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Original poster

Don't know who is at fault here...me/DH or sister

128 replies

Rioja81 · 26/12/2023 20:15

There's a lot of back story that'll take too long. But to summarise, I'm the older sister,arrived with a number of children. Younger sister is single and has recently (a couple of years ago) had some fairly serious health issues. Totally fine now. We get on ok, are a close family but sister and I aren't very close, we are very different characters and there is a lot of 'water under the bridge '.

Because of this water, DH isn't her biggest fan, but he is welcoming to her and was very supportive during her illness etc.

Anyway. We were hosting this year, sister and my parents (they love 5 mins away, she has a room there but lives elsewhere).

Parents hinted that she would like to stay with us Christmas Eve, I said that wouldn't work as we don't have the space. To be honest, we also don't have the kind of 'easy' relaxed relationship where I would want her to stay over if not necessary, I knew that we would all be together from the Sat through till Monday anyway and DH and I could do with time to decompress without her there.

So we have them round on the Saturday for drinks etc, halfway through she asks again if she can stay over (but in a really wheedling tone, it was very obviously done in front of the kids and my parents to make it harder to say no). Again, I say that won't work for us for various logistical reasons.

She got tearful, disappeared for 10 mins or so, then we all carried on. Then she asked me to go elsewhere with her for a chat away from DH etc, and basically had a bit of a tantrum. A lot of tears, and accusations of my being cold, closed off, unsupportive, she might go to her grave without seeing any children opening stockings etc. Eventually I cave, as I always do. DH overhears, and says in front of my parents that this always happens, tears to get her own way. I beg him to just give in for my sake, as the tension and inevitable recriminations on me are too much to take at Christmas. Which he does, gracefully. Tells her it'll be fine etc.

Dad is looking disapproving (of me), she is still sniffing, telling me I'm not a good big sister etc in effect.

Christmas eve, very tense, feel like shit all day. Eve comes, she says that she won't stay as she can tell she isn't wanted. I suggest coming first thing to join in stockings, which she does.

Day passes ok, the vibe is still very much that we have done her wrong.

So today we are doing our own thing, she goes home. DH and I decide last minute to take kids to a boxing day thing in the morning. She hears, sends a sarky text message along the lines of "thanks so much for my invitation etc". And then asks whether "all that tension yesterday was all because her emotions were triggered 🤷"

I am so in the FOG in this relationship that I don't know whether I am a bad sister, DH is a bad BIL or whether her behaviour is unreasonable. I'm not strong enough for AIBU as this pattern has been a regular occurrence in my life. What do you all think?

Parents are being very short with me today so I think I'm on the naughty list there too.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 26/12/2023 21:25

Olika · 26/12/2023 21:01

There was no need for your sister to stay as she has a room at your parents who live nearby. When you and your DH decide something, you should stick to it. Stop letting your sister and parents quilt trip you.

This.

You've also said there is a clear pattern of her crying and you giving in.
You've acknowledged this here. You need to remember it next time.
When she asked to speak to you alone, you say "No, there is no need. You've asked me once and I said no. You are trying to manipulate me here in front of the children and I've said no again. Why would you possibly need to drag me away from my family again to ask me the same question? The answer is no. It doesn't work for us."
Don't leave yourself vulnerable to her, as you are aware she is manipulating you when she gets you alone.

confusedlots · 26/12/2023 21:29

You did well to set boundaries and I think it sounds like you have a very supportive DH.

I don't get on at all with my sister, unfortunately this has only really been in the past year or so and I don't really know what has happened, but she is so rude and patronising to me, I find it very difficult to be around her.

She and her family are coming to visit later in the week and I am dreading it. But I try my best to grin and bear it for the sake of the kids who love spending time with their cousins. Thankfully she'd never want to stay over at my house because she really doesn't like spending time with me!

I know how hard it is, especially at Christmas time when everyone else looks like they're having idyllic family gatherings, and you're dealing with all the emotions of difficult family relationships. Go easy on yourself and don't let yourself feel guilty, these are her issues and nothing at all that you have any control over

Aquamarine1029 · 26/12/2023 21:30

Dad is looking disapproving (of me)

Because we are nearby I visited every day, had my dad with us every day for dinner etc, made the practical arrangements etc, chased doctors blah blah blah.

Makes perfect sense. Your Dad is mad at you, not because he actually cares about your sister's feelings, it's because he doesn't want to deal with your sister, either. He thinks that's your job.

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Moonshine5 · 26/12/2023 21:34

NewYearNewMeBullshit · 26/12/2023 20:37

You have a good husband

Yes and great username @NewYearNewMeBullshit

Spottywombat · 26/12/2023 21:36

Prioritise your dh.

gavisconismyfriend · 26/12/2023 21:42

Your parents are as much the problem here, if not more so. Seems like your sister is the golden child and you’re the scapegoat. It seems she is the centre of her world and your parents, and she doesn’t like that she isn’t the centre of yours. It probably doesn’t matter how many times you give into her demands, there will always be new ones. Once you accept that whatever you do will never be enough/right, it becomes a bit easier to draw your boundaries and stick to them. Your DH sounds like a wise man, heed his counsel on this one and let him step in and enforce the boundaries when you’re finding it hard.

GreatGateauxsby · 26/12/2023 21:46

There was no need for your sister to stay as she has a room at your parents who live nearby.

Agreed. it makes no logical sense and is about indulging her whims and pretend life where issue instant of the year and gets to usurp you in your own house at Christmas…

your sister reads as awful and totally manipulative. And your parents are well trained.

Your DH seems to have the measure of her and you should listen to him.

