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Original poster

To think MIL is trying to fat shame me

130 replies

Workeronabreak · 26/12/2023 20:13

I had a baby 3 months ago and I gained 4 stone. I’m still trying to lose the last 19 pound. I’m still up a dress size from pre preg but in general I’m fine and I don’t care about the weight gain as my baby is healthy.
MIL has made the odd comments about my weight since the birth, I ignored it and said it’ll come off eventually but I’m not in a rush. DH is supportive tells me I’m beautiful etc so no low self esteem or anything.
So for Christmas every one got a jumper, pjs and chocolates (all of her children, their partners and children). For me she bought size 22 knowing full well I’m size 14 /16 at the moment. She also didn’t get me any chocolates. Normally I don’t care about this sort of thing but the blatant leaving me out was obvious as everyone opened gifts together in the room, one at a time. No one made any comments when I was skipped at the chocolate opening part and I acted like I didn’t care. DH made out like his chocolates were for us both to share, to try and make the situation easier on me.
It isn’t even about the rude sizing or no chocolates as I’m not an ungrateful person, it’s the more I’ve sat and thought, I’ve realised she’s clearly saying I’m fat and that I shouldn’t eat chocolate. She knows my clothes size and she knows I eat what I want in moderation.
I haven’t cared about my weight until this point where I’ve been isolated from the others for it. I’m going to speak to DH when we get home (we’re driving and the kids are with us) but I’m not sure how to feel about what just happened. Am I over reacting by assuming she’s ‘fat shaming’ me or should I say something?

OP posts:
flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 01:54

3mo PP and you're only 1 size up? That's incredible. She's acting like she's never had a baby! Either she's a total bitch or she's a total bitch and also jealous because she's never looked as fabulous as you, especially right after having a baby. I bet she had trouble losing weight after. No matter what she's a nasty cow.

Calliopespa · 27/12/2023 01:56

Workeronabreak · 27/12/2023 00:47

DH didn’t give her sizes, she already knew them and if she wasn’t sure she’d always ask. She just chose to take it upon herself to assume. I wasn’t even size 22 when heavily pregnant. They definitely don’t fit, I tried them on to prove a point.
DH doesn’t believe she’s done it maliciously and thinks it was a mistake. I’ve never known her to be like this before but I do feel like it is on purpose to highlight my weight gain, she buys in December only so it wasn’t based on my pregnancy weight as I’d already lost 2 stone by then.

I’m sorry OP, but I can’t see it as anything but malicious. The very best interpretation I could put on it ( and it still involves her trying to make a point about your weight ) is that it was out of concern that, having breached her size 6 threshold of normality, she was worried you are about to drop dead from heart attack or diabetes. At size 14. And 3 months post partum. 🤔🤨Women tend to gain weight in pregnancy because nature sees it as useful (admittedly less useful now we have supermarkets. But it’s still within nature’s purview.) Just keep slowly at it.

Calliopespa · 27/12/2023 02:02

And incidentally I was a size 6 for many years and was still able to gauge that someone in a size 14 would be swamped by a size 22. It’s really not that difficult to discern. Just being a size 6 doesn’t mean you see the world as “4, 6, 8, unquantifiably enormous and anything will do.” You can still tell the difference between 14, 22, 36 …

Whoopitywhoops · 27/12/2023 04:09

"Size 22 is enormous and would fit both I and DH together"

Thanks. I'm a size 22 and this hasn't exactly helped me feel better about myself. Ironic given that your thread is about fat shaming.

Saggypants · 27/12/2023 04:44

Not the main thing, but size 14/16 is not massive at all, unless you're only 4'2", maybe.

I'm 5'11 and that size and definitely overweight in both BMI and appearance!

And when did 'oh, well at least you're not MASSIVE' become an ok thing to say to people?

KaitlynFairchild · 27/12/2023 06:09

If you want to escalate, next time the baby is due to see her you could ring and explain that as you are busy exchanging the incorrect pyjamas, sadly you and baby don't have time to come over.

Second time, you are busy picking up some shopping including chocolate, so sadly she can't see baby then either.

