At least 50% of MN 'problems' could be solved

[Wishimaywishimight]

By people actually saying things out loud, and to the appropriate person, instead of seething, being livid or taking to their bed shaking and crying (and writing on MN of course). Sometimes I just find myself saying "FFS"! The sorts of things I mean;

DH keeps taking the (say) newspaper off me. Why? What should I do? Eh, say something? Doesn't have to be confrontational (some people cannot see a middle ground between remaining mute and thumping the other party); "I'm still reading it, I'll give it to you when I'm finished with it" might work.

I give my nieces thoughtful and loving gifts worth £100 each, my DSis gives my children books with half the pages missing. I haven't said anything. How do I deal with (or "navigate" 🙄) this? Um, how about "hey sis, this book has half the pages missing? What's up with that?

My best friend (who I haven't seen in 5 years) has cancelled on me the last 27 times we arranged to meet. Should I say something? (in this case there probably is no need!).

My boyfriend of 7 years says he wants to get married but not until he has more money, a bigger house / penis / job, and can afford to buy me a 10 diamond ring and we can pay for 300 people to attend the wedding. Oh, and only once he sees a unicorn / pig flying. I am 47 and want children. I think he is dragging his heels. Should I say something? (Of course, the usual genius advice is to propose to him because proposing to a man who might as well have a tattoo on his forehead saying "I do not want to marry you" is always going to go well).

27 members of my extended family stayed for Christmas. They all sat down day and night and "demanded" or "expected" that I keep making food and drinks and cleaning up afterwards and changing the beds and providing clean towels and driving them places. I am exhausted (or "on my knees" for dramatic effect). I can't say "no" to anything or they will be upset. I can't face this next year. What should I do?

I have been having chest pains for 2 years, my arms and legs have gone numb and I keep falling down. I don't want to bother the GP. Anyone know what this might be?

Great idea! I'll print the list you linked to out and put it somewhere prominent!

I'm an out of sight, out of mind person, so this will really help.

@Wishimaywishimight I think we could be great friends!

I started typing this post myself yesterday, then deleted it, as I couldn't get the tone right.

However, you @Wishimaywishimight have got the tone perfectly. I've been appalled reading MN over Christmas. So many women can't be a little assertive and tell the person being unreasonable that their behaviour is unreasonable. Or they think they should tolerate awful behaviour from their "D" H.

Blows my mind.

@Meadowflower2023 Always nice to hear 😊

My thread was meant to be (fairly) lighthearted - as evidenced by the mostly exaggerated examples in my OP. It has, in parts, moved on to discussions about abuse and the patriarchy which is fine of course but absolutely not where I saw it heading. I am a bit bored and was just having a bit of a laugh (in my own head - perhaps it should have stayed there!).

@Globules Thank you, I appreciate that. I was beginning to think my post had fallen completely flat and was not being received in the manner in which I had intended 😀

Agree with the others who are saying (summarised) that it’s not always that easy. For many MNetters it’s simply a case of saying X to get Y. For others, it’s far more complicated - in order to say X and then live with the fallout of Y you need to learn skills snd behaviours that other women have developed over years (or haven’t had to learn them in the first place because they haven’t lived with anything like the same level of craziness, power structures or vitriol).

MN is often the place where they can come to take the first steps towards developing those skills, which is why shouts of ‘OMG I can’t believe you wouldn’t just say X, I just call a spade a spade, me’ aren’t always helpful.

Nah, I get you @Wishimaywishimight

The amount of wet women who tolerate a regifted half bottle of perfume or a child's book with all the flaps gone rather than say anything.

Or moan on MN that no one helped them tidy up the mince pies at 4.45pm when it was decreed tidy up time.

Don't moan on MN woman, say something!

