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Original poster

To think MIL is trying to fat shame me

130 replies

Workeronabreak · 26/12/2023 20:13

I had a baby 3 months ago and I gained 4 stone. I’m still trying to lose the last 19 pound. I’m still up a dress size from pre preg but in general I’m fine and I don’t care about the weight gain as my baby is healthy.
MIL has made the odd comments about my weight since the birth, I ignored it and said it’ll come off eventually but I’m not in a rush. DH is supportive tells me I’m beautiful etc so no low self esteem or anything.
So for Christmas every one got a jumper, pjs and chocolates (all of her children, their partners and children). For me she bought size 22 knowing full well I’m size 14 /16 at the moment. She also didn’t get me any chocolates. Normally I don’t care about this sort of thing but the blatant leaving me out was obvious as everyone opened gifts together in the room, one at a time. No one made any comments when I was skipped at the chocolate opening part and I acted like I didn’t care. DH made out like his chocolates were for us both to share, to try and make the situation easier on me.
It isn’t even about the rude sizing or no chocolates as I’m not an ungrateful person, it’s the more I’ve sat and thought, I’ve realised she’s clearly saying I’m fat and that I shouldn’t eat chocolate. She knows my clothes size and she knows I eat what I want in moderation.
I haven’t cared about my weight until this point where I’ve been isolated from the others for it. I’m going to speak to DH when we get home (we’re driving and the kids are with us) but I’m not sure how to feel about what just happened. Am I over reacting by assuming she’s ‘fat shaming’ me or should I say something?

OP posts:
Alohapotato · 26/12/2023 23:51

I'm size 12 and often buy pyjamas in bigger sizes because I like to be comfy. Maybe rhats why your MIL bought you a bigger size and I understand her not gifting you chocolate if she knows you are dieting she does not want to highjack you

Alohapotato · 26/12/2023 23:54

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 26/12/2023 21:35

Not the main thing, but size 14/16 is not massive at all, unless you're only 4'2", maybe.

Yes, she was trying to fat-shame you. You'd think that, as a mother herself, she would realise that putting weight on during pregnancy is a normal thing, and that it's often a challenge for your body to get back to its normal size/a size where you feel happy. And it's only been 3 months!

You're looking to addressing the physical realities of the effect your beautiful baby has had on your body (as well has having said baby to run around after right now); it's a temporary phase.

On the other hand, her nastiness, coupled with her apparent very low intelligence - manifesting itself in her very limited knowledge about what happens during pregnancy and birth - is probably with her permanently for life. The nicest thing I can say about her is that she deserves pity.

I don't understand British standards, I'm 5"4 and I'm overweight and using a size 12. Using 14 or 16 I would be considered obese!

Calmdown14 · 26/12/2023 23:59

Does she shop early?

If your baby is only three months old and you've gone from 4 stone weight gain to having 19lb to go then presumably in November you were more like 18-20 so she wasn't a million miles out in sizing (which with pyjamas most people would go up a size if in doubt rather than down?)

Just play it straight. Thanks for the present. I've dropped a fair bit of baby weight since you likely purchased them. Would it be okay to exchange them.

Make your point but in a polite, factual manner.

Original poster
Workeronabreak · 27/12/2023 00:02

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the kind comments.
i was 8/10 pre pregnancy but unfortunately I ballooned this time and went up several clothes sizes. She knew I’m in a size 14 (slightly baggy but comfortable as I hate tight fit). Size 22 is enormous and would fit both I and DH together, it doesn’t help it’s from the local market so one arm is actually slightly longer than the other 😂.
I’m very short so my weight combined puts me in the obese category for BMI. I have a positive body attitude so I haven’t let it get to me as I know I’ll lose it all eventually, but this incident has made me feel somewhat gross despite the weight being from pregnancy and not overeating/laziness. MIL is a size 6 and thinks anyone above that is obese. I’ve never spoken to her about dieting or weight loss so she’d have no idea about how I’m losing weight. It’s like a subtle hint that I’m getting fatter.
I still let myself eat chocolate and treats in moderation as I had an eating disorder as a teen, if I withhold something I fancy I end up bingeing on it eventually, I do gain weight very easily too so I’m mindful and sensible but never deprive myself.
I spoke to DH about it and he suggested the same as many of you to text MIL that she has got the wrong size and to return. He also said he asked MIL where my chocolates were before we left and she said she forgot to buy enough for everyone. I’m awaiting MIL reply but I’m sure I’ll be the ungrateful DIL. It’s put a big wedge between us for sure, we haven’t had issues before. I wasn’t hurt when I posted this but now I am.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 27/12/2023 00:04

