At least 50% of MN 'problems' could be solved

[Wishimaywishimight]

By people actually saying things out loud, and to the appropriate person, instead of seething, being livid or taking to their bed shaking and crying (and writing on MN of course). Sometimes I just find myself saying "FFS"! The sorts of things I mean;

DH keeps taking the (say) newspaper off me. Why? What should I do? Eh, say something? Doesn't have to be confrontational (some people cannot see a middle ground between remaining mute and thumping the other party); "I'm still reading it, I'll give it to you when I'm finished with it" might work.

I give my nieces thoughtful and loving gifts worth £100 each, my DSis gives my children books with half the pages missing. I haven't said anything. How do I deal with (or "navigate" 🙄) this? Um, how about "hey sis, this book has half the pages missing? What's up with that?

My best friend (who I haven't seen in 5 years) has cancelled on me the last 27 times we arranged to meet. Should I say something? (in this case there probably is no need!).

My boyfriend of 7 years says he wants to get married but not until he has more money, a bigger house / penis / job, and can afford to buy me a 10 diamond ring and we can pay for 300 people to attend the wedding. Oh, and only once he sees a unicorn / pig flying. I am 47 and want children. I think he is dragging his heels. Should I say something? (Of course, the usual genius advice is to propose to him because proposing to a man who might as well have a tattoo on his forehead saying "I do not want to marry you" is always going to go well).

27 members of my extended family stayed for Christmas. They all sat down day and night and "demanded" or "expected" that I keep making food and drinks and cleaning up afterwards and changing the beds and providing clean towels and driving them places. I am exhausted (or "on my knees" for dramatic effect). I can't say "no" to anything or they will be upset. I can't face this next year. What should I do?

I have been having chest pains for 2 years, my arms and legs have gone numb and I keep falling down. I don't want to bother the GP. Anyone know what this might be?

Me too.

I am still working on it.

For me, it's borne of a dysfunctional home with a narc mother who was prone to sudden foaming at the mouth rages if you said the wrong thing or slightly complained and got her on a bad day.

I have always had trouble with conflict, especially with women (I am a woman myself).

Totally agree with this.

I think assertiveness training should be taught in schools.

It may also help with problems with bullying too.

Not sure if anyone else has explained this already:

• a lot of the relationship problems you think "use your words" would be suitable for, are in fact abusive and posters are starting to piece things together, understand patterns and work out what they need to do. Using your words in an abusive relationship or with someone who is not mentally well is in fact pretty dangerous and can cause things to escalate to more severe abuse/violence/murder. If in all relationships we could all just use our words and problems would be solved, by discussion, that would be great - no one would react with violence or terror or threats - but sadly 'tisn't reality. The red flags can be very subtle and not obvious to people without personal experience or experience through work. Experienced advice can save lives and change lives so please don't knock it.

• where posters have been brought up in abusive homes where healthy relationships and healthy communication were not modelled, then again having kind and empathetic posters talk about different choices and different sorts of healthy ways of dealing with things is a godsend and can change lives for the better.

If you aren't prepared to make the tiniest effort to help yourself, you simply cannot be helped.

No, I disagree. Well, I don't actually, I agree but with a caveat.

The internal change needs to come first. I saw it with myself. I kept putting up with really poor treatment, excusing & supporting others who didn't deserve it. This is despite being perceived as a confident, able person.

It's all linked to one's own self-esteem & internal narrative. It's a slow process to change - MN advice can be excellent but it's not always possible to implement it as easily as some posters suggest.

Very good points 👏

Have never seen ‘use your words’, how have I missed that?

Great spot OP, I feel the same. @KinS24 made a good point that much of this stuff is for traffic. If 'just talk to each other' posts weren't posted MN would disappear

Entirely true, but it is almost always very evident after a few posts by the OP, which situations this is relevant to, and which are simply a result of uninterrogated learned behaviour and gendered socialisation.

Don't forget the problems that could be resolved by Googling.

My washing machine smells, should I send it back to the shop for a refund? I sat in chewing gum, how do I remove it? Is this a bed bug?

… that apart I think

Everyone likes a rant

Some people (women especially) are raised not to be assertive, so being told 60 million times to ask for the present you want is quite useful, eventually it will drip though

There are a fuck of a lot of people on here in abusive relationships, where they are so beaten down they couldn’t see a red flag if it was planted on their nose. 60 million posts saying you are in an abusive relationship is useful because it slowly drips through

Sometimes it is not about problem solving, but recognising one is indeed being a wanker. MN quite good at pointing that out.

So true. I suppose some people are just lazy.

Just to be clear, or those mentioning the difficulties in speaking up in abusive situations,the are really NOT the types of posts I am referring to, it is more the types of examples I used in my OP, the very (to me) straightforward situations which (for most, not all) simply required a response or short conversation, absolutely not abusive situations which are obviously much more complex.

