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Original poster

Why do people not ask questions?

125 replies

bryceQ · 29/12/2023 17:40

I'm in quite a few social situations where this happens, was speaking to a friend about it and it happened to her today.

She was with her partner's brother and wife, they didn't ask a single question about my friend and her husband (the brother). And gave minimal responses when they spoke. Only wanted to speak about themselves.

I always find it so alien. If I'm with someone, friend or even someone I barely know, I'll always ask about their news and do my best to be engaged with what they say. I can't imagine just not saying anything when they speak, or turning it back to myself.

My dad does this too, if i tell him something, he doesn't engage with what I say he just turns it back to him and we have a conversation about him again.

It's really frustrating.

OP posts:
Dragonfly97 · 29/12/2023 21:25

CoconutPrize · 29/12/2023 19:02

Ugh I have a few of these types in and around my life. I have known some of them for decades yet to this day they know very little about my life. If something terrible was to happen to me ( which it has in previous times), they're the first to pipe up ' oh why didn't she say?!' . Ummm because you've displayed exactly zero interest in my life up to now, so why would I think you'd make a good confidante?! Strangely, some of these people will tell you absolutely everything you'd never need to know about Keith over the road or Melanie the nice school teacher who plays violin in her spare time, so clearly they must ask questions and listen at some point... But with me it's crickets. I used to get riled up over this but now I just play them at there own game and rarely ask any questions or initiate any interest in their affairs. Funnily enough, they don't like this at all and think you're being moody or " something's up with her". Ha! Nope it's called matching your complete lack of effort - you're not draining my radiator anymore thank you very much with your boring pointless monolgues.

I could have written this! In a previous job I probably knew everything about my colleague's families, I doubt they even knew the names of mine. They'd talk at length about their lives, I'd ask how a colleague's daughter was getting on with her masters degree; when it came to reciprocating; crickets. I gave up in the end. I was often ignored, as if I was an irritation. After I'd left, the colleague had the nerve to send me a link to a Go Fund Me page her daughter had set up. I didn't donate.

ActDottie · 29/12/2023 21:26

Yeah I hate this. My husband’s parents are like this. Never ask questions, my husband has progressed in his career so much the last few years and I’m so proud of him! Like ridiculously so as there was a point it looked like he’d never earn much above minimum wage. But his parents never ever ask about his job :( and it makes me so sad because he’s done so well and think he deserves the recognition.

Tbh I find it sad cuz I think there’s just a lot they don’t know about us, we met them today and I mentioned my employer and my FIL said “oh is that who you work for” - I’ve worked for them for over two years but they don’t ask questions! So they don’t know anything about us. And we aren’t the sort to offer information without being asked as we don’t want to come across as just talking about ourselves.

Dragonfly97 · 29/12/2023 21:29

Mirrorballsocial · 29/12/2023 19:30

My parents are like this. They are fairly self involved and not very caring of others. So I think it's a not interested or don't car thing for them.

Obviously no one wants endless questions! But I do think they are key in having conversations.

My dad is like this as well. If I didn't ask him about his week and where he's been, what he's done, etc, we'd sit in silence. Since the menopause I've stopped bothering. It's very freeing. I don't waste energy on people who don't make the same effort with me.

tothelefttotheleft · 29/12/2023 21:33

@scoutingfor

I have grown up autistic children. They have been taught and learnt how to have a reciprocal conversation. It may not come naturally but they have learnt how to do it.

scoutingfor · 29/12/2023 21:37

tothelefttotheleft · 29/12/2023 21:33

@scoutingfor

I have grown up autistic children. They have been taught and learnt how to have a reciprocal conversation. It may not come naturally but they have learnt how to do it.

Meanwhile, i have grown up doing the same and being utterly traumatised as a result of being pushed into things my disability does not allow. I'm almost 50 and have a much easier life now I'm being myself.

scoobadydawoo · 29/12/2023 21:38

FoxClocks · 29/12/2023 21:10

I'm not the best socially, I'm OK with asking questions and taking an interest in people but my problem is if someone is talking about something to do with themselves I will often relate it to something in my own life and talk about that. It's taken me years to learn people don't like this and see it as making things all about me. That's not my intention; I do it because I feel like that makes a connection between us. I have to try to go against my natural inclination and use some strategies I have learned to have good conversations.

