To think MIL is trying to fat shame me

[Workeronabreak]

I had a baby 3 months ago and I gained 4 stone. I’m still trying to lose the last 19 pound. I’m still up a dress size from pre preg but in general I’m fine and I don’t care about the weight gain as my baby is healthy.
MIL has made the odd comments about my weight since the birth, I ignored it and said it’ll come off eventually but I’m not in a rush. DH is supportive tells me I’m beautiful etc so no low self esteem or anything.
So for Christmas every one got a jumper, pjs and chocolates (all of her children, their partners and children). For me she bought size 22 knowing full well I’m size 14 /16 at the moment. She also didn’t get me any chocolates. Normally I don’t care about this sort of thing but the blatant leaving me out was obvious as everyone opened gifts together in the room, one at a time. No one made any comments when I was skipped at the chocolate opening part and I acted like I didn’t care. DH made out like his chocolates were for us both to share, to try and make the situation easier on me.
It isn’t even about the rude sizing or no chocolates as I’m not an ungrateful person, it’s the more I’ve sat and thought, I’ve realised she’s clearly saying I’m fat and that I shouldn’t eat chocolate. She knows my clothes size and she knows I eat what I want in moderation.
I haven’t cared about my weight until this point where I’ve been isolated from the others for it. I’m going to speak to DH when we get home (we’re driving and the kids are with us) but I’m not sure how to feel about what just happened. Am I over reacting by assuming she’s ‘fat shaming’ me or should I say something?

😁

Because a size 14 is not a massive piece of clothing. Everyone knows bmi doesn’t work well for a lot of taller or shorter people. And a huge percentage of the population register as obese on bmi metrics. She may well need to lose weight but at size 14 she will not be someone who stands out. Unless we are talking gnome height …

If you’re honest with yourself- I think you are sensitive about your weight gain and this has touched a nerve with you.

If a family member had lost 2 stone after giving birth 3 months ago and had made it clear that they were trying to lose more weight then I’d avoid buying them chocolates for Christmas. It might be taken as thoughtless or trying to sabotage your efforts to be healthier?

This thread is simply fuelling your indignation and pouring fuel on the fire in my view.
It’s not worth spoiling your (good) relationship with mil over this.

I guess they said that for the same reason Op felt the need to point out that size 22 is massive!!!

Well it would be silly if it touched a nerve and she wasn’t heavier than she would like, wouldn’t it. That’s the whole point.

And if MIL was trying to be considerate why not a substitute gift for the chocolates?

The point of OP’s thread has been was MIL making a passive aggressive statement to make OP feel uncomfortable about her weight on Christmas Day. The fact the clothing was quite substantially bigger than her actual size suggests yes. When you add in leaving her out of the chocolate giving it becomes obvious . The fact OP had now said mil thinks anyone above her own size 6 is fat rather seals the deal.

I am sure op didn’t mean to fat shame a size 22. People were saying it could have been hard to tell the difference between size 14 and 22 and I think she meant it comparatively. Buying someone the correct size would not be fat shaming ( although correct size with lack of chocolate would still be pointed). If someone bought a size 22 lady a size 30 ( and pointedly left her out while everyone else got chocs) it would.

The OP knows her own body better than a randomer on the internet who has never even seen her!

A size 22 will be massive on most women unless they're 6 feet tall.

I get why a lot of people won't want to hear that but it doesn't make it any less true.

Well that’s really the point. OPknows her body and therefore knows that buying that body she knows so well a size 22 is making a point. MIL also has seen her. What’s your point, fellow randomer?

I agree, it would have been nice to give op an extra present to make up for the lack of chocolates.

Op says I wasn’t hurt before I posted this but I am now which makes me think that this thread hasn’t been particularly helpful for op- in fact it’s convinced her MIL has deliberately bought presents with one intention - to hurt and embarrass her DIL.

If Youve confided in mil about your previous eating disorder/ bingeing and in your efforts to lose weight then I can understand her hesitancy to give you a pile of chocolate. (?)

The oversized pjs are a bit insulting but again does she actually know your clothes size? I don’t know the clothes sizes of all the women in my family.

Shes been thoughtless but I wouldn’t take this thread as confirmation that she’s been deliberately cruel.

It’s important to keep perspective and laugh about clumsy inappropriate gifts you receive from extended family.

My mum gave me hair products for “very damaged, over processed hair” and some anti ageing face cream but I’ve decided not to conclude she thinks I’m wrinkly with shit hair 😂

And it's also true that nobody should comment on anybody else's weight or body. It's no different to being critical of someone's hair colour, eye colour, height, skin colour etc.

Congratulations on losing 37 Lbs ! Since having your baby only 3 months ago, just sit with this truth for a bit…. 😃🙌🏻👏🏻

Just laugh it off, seriously 😃 only you can decide if this will affect you so shrug it off with 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️ and enjoy the rest of your Christmas 🎄 💛

I would have asked why, when you are so obsessed with my weight are you buying me a bigger size than I am? Do you now want me to get bigger?? I would also wear it whenever I saw her.

i was a size 8-14 in the time I knew her, usually a 10-12.
She used to buy me size 18 or size 6. The size 6 was to diet into and the large size was a dig.
If they were M&S I took them back, otherwise they went in the charity shop. Wasting her own money.

