At least 50% of MN 'problems' could be solved

[Wishimaywishimight]

By people actually saying things out loud, and to the appropriate person, instead of seething, being livid or taking to their bed shaking and crying (and writing on MN of course). Sometimes I just find myself saying "FFS"! The sorts of things I mean;

DH keeps taking the (say) newspaper off me. Why? What should I do? Eh, say something? Doesn't have to be confrontational (some people cannot see a middle ground between remaining mute and thumping the other party); "I'm still reading it, I'll give it to you when I'm finished with it" might work.

I give my nieces thoughtful and loving gifts worth £100 each, my DSis gives my children books with half the pages missing. I haven't said anything. How do I deal with (or "navigate" 🙄) this? Um, how about "hey sis, this book has half the pages missing? What's up with that?

My best friend (who I haven't seen in 5 years) has cancelled on me the last 27 times we arranged to meet. Should I say something? (in this case there probably is no need!).

My boyfriend of 7 years says he wants to get married but not until he has more money, a bigger house / penis / job, and can afford to buy me a 10 diamond ring and we can pay for 300 people to attend the wedding. Oh, and only once he sees a unicorn / pig flying. I am 47 and want children. I think he is dragging his heels. Should I say something? (Of course, the usual genius advice is to propose to him because proposing to a man who might as well have a tattoo on his forehead saying "I do not want to marry you" is always going to go well).

27 members of my extended family stayed for Christmas. They all sat down day and night and "demanded" or "expected" that I keep making food and drinks and cleaning up afterwards and changing the beds and providing clean towels and driving them places. I am exhausted (or "on my knees" for dramatic effect). I can't say "no" to anything or they will be upset. I can't face this next year. What should I do?

I have been having chest pains for 2 years, my arms and legs have gone numb and I keep falling down. I don't want to bother the GP. Anyone know what this might be?

YABVVU for not empathising with these poor souls.

@TeaAndStrumpets You're right I need to work on being a bit more sympathetic / empathic 😄

• empathetic

And the same people start threads objecting to being told to ‘Use Your Words’.

YANBU 😂 It's always possible to compassionately suggest using one's words.

Then the OP will either abandon their thread or come back with horrific further information that turns it into an obvious LTB ... after which they'll abandon their thread.

It might help sometimes, though!

People like to get things off their chest, whatever they are or aren't going to do in real life about their problem, and a massive anonymous forum is a pretty good way of doing that.

In fairness "use your words" is pretty patronising!

Ooh I I like that.

So true....so true.
I get so annoyed by the "I hinted several times about something I saw in a shop but all I got was a Dove set for Christmas".
What's the point in hinting.
Just say - out loud in a big girl voice - "For Christmas I would like to have xxx please".
Not complicated 😂

It’s intended to be, in the type of circumstances you mention! It’s the type of thing you say to a Reception child who won’t say he/she needs the loo.

It's not just using words tho, what women are socialised to lack is assertiveness - that is, to speak firmly, unhesitatingly, and calmly to express their wishes, and to stick to their guns.

I have no idea what you are talking about OP. None.

😂

but some of them need the patronising "use your words"

I don't think i lack empathy, and can certainly see how people find some of the conversations difficult - so their decision is to put up with it and shut up, and use mn to vent only, or to say something in which case it can be useful to see the "words" other people might use.

I do lose a bit of patience when the same poster asks for the advice for the same ongoing situation over and over and over (but i do understand when it is a LTB situation and they are afraid/worried etc)

Excellent post. Loads of drama llamas on here. Occasionally an actual real problem surfaces through the mire and somebody actually gets good advice which they may even take.

I can only hope it's a self selecting group of wallflowers. I don't know anyone who is like this IRL but who knows maybe it's all a facade and my friends bitch about me on MN!

Many people are terrified of anything that could be perceived as conflict. Or even them not being nice. For people pleasers the idea of communicating their needs or expressing anger is more frightening than giving a lion a Brazilian wax.

I know because I used to be one. It's a bloody awful way to live.

"Use your words" is no more patronising than "BE KIND!!", which inevitably leads to the sort of seething martyrdom expressed in such threads.

YANBU, it drives me bonkers!

I get that it can be uncomfortable, but people make their lives SO much more difficult than they need to be because they are totally incapable of having a simple conversation with the person in question!

Brilliant. So many people seem to be under or over reacting on here.
I have one of these drama people in my life and I like to study how she turns any innocuous situation into something to seethe about. I sometimes say something mild and sensible when she tries to drag me into it but it doesn’t suit her agenda so she ignores it.

Alternatively and probably likely - much of the daft stuff on here is made up.

I've watched a phenomenal amount of TV drama this year. What I've learned is that nearly every dramatic plot depends on the characters not telling each other things!

Yes. Or they leave another character an answerphone message saying ‘I’ve found something out! It’s terribly important! I’m coming to your house asap!’ and get offed by a baddie en route.

You make it sound so easy, but in our patriarchal society most women have been conditioned to put up and shut up and breaking away from that can be really difficult.

YANBU, of course.

But the challenge is that for many of us, having the confidence & self-esteem to both confront a situation, and deal with the aftermath, is absent.

Not all situations on MN are highly-charged, and emotional, of course and people should just use their words and act like an adult.

But many are, especially involving family. I don't post on MN about it, and I think I am dealing with it (thanks to counselling) but my family (of origin) have hurt me very deeply & my mother in particular has - is - been (being) awful. It's complicated and not a straightforward NC situation (though has certainly moved to LC).

Saying it straight out would be unlikely to resolve anything and so there's a delicate balance of the benefit of some contact with reducing my expectations of any support from them.

So, complicated. A lot of threads on MN are just about posters being heard I think.

That’s interesting, I am absolutely petrified of conflict but I don’t tend to get into the sort of situations the op describes. I think maybe what’s going on is not just that people are scared of conflict, they don’t have the skills to see how they can deal with these situations without it turning into one.

and that is why so many of us encourage them - robustly sometimes - to find their voices.
If you aren't prepared to make the tiniest effort to help yourself, you simply cannot be helped.