I have friends and my kids. But he was my plus one, he had my back and loved me no matter what.

I'm loving some of the vets ideas such as the candle at reception or the jar of chocolate.

Maybe when I'm feeling a bit better I may email the vet and ask if I can leave a jar in memory of my pooch. They had a lovely private waiting area so you didn't have to go through the main reception. I'd love to leave a jar of chocolate there for other families, and maybe some catnip.

I went downstairs earlier to make a coffee and saw the dog bowls, and looked at the stairs expecting to see a hopeful face peeking down wondering if there was a chance of being fed!

Thanks again ya vipers. You can't possibly know how much thread has helped this randomer!

Hello OP, I had to create an account just so I could reply.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of your loss, it's so unbelievably painful to have to say goodbye to our faithful little friends, who have been through so much of our lives with us. They truly are like our children and depend so much on us. They become so embedded in our lives, we just can't imagine a life without them.
I really feel for you as I know how hard it is (I lost an 18yr old cat and 8 year old dog).
I currently have a 10 year old little dog and the relationship you describe with your beloved dog sounds just the same as the one I have with mine.
It sounds like you gave your little dog a wonderful life, full of love and companionship. He knew he was loved and you did the best thing you could do for him, excruciating though it was at the end, it really is so hard.
Sending virtual hugs.

Oh @Redtartanlass I'm so sorry about your dog and I understand your grief. My last dog died a few years ago and losing him had a bigger impact on me than when my parents died, probably because he was in my life day in day out. Also it was a different type of relationship where he relied on me, so a bit parent-child. I've just searched into why it can often feel more painful losing a pet than a relative or friend and found this explanation:

Psychologist Julie Axelrod has pointed out that the loss of a dog is so painful because owners aren’t just losing the pet. It could mean the loss of a source of unconditional love, a primary companion who provides security and comfort, and maybe even a protégé that’s been mentored like a child.

The loss of a dog can also seriously disrupt an owner’s daily routine more profoundly than the loss of most friends and relatives.
https://theconversation.com/why-losing-a-dog-can-be-harder-than-losing-a-relative-or-friend-68207

You've hit the nail on the head primary companion I was using the expression plus one but the primary companion is exactly who he was.

I have one prickly teenager left at home. No chance of a cuddle there, except under extreme duress. So I have rare human touch. No one to cuddle up to now, when I'm sad or just want some emotional contact.

He wasn't much of a cuddly dog, he would never be more than a metre from me but was not over enamoured with cuddling. He'd get too hot.

However if I was watching a sad film in bed and started crying, he'd let me drag him over beside him in bed and put up with cuddles and kisses for about half an hour before discreetly moving away from me.

He was there waiting sadly at the window for me, if I dared leave him at home. My god was he a sulker if I left him.

I remember going away with kids and left him with a good friend for a week. He had the time of his life! Fresh meat for dinner, endless walks and loads of attention.

When I came home, I expected a rapturous welcome from him. I came to the door all excited to see him, he looked me up in down in disgust and walked right passed me. Everyone was laughing. He sulked for about 2 days!

God I miss him. This when I wish I believed in god, wish I thought I'd meet him again in heaven. To see his sulky face. But I don't. And that makes me sad too.

I'm so sorry, don't feel embarrassed it is a huge loss! They are with you every single day and you see them more than some of your own family! Dogs are also just so pure and are always there for you so when they suddenly aren't there it's heartbreaking. I lost my dog a few years ago she was also 16 and we were all devastated. It will slowly get easier but allow yourself the time to grieve your little friend. We felt a little bit of comfort once we had her ashes home with us where she belonged. There are lovely ways you can remember your dog in the home too, like framing their collar or having photos of them.

Sending you love

Oh OP, of course you feel sad about it only five hours later! That is NOTHING to be embarrassed about.

Your post made me tear up. He sounds like a wonderful character.

Personally I believe you will see him again. But that's by the by as you don't. But all that love you gave him and put out into the world didn't go nowhere anyway, it's real and meaningful and still part of you.

@Redtartanlass if he was your first dog, and you've not been through this before, rest assured it's highly likely you will, with time, be able to think about him and smile rather than cry. How long that takes is very individual, but all I can say from experience is that the sad times become less and are slowly replaced by fond memories. I can think about my old boy's funny (and not so funny) ways and smile. I can look at photos of him now and usually not feel sad.
Keep posting if it helps

I’m so so sorry for your loss 💔 I think it’s perfectly normal to feel the level grief you’re feeling and I hope in time it gets easier for you.
My eyes watered and nose tingled just reading your post.

My dog is honestly my son. I don’t know what I’d do without him, which is clearly alarming as their time with us is shorter than we’d like! It was always just me & him as I got him when I just left an awful relationship - I feel like he saved me.
My new partner has fallen in love with our pooch just as much as me and calls him his son😂🤍

My dog recently had complicated emergency surgery for an intestinal blockage and I thought we’d lost him. I’m pregnant with our first baby (bar the dog!🤣) and that’s the only thing that kept me going as I had to be strong.

I can’t imagine your pain right now, it makes me incredibly sad just thinking about it. Sending you lots and lots of love, I hope you feel less pain over time ❤️❤️
he sounded like an amazing good boy xxxx

Ok update I’m in floods of tears reading everybody else’s replies too 😂💔

what a blessing and heartbreak it is to have had & to have loved a pet 🤍🤍

I'm so very sorry for your incredibly painful loss 😪 you obviously gave him a lovely life and it's not much comfort at the moment I know. My heart goes out to you 💔

Sorry for your loss OP, I know it hurts. I lost my first dog in 2019 - she was a difficult soul with a chronic spinal condition but we had an extreme bond, and I'll never forget the pain of saying goodbye. It didn't happen as I'd planned, it was more sudden than we could have expected but she couldn't go on.

I also lost my mum following 2 years of Alzheimer's, but they call it the long goodbye don't they - I lost the real mum long before she actually died, so it was a release for her in the end and I had already acclimatised to her being gone. That long-lasting grief, and the way I still miss my original mum now, is different to the abrupt, heart wrenching pain of losing a dog, the only creature who loves unconditionally.

We have two dogs now, and whilst the 16 month old pain-in-the-arse puppy is still growing on me, the 4 year old terrier is so perfect, so sweet and so adored, that the knowledge that his day will eventually come fills me with fear. You know what they say - it's the price we pay for loving them.

My heart goes out to you OP, I lost my lovely cat a couple of weeks ago and honestly have never felt a sadness like it. Never expected to find a true friend in a cat but he really was just such a great companion through very difficult times. They just get you like no people do.

I found this book helpful during the first horrible week - you can buy digital versions so can read instantly, it’s called The Pet Loss Guide by Millie Jacobs. Massive hug for you xxxx

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I too lost my dog recently and my god it's hit me like a bus. He was my shadow, always happy when I got home, Ihe slept in my bed and he too cuddled me when my heart was broken. It's been 6 months and I miss him still so badly. People have suggested I get a puppy, that's not feasible for me I work full time and to be honest I can't replace him, it just wouldn't be the same.

I hope you can rest assured your dog was loved and happy. I can't heal your heart but I'm sending you a massive hug x