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Original poster

Was anyone else wanting an engagement ring but didn't get one?

129 replies

christmasshime · 27/12/2023 12:25

I was really hoping for an engagement ring from DP for Christmas. I did hint, we've spoken about getting married but he didn't get one or ask. We live together, have been together for 2.5 years. Haven't mentioned it to him as he did get me really nice things, plus he's got a bad cold so don't want to cause any negative feelings, but I am so disappointed. We were meant to plan a low-key wedding this year (2023) but didn't happen as I couldn't get him to commit to anything specific. Gutted. Anyone else in the same boat?

OP posts:
Chickpea17 · 27/12/2023 12:50

It doesn’t sound like he wants to marry you sorry to say.

caringcarer · 27/12/2023 12:50

If you are already living together he sees no advantage to getting married. He'll just string you along until you either get fed up of waiting for him and leave or ask him and find out. Valentines day ask him.

Floralnomad · 27/12/2023 12:50

You need to just ask him if he wants to marry you because unfortunately it doesn’t sound like he does . If that is an issue for you then move on . Don’t waste lots of years on someone who isn’t heading in the same direction

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scarletbell · 27/12/2023 12:51

We were meant to plan a low-key wedding this year (2023) but didn't happen as I couldn't get him to commit to anything specific

Do you mean, you wanted to plan a low key wedding this year but couldn't get him to commit to anything? I really don't think there's any "we" here OP.

Rosiiee · 27/12/2023 12:51

@User56785 because an engagement is an agreement. It’s someone asking a question and one person agreeing. It is to me anyway. It doesn’t sound like their 2023 plans were set in stone. They were ‘meant to plan’- how is that an engagement?

Lampzade · 27/12/2023 12:52

He doesn’t want to marry you

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2023 12:54

Rosiiee · 27/12/2023 12:45

I don’t really get this ‘oh you talked about marriage so you’re engaged’ thing. My high school boyfriend and I talked about what kind of wedding we’d want, what age we’d want it at, and all wedding talk but that certainly didn’t mean we were engaged?

Sorry OP I’m not much help. If it were me I’d wait a couple of days to digest my disappointment and then bring it up with him and ask him what the deal is with the 2023 ceremony and if you’re moving ahead with it.

There's a difference between lying on the bed in your parents home naming your 5 kids and actively ttc.
Just like there's a difference between two teenagers daydreaming about a one day wedding and two commited adults agreeing to plan a wedding in the next 12 months

KThnxBye · 27/12/2023 12:55

You were planning a wedding for this year. As in, not talking to each other about wanting to get married to someone vague at some theoretical point in the future, but actually, physically, planning, to marry, each other, this year. 2023. I’m assuming that means thinking about dates, venues and guests for an actual wedding you’ve agreed to have. That is pretty much the definition of being engaged to be married?

Or am I misunderstanding something major, like you planned a wedding and didn’t tell him about it?

Original poster
christmasshime · 27/12/2023 12:58

Sorry if this is a drip feed, my head is a bit all over the place, so please forgive me, but I've just remembered that one night he said (not in an unkind way) that he doesn't care if we don't ever get married because he's committed to me, but he will do it if I want to. I made it clear that I do want to so he agreed to. If anyone's wondering why, it's partly for the romance side of it but also not ignoring the very precarious situation I am in should he die or something happened.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 27/12/2023 12:59

We were meant to plan a low-key wedding this year

"We were meant to" is a very odd turn of phrase. What do you actually mean? What was discussed for you to think he wanted to marry you?

Secondly, don't focus on a ring. A ring in itself is meaningless. So many stories here of women who have been 'engaged', with a ring, for many years, often including having children.

Sometimes they've given up work, are not on the house deeds, and have made themselves completely dependent on a man who has no intention of marrying them. Don't become one of them!

LadyBird1973 · 27/12/2023 12:59

Don't waste years of your life with a man who doesn't want what you want. You deserve to be with someone who really wants to marry you, since marriage is important to you.

He knows that you want to get married and he's had long enough to know whether he wants a forever relationship with you.

SoupDragon · 27/12/2023 13:01

Propose to him if you want to get married.

Original poster
christmasshime · 27/12/2023 13:01

@KThnxBye I didn't not tell him about it, it got to about October and I said we'd agreed to get married this year, he said there's still time so I said I was going to enquire with registry offices. He agreed, so I did a few days later and said to him are you happy for me to book if I can get a date this year, he said he didn't want to talk about it right now (to be fair, he did have something going on in his family) and I didn't bother bringing it up again because I knew I wouldn't be able to get it sorted for this year.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 27/12/2023 13:01

Oh dear. Cross-posted. Can you tell us more about the very precarious situation I am in should he die or something happened? Maybe we can help you get out of this mess...