She's being unpleasant to you in a subtle way. Is there a conversation to be had with your DH re her fatphobic views and whether she is likely to fatshame your children?

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2023 06:29

Whoopitywhoops · 27/12/2023 04:09

"Size 22 is enormous and would fit both I and DH together"

Thanks. I'm a size 22 and this hasn't exactly helped me feel better about myself. Ironic given that your thread is about fat shaming.

I also felt uncomfortable reading that comment. I have lost a couple of stones but at my largest was a size 22.

festivepains · 27/12/2023 06:32

Balloonhearts · 26/12/2023 20:42

I'd have called her out but made fun of her at the same time. 'You totally bought this when I was still pregnant, didn't you? '

'haha MIL bit big, you losing your faculties or just your eyesight?'

That last comment would be unbelievably cruel. It's not a joke.

festivepains · 27/12/2023 06:38

Size 22 is enormous and would fit both I and DH together, it doesn’t help it’s from the local market so one arm is actually slightly longer than the other 😂.

Erm... some people are Size 22. Stop fat shaming yourself if you're going to complain when other people do it.

babasaclover · 27/12/2023 06:47

Well this is especially cruel as it's another woman doing it. Bad enough men do it to us!

I'm pleased you are body positive as this could GIVE you an eating disorder. What a callous bitch she is.

Enjoy your lovely family

CatMadam · 27/12/2023 06:48

Mariposistaa · 26/12/2023 21:12

I agree. I wouldn’t be buying someone who is by self admission overweight chocolate. No matter how much they are ‘not in a rush’ to lose it. Being overweight is unhealthy and a slippery slope. But on MN it’s ok to be overweight.

Show quote history

She’s a size 14-16, and she’s just had a baby. That absolutely is ok.

SJM1988 · 27/12/2023 06:52

You had a baby 3 months ago so I think your MIL is definitely out of order here. I read your updates and if she thinks anyone over a size 6 is overweight then she is the one with the issue not you. The average uk dress size is a 20-22 for 2023 ( I looked at it not that long ago for my own reasons)
For what its worth you are doing amazing well. I'm 2 years post my last baby and still 3 dress sizes and 3 stone up on my pre last baby weight ( dread to think what from my first baby). Only now am I in the mindset and have time to address it.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 27/12/2023 07:21

babasaclover · 27/12/2023 06:47

Well this is especially cruel as it's another woman doing it. Bad enough men do it to us!

I'm pleased you are body positive as this could GIVE you an eating disorder. What a callous bitch she is.

Enjoy your lovely family

But on the flip side it’s cruel to come here complain about fat shaming and use language like ‘size 22 is huge’.

I am sure Op didn’t mean for it to come across that way. But it does show how someone can fat shame people without the intention to. Especially, if who is ‘body positive’ and feels that have just been fat shamed can without thinking also fat shame people while trying get some support for her own ‘shaming’.

maybe the mil did purposely fat shame Op, maybe the Mil has a really fucked yo view of body size above a 10, maybe she didn’t do it on purpose. But op proved it’s easy to cause offence, even while aware of the issue, by accident.

Mariposistaa · 27/12/2023 08:27

CatMadam · 27/12/2023 06:48

She’s a size 14-16, and she’s just had a baby. That absolutely is ok.

Show quote history

By her own admission her BMI puts her at obese. Now unless she is an olympic athlete and has so much muscle mass that BMI will come out higher than average it is absolutely not ok. Being obese is unhealthy. Never mind what you look like or what your husband finds attractive or not.

MistyMountainTop · 27/12/2023 08:47

Saggypants · 27/12/2023 04:44

Not the main thing, but size 14/16 is not massive at all, unless you're only 4'2", maybe.

I'm 5'11 and that size and definitely overweight in both BMI and appearance!

And when did 'oh, well at least you're not MASSIVE' become an ok thing to say to people?

Interesting. When I was that size, at 5'7", I wasn't overweight, had a BMI of 23 and looked slim. Funny how we're all different isn't it!

Itsnamechange · 27/12/2023 08:48

Mariposistaa · 27/12/2023 08:27

By her own admission her BMI puts her at obese. Now unless she is an olympic athlete and has so much muscle mass that BMI will come out higher than average it is absolutely not ok. Being obese is unhealthy. Never mind what you look like or what your husband finds attractive or not.