Yes. I am robust but I do adjust my comments when these things are clear

YANBU

Just this morning there’s a thread by someone whose SIL is pulling a face saying OP should have consulted her about a Christmas present for her child. The OP consulted her brother, SIL’s H, months ago, but for some reason the OP hasn’t said this to the SIL.

some threads have people commenting getting angry because they can’t find a suitable workable solution for the OP’s Impossibly difficult situation, or getting nasty with the OP because she won’t just up and leave her DH immediately on the dawning realisation that he’s an abusive twat., Other threads the OP is being utterly ridiculous and needs to grow up.

@Wishimaywishimight but would it be MN if you didn't get posters throwing in comments about abuse and patriarchy? Your original post didn't mention either of these but it's the same old story on here, people will look for things that aren't there. It's the same as people looking for offence when there is generally none intended. I read a post the other day about the band aid song and it blew my mind but confirmed my point that some people will just find offence anywhere.

It's almost impossible to have a lighthearted thread on MN these days.

You're right for most cases. However I was in an abusive relationship for a few years (my childhood was also crap and abusive) and sometimes I think people need the reassurance that a situation isn't right. For some women who've been worn down and told they deserve certain treatment having a bit of reassurance that their partner is infact the problem is invaluable.

Truth @Meadowflower2023

This makes two massive assumptions:

1. People find it as easy as you do to 'use their words'. This is erroneous because many people have been socialised out of being assertive and even been punished for saying what they want/feel etc.

2. The people they are being assertive to are as reasonable as people around you seem to be. Many people can turn it around on you and make you feel worse. Especially if you're the type of people-pleaser who attract those types.

It must be nice for you to be where you are where life seems so simple. But be grateful for that and use your skills to actually support people into dealing with situations better.

Or, you know, just roll your eyes and feel better than them...

@Meadowflower2023 Yep, lesson learned!

One of my NY resolutions is to get off my phone and read (or do other things) instead, I think this is definitely the way to go!

YES!

Yes, but if everybody followed your totally reasonable (IMO) advice, Justine and the folks at MNHQ would have to find honest jobs!

@IvIvorTheEngineDriver Well, that's true! Should I ask them to take down my thread (just for something to do)? 😁

I swear I could give the same advice to 99% "problems" in the Relationship section which is, "Calm your fanny, dear" 🙄😅

that is why I'll often be blunt and say "use your words" (or words to that effect). I often say the same thing in a less blunt way when it is clear the OP would struggle.

But we need to hear these things, see it written down, plenty of times to plant the tiny tiny seed of realisation to some people in truly abusive situations. That tiny seed might help, and if we don't write "use your words" (in a nicer way) some people might NEVER get that message.

Undoing centuries of the patriarchy one post at a time.

Yes but empathise a bit and don't shame people for not knowing it.

Do you get better at things when someone takes the piss? Or is it better if they explain it calmly and clearly?

I know what I prefer. The OP would obviously prefer to take the piss and feel superior. Don't know when that ever helps anyone but the other people who also like to feel superior.

seriously, don't tell me how to post.

Sometimes a thread, or a poster, has pages and pages of hand holding when what they need is to see, written down "what he is doing is not normal, and you don't have to put up with it" and start to grow that seed.

The case of the SIL with the tickets requires a "PICK UP THE PHONE AND TELL HER ONCE AND FOR ALL YOU CHECKED WITH DB AND THEN DROP IT"

it's all nuance.

And much as people will bitch and whine when the patriarchy gets a mention: well, it does need a mention. There are enough handmaidens here that need to see that in black and white.

That poster didn’t tell you how to post - there was no instruction to you at all.

Many years ago I was an avid reader of the relationships board, taking in all the "ducks in a row" advice I could find.

I didn't consciously realise it at the time, but I was learning how to leave my abusive ex. So thank you to all the MNers who give such helpful advice - think of the unseen readers.

Yes but empathise a bit and don't shame people for not knowing it.

I beg to differ. Especially when I SAID that i adjust how i say the thing.

In essence we are agreeing but i don't apreciate that kind of crap, thanks.

OP, this is Britain. You are expecting people to express emotion, this will not do!!