GreatGateauxsby · 27/12/2023 13:05

We were meant to plan a low-key wedding this year (2023) I couldnt get him to commit.

Let's unpack THIS more...

Because from the limited info supplied here, you want to marry and he doesn't want to marry you.

If he does want to marry you but can't get his act together then (Unpopular opinion?) I like deadlines. it focuses the mind and gives parameters.

I gave my DH a very clear time frame
Approx it went like....
"I know you want to propose on your own timeline that's fine. It's June now. If we are not engaged by end of the year and do not have a date for the wedding by end of Feb I will take that as a clear sign.
At that point we will need to sit down and discuss our future because it's important we are on the same page."

He proposed at Christmas eve, we set the date (october same year) on 20th Feb.

mrmagpie · 27/12/2023 13:08

NearlyMonday · 27/12/2023 12:49

I had to give my first husband a huge shove to get married. It backfired spectacularly.

Indeed. So did I.

I did get the ring and we got married. The actual marriage lasted less than two years.

If someone doesn't want to marry you OP, you can't make them, and if you do there is a high chance it will be a mistake. I'm sorry it's rotten to feel so disappointed but I'd be having a very frank conversation at this point (no hinting, put your big girl pants on and have an actual discussion) and if the outcome is that he doesn't want to get married, then that's your answer and you can move on.

KThnxBye · 27/12/2023 13:09

OK, that’s clearer.

Youd agreed to get married, you’d agreed on this year, you’d agreed to look at the registry office dates, I’m not sure what you’d call that other than engaged to be married?

Im sorry you are disappointed and being in a precarious position doesn’t sound good, but I think some of your disappointment might be coming from the fact you are already engaged, and as such, he may well have no idea that you are wanting a ring and proposal now, several months down the line from becoming engaged and in fact, after the date when you’d suggested you actually marry? It seems like planning a baby after already giving birth.

mrmagpie · 27/12/2023 13:11

What is the precarious position? How old are you and are there kids? Those factors make a difference.

Jacfrost · 27/12/2023 13:12

christmasshime · 27/12/2023 12:40

He definitely doesn't see us as engaged @Jacfrost

Eh? But you had agreed to get married this year?

It's very confusing

MistletoeandJd · 27/12/2023 13:15

It seems he doesn't really believe marriage is essential by this theory you won't be getting an engagement ring. Ask him today if you should book registry office for early spring if he declines again he literally doesn't want to marry you.

Chilicabbage · 27/12/2023 13:15

You do not need proposal and a ring since you already spokeabout dates for wedding. There is no need for proposal really. The answer is yes, you already wanted to plan it etc. It's just illogical then.

What you need is someone who will actually want to set the date and marry....

CaramelMac · 27/12/2023 13:16

I think a lot of men think they’d like to get married ‘eventually’ but they see themselves as being married, rather than realising to get to that point they have to actually have a wedding and that will involve some action on their part.

I had to tell my now husband that if he wanted to be married then we’d have to buy a ring and set a date within the year otherwise I’d have to find someone else before I was too old. It was only at that point he realised I was serious.

Seas164 · 27/12/2023 13:18

Have a look on Gumtree and see how many engagement rings are for sale. A ring won't put you in a better position than you are now without one, it's a peice of jewelry not a love spell.

I think that you seem to have a massive lack of communication between you, and that's a death knell for a relationship. If you can't pull it together to be on the same page on this, how do you see the rest of your lives together negotiating the difficult stuff of life as it crops up? You can't spend your life hopping about on eggshells because he's got a cold/something else going on.

Personally I wouldn't be interested in strong arming a man in to marriage, he's showing you clearly how interested he is. I think it's time to be very honest with yourself about what you want and if you're going to find it with him, ring or not.

mnahmnah · 27/12/2023 13:18

You shouldn’t have to persuade someone into marriage. Or discuss it, agree, then avoid it, then it doesn’t go any further.

it should really be a case of ‘will you marry me?’ ‘Yes’. Look at dates and venues. Book it. Both of you, happily.

GnomeDePlume · 27/12/2023 13:20

christmasshime · 27/12/2023 12:58

Sorry if this is a drip feed, my head is a bit all over the place, so please forgive me, but I've just remembered that one night he said (not in an unkind way) that he doesn't care if we don't ever get married because he's committed to me, but he will do it if I want to. I made it clear that I do want to so he agreed to. If anyone's wondering why, it's partly for the romance side of it but also not ignoring the very precarious situation I am in should he die or something happened.

My DP felt like that. We were in the process of buying a house and chatting about my DB's wedding.

While washing up I said 'shall we do it then'. He said 'yes'. No ring, no romantic proposal. Some weeks later we had a Register Office ceremony followed by a posh lunch.

We have been married 32 years. DH is now very much in favour of marriage!