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Original poster

Was anyone else wanting an engagement ring but didn't get one?

129 replies

christmasshime · 27/12/2023 12:25

I was really hoping for an engagement ring from DP for Christmas. I did hint, we've spoken about getting married but he didn't get one or ask. We live together, have been together for 2.5 years. Haven't mentioned it to him as he did get me really nice things, plus he's got a bad cold so don't want to cause any negative feelings, but I am so disappointed. We were meant to plan a low-key wedding this year (2023) but didn't happen as I couldn't get him to commit to anything specific. Gutted. Anyone else in the same boat?

OP posts:
Raincloudsonasunnyday · 27/12/2023 13:21

Look, if YOU want to get married, this doesn’t sound like the man for you.

If you want to stay with this man, accept you won’t get married.

Neither is easy, but you can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to do. If you say yes/no/yes/no to something like getting married, that means NO. The reason it means no is because if you do manage to force him, each and every time you disagree about the partnership in the years ahead you’ll be dodging a “I never even wanted to get married in the first place, you made me/I did it for you” riposte from him. You know this.

So pick one. Married reluctantly, or together loosely. Or, happily married to someone else entirely.

Dartmoorcheffy · 27/12/2023 13:22

You have only been together a couple of years. That isn't really very long. Stop trying to rush him.

Blumarine · 27/12/2023 13:23

This is so sad. He clearly doesn’t want to marry you and you’re desperately waiting and pushing hoping he’ll change his mind. Don’t you want to be with someone who WANTS to marry you? Ditch this waster and go and find the guy who will be excited to marry you without having to be forced.

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grayhairdontcare · 27/12/2023 13:24

In the nicest possible way.
If you want to get married you need to find someone else. This man doesn't want to marry you!
If he married you to keep you happy then that's just a going through the motions, pity ceremony!

Blumarine · 27/12/2023 13:24

Dartmoorcheffy · 27/12/2023 13:22

You have only been together a couple of years. That isn't really very long. Stop trying to rush him.

Nearly three years isn’t a “rush”. it’s plenty of time to make a decision. Statistically if he doesn’t propose within three years he probably never will.

Rosiiee · 27/12/2023 13:25

@Blumarine is that an actual statistic?!

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 27/12/2023 13:27

I've just remembered that one night he said (not in an unkind way) that he doesn't care if we don't ever get married because he's committed to me, but he will do it if I want to.

I was going to enquire with registry offices. He agreed, so I did a few days later and said to him are you happy for me to book if I can get a date this year, he said he didn't want to talk about it right now.

—-
OP, do yourself a favour and look up the COUNTLESS threads by women who discovered (often years too late) their partners would never marry them. Their DP’s gave the same bullshit excuses as your partner.

Cut your losses now. If he wanted to marry you, he would’ve already proposed.

Dont fall victim to giving the best years of your life to an uncommitted man who knows how important marriage is TO YOU, but won’t do a thing to make it happen.

And please, DO NOT HAVE KIDS with him.

Dont be one of those who comes back to Mumsnet saying, “You were all correct. He didn’t want to marry me. Now we’ve broken up and 6 months later, he’s engaged to his new girlfriend.”

Rosiiee · 27/12/2023 13:27

@SleepingStandingUp idk. I see what you’re saying and it makes sense butttt the OP’s partner obviously doesn’t think they’re engaged (her words) despite the ‘planning’ of their 2023 wedding. He seems to be the kind of person who only considers himself engaged if he pops the question himself.

Maireas · 27/12/2023 13:28

Two and a half years is plenty of time for adults who live together to plan for the future.
I'm just going to repeat pp and say that he doesn't want to get married. He would have firmly agreed a date by now if it wasn't the case.

Chickenwing2 · 27/12/2023 13:29

My DH proposed after 8 years- I was ready after 3 and spent 5 years of hoping at every holiday & Christmas. At one point I discussed it with him & he said he would only propose if he felt ready to be married & at that point he wasn't sure. I'm glad he waited until he felt ready. My advice is to have a chat with him and don't let yourself be disappointed every special occasion.

gannett · 27/12/2023 13:30

christmasshime · 27/12/2023 13:01

@KThnxBye I didn't not tell him about it, it got to about October and I said we'd agreed to get married this year, he said there's still time so I said I was going to enquire with registry offices. He agreed, so I did a few days later and said to him are you happy for me to book if I can get a date this year, he said he didn't want to talk about it right now (to be fair, he did have something going on in his family) and I didn't bother bringing it up again because I knew I wouldn't be able to get it sorted for this year.

I don't understand why this plan you were in the middle of enacting fizzled out at "I didn't bother bringing it up again". So he has something going on in his family, has that been dealt with? If so you can continue as you were - looking for a registry office date like you'd both agreed to - for next year. 2023 ending doesn't mean your plan has to stop.