Show quote history

Op had a baby 3 months ago. What would you say is an acceptance time frame for op to lose every last pound of excess weight? Given she's already lost more than 2 stone in that time?

I think your comment is especially snide as the op has explained she suffered from an eating disorder when she was younger

Tinybrother · 27/12/2023 09:03

you think it would be ok for her to “fat shame” you if you’d gained it by “overeating/laziness”, instead of through pregnancy?

FloofCloud · 27/12/2023 09:09

Your MIL is an arsehole! Thankfully your DH has your back!
Give the pyjamas back and say they're far too big but thanks for the shitty nasty thought

Wheretomoveto777 · 27/12/2023 09:11

I agree with most others, she’s fat shaming you.

My MIL’s friend did this sort of thing to her DIL. It was really obvious to all around. But the only one who looked bad was MIL’s friend, not the DIL.

They’re of a generation who were brainwashed to be believe thin = good; fat = weak.

We were also, but to a lesser extent and now social media has stamped on that even more (as much as social media also has a lot of v negative things to say about it!).

Because your DH is a man, he probably didn’t notice your MIL’s obsession with weight as it won’t have been targeted at him, only at women.

He needs to have a word on your behalf though. It’s really not ok.

Your attitude towards weight and food sounds healthy! Please don’t let this make you feel differently about yourself or your weight.

CatMadam · 27/12/2023 09:27

Mariposistaa · 27/12/2023 08:27

By her own admission her BMI puts her at obese. Now unless she is an olympic athlete and has so much muscle mass that BMI will come out higher than average it is absolutely not ok. Being obese is unhealthy. Never mind what you look like or what your husband finds attractive or not.

Show quote history

BMI is widely known to be nonsense at this point. She had a baby three months ago and is losing weight. Give it a rest.

FatFemale · 27/12/2023 09:28

Just put them in a charity recycle bag and tell her you've done so. Bitch. Waste her money

Mariposistaa · 27/12/2023 09:46

Itsnamechange · 27/12/2023 08:48

Op had a baby 3 months ago. What would you say is an acceptance time frame for op to lose every last pound of excess weight? Given she's already lost more than 2 stone in that time?

I think your comment is especially snide as the op has explained she suffered from an eating disorder when she was younger

Show quote history

If she is clinically obese she has more than ‘the last pound’ to lose. Sticking your head in the sand and saying ‘you’re fine as you are’ is a slippery slope. It is unhealthy and has to come off.

TheCurlyKnobhead · 27/12/2023 10:48

Mariposistaa · 27/12/2023 09:46

If she is clinically obese she has more than ‘the last pound’ to lose. Sticking your head in the sand and saying ‘you’re fine as you are’ is a slippery slope. It is unhealthy and has to come off.

Show quote history

OP isn't sticking her head in the sand, read the op and then do us all a favour and fuck right off

LoopyLooooo · 27/12/2023 10:50

Amybelle88 · 27/12/2023 01:11

Can I just say - you are not big, regardless of whether you've just had a baby or not.

She is foul. The thought process behind stuff like this baffles me - how can a human being actively sit there and plan to deliberately hurt and humiliate another person? Not fucking wired right.

Can I just say - you are not big, regardless of whether you've just had a baby or not.

Why would you say this? It makes no sense at all anyway, but even less sense since the OP herself has said...

I’m very short so my weight combined puts me in the obese category for BMI.

MummyJ36 · 27/12/2023 10:52

OP you had a baby THREE months ago, my heart breaks that you’re already having to think about what size you are and being so openly shamed for it by your MIL. I put on a lot of weight with DC2 and was also 3 months postpartum last Christmas. Nothing fitted me, I squeezed myself into a pair of tights and a dress and felt so uncomfortable and miserable. I look back and I think I should have just worn leggings and a baggy top, at least I’d have been comfy!

Please do talk to your DH about it. I sounds like he clocked what was happening but I think it does warrant a chat. You grew and birthed a baby. Your body is recovering. You are caring for a small child. You do not need or deserve this kind of passive aggressive shaming.