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Original poster

Don't know who is at fault here...me/DH or sister

128 replies

Rioja81 · 26/12/2023 20:15

There's a lot of back story that'll take too long. But to summarise, I'm the older sister,arrived with a number of children. Younger sister is single and has recently (a couple of years ago) had some fairly serious health issues. Totally fine now. We get on ok, are a close family but sister and I aren't very close, we are very different characters and there is a lot of 'water under the bridge '.

Because of this water, DH isn't her biggest fan, but he is welcoming to her and was very supportive during her illness etc.

Anyway. We were hosting this year, sister and my parents (they love 5 mins away, she has a room there but lives elsewhere).

Parents hinted that she would like to stay with us Christmas Eve, I said that wouldn't work as we don't have the space. To be honest, we also don't have the kind of 'easy' relaxed relationship where I would want her to stay over if not necessary, I knew that we would all be together from the Sat through till Monday anyway and DH and I could do with time to decompress without her there.

So we have them round on the Saturday for drinks etc, halfway through she asks again if she can stay over (but in a really wheedling tone, it was very obviously done in front of the kids and my parents to make it harder to say no). Again, I say that won't work for us for various logistical reasons.

She got tearful, disappeared for 10 mins or so, then we all carried on. Then she asked me to go elsewhere with her for a chat away from DH etc, and basically had a bit of a tantrum. A lot of tears, and accusations of my being cold, closed off, unsupportive, she might go to her grave without seeing any children opening stockings etc. Eventually I cave, as I always do. DH overhears, and says in front of my parents that this always happens, tears to get her own way. I beg him to just give in for my sake, as the tension and inevitable recriminations on me are too much to take at Christmas. Which he does, gracefully. Tells her it'll be fine etc.

Dad is looking disapproving (of me), she is still sniffing, telling me I'm not a good big sister etc in effect.

Christmas eve, very tense, feel like shit all day. Eve comes, she says that she won't stay as she can tell she isn't wanted. I suggest coming first thing to join in stockings, which she does.

Day passes ok, the vibe is still very much that we have done her wrong.

So today we are doing our own thing, she goes home. DH and I decide last minute to take kids to a boxing day thing in the morning. She hears, sends a sarky text message along the lines of "thanks so much for my invitation etc". And then asks whether "all that tension yesterday was all because her emotions were triggered 🤷"

I am so in the FOG in this relationship that I don't know whether I am a bad sister, DH is a bad BIL or whether her behaviour is unreasonable. I'm not strong enough for AIBU as this pattern has been a regular occurrence in my life. What do you all think?

Parents are being very short with me today so I think I'm on the naughty list there too.

OP posts:

PlacidPenelope · 26/12/2023 23:07

Rioja81 · 26/12/2023 22:19

It’s so hard though isn’t it, how do you know when someone is crying because they’re overwhelmed and have been wronged and not just being manipulative? Because she was genuinely really upset.

You are clinging onto to the genuinely upset to avoid seeing what she is really doing which is manipulating you because she wasn't going to get her own way. She knows you will give in hence the tantrums, pity party and waterworks, also knows that your parents will apply the pressure too.

Your DH is right, he has a clear eyed view not obscured by emotional baggage.

Eve comes, she says that she won't stay as she can tell she isn't wanted. Pile the guilt on you.

She hears, sends a sarky text message along the lines of "thanks so much for my invitation etc". And then asks whether "all that tension yesterday was all because her emotions were triggered 🤷" And another load of guilt for you to pack on your back.

Stop this cycle fgs, listen to your husband, he has your back and your best interests at heart.

ColleenDonaghy · 26/12/2023 23:47

Rioja81 · 26/12/2023 22:19

It’s so hard though isn’t it, how do you know when someone is crying because they’re overwhelmed and have been wronged and not just being manipulative? Because she was genuinely really upset.

It doesn't actually matter. I bet you're regularly upset or annoyed without crying and wailing about it. I'm sure you also don't expect the world to bend to fix your disappointments.

Your sister doesn't actually have more feelings than you, she just doesn't temper them at all. That doesn't make her feelings more important than yours.

