Mornings ruin my whole day. Why do I find them so stressful? Any advice? (Young children)

[Whymornings8]

Two primary aged children. I’m not a morning person. DH claims he is, but if he gets up earlier than everyone, he looks at his phone until it’s time to get into action.

Either DH or I lose our temper every morning (sometimes both - our marriage is wrecked also), kids don’t want to leave the house, wake up late, no room for emotions.

One DC is like me and not a morning person.

Getting out the door every day is awful and it’s life for the rest of our lives, until we retire.

Please help! I hate it! It makes us all so miserable.

Packed lunches are fine made the night before, I never make my lunch for work in a morning, it's always the night before and sometimes I do 2 days ahead at the same time. Even putting things into a little pile together in the fridge e.g. sandwich, yogurt, babybel etc and non-fridge items together on the worktop or already in lunch bag speeds things up in a morning and makes sure you don't miss anything.
Hang uniforms on the door handle or put the set of clothes together as the first thing in the wardrobe. Underwear and socks / tights out on the side so they can get themselves dressed.
Coat hooks by the front door with space for school bags / PE kits / book bag etc and put what's needed out by the coats the night before. I'd make a kitchen wall planner or family calendar with who needs what on which day and then the kids can check it and sort their own stuff out and you can just check it.
Routine is key too so the kids know what's expected of them e.g. get up, breakfast (keep it simple, don't give them too many options!), face & teeth, get dressed and out of the door. No one plays with toys or watches TV until they are ready and there's time spare for it.

Doing a sandwich the night before does not mean it’s stale by the next lunchtime. I did it for years for myself. I wouldn’t be faffing about making sandwiches at 7am as like you, mornings aren’t my favourite things.
get clothes out the night before.
my younger brother used to refuse to wake up in the mornings and it used to stress my mum out so no word of a lie I would pour a (small) glass of cold water on him after we’d asked him 3 times to get up. The water always worked lol!!!

My 9yo is similar. She goes to bed at 9pm but was still awake at 11pm last night. She's not mucking about she just doesn't drop off. She would also sleep in if I didn't wake her. I wake her at 7:20 so she's got time to come round. And also because sleeping in perpetuates her not getting to sleep. I do sympathise with her though as it's just her natural body clock. She's always had challenges with sleep. If she's really struggling I let her listen to an audiobook in bed now, rather than her keep calling me.

Get organised. Get yourself up and ready before everyone else. Get into a routine. If you don’t you’ll be feeling like this till high school

Packed lunches wouldn't be stale. Make sandwiches with frozen bread and they're fine. Probably not the most important issue here but I think representative of you not looking to solve problems and make it easier for yourself!

Also I get what you mean about it being worse with two parents involved. If you're both faffing around scatter gun trying to do everything that needs doing, it's multiple extra conversations going on, so if you are asking kids to do x and then your husband engages too, it actually wastes time and distracts kids. You need to have one of you downstairs making coffee, packing lunch bags etc and the other upstairs reminding kids of the routine and rules- no one downstairs until dressed and teeth done etc. it really can work and it just takes a lot of repetition to embed it. Good luck!

I'd start by sitting down as a family and admitting mornings are really stressful and ask the kids if they are stressed. Ask if anyone is enjoying mornings. Then look for solutions. How can we make mornings easier, nicer, more organised. Get them all involved. There is no option to just not do mornings so as a family you need solutions. Getting them involved and admitting how difficult it is just now will make them more invested in improving the situation. Prep the night before. Leave out clothes, make lunches that will stay fresh eg pasta salad, soup, spagbol. You and your husband take a kid each or know what their responsibility is eg husband does lunches, you do kids. Be kinder to each other; you are hating it but so is everyone else.

My dd is 12 and we struggled too OP. The way I do it now is I get up at 6 and get showered straight away.It wakes me up like nothing else then I go downstairs and have a coffee and a ciggie in peace.That 10 mins on my own helps me come round slowly and gently stress free. I get her up at 6.30 which takes a bit of time and make sure she is moving straight away.She has no choice I stay there until shes out of bed! She then gets in the shower and gets dressed, We have been doing this since september whee she started high school and it works I promise you it does and no getting away from the fact its hard but we have to do it. We are never late and she starts school at 8.15. All her bags are packed before bed so that takes away any hassle too. You got to do it its your job! Good luck.Get a routine and stick to it, if you can make everything move more smoothly you all as a family will feel much happier and thats what you want isnt it?

Also and I dont do this but my friend does...on a sunday afternoon she makes a weeks worth of sandwiches and freezer them individually. She grabs one every morning and it is defrosted by lunch she reckons this saves her loads of hassle. Just another thought for you to consider.