Being unable to point out to a DH that you are still using an item, or looking at a battered Xmas gift and not commenting on it cannot be blamed on the "patriarchy" surely.

It’s the inability to ever say “no” that gets me. I appreciate that in an abusive relationship this would be difficult/impossible but that’s not what I’m talking about. It’s the smaller situations where someone just won’t say “no” but then moans about the outcome.

You do realise that most women are socialised to stfu? Yes, you do get assertive ones who've had a trauma free upbringing and have no hang ups and a healthy ego, but a lot of us haven't and struggle to ask for things and make our voices heard.

Or being annoyed at a festive farting husband. A very subtle form of abuse? Hmm...you could almost make a case!

I have to admit, I am that person who ties myself up in knots over this type of thing, I don't think I'd start a thread though as I know the answers I get. I would say in fact MN is very unsympathetic to people like this. They are told to grow a backbone or stop being a wet lettuce etc or openly ridiculed. Yet I see posts all the time about someone who doesn't want to go to a party or hates talking to the check out person and everyone talks about social anxiety or ND and no one tells them to just grow up and get over themselves. My point being that different social situations are difficult for different people. I could assert myself at work, talk to anyone in a social situation and am perceived as a confident outgoing person, but tell a person close to me what I think is literally the most terrifying thing I can think of. I have never been in an abusive situation and didn't have terribly domineering parents. I think its just the way I am. I trade on being 'nice' and I am generally very well liked, the thought of someone not liking me really upsets me, likewise the idea of someone in my life being angry with me is my worst nightmare. And if I assert myself they might feel angry because they are accustomed to me being the nice one. It's complicated and exhausting.

I trade on being 'nice' and I am generally very well liked, the thought of someone not liking me really upsets me, likewise the idea of someone in my life being angry with me is my worst nightmare.

See, if you started a thread about THAT, @Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong, you'd get more understanding replies.

And for everyone else, here's my favourite assertiveness primer: https://h2g2.com/edited_entry/A2998551

Thanks for this. Going to give it a good read after lunch. Most of these suggestions would never occur to me and if they did, I'd be too nervous to say them.

The 'Bill of Assertive Rights' in When I Say No, I Feel Guilty reads as follows:

1. You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
2. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behaviour.
3. You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems.
4. You have the right to change your mind.
5. You have the right to make mistakes - and be responsible for them.
6. You have the right to say, 'I don't know'.
7. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
8. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
9. You have the right to say, 'I don't understand'.
10. You have the right to say, 'I don't care'.

It would be sooooo freeing, if I could do even half of this!

That was exactly my upbringing. I had to work really hard to recognise the scripts I grew up with as unhelpful, and even harder to drop them. But ultimately, as adults, we’re responsible for working on ourselves and learning healthier behaviours, however much effort it takes.

Is 'use your mouth words ' less patronising?

Memories of childhood flooding back.

My mother was extremely volatile and temperamental. Dad was quieter. Mum eventually divorced him.

But being the eldest, on one of Mum's bad days, Dad would always say on going out the door "Look after your mother, be good for your mother". I was also used as my mother's confidante as she had no friends, so I was trained early on to keep it all together, help run the house, stop Mum flying into a rage, make things nice for my younger siblings, I just felt so RESPONSIBLE all the time.

Of course, that has carried on into adulthood and I take on responsibilities that simply aren't mine to carry. I have been reading a lot of stuff on codependence lately.

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong, few things make me happier than someone discovering (and learning) assertiveness!

I had that list on the inside of a kitchen cupboard door for some time.

The fact that you confused what I said with patriarchy indicates that no, you wouldn't necessarily be able to distinguish annoying dh behaviour in a healthy relationship, and an abusive relationship. Other people mentioned conditioned behaviour for women and patriarchy, I didn't. My points were about abuse and relationships.

Being unable to point out to a DH that you are still using an item, or looking at a battered Xmas gift and not commenting on it actually these could be abuse type situations, or not. You have an abusive dangerous narcissistic husbands, you do not simply point out that you are still using an item. No, not at all. And you wouldn't be wise to question a battered gift assertively and openly in some situations.

Sometimes being assertive is the right thing to do. Sometimes say nothing and run for the hills is the right thing to do.

And basically, whether you have a 5 year old not wanting to ask to go to the toilet or an adult who cannot communicate in a relationship, their problems might not be your problems, but are as real as your problems.

Being unable to point out to a DH that you are still using an item, or looking at a battered Xmas gift and not commenting on it cannot be blamed on the "patriarchy" surely.

You think that girls being brought up to be nice, conciliatory people-pleasers, and letting 'boys be boys' at the expense of their own needs or wishes is unrelated to the patriarchy. Ok then...