Sceptre86 · 26/12/2023 21:49

Your dh didn't deserve to be undermined. You should have said no and stuck to it. She didn't have to go to her grave without seeing kids open a stocking as you offered an alternative of coming in the morning. Plus could she be any more dramatic? Your parents pander to her and always will. You are an adult, living in your own home and don't have to. Either you gain the confidence to stick to your guns and also challenge why you ate on your parent's naughty list and that you've had enough of their behaviour all round or you just accept this and quietly seethe, allowing the resentment to build.

For what it's worth I have a sister who sometimes behaves in a similar fashion.My parents enable her behaviour, more specifically my mum. I don't put up with it and we are lc. I am very clear with my parents that whilst they pander to her, I will not. They know where they stand and not to push my boundaries and that works well for all of us.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 26/12/2023 21:49

Yabu only if your dsis is 10...
Your dh is a good egg.

Codlingmoths · 26/12/2023 21:53

I’m glad your husband supports you, and I wish your parents appreciated you a little more. Please can you not host them next Christmas? You can say to your parents you all seemed mad at me last Christmas and I’m not hosting for days for everyone to be off with me. If you host we’d love to come. Let them realise that you won’t just always do everything for them no matter what and they get to thank you by telling you to be nicer to your sister.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 26/12/2023 21:55

I feel bad for your DH, having his Christmas so invaded by people he doesn't like and having to watch you be made miserable so unfairly.
I think he deserves the consideration of you getting rid of them at Christmas time and you deserve some therapy to see through the FOG.

BrimfulOfMash · 26/12/2023 22:03

Your sister is a manipulative drama queen and your parents enable her.

Good grief!

Firsttimemum120 · 26/12/2023 22:03

You and your partner aren't the problem your sister is. Last Christmas I didn't want to wake alone with my 1 year old as the year prior I was at my mums. She let me stay. This year I stayed at my own place but had taken all my presents down to my mums so I could take my daughter there to open hers ( we don't have a tree, we are moving out shortly). It's a sister problem not a you problem. She doesn't have her own life so wants to impose on yours selfishly. While I understand no one wants to be lonely she also has to understand her place.

wildwestpioneer · 26/12/2023 22:09

Your sister is the issue here and your parents enable her. Your dh is the only one that isn't in the wrong.

SeaToSki · 26/12/2023 22:14

Just as a rule of thumb, I think that anyone from the age of 3 yrs up that uses tears in a conversation as a way to try and change someone’s mind is being manipulative and needs to take a good hard look at themselves.

Original poster
Rioja81 · 26/12/2023 22:19

It’s so hard though isn’t it, how do you know when someone is crying because they’re overwhelmed and have been wronged and not just being manipulative? Because she was genuinely really upset.

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 26/12/2023 22:20

Learn some skills- grey rock will help (google it), also delaying tactics.

She’s always putting you on the spot, trying to coerce you into her plans. Just push back a bit on responding. Get routinely vague -
oh, I’ll have to check
um, not sure, let me think
gosh, that’s a change of plan. I’ll need to see if it works…

Then need the loo/make a drink etc to get yourself more time. Then and only then come back with ‘no, sorry, we’ve been invited out/I need an early night/it’s a day with a y in it.

You’ll get the hang of it really fast and it will frustrate her various tactics.

See also ‘yes, but don’t start crying to try to stay another night’. ‘You can come tomorrow at 4, but only if you don’t cry!’

Cherrysoup · 26/12/2023 22:22

Why do your parents enable her? Is she a suicide risk? Your Dh was right to back you up, why did you allow her to manipulate you? I presume you realise she is manipulating you? Tears and tantrums from a grown up are so controlling. I don’t see why you should have to invite her on outings with your dc.

I think speaking to your parents is key, they can’t be so cold when you are very much entitled to say no to her, she isn’t your responsibility and she could have stayed at your parents’. Why should you let her stay over when you don’t want to? And honestly, how can she turn on the tears and beg like she’s 5? I find this pretty horrific.

pickledandpuzzled · 26/12/2023 22:23

Rioja81 · 26/12/2023 22:19

It’s so hard though isn’t it, how do you know when someone is crying because they’re overwhelmed and have been wronged and not just being manipulative? Because she was genuinely really upset.

It doesn’t matter how genuinely she’s upset.

She’s upset you have a family- will you give yours away? Upset you have 5 fingers- will you chop one off? Can she move in with you, because she’s upset she’s single?

She can’t have everything she wants to avoid being upset.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 26/12/2023 22:30

She sounds like an unresolved teenager and your parents are enabling her.

PenguinFlipper · 26/12/2023 22:30

I'm sorry OP, you've been cast as the problem one / scapegoat and your sister is the golden child. Once those family dynamics are set, they are hard to change even if ( or especially if!) you're the helpful, hardworking sensible one, and the drama chaos llamas are the golden children who, according to family lore, need "special" treatment/ handling etc.. Grey rock is right - I'm my family's scapegoat despite being the only one with family, house, job, so I'm VLC and just roll my eyes at their drama. Your sister is a nob.

I've got my own life to get on with, I don't want to star in the drama of someone else's, particularly not people who've cast me as the villain! Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Birdcar · 26/12/2023 22:33

Your sister has problems. They are not your fault and you can't fix them. Nothing you do is going to make her happy but you'll make everyone else miserable in the process of trying. I think you have to find a way to stop feeling responsible. She's going to do what she's going to do regardless of how hard you try.

UndertheCedartree · 26/12/2023 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Not a nice way to refer to people with a mental illness, imo

Neitheronethingnortheother · 26/12/2023 22:41

Your children are not a plaything she gets to have a tantrum over if she doesnt get the time with them that she wants and your parents don't get to force you to share them like toys either

I say this as someone who desperately wanted and cannot have children. Both your parents and your sister are out of order.

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