I have a sister like this, and a husband like yours. The build up to our wedding was awful, several full on rows. Eventually I said to my parents that actually I had been very upset by the whole thing as well but no one seemed to give a shit. That I was sick of my feelings coming bottom of the pile because they were quieter. I think that helped a little.

Let me guess, this was the pattern when you were kids? You'd bicker in the normal sibling way but then she'd go wailing to the nearest adult and so get her way?

Time to stand up for yourself. Listen to your DH and distance yourself from your sister. If your family ask why, tell them it's because you're sick of her behaviour.

user1464279374 · 26/12/2023 23:53

I've been in your position many times with my own sister and it's such a familiar dynamic - the golden child/scapegoat thing is definitely what's going on. It's hard but boundaries are the only way and it took me ages to learn. But fundamentally, with the dynamic as it is, and while she is unhappy with her life, you will bear the brunt. Obviously family is important but your top priority is your own husband and kids. So boundaries have to be in place!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Original poster

Rioja81 · 27/12/2023 08:26

This has been really enlightening, thank you all. When I posted I either wasn’t expecting many responses (a bit of an essay) or to be told that not inviting my sister to stay etc was cruel.

It is interesting because I know that as we have got older my parents have got a little more aware of it and on the whole we get on very well, it is only when my and her needs/wants differ that difficulties arise. In hindsight, I think it always has felt like it is 3 against 1, I certainly couldn’t talk to them about feeling hurt by her actions. I have always been the mean big sister and so it is hard to separate in which bits I am actually wrong. So this is the first time my parents haven’t actively joined in with her, but they probably wouldn’t in front of the kids, but I can tell by the level of contact/tone of contact since that they are not happy. It’s hard as we live nearby and the kids are used to seeing them.

Over the years I have felt that dh is wrong etc, been protective/defensive of family. However looking at it objectively, he has strong, supportive relationships with all of his multiple siblings, as he did with his late parents. Maybe he is more right than I thought.

I think the text yesterday was the topper for me actually, the expectation that she should be invited everywhere regardless of behaviour, and the phrasing of “all because my emotions got triggered” is very passive, something that was done to her as against something she did. No apology etc. Which she genuinely won’t feel is necessary obviously.

So this has been a useful exercise for me, if a little painful. Thank you all.

OP posts:

ohdamnitjanet · 27/12/2023 08:31

She’s nuts, your parents are trouble makers, your husband is awesome, and you sound fab. Who on earth invites themselves to stay on Christmas Eve? Incredibly entitled and rude.

ColleenDonaghy · 27/12/2023 08:37

Seriously, listen to your DH, he has your back and a better reading of your family dynamics I think.

Sparkletastic · 27/12/2023 09:06

Not impressed by your sister using therapy-speak to dismiss her own bad behaviour.

Original poster

Rioja81 · 27/12/2023 09:37

That's it isn't it, very therapy speak.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 27/12/2023 09:46

Her emotions may have been triggered, but successful therapy is supposed to give her strategies for managing her reactions so they don’t negatively affect her and others.

It’s not you.

Piscesmumma1978 · 27/12/2023 09:52

What a spoilt brat!! Your parents are making it worse.

Your husband is right. There is no way I'd have someone like that in my house over Christmas ruining it all.

familyissues12345 · 27/12/2023 10:40

Agree with the majority, listen to your DH - he's talking sense!

Lollypop701 · 27/12/2023 11:27

Of course sis was very upset, she wasn’t getting her own way and tears got her what she wanted and as a plus the tears meant her parents felt sorry for her and you got the blame. Again.

you have a parent problem, they expect you to give in to sis wants even if it goes against your needs. Because sis was I’ll/can’t have kids and it’s easier for them. You need to decide what you want and stay strong, if they choose to punish you for putting yourself first occasionally then you need to have a conversation with them. Be prepared for them to sulk but I don’t think they will sulk for ever and loose grandkids… and if they do it tells you all you need to know

Spottywombat · 27/12/2023 11:52

DP want a quiet life, so outsource soothing bratish behaviour to you.

