Why do people not ask questions?

[bryceQ]

I'm in quite a few social situations where this happens, was speaking to a friend about it and it happened to her today.

She was with her partner's brother and wife, they didn't ask a single question about my friend and her husband (the brother). And gave minimal responses when they spoke. Only wanted to speak about themselves.

I always find it so alien. If I'm with someone, friend or even someone I barely know, I'll always ask about their news and do my best to be engaged with what they say. I can't imagine just not saying anything when they speak, or turning it back to myself.

My dad does this too, if i tell him something, he doesn't engage with what I say he just turns it back to him and we have a conversation about him again.

It's really frustrating.

It's easy to ask open questions or non intrusive questions. Only talking about yourself or what you have been doing is not a good thing

Poor social skills - I have been very bad at this, I still am sometimes, and occasionally realise I've come away from a short encounter and just talked about myself. 😳I'm better than I was and I think I do get some questions in on longer encounters. I wouldn't say I'm a self-centred person but I'm aware I can go on a bit, and I do try to keep it under control.

My own mother now early 80’s is like this.

She rarely asks any questions. And she’s no idea what’s going on in my life - she has absolutely no interest.

I’ve been with my OH 10 years and we got married this year. Never once asked me about the wedding and despite me telling her his surname (my new married make) she still doesn’t know (we had a Christmas card sent to first name + first name).

I left my corporate job 5 years ago and started my own business. She’s never asked about it or taken any interest in it. In fact, after 20 years in the corporate world she really had no idea what I did (never asked or took any interest).

I lived in New York recently (seconded from London). Never once asked anything about it / or the amazing experience I had.

I’d ring & put the phone on loud speaker while she just ‘talked at me’ for an hour or so.

My brother thinks she’s neurodivergent. I just think she’s self centred and not interested. It’s definitely got worse as she’s got older.

I can think of a few people like this who just aren't that interested in what other people have to say.

They seem to think others love their stories/anecdotes/monologues and if the conversation goes on to someone else they look bored and/or quickly bring it back to themselves.

It may be a lack of social skills.

In their defence, some people also don't volunteer much information about themselves and wait to be asked everything (I find this annoying too) and feel like they have to fill the silence, while others are self absorbed.

Too many 'questions' can feel like an interview if the sharing doesn't feel 2 way mind you. But as a PP said when the person doesn't engage with what you say at all or makes it all about them, then it can be so annoying!

I went for lunch with a colleague not long ago who talked about herself for the entire meal. Every time I tried to contribute or share something she made it about her. Needless to say we never went out again!

I have a friend like this. She literally doesn’t know where I work or how many siblings I have. In contrast, I know how many siblings she has and where they work exactly.

The thing is that she sees herself as hugely empathetic and a great friend. I often wonder if I should tell her to listen up a bit. I probably never will but we’ll eventually fall out of touch.

I used to wonder this all the time but now I think he believes I did some sort of 'girly' version of it in his head. Like I must be making the tea or something. I left years ago so don't let it bother me so much anymore but he does this also with my sister. She met her DH through work so they do 2 different versions of the same job, but by coincidence my DH is in the same business and in fact does exactly the same job as my sister. Yet my Dad will say things like 'both my daughters married accountants' and she is sitting there practically yelling 'I'm an accountant too'. So that element is just plain old sexism. The not asking about our lives is a different thing I think, he seems to do this to men also.

Its actually very upsetting though isn't it.

I do think there is more than one cause.

My in-laws I find quite self absorbed. They are fond of me but not particularly interested so don't ask me any questions, and don't listen to anything I have to say. I've sort of shut down in their presence a bit and don't say anything much at all now. They make an effort with my children so that's good.

I was raised by a mother who inexplicably thought that EVERYTHING was private information and shouldn't be asked about. As a result I struggle with asking direct questions. My mind is completely blank. All I can think of is 'think of a question! What is an appropriate question!' over and over and nothing comes out. I know that sounds mad but it's true. There have been multiple situations where people must have just thought I didn't care or wasn't interested, but I couldn't physically get the words out.

Over the years I've practiced and got better with general open ended questions, as I really am interested and want to know more about people. I am a bit awkward with it all though. I sometimes try to go with gentle compliments and see if that opens anything up.

