Why do people not ask questions?

[bryceQ]

I'm in quite a few social situations where this happens, was speaking to a friend about it and it happened to her today.

She was with her partner's brother and wife, they didn't ask a single question about my friend and her husband (the brother). And gave minimal responses when they spoke. Only wanted to speak about themselves.

I always find it so alien. If I'm with someone, friend or even someone I barely know, I'll always ask about their news and do my best to be engaged with what they say. I can't imagine just not saying anything when they speak, or turning it back to myself.

My dad does this too, if i tell him something, he doesn't engage with what I say he just turns it back to him and we have a conversation about him again.

It's really frustrating.

Lots of people are like this, I have one particular “friend” who never asks questions at all, the conversation is only continues because I am sat there wracking my brains on how to keep the conversation going, the only reason we are so called friends is because we share a hobby, I have had to stop car sharing with her because I cannot stand the stress of the car journey there and back, it’s mentally exhausting.

My parents are like this. They are fairly self involved and not very caring of others. So I think it's a not interested or don't car thing for them.

Obviously no one wants endless questions! But I do think they are key in having conversations.

I don’t ask questions but I’m autistic and it isn’t the way I converse. I also hate being quizzed. You can’t assume people are rude

My father is like this. He has two particular topics that are interests of his, and always turns the conversation to these as soon as the conversation gets to anything about me or my life. It's so boring, and I definitely avoid calling him as a result.

I assume op knows her dad isn't autistic. As I know my parents aren't.

As somone who is also neurodivergent I feel it's fair to say people do make assumptions and judgements based on behavioural norms. This can of course be problematic but I think it's also problematic to dismiss all rudness as neurodivergence.

It's not just asking questions it's a failure to engage with the thing the other person is saying at all.

I know a few people like this, they monologue about themselves and seem annoyed/bored if you talk about yourself.

My friend knows my neighbour through work and whenever I speak to NB I message her and tell her what’s she’s said and ‘never asked about me’. 15 years and counting.

100% agree with this

but there are lots of social things I don’t understand

why are people happy to take your hospitality and never ever return it by offering to host?

why do people accept a round then not offer one back?

@bryceQ I think you might be my sister! Dad is exactly like that. I try to interject with funny stories about the kids (given up on talking about myself) and he somehow brings it back to his topics. The worst part was he developed an obsession with a TV show that was about a specific profession, I did the same job. Like Judge judy and I am also a judge (not really). He would start to tell me about a scenario in the show and I'd say 'I am in the middle of exactly the same at work, but x happened..' he would cut me off to tell me about how the TV version of my job worked out. It went beyond frustration to really hurtful. I do however now believe that he has autism, that and many other flags. My DS has autism and the similarities are huge, I often remind DS that he needs to check himself on this and remember to ask questions sometimes as it would not come naturally to him.

Ha I do this too!!!

OP you’re not boring. You just are probably more intelligent and have good social skills and social aware ness compared to the people talking about themselves

I don't have an ND diagnosis, but lots of it in my family. I have to really really concentrate to converse with people in this way, I either have to kick myself to remember what kind of questions to ask or remind myself that someone asking lots of questions is just trying to get to know me, not interrogating me. It doesn't come naturally.

If you talk at me about something you're really interested in or knowledgeable about, then I'll enjoy the conversation and remember that stuff about you. Equally if you ask me about something I'm interested in, then boom, we have a conversation. I'd probably be in the fascinated to learn about the beef joint process category.

OP, your Dad doesn't seem to have the same social style as you. You could tell him you are pissed off by it?

I ask questions constantly. I love finding out about people. Obviously I only ask if I know the questions are welcomed.

Some people believe that interrogation is not a polite form of conversation.

I think I am the sort of person the OP is talking about.

I would see it as very rude and intrusive to ask such sort of questions.

Wow I'm amazed that people would think asking about how your daughters Christmas is would be classed as interrogation. I would also expect my dad to show some interest in his grandchild and have some comment on what I tell him.

It's not just my dad I meet people who do this all the time. If someone tells me an anecdote or story, I would always feel I have to comment on what they are saying to show I'm listening and engaged. I wouldnt just not respond and start talking about myself.