Things that have been a game changer for me

• bed by 9:30 up at 6 (every day) so I'm not shattered.
• uniform ironed and on the radiator (bit of excitement in winter re having hot clothes. If he doesn't get dressed when I ask him to his clothes will be cold. Lo and behold he's always excited to get dressed now!).
• packed lunch (when I had to do them) done the day before.
• on a Friday he is allowed Nutella on toast for breakfast but only if he's no significant tantrums over ridiculous things in the week prior. Tantrums always stopped when reminded with a cheeky smile that his Nutella was at risk!
• lots and lots of praise when he's had a brilliant morning and has been super helpful. I had to make myself do this and now it is just the norm. The change has been enormous.

It's really hard work, and also sounds like the issues in your marriage are a huge contributor. I'm a lone parent and find it much, much easier in terms of the actual parenting side of things. You have my sympathies OP.

I hate morning but this is how I do it. I get up first, wash dress and coffee. I play wake up songs on the house speakers to get everyone moving - I got fed up of nagging/yelling so this works much better. I feed the pets. Porridge mixed the night before in the saucepan is taken out the fridge and put on the hob. Drinks put on the table & kids clean teeth & get dressed in clothes I laid out the night before. Nobody eats until they have their shoes on ready to go. No TV any more as they stared at it instead of eating. Music continues! I have a protein smoothie (powder pre-weighed for the week & liquid measured in flask in the fridge the afternoon before). Bags, snacks & drinks packed the night/afternoon before (they have school lunches). Hats and coats are kept in the car so we are not faffing. Usually I put a bit of make up on in the car while in traffic or at a red light. If I don't prep everything the night before it's a disaster. If no one yells it's a success.

I hate mornings too! The only way we manage is by getting up earlier. I’m up at 6am, get washed etc. Wake hubby up at 6:45. He then goes into the bathroom. Kids woken up at 6:50 and have to be dressed by 7:10 or they lose tech time later. I make packed lunches while everyone is getting sorted. Then make kids breakfast and have mine for around 7:30 which is when hubby leaves for work. Kids then get washed/teeth done. Eldest leaves for school at 8:15. Myself and youngest leave 8:25.
I’ve tried making packed lunches in the evening but it then means I don’t sit down until gone 9pm (in bed by 10:30) so would rather get up a bit earlier in the morning.

Night before prep - clothes out for the next day, showers done so just a wash/teeth clean in the morning. Bowls and cereal boxes all laid out ready to go. Pack lunches done the night before (all except wraps/ sandwiches which I do in the morning). Timers set on alexa - 730 up, 740 breakfast etc….

Check homework/ reading school requirements at night so theres no issues the next day.

One hack that might help…. Make a whole loaf of ham sandwiches, one of something else, freeze the whole thing, take out a sandwich for each lunch and it will defrost by lunchtime.

pasta can be cooked the night before with pesto, mozzarella and cherry tomatoes.

tomato soup takes minutes to heat and put in a thermos- I told my son it was like runny tomato ketchup- instant hit.

Alarm clocks for the kids too. We had to spend 3 months getting DS9 out of the house by 6.45…. It was hell but we took all the short cuts and got through

We have set routines & I find if my DH gets up early too he just gets in my way 😆 (he wfh so sets his alarm for 8) I set my alarm for 6.45 & need to leave the house at 8.05. We have cats & foster cats though so I have numerous litter trays to sort out plus food/water bowls. I don't like rushing so I find this gives me plenty of time to get ready. I always shower before bed too so I don't have to do that in the morning. I get all my clothes out too so I don't wake up DH rummaging around for them in the dark. I'm an early riser anyway since having kids but I do go to bed early ish (10.30-11). Routine definitely helps. When mine were little I'd lay the table for breakfast & lunchboxes would be ready so only sandwiches needed making. If dishwasher needs emptying I might leave that for when DH gets up same if washing machine has finished. Or I'll do it after school run. I check weather forecast before bed to see if I'll need to de-ice the car etc (mine is old so takes forever).

Two boys, 4 and 7. I have SCREAMED on more than one occasion because of the sheer misery of mornings - the repetition, the nagging, the ignoring, the stress. Had to spend many a journey apologising to them for turning into a monster.

Have achieved a small measure of success doing this:

1. I get their clothes, bags and lunches sorted the night before, including checking no last minute things in book bags I have missed (need an egg box, need a pound, need a white t shirt - annoying AF but is what it is).
2. I get up really fucking early. 5am if I need a bath/hairwash, 5.30 if not. Means I sometimes get a coffee in silence but just busy breathing space.
3. A strict “now and next” with kids. They do what they have to do (breakfast, teeth, clothes on) and the quicker they do it, the more time they have to chill before school. CBeebies, trampoline, iPad even. If they start doing something they enjoy BEFORE the shit they have to do, then I am as good as dead. Hide the iPad and the remote control until they are ready.
4. Have a stash of breakfasts they can eat in the car, for when it all goes to shit. Reaped croissants, brioches, even cheese sandwiches wrapped up in the fridge ready. Bananas and apples and all that.
5. I never let the washing back up - ever. First thing I do as I put the kettle on is swap a load over so never ever out of uniform.