It's a difficult one really. I know a ''talkative' bores who talk at you but I meet an equal amount of 'quiet bores' who you have to drag a conversation out of them, let alone a discussion. Whilst I accept that some people are self centred, some are dreary bores.
Pairings come into it too. I've watched Alan and Terry discuss politics, ale, and East Enders enthusiastically yet don't have much to say to their wives. Likewise Sandra might think Carol is hilarious/quirky/interesting but at home she just wants to flop in front of the TV.
I don't have many people I'm close to, but the family and friends I have I can definitely have a general, serious or light hearted conversation with. Is it just your Dad you have this with? Is he like it with others? Do you think you're boring?

I think that's what I meant earlier about parings. You say your Dad has 2 topics. Maybe he thinks you only ever want to talk about your kids/husband or your job. Maybe he thinks every time you're talking about something interesting you manage to bring it round to the kids or Xmas etc.
As long as you have some people you can relate to I'd say it's not the end of the earth

Well no, but then I did say 'some people' behave that way, not all.🙂

I've come across quite a few people like this and I also find it strange!

My ex was a very lively and entertaining talker, but hardly ever asked anything. When he stayed with my parents, he didn't ask them a single question about themselves!

I’ve been with my OH 10 years and we got married this year. Never once asked me about the wedding

So ... your own mother didn't come to your wedding? Or have I read that wrong? (and yes it's a nosey question,but hey, it's in the spirit of the thread)

My MIL does this too - but doesn't really listen to the answers

I just said this to H yesterday. Had dinner with a colleague/friend and she didn’t ask a single question.

alos remember meeting Hs colleagues at a team building and someone said oh HRN is from x country. The person next to me went “oh” and carried on about themself. Weird

although i was brought up that it was RUDE to ask questions, I do, how else do you get to know people?!

People are more self absorbed nowadays

There's a very popular style of conversation which doesn't really involve questions, but does result in information sharing. The people just talk at each other: Person A makes a statement, eg "We're going to Ibiza this summer." Persons B and C follow up with statements of their summer holiday destinations. Somebody says Ibiza's nice, another person says they used to love it but now prefer Rhodes, someone else moves things along by describing their new beachwear. Everyone describes their beachwear.

I learned to do this while working with people who converse entirely in statements, though I don't like it. But neither do I like being asked a string of questions! I'm widely considered easy to talk to - mainly, I think, because I'm a reasonably good listener. I don't really care whether the other person learns anything about me. (It's great to meet someone who shares my conversational style, though!)

You can see why they need team-building 😂

What I find extremely annoying is people who ask about yourself but who don't listen to your response and are back to talking about themselves before you've finished the first sentence. ExH I'm looking at you!

I tend not to ask questions because I have a tendency to ask ridiculously pointed and overly personal questions. Like many people with ASD, I struggle with small talk. The inane follow-up questions I am supposed to ask are so dull that I don’t know why anyone wants to hear them, let alone answer them.

I do try, I really do. At this point though I’m mostly focusing on not over sharing which seems to be the bigger faux pas.

Self absorption I guess.

I don't mind with strangers or people I don't know well.

I think you know it's not interrogation. For example at a family gathering somone asked me how we are settling into our home. As we move this year. They also moved this year so I said how are you settling in an the conversion went from there.

Asking questions doesn't have to be interrogation. Yes, it would be awkward to sit there firing queries at your conversational partner. But not many people do this. Most start off with an open-ended question like "And how are you finding work/your hometown/family life?" Once the ball is rolling, all you have to do is listen, pick up on the most interesting thing they say and encourage them to run with that by saying "Really!" or the like.

Conversation 101! It's true some people are too self centred to master this. And it hurts, because talking to them makes you feel they don't care. Maybe they do, maybe they don't, but they lack the self-awareness and sensitivity to engage in the game.

I think as someone mentioned upthread, open ended questions is the key. Direct specific questions can feel very intrusive and blunt unless with close friends or family. How is work going, any plans for the weekend, how is your mother?

I am also someone who is naturally interested in other people. In the past I have spent a lot of time of time keeping the conversation going now I assume if the person doesn't engage in conversation, even general stuff, that they are not interested and I move on/away. Invariably I will click with someone and then just chat to them.

For me conversation is easy, I am confident and outgoing however some people don't like this so again I reach this conclusion quickly and stop engaging. If I had a MIL that talked at me and didn't ask any questions I would not keep the conversation going. I, like everyone else, have the right to say nothing/stop asking questions.

My own family are like this, my brother never asks me any questions. I don't enjoy his company, it's hard work/boring so there is silence. I am comfortable with silence now I'm older. I save my energy for people who are interested and interesting.

We eloped - planned and everyone knew about it.

On our return we hosted a party for family & friends.