I also think that people who lack social abilities are often at their worst in large groups that might be a bit stressful. Sometimes if you get the person one to one or in a small comfortable group they will be a lot better.

Yes I do this too, and didn't realise it was frowned upon and considered rude until I was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism. I always thought I was showing interest and commonalities in the discussion and saw it as a way of bonding of sorts or identifying shared areas of things we could talk about. I would never intentionally try and detail a conversation to try and devalue what another person is saying or make it about me. It's just my way of engaging and showing interest. But it's just another thing that's perceived as rude and self absorbed which is again why I struggle in social situations and never know what to say. I'm constantly judging and analysing everything I say to try and determine if the person thinks I'm rude, weird, self absorbed or whatever else has been mentioned on here. It's mentally draining and another reason why I no longer talk much or ask questions in social situations.

coxesorangepippin · 29/12/2023 21:39

This happens to me ALL the time.

I sometimes count how many questions I ask, and how many they ask me.

There's often a clear winner

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 21:46

My mum’s like this, OP, with everyone. Doesn’t matter what you say, she turns it back to herself somehow. And the usually one of the same eight topics, as well. It’s almost a skill lol

Chronically bad with social interactions is how I explain it, when I’m feeling charitable. Assuming everyone else is an extension of herself, when I’m feeling less so.

AlwaysGinPlease · 29/12/2023 21:49

I know what you mean OP. We had friends with grown up DC , the same as us. They NEVER asked about our DC but are happy to blather on endlessly about theirs. I don't even ask anymore. They just volunteer. I then say oh our DC are all fine by the way, not even acknowledged. We don't bother with them these days as they're so self obsessed.

tescocreditcard · 29/12/2023 21:51

I've actually taken to saying "is there anything you want to know about me?" if they go on about themselves for to long. The response is weird - they are stumped and don't know what to say - they just go dumb for 5 seconds or so and then say something like "where do you work?"

bellac11 · 29/12/2023 21:52

scoobadydawoo · 29/12/2023 21:38

Yes I do this too, and didn't realise it was frowned upon and considered rude until I was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism. I always thought I was showing interest and commonalities in the discussion and saw it as a way of bonding of sorts or identifying shared areas of things we could talk about. I would never intentionally try and detail a conversation to try and devalue what another person is saying or make it about me. It's just my way of engaging and showing interest. But it's just another thing that's perceived as rude and self absorbed which is again why I struggle in social situations and never know what to say. I'm constantly judging and analysing everything I say to try and determine if the person thinks I'm rude, weird, self absorbed or whatever else has been mentioned on here. It's mentally draining and another reason why I no longer talk much or ask questions in social situations.

Edited
Show quote history

Im not ND but I agree that I see this as sharing interests and commonalities and I love it if someone actually knows or is interested in something Im talking about and starts talking about it too.

tothelefttotheleft · 29/12/2023 21:53

@scoutingfor

You are right. I suppose it's masking isn't it. It exhausts my children.

bellac11 · 29/12/2023 21:53

tescocreditcard · 29/12/2023 21:51

I've actually taken to saying "is there anything you want to know about me?" if they go on about themselves for to long. The response is weird - they are stumped and don't know what to say - they just go dumb for 5 seconds or so and then say something like "where do you work?"

Is this an example of your superior social skills!!!

scoutingfor · 29/12/2023 21:54

tothelefttotheleft · 29/12/2023 21:33

@scoutingfor

I have grown up autistic children. They have been taught and learnt how to have a reciprocal conversation. It may not come naturally but they have learnt how to do it.

Actually coming back to reply again because the flippant way you have written this as if any autistic person can be taught this is irritating me. You know we are not all the same? One of my autistic DC won't talk to anyone outside the immediate family, never mind pick up reciprocal conversation Hmm

scoutingfor · 29/12/2023 21:56

tothelefttotheleft · 29/12/2023 21:53

@scoutingfor

You are right. I suppose it's masking isn't it. It exhausts my children.