Maireas · 27/12/2023 13:31

You had 5 years of disappointments, @Chickenwing2 ? That's so sad. Why on earth did he drag it out so long?

heartofglass23 · 27/12/2023 13:31

He doesn't want to marry you.

He is happy with a free laundry and shagging service.

Birdcar · 27/12/2023 13:32

He said he's not bothered about getting married but will do it if you want to. You can take it that he's not going to do a romantic proposal or be involved in planning a wedding. It's not something he values so stop getting your hopes up. If you want it then you are going to have to propose to him. Be prepared, he might say no.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2023 13:32

heartofglass23 · 27/12/2023 13:31

He doesn't want to marry you.

He is happy with a free laundry and shagging service.

I never understand these posts. Maybe he does all the laundry. Presumably she enjoys shagging. Marriage isn’t payment for chores or sex.

CharlotteLightandDark · 27/12/2023 13:33

Dartmoorcheffy · 27/12/2023 13:22

You have only been together a couple of years. That isn't really very long. Stop trying to rush him.

This.

whats the big rush to get married?
it is pretty pointless these days other than from a financial perspective, but you can get around this anyway by eg not being a sahm and always having an independent income.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 27/12/2023 13:38

Chickenwing2 · 27/12/2023 13:29

My DH proposed after 8 years- I was ready after 3 and spent 5 years of hoping at every holiday & Christmas. At one point I discussed it with him & he said he would only propose if he felt ready to be married & at that point he wasn't sure. I'm glad he waited until he felt ready. My advice is to have a chat with him and don't let yourself be disappointed every special occasion.

This just sounds so sad. You effectively let someone else dictate your life for you and pushed your own wishes to the back of your mind.

Maireas · 27/12/2023 13:43

I know, @PorpoiseWithPurpose , I can never understand how engagements and marriage have reverted to being the man's decision again. It used to be a mutual agreement, now there are so many threads about women waiting for proposals. For years.

beetr00 · 27/12/2023 13:47

agree with @Dartmoorcheffy

"You have only been together a couple of years. That isn't really very long"

Sugarsun · 27/12/2023 13:49

I think most people would feel unhappy about getting engaged on Xmas.

I know I definitely wouldn’t propose on Xmas day and I’d be a bit annoyed if someone proposed to me on Xmas too.

I do think in a couple of weeks you need to discuss with him that you want to get married and you want him to propose with a ring in a romantic way.

Sometimes you have to spell it out to people.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/12/2023 13:52

You’ve had some really good advice already OP, the only thing I’d add is that there are lots of comments saying they also had to push their partner in the direction of marriage, had to set deadlines etc and that is great if it works for you. BUT, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a bit of romance and wanting your princess proposal moment, and if this isn’t the man who will give you that there is one out there who will! My mum, nanna, all of my friends always used to tell me that “those big romantic gestures only happen in the movies, don’t expect that in real life” and yet I found DH who surprised me and took me to Paris to propose infront of the Eiffel Tower, literally an absolute dream and a moment I’ll remember for the rest of my life. The best advice you can have is to remember that if he wanted to, he would. This man may not be the one for you, someone else out there will be!

Inkypot · 27/12/2023 13:52

@christmasshime I do remember that disappointment when I thought I would be proposed to and instead that didn't happen. However the difference is me and my then-BF had discussed marriage very early on in terms of it being something we both ultimately hoped for in our lives. He was always quite open about wanting to marry me so I did feel disheartened when he didn't propose on days like Christmas or Valentines. The reason for him waiting was just that he wanted to have enough money for a ring. He did propose just before our 3rd anniversary and we have been married over a decade now so it all worked out fine. But as your guy isn't bringing up conversations about marriage then I wonder if it's something he sees in his future with you or not. You need to have a clear conversation with him rather than bulldozing ahead with wedding plans.

scarletbell · 27/12/2023 13:53

Op if there are no kids between you then it may be that your precarious position is non existent, and understanding this may help with your feelings.

Jioyt · 27/12/2023 13:55

Chickenwing2 · 27/12/2023 13:29

My DH proposed after 8 years- I was ready after 3 and spent 5 years of hoping at every holiday & Christmas. At one point I discussed it with him & he said he would only propose if he felt ready to be married & at that point he wasn't sure. I'm glad he waited until he felt ready. My advice is to have a chat with him and don't let yourself be disappointed every special occasion.

I find this sad, even if it has a "happy ending" of you eventually getting what you wanted. Waiting 5 whole years for a man to propose? It would break something inside me that wouldn't make for a great partnership within the marriage. But good on you to have withstood the storm.

Ladyofthepond · 27/12/2023 14:00

He doesn't want to marry you.

The low key wedding was never going to happen. He said he'd be fine with it to keep the peace, then as soon as you go out and start planning this something comes up and he can't commit to it. I bet you anything he will keep giving you excuses as to why he doesn't want to discuss it.

Of course there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be married, but you do want to be. If the next time you speak to him about marriage he is still non-committal then I would be looking (in your shoes) at ending the relationship.

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