I'm a 14 on top, 16 on bottom and.my youngest is 2. Whilst you are only 3 months postpartum! I would have mentioned it to her over a phone call but as I'm getting older I've come to realise that there is no pint in quietly seething so I don't. I'd rather just have the conversation and say that you were hurt by her actions and didn't appreciate it. If you'd rather your dh mention it on your behalf, fair enough, he could also tell her to wind her neck in.

Doggymummar · 27/12/2023 00:08

I'm size 14 and wearing size 20 PJ's right now. I've lost almost 5 stone this year and they still fit fine. Maybe she wasn't being mean, perhaps your hubby gave her the wrong size, have you asked him?

MistletoeandJd · 27/12/2023 00:23

She is definitely saying she thinks you're too big and being pretty obvious abiut it .

I don't really believe in 'fat shaming' though anyone is entitled to an opinion on someone's that doesn't mean the other person has to accept it though.

In this instance her general opinion is dumb considering you gave birth just 3 months ago !

Diggerdriverless · 27/12/2023 00:27

If you don't get the receipts or she exchanges the clothing for you, gift it back to her for her birthday/Mothers' Day/next Christmas. Then don't give her any more of your headspace. Enjoy your baby and lovely DH.

Sometimeswinning · 27/12/2023 00:35

Alohapotato · 26/12/2023 23:51

I'm size 12 and often buy pyjamas in bigger sizes because I like to be comfy. Maybe rhats why your MIL bought you a bigger size and I understand her not gifting you chocolate if she knows you are dieting she does not want to highjack you

You don’t buy a size 22 though do you?? If you do I’m guessing you’re definitely not a size 12. Maybe more 18?

abbey44 · 27/12/2023 00:45

Clutching at straws a bit here maybe, but if she got them at the local market might she have thought “couple of sizes up for comfort and add a bit as they’re likely to come up small anyway”…?

No, probably not.

Original poster
Workeronabreak · 27/12/2023 00:47

DH didn’t give her sizes, she already knew them and if she wasn’t sure she’d always ask. She just chose to take it upon herself to assume. I wasn’t even size 22 when heavily pregnant. They definitely don’t fit, I tried them on to prove a point.
DH doesn’t believe she’s done it maliciously and thinks it was a mistake. I’ve never known her to be like this before but I do feel like it is on purpose to highlight my weight gain, she buys in December only so it wasn’t based on my pregnancy weight as I’d already lost 2 stone by then.

OP posts:
Copperoliverbear · 27/12/2023 00:50

Give her the pjs back next time you see her and say, you've give me the wrong pjs they must be yours.
If she says they would not fit me they're too big, say well they're too big for me too, so not sure who you brought them for.

fairymary87 · 27/12/2023 00:53

I swear I read something similar like this last year...

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 27/12/2023 01:02

MIL is a size 6 and thinks anyone above that is obese.

Then she's clearly an absolute buffoon with no grasp on reality. Maybe those 'keeping your brain active' books might not be such a bad idea after all...

What would she do if she met somebody who was a size 4 who kept calling her obese?

She sounds like a toddler, who assumes that everybody else is just like them, thinks just like them and has the same interests, likes and dislikes - because their frame of reference is very narrow and their understanding of 'people are different' has yet to develop. Except toddlers normally grow out of it eventually. In spite of what anybody may believe, it really isn't big or clever - or anything to be smug about - to be old enough to have an adult child and still only have the reasoning power of a toddler.

I may be reaching here, but I wouldn't even be convinced that she gave it thought and somehow decided on a size 22 as being correct. I'm guessing that she asked the market stallholder what the biggest size was that they had and bought that; i.e. if they'd gone up to a size 36, that's what you'd have unwrapped.