My son and husband are autistic. I don't believe my dad is.

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong
Oh goodness that must have been so frustrating. Do you think he doesn't connect that you do that job?

It's assumptions answers like these that make me super self conscious around people, and generally just hate myself and wish I was normal. I was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism at 40. On the outside I look and seem fairly normal, but I suppose most people like those on this thread just think I'm rude and self centred.

I'm guilty of not asking questions in many conversations, and went the majority of my life not even realising I didn't or that it was considered rude. It wasn't until the last few years that I've become aware of it (only because of a few ND videos I'd seen, otherwise I would have had no clue). I constantly have to remind myself and put the effort into asking questions, otherwise I find myself going off on tangents. It's not intentional. It's just the way my AuADHD brain processes and computes things. Small talk is not my forte. I don't know at what point once meeting someone is it acceptable to begin to ask questions that would then build a stronger friendship. I overthink everything and don't want to cause offence or seem nosey so I don't ask personal things. I also don't know when it's appropriate to share more personal things about myself. Because of this I don't really have close friends. I'm not rude or self absorbed. Unfortunately this thread has proved that's just the way people perceive me. 🙁 I'm super fun and caring and just want to be liked. But most people never get to see that side of me.

Yes, this drives me nuts too OP.

I usually disengage myself after a bit, let the silence linger and commit to never been in their company again.

I just had a similar experience, DH's Xmas party and his colleagues are just the dullest bunch of people who clearly have no social skills.
Me: so are you from here?
No.
where are you from?
X.
Oh that must be lovely, we are actually going there on summer holidays, there must be a lot to see.
it's nice.

Silence.

And I get, you might really not give a tiny rat's arse about me, but sitting there like a sack of spuds is a bit extreme.

I think I'm also undiagnosed ND and find social interactions really hard work. I don't talk about myself a lot but have to work really hard to think of mundane questions to ask people to keep conversation going. If I know a social event is coming up, I'll think of some in advance. I also find it 100 times easier if not face to face so often chat on planes and if the people next to me start up a conversation 😄 This doesn't apply to family though (unless on the phone as I get distracted).

They. Don't. Care.
Simple as that. If people were curious enough to know the answer, they would ask. They don't care. Some don't know you're supposed to pretend to care to be polite, some do know but, again, don't care. I found this happened to me a lot in a certain city in England, strangely!

I'm not the best socially, I'm OK with asking questions and taking an interest in people but my problem is if someone is talking about something to do with themselves I will often relate it to something in my own life and talk about that. It's taken me years to learn people don't like this and see it as making things all about me. That's not my intention; I do it because I feel like that makes a connection between us. I have to try to go against my natural inclination and use some strategies I have learned to have good conversations.

I also think that people who lack social abilities are often at their worst in large groups that might be a bit stressful. Sometimes if you get the person one to one or in a small comfortable group they will be a lot better.

It's not my intention to make ND people feel like I'm saying they are rude. I have a lot of autistic people in my life, and I work with many people with adhd, this isn't a criticism on their social interactions. It's actually not ND people I'm referring to. Both of my parents are neurotypical and they both do the lack of interest in what I say thing. So for a long time I used to think I must be so so boring as they never engaged. I used to feel desperately sad.

My family are like this and I find it bizarre. I think they don’t care, are massively self-absorbed and are poor conversationalists.

I met my mum and 2 sisters for lunch last week. I asked about their news, their jobs, Christmas plans, partners, etc. It wasn’t an interrogation; just conversation and genuine interest. No one asked me a single question about anything - not even a “and how about you?”.

I always feel so deflated after meeting with them as I feel as though they have no interest in me. But I don’t think they have any interest in anything other than themselves.

Yes, some people aren’t good at conversation.

But the mystifying thing is that so many people, understandably resenting this, seem to continue to maintain relationships with these monologuers, even regard them as friends. Why would you choose to spend time, if not strictly necessary, with someone who manifests not the remotest interest in you?

(I know not all relationships are optional — mine is my 81 year old dad, and he’s not going to change…)

I'm autistic. Not much to do with manners or etiquette.