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Original poster

Why do people not ask questions?

125 replies

bryceQ · 29/12/2023 17:40

I'm in quite a few social situations where this happens, was speaking to a friend about it and it happened to her today.

She was with her partner's brother and wife, they didn't ask a single question about my friend and her husband (the brother). And gave minimal responses when they spoke. Only wanted to speak about themselves.

I always find it so alien. If I'm with someone, friend or even someone I barely know, I'll always ask about their news and do my best to be engaged with what they say. I can't imagine just not saying anything when they speak, or turning it back to myself.

My dad does this too, if i tell him something, he doesn't engage with what I say he just turns it back to him and we have a conversation about him again.

It's really frustrating.

OP posts:
ChickenSoupAndLokshen · 29/12/2023 17:43

They're gauche. Or don't care. Or self-centred. Or ill-mannered. It's not just you though. I experience this a lot. Find out loads about people during a conversation and they'll walk away barely knowing my name.

HoldMeCloserTonyDancer · 29/12/2023 17:44

I always find it frustrating and ignorant. It’s def lack of social skills. I don’t understand anyone who isn’t curious about things and to talk solely about yourself is vain; expecting other people to find you as fascinating as you find yourself. Dunno what the answer is but I tend to not bother much with people like this

ICantGetNoSheep · 29/12/2023 17:44

They are purely self-referential and it’s often associated with those who are emotionally immature.

Original poster
bryceQ · 29/12/2023 17:48

Eg with my dad this is how a conversation would go, on the phone /

Me: have you had a lovely Christmas?
Him: speaks for 5 mins.... Silence
Me: we had a nice time, my little boy did this funny thing.
Him: nice.... Silence
Me : I made a nice beef joint
Him: interrupts to tell me about his beef joint
Me: oh lovely... Ask question about recipe. We speak about this for 5 mins.

Over and over.

I always feel like I know so much about people, and they know so little about me. Makes you feel like you're so boring. 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
bryceQ · 29/12/2023 17:48

I should say when my dad is speaking I'm saying nice encouraging things and asking questions about it.

OP posts:
Shouldbeworkingnotreadingtalk · 29/12/2023 18:04

I've got a nifty little game I play with myself when this happens. (Which is lot). . When you can tell they are "that type" I literally ask them lots of questions, don't volunteer anything at all about myself (and I'm an overstated so it's hard) but I have a little chuckle to myself thinking that they are so self centred they know nothing about my week / month / life / kids etc. I absolutely play this game if not to make myself feel better Smile

Icelandic9 · 29/12/2023 18:12

Shouldbeworkingnotreadingtalk · 29/12/2023 18:04

I've got a nifty little game I play with myself when this happens. (Which is lot). . When you can tell they are "that type" I literally ask them lots of questions, don't volunteer anything at all about myself (and I'm an overstated so it's hard) but I have a little chuckle to myself thinking that they are so self centred they know nothing about my week / month / life / kids etc. I absolutely play this game if not to make myself feel better Smile

Why do you assume they're self centered when you've been asking them questions about themselves?

Perhaps they didn't want to tell you about themselves but feel it's too rude not to answer you

bobbles4091 · 29/12/2023 18:16

I have also noticed this a lot over the years and discussed it with my partner and friends, which is why I wanted to comment. I do think to some extent it reflects more finessed social skills, but I never cease to be amazed how many people can have lengthy interactions with others without reciprocating a question or asking a single thing. My partner is a musician and (no offence intended) I've found arty types often the worst with this. I had a half an hour conversation with an artist in New York who did not ask me a single thing, and he was driving the conversation. I started to find it quite amusing, especially when he spoke for over ten minutes about a project he'd worked on around the link between music and psychology, and I was a practising Psychologist at the time (not that he'd know!). I appreciate sometimes people don't want to connect, or maybe have social anxiety but I think I'll remain an 'ask-hole' for the foreseeable!

bellac11 · 29/12/2023 18:18

I might be guilty of this because I dont want to seem intrusive or nosy, so I dont ask direct questions or personal stuff. I might talk about something mundane like my beef joint

Original poster
bryceQ · 29/12/2023 18:20

bellac11 · 29/12/2023 18:18

I might be guilty of this because I dont want to seem intrusive or nosy, so I dont ask direct questions or personal stuff. I might talk about something mundane like my beef joint

I don't think my dad engaging with what I cooked at Christmas or asking me about my day is intrusive or nosy. It's not about the mundane. It's about showing an interest in your loved ones or other people.

OP posts:
Blinkityblonk · 29/12/2023 18:21

It's not intrusive or nosy to ask questions in a similar manner to those being asked of you- so if someone asks you 'how was your Christmas?' that's not only a signal for you to talk about yours, but usually a signal they are happy to talk about theirs. They've introduced the topic. It's then rude to just bang on about your Christmas and not ask them how theirs went.

Doyoumind · 29/12/2023 18:31

There isn't just one reason. Some people are socially awkward, and some people are just self-centred. I'm a talker and I can sometimes unwittingly dominate conversations and have to remind myself not to, but I am also interested in hearing about people so I'm not guilty of not asking questions.

One ex-friend was particularly guilty of only ever talking and not asking. I met up with her once shortly after I had a traumatic experience. To this day, she doesn't know it happened. She talked non stop about herself for the whole lunch and it was the last time I ever met up with her.