It is and it might. I actually just replied again as I was irritated but please ignore that because I absolutely appreciate you coming back and acknowledging it isn't at all easy.

tothelefttotheleft · 29/12/2023 21:57

@scoutingfor

I did post again and say I agreed with you. Hopefully you seen this now.

SendARavenToRiverRun · 29/12/2023 21:57

MIL is like this. She has zero curiosity in anything. She'll answer any questions about herself but will never be the asker. Our eldest child has had an exciting year this year. Passed driving test, bought a car, gone to uni, got a partner and not once has she asked about any of it. She has literally no interest in anything beyond the end of her nose.

She notices nothing. We redecorated our house during lockdown. Top to bottom. She visits regularly but has never once commented on it. She's completely not interested.

It's exhausting trying to maintain a conversation. I've been married to her son for over 20 years and I'm 99% sure she doesn't really know anything about me.

I'm the opposite. I love to ask questions and can probably be too keen. I have to remember not to interrogate and not to ne too nosy.

scoutingfor · 29/12/2023 21:58

tothelefttotheleft · 29/12/2023 21:57

@scoutingfor

I did post again and say I agreed with you. Hopefully you seen this now.

Cross posted I apologise

shamebook · 29/12/2023 22:00

I have a friend who has become like this, wasn't before. I don't think it's social skills, in her case I think she's a bit lonely/bored. Granted it's difficult to link the two, but I wouldn't class her as someone with no social skills.

My mum is also terrible for this, to the point it makes me feel quite sad, but has got much worse with age. Again, I wonder if there's another element to it, that isn't just rudeness/social skills.

dreamland0 · 29/12/2023 22:07

From my experience, artists are the WORST culprits for this.

Closertinydancer · 29/12/2023 22:09

It amazes me when it’s situations where it would be much easier for people to ask questions rather than not. We met with distant relations who told us about their planned holiday in London. We ask about where they were staying, what they hoped to do. They told us about the show they had booked, where they were going to park, real detailed stuff. When I said we were going later in the year - nothing! No uncomfortable silence, just as though I’d said something irrelevant to stop the flow. They also know I used to live there, but were happier to tell me in depth what they’d learnt from looking online about things to do and places to go.

Rewis · 29/12/2023 22:15

A baker recently went viral for telling how much she hates when someone asks her about what is her favourite thing to bake. The comment section was filled with people saying what questions they hate. Majority of the hated questions were conversation starters. Sure, can be a bit annoying to always get the same questions but that's just how it is. Asking questions in a minefield, safer not to ask anything 😅

CoconutPrize · 29/12/2023 22:16

I also think it's such a sad and a pointless way to meander through life too, without really ever getting to know anyone. Thinking of one of my old good friends here - his family are very nice and helpful and can be kind, but they have absolutely zero conversation between them. I've sat in their company enough times to realise not one of them is going to ask the other how their jobs going or was their holiday good or what they got up to last weekend or how do they feel about x y z...not one question passes between them. it will be monologue after monologue ( usually the mother) where one will hold court until the next one gets a turn to speak. No one will join in or respond - there is no back and forth or attempts to make conversation where everyone can chip in and contribute It's so wearsome and ultimately boring. I've always walked away feeling utterly flat and dejected after. I can only out it down to bring raised this way as they are literally all the same. The mother would struggle to even know where the son works I think, yet can talk for hours about what she bought at the shops or what the dogs had for breakfast!

tothelefttotheleft · 29/12/2023 22:23

@scoutingfor

I'm the only neuro typical in my family and I get things wrong all the time. When I do one of my children says " is my autism inconveniencing you?!".

This is a prime example. I love a chat. I don't find it difficult. So it's easy for me to forget that other people can find it tortuous and that even if you can learn the skill it doesn't mean it doesn't take a toll on you. Even with two autistic children!

Your original post made me wonder if I've done them a disservice by encouraging them to copy neuro typical conversation. It's a bit of a no win situation.

Tigresswoods · 29/12/2023 22:26

Ooh ooh, I have a point of view on this. I'm in sales so my go to mode is asking people questions & finding out info.
At a social gathering last year I met a new person & launched into this friendly mode.

She accused me of "interrogation". I'm fairly sure it was her problem, not mine as I've never had that extreme reaction before or since.