That’s not the point.

Op is talking about being offended by mil and fat shaming. She feels upset and fat shamed.

Then goes on to speak derogatory about size 22. Which you are doing too.

So it’s ok to do when people are above what size? 18? Over a size 20? Or only ok when it’s weight from a pregnancy?

there was no need for op to comment that. There’s no need for you to comment that. I assume she didn’t do it to be rude. But she did it all the same. it’s either ok or it’s not.

A poster asked why someone posted something they didn’t need to that they found rude. Op also posted something they didn’t need to that some people found rude and fat shaming. That was my point.

Stating on an internet chat thread that a size 22 is massive isn't fat shaming anyone, it's being factual.

Actual fat shaming would be saying it to someone who you know is a size 22.

I'd happily state here that I find smokers disgusting, but I wouldn't say it to the face of an actual smoker because that would be shaming them for their addiction.

Wow!

Isnt it?

Then why is not buying someone chocolates?

or buying larger size clothes? Because op felt she was being fat shamed.

Talking derogatory about any size isn’t ok. People have posted that they felt upset or uncomfortable, by the Ops words. So it’s fat shaming.

Op said it op publicly on a forum where there is bound to people of that size. It’s not a private conversation.

So you just post that smoking is disgusting, randomly on any thread about smoking. Someone posts that they are trying to quit smoking and looking support and you go post that smoking is disgusting? Thats shitty.

It’s actually like the Op being someone who smokes 3 cigs day. Posting about how a family member shamed her and called her disgusting. Then Op posts about people who smoke 10 cigs a day are disgusting.

Op had no reason to say it. It. Didn’t add anything to the conversation. It was a derogatory comment made for no reason.

Again I was answering the question that a poster asked. They asked why someone posted something rude about Ops size. My answer, probably for the same reason Op posted something rude about people of a certain dress sizes

As I said, it proves it’s easy to do this, without meaning to.

Actual fat shaming would be saying it to someone you know

I think you’re a bit confused about what “fat shaming” or shaming someone for their addiction means.
This is a public forum- you’re not shouting your opinion into an empty vacuum!

That said- Im as fed up as anyone of people being overly offended and declaring “body shaming” at every perceived slight while also falling over themselves to declare themselves happy with their size and full of body positivity.

Either you’re unhappy with your excess weight and very sensitive to any criticism (understandable) or you love your size and want to celebrate being large. In which case why would it matter if someone thought you might be a bigger dress size than you are.

I don’t think it’s quite as easy to unintentionally fat shame when you have a actually bought them something and put their name on it, then handed out chocolates to everyone else in the same room. That requires a far higher level of inadvertent insult - so much so it isn’t very credible that it was inadvertent.

Did she tell you that? It seems more likely she’s just grabbing some Christmas pjs off the sales rack. Size 6 and the larger sizes are always what’s left and heavily reduced.

I mean that’s pretty insulting- wrapping up a “that’ll do” present you can’t wear just for show but it might not be the message you think it is?

If one is more fat shaming than the other both are fat shaming.

I am not saying the mil didn’t ’fat Shame’ the Op. if she feels like that she feels like that. I don’t know them I will take Ops word for it.

But she then went on to say something that other people feel is fat shaming. People of that size feel that way. If they feel like that, they feel like that.

But as op showed it’s easy to make someone feel they are fat shamed, even if it’s not the intention.

I’m not sure how else to put this: I think the mil intended it whereas I don’t think the OP did.

That doesn’t mean it is good that it happened in either instance.

But it’s one thing to say in the abstract that a size 22 is big compared with a size 14 ( It is. That’s how sizing works. Size 24 is bigger than size 22) and another thing to actually pay money to buy someone something that must have been obviously too large and then, just in case she didn’t get the hint, to not buy her chocolate when she chose that gift for everyone else.

OPs comment wasn’t tactful but I don’t think it was intended to make anyone feel miserable. Fwiw I think any kind of negative comment or judgment around size is unkind. But delivering a judgment in the form of a targeted present is a different level.

And as for earlier comments about at what level is it ok to fat shame ( size 18 plus etc) I think the answer is not at all.

I have quite a few friends and extended family members who think weight is something to joke about. They have made comments about mutual acquaintances and then seemed to actually be expecting me to laugh. They just plummeted in my estimations… yet went off feeling smug about their size and thinking I was humourless. I have a couple of friends who really struggle despite huge efforts at weight loss and I just don’t think it’s right that society thinks they have a free pass to be rude and condescending.

I have said several times I don’t think the Op intended it. But Ops predicted sneaked in. It happens

However, it left people feeling how she felt.

I haven’t said it was the same as the Mil. Simply that it’s also body shaming.

I agree it’s not ok at all at any size.

but I was responding to a poster that kept repeating it was ok and not fat shaming because (and I quote) ‘size 22 is massive’