HoldMeCloserTonyDancer · 29/12/2023 18:34

Doyoumind · 29/12/2023 18:31

There isn't just one reason. Some people are socially awkward, and some people are just self-centred. I'm a talker and I can sometimes unwittingly dominate conversations and have to remind myself not to, but I am also interested in hearing about people so I'm not guilty of not asking questions.

One ex-friend was particularly guilty of only ever talking and not asking. I met up with her once shortly after I had a traumatic experience. To this day, she doesn't know it happened. She talked non stop about herself for the whole lunch and it was the last time I ever met up with her.

With reference to your second paragraph. I tolerated someone at work for 15 years who classed us as friends but was so self-centered, when push came to shove she didn’t even know how to spell my surname. I had to go no contact for my sanity x

NetballHoop · 29/12/2023 18:37

My workplace is full of people who will never ask anything.
When I joined they had no idea if other colleagues were married/had partners or children.

I do my best to open up conversation but it's bloody hard.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 29/12/2023 18:41

Yes. I can think of two people who would call themselves friends of mine - one is my cousin - but they only talk about themselves and I bet they couldn't name my children if you asked them to.

Lovetotravel123 · 29/12/2023 18:50

Yes, I know people like this and also find it frustrating. I always ask questions and assume that if they don’t want to tell me the answer then they will reply accordingly. I’m not being nosey, just making conversation and am genuinely interested.

AreYouThereDog · 29/12/2023 18:53

My late ILs were like this. They never once asked me what job I had, anything about my family etc. When my now-husband moved in with me, they never asked if the property was mine, ours, or rented.

I always found it so very strange.

festivetinseling · 29/12/2023 18:56

Some people just have no manners or any idea of social etiquette. Either that or they don't give a shit about anyone else.

babyshroom · 29/12/2023 18:57

This happens to me all the time. I work in a job that requires me to build rapport with people very quickly and to be curious about them, so I think it's partly down to that. But it happened when I had a desk job, too, so....

I don't particularly mind it as I know this is just the way that some people converse. What DOES piss me off is when people lecture me about things that they KNOW I know about and make absolutely no acknowledgement of the fact that I have my own experience of whatever the thing is.

So it comes off as a feeling of being talked down to.

Like the male colleague who did 50/50 paternity leave with his partner then came back and lectured me about what it's like looking after a toddler KNOWING that I've had two.

Or my neighbour, bumping into each other on a dog walk and him giving me a 15 minute lecture all about his dog, without even acknowleding the fact that I'm also a dog-owner? Like telling me all about dogs as if I don't have one on the end of my lead attached to my hand?

That I find tedious.

HappyHolidai · 29/12/2023 18:59

My mother asks loads of questions, to the point where the person on the receiving end feels interrogated.

As a result I probably don't ask enough: I would never want anyone to feel I was interrogating them. I'm happy to chat, but never quite worked out what questions it's ok to ask.

babyshroom · 29/12/2023 19:00

Although I recently started a job in a very small organisation, two of us sharing an office. My colleague asks me if I have children. I said yes, sex, ages, a little about where they go to school (relevant to the role we work in).

The following day in conversation she said "oh but you're not a Mum so you wouldn;t know that" Xmas Confused

I mean, why ask if you aren't going to bother retaining the information?!

CoconutPrize · 29/12/2023 19:02

Ugh I have a few of these types in and around my life. I have known some of them for decades yet to this day they know very little about my life. If something terrible was to happen to me ( which it has in previous times), they're the first to pipe up ' oh why didn't she say?!' . Ummm because you've displayed exactly zero interest in my life up to now, so why would I think you'd make a good confidante?! Strangely, some of these people will tell you absolutely everything you'd never need to know about Keith over the road or Melanie the nice school teacher who plays violin in her spare time, so clearly they must ask questions and listen at some point... But with me it's crickets. I used to get riled up over this but now I just play them at there own game and rarely ask any questions or initiate any interest in their affairs. Funnily enough, they don't like this at all and think you're being moody or " something's up with her". Ha! Nope it's called matching your complete lack of effort - you're not draining my radiator anymore thank you very much with your boring pointless monolgues.

LemongrassLollipop · 29/12/2023 19:10

I know someone like this. Every comment, pic she has to bring it back to herself. I believe it is due to emotional immaturity.

Eg She was intending to visit a mutual friend in hospital after an op and I texted to ask if she visited and how it went. She replied to say she was strong but a bit upset...ummm how was the person who's just had the op?!

bellac11 · 29/12/2023 19:14

Blinkityblonk · 29/12/2023 18:21

It's not intrusive or nosy to ask questions in a similar manner to those being asked of you- so if someone asks you 'how was your Christmas?' that's not only a signal for you to talk about yours, but usually a signal they are happy to talk about theirs. They've introduced the topic. It's then rude to just bang on about your Christmas and not ask them how theirs went.

I dont really like being asked questions if Im honest

Circumferences · 29/12/2023 19:17

Shouldbeworkingnotreadingtalk · 29/12/2023 18:04

I've got a nifty little game I play with myself when this happens. (Which is lot). . When you can tell they are "that type" I literally ask them lots of questions, don't volunteer anything at all about myself (and I'm an overstated so it's hard) but I have a little chuckle to myself thinking that they are so self centred they know nothing about my week / month / life / kids etc. I absolutely play this game if not to make myself feel better Smile

Goodness if I came across you I'd probably feel really uncomfortable and want to get away!