Original poster

Rioja81 · 27/12/2023 12:22

My parents are in a very difficult position tbh. They're very enmeshed despite living apart, m+d will make phone calls, arrange insurance for her, sort out solicitors etc for house buying, be the point of contact etc. sister has a very responsible and fairly high powered job (in same field dad was in) so is by no means helpless, I think they are filling the role a partner might otherwise take, in their minds. So she relies on them heavily emotionally and practically, but if she feels they are expressing an opinion or whatever that she doesn't agree with she gets quite cross with them and tell them they're interfering, so they tend to keep their mouths shut.

I don't need or want that help, though I'm sure they would happily give it. However despite being bright I've never achieved as much as her (ADHD and then kids) although DH and I have a successful business and work hard. She has changed jobs lots of times but stayed in a similar field, but I'm seen as a bit of a flake I think l, never stick at anything else.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rioja81 · 27/12/2023 12:31

And as the saying goes, you're only ever as happy as your least happy child. So they want her to be happy 🤷

OP posts:

Bestyearever2024 · 27/12/2023 12:35

I do believe that it makes no difference if someone is genuinely sad or being princess sad.....both are unreasonable when used to try to get what you want

Ignore your sisters manipulation, at all times

Prioritise your husband, your children and yourself, at all times

LoobyDop · 27/12/2023 13:03

Rioja81 · 27/12/2023 12:31

And as the saying goes, you're only ever as happy as your least happy child. So they want her to be happy 🤷

I hate that saying, it’s so needy and manipulative.

ColleenDonaghy · 27/12/2023 13:09

Rioja81 · 27/12/2023 12:31

And as the saying goes, you're only ever as happy as your least happy child. So they want her to be happy 🤷

And your happiness? Were you happy over Christmas? Did they notice your unhappiness or just the loud kind?

Comtesse · 27/12/2023 13:28

I would be spending next Christmas with your DH’s family. Honestly, what a load of crap from your parents and sister.

Original poster

Rioja81 · 27/12/2023 13:33

We have already discussed going away next year 😂

OP posts:

SeaToSki · 27/12/2023 13:36

You can tell when someone is crying to manipulate you because they are also asking for something alongside the tears (mostly, as the odd huge come to god conversation I need you to change xzy can also generate some tears) and it happens this way repeatedly. Having a cry can be a healthy way to process feelings; but if being used to do this, is an inward looking process, not a splash my tears all over anyone in the fall out zone process. Think about how you act if you need a cry, do you bawl, stamp your feet and demand that someone else change what they are doing so that you wont need to cry at them again? Or do you find a quiet spot, cry, shuddery deep breath and then have a think about what you can or cant do to change the situation/resolve things/cope going forward….

Bestyearever2024 · 27/12/2023 13:39

Rioja81 · 27/12/2023 13:33

We have already discussed going away next year 😂

And when MS (manipulative sister) asks to come along too, you say NO and you keep saying NO even when she cries and even if you feel sorry for her - say NO

Gardeningtime · 27/12/2023 13:47

I think you’re right to place your boundaries and stick to them. I also think she’s being emotionally manipulative, maybe not on purpose, just that’s her emotions. But I also think it’s clear you don’t like her and I’m not sure she quite realises that you don’t and don’t want her there.

I think this is where it is falling apart, where the disconnect is. She does like you. She likes your children, she didn’t want to be alone. And wanted to wake up to that family joy on Xmas day, not realising you don’t like her and don’t want her there.

its impossible to tell her that without major warfare. So I think you need to really distance yourself

Greatdomestic · 27/12/2023 14:52

Hi Op

I agree with the majority, your sister will try whatever tactics she needs to get whatever she wants.

You recognise that your parents enable her dreadful behaviour as it makes life easier for them. But not for you.

Did you respond to her snarky text?

Does she ever suggest outings etc, or does she just expect to insert herself into any plan/arrangement?

Your husband has her measure. How old is she incidentally?

Original poster

Rioja81 · 27/12/2023 14:58

I did reply, and tried not to engage. I didn't pick up on the snark about the event on first read, so just said that I hadn't really picked up on anything and thought it had been a nice day. When I noticed the bit about the event I said I didn't appreciate her sarcasm, that I was allowed to make my own arrangements, and we had only decided to go at short notice anyway.

She's 40 and I'm nigh on 43.

She does sometimes suggest things, but rarely and very much has her won life where she lives. She does expect to be included in whatever we are doing by default when she is visiting my parents.

OP posts:

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