I’ve got a busy senior job and partner only lives with us half the week, and although I have flexi work to minimise childcare time it does mean every day is slightly different and the mental load is…well it’s fucking mental isn’t it.

Solidarity xx

Packed lunches the night before if they are sandwiches store them in the clip tight boxes in the fridge over night I’ve never had a problem have other bits that don’t need to be in the fridge already in their lunch boxes/bags
Clothes ready the night before I used to iron all uniforms and work clothes on a Sunday and hang them ready for the week

I would consider an earlier bedtime for your child that goes to bed at 9 I personally feel that’s late for a child especially if it’s taking them a while to get to sleep

Have a set morning routine

so at X time the kids have breakfast
At X time the kids brush their teeth etc etc you get the idea
Always check with them the night before if the need anything extra the next day believe me I remember it well ooh mam we need our PE kits today because we’re doing some sports thing it’s not what you need to hear as your already running late and about to run out the door
It really does just come down to routine and planning

I think you and your Husband should also work on your relationship

Good luck OP
Merry Christmas and best wishes for 2024

Not sure on your area but I would contact sleep clinic for older child if it is taking him so long to get to sleep. Also consider putting them both to bed half an hour earlier with a good bedtime routine.
You said this is impacting on your marriage which will in turn impact on the children have you considered Early Help?

Two sons aged 8 and 11, younger son can be a handful. Everything ready night before, even socks and pants. Bags coats and shoes ready by the door. Even water bottles can be filled up and but in the fridge! Packed lunch done in the fridge. I even started getting our coffee cups, kids cereal and bowls and spoons out poised but thankfully don't need to go that far anymore! My older son gets up 6:50 from his alarm now and gets in shower and starts getting his breakfast. We are usually downstairs 7-7;15. Youngest I let him sleep until 7:30. Oldest needs to leave 7:45 to get his school bus and youngest we leave 8:15ish.

I’m not a morning person either OP, but it is worth getting up earlier and getting yourself ready. It’s so much less stressful if you aren’t trying to shout at someone to get up while brushing your teeth. It means you can then focus on getting the ‘problem child’ out of bed and dressed.

use incentives- no TV/
computer games until washed dressed and breakfasted!

everyone showered night before.

Also have clothes laid out the night before so it’s a case of getting up, putting them on.

We have Alexa lights and Alexa echo dots. My non morning teen who’s also steric has her alarm set for 6:45 really loud. We also had the light set to sunrise mode. On work days I’m up at 6:30 and when I’m heading upstairs at 7 I give her a shout (and a shake) and when I’m about to leave I insist she’s out of bed. The 11 year ok is always up at 7 when her alarm goes and in the shower straight say. She leaves at 8 to walk to school. Teen leaves later like 8:15 on my work days and wake but when I’m off work she’s later and I end up driving her. Both now have school meals as packed lunches were the Bain of my life in primary. Youngest was making her own last year but even she’s got fed up doing them. Bags are usually ready to pick up. Uniform is all hung ready. I’m on my own. When they were younger it was harder as on my work days I’d drop them at 7:30 breakfast club but we never needed to feed the as they ate at school. Even now at high school they buy a breakfast sandwich if out early enough on a couple of days.

It gets easier as they get older in some ways but teens become harder to wake as well.

Mone are 8 and 10, one is asd and adhd. However he is obsesse over times but both are just lazy. We get their uniform out the night before and bring them downstairs. Packed lunches are made in evening and put in fridge overnight. They don't go stale just wrap the sandwiches well? I still get stressed because they don't do as they're told so I lose my shit most days still.

Unfortunately the only way I’ve found to do it is by getting absolutely everything ready the night before (having school dinners helps) and getting up earlier. I’m up at 6:15 and kids by 6:45 at the very latest. I leave at 7:30 and dh drops the kids at breakfast club when it opens at 7:45.

That’s a little late for both of of them to be honest. Your older one may need more sleep so is overtired. Possible. Not a judgy comment as you know your kids best.

I am very much like you, it’s stressful and I need to be better as I stay in bed as long as possible.

All clothes, drinks and bags are ready the night before. So it’s mainly breakfast and dressing to be done which they do themselves with a little supervision (4 & 7)

I’m always having to nag a bit to eat faster etc as they’ll stare at the tv for ages but there’s less screaming than there was before.

I agree with earlier bedtime and get up. This probably isn't the best routine but my mornings are lovely and calm with my 6yo and I'm a single parent. He gets up and gets dressed before going downstairs, breakfast and then he can watch TV while I get ready, then it's just teeth and go. Bags and clothes ready the night before.