Tiddlesem · 27/12/2023 01:04

My MIL has done the same to me this Christmas. I've lost about 2 stone in the past 2 years since having my DD, MIL has commented on my weight loss. She bought me PJs that are size 20. I'm a size 12/14! Tried them on but they're hanging off me! It's not the first time she has done it either! She is very insecure about her own weight and DH has told me that FIL has called her a fat pig in the past, if she hasn't such a bitch to me I would almost feel bad for her

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 27/12/2023 01:07

fairymary87 · 27/12/2023 00:53

I swear I read something similar like this last year...

It's a very common passive aggressive tactic, sadly.

If you want to call somebody monstrously fat without saying the words (regardless of their weight), you buy them clothes in a clearly far-too-large size.

If you want to call somebody a dirty minger without saying the words (regardless of the actuality), you buy them a book called 'Keeping Your House Clean 101: A Beginner's Guide' or something like that.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 27/12/2023 01:10

Just out of interest, does she frequently mention her own bird-like appetite and stress how she can only ever manage teeny-tiny portions of food, which then fill her up for four days - and express horror at how anybody (at least anybody female) could possibly eat a whole serving of anything?

Amybelle88 · 27/12/2023 01:11

Can I just say - you are not big, regardless of whether you've just had a baby or not.

She is foul. The thought process behind stuff like this baffles me - how can a human being actively sit there and plan to deliberately hurt and humiliate another person? Not fucking wired right.

Islandermummy · 27/12/2023 01:20

She sounds like one of those women who equate thinness with virtue, and assumes everyone else is similarly obsessed with being slim. I always think it's a sad and joyless way to be. (Obviously being slim - and wanting to be slim is fine - but when people assume everyone shares the same priorities... it's sad)

Try not to be too downhearted about it. I think it's her issue, not yours. It's not malicious, I don't think.

pinkfondu · 27/12/2023 01:24

You are doing so well, do not give her any control.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 27/12/2023 01:32

She is foul. The thought process behind stuff like this baffles me - how can a human being actively sit there and plan to deliberately hurt and humiliate another person? Not fucking wired right.

Yes, indeed - as with all people like her, her own worst punishment is having to live permanently inside her own nasty mind.

Lotsalotsagiggles · 27/12/2023 01:36

Do you breastfeed? She may have got a biggger size so nany can fit in too?

Make sense for tbe top but not bottom

Id put them on and be like, oops, trousers falling down..

comfyshoes2022 · 27/12/2023 01:36

The size thing on its own doesn’t raise a red flag for me. I find it tricky to figure out the right size for people. I find that people often buy things that are too small for me - I think in part because they don’t want to give the impression that they think I’m big. So I think it’s fairly treacherous territory. For someone who is a lot bigger than me I would have a difficult time judging their size and would find it awkward to ask. (This is a reason I avoid buying people clothes!)

The chocolate thing horrifies me.

Calliopespa · 27/12/2023 01:48

Doggymummar · 27/12/2023 00:08

I'm size 14 and wearing size 20 PJ's right now. I've lost almost 5 stone this year and they still fit fine. Maybe she wasn't being mean, perhaps your hubby gave her the wrong size, have you asked him?

And the chocolates? So many coincidences all pointing in one direction, and all from a size 6 MIL who thinks people bigger than that are obese. I’m all for giving people the benefit of the doubt but you have to call a spade a spade .

OhcantthInkofaname · 27/12/2023 01:49

TeapotTitties · 26/12/2023 21:27

Why must people without knowing an OP's height, insist on gaslighting them about their weight?

"You're not big", without knowing the OP's height and build (which he hasn't told us because that's her business) are just ridiculous empty words.

The OP knows her own body and if she says she needs to lose 4 stone then she knows best, not some random internet strangers.

You misread. She said she gained 4 stone during the pregnancy. After losing some she says she is 19 pounds from pre pregnancy weight. Perfectly fine for a woman who had an infant 12-13 weeks ago. The first few weeks should focus on recovery.