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Original poster

I don't want dd to have a sleepover

94 replies

ItsTimeToWrite · 12/12/2023 22:06

My dd has asked a few times now if she can have a friend over for a sleepover. She's never had one and every time I say no I feel guilty. She's 11 and has told me she's the only one in her class who's never had a friend stay the night.

The truth is I hate the thought of the mess and disturbance it will cause.

I have younger dc and when dd has a friend over for a few hours my younger dc act up and become over excited. They take ages to settle once the friend has left. It usually ends with all my dc and friend squabbling. I don't know why but it does. My younger dc do not sleep great and having another person in the house will make it worse.

Dds friends are lovely but they all are very messy. They drop food everywhere and spill drinks. They pull out toys and games and leave them everywhere.

Dd has had sleepovers at their houses but from what I gather they are allowed to stay up as long as they want and basically do what they want.
On one occasion they made smoothies at 2am. I do not want children in my care using a knife at 2am!

I'm being ridiculous aren't I?

Should I let my dd have a sleepover and just deal with the aftermath?
I'm expecting to wake up the next morning to a trashed kitchen, dirty living room and some very tired and grumpy younger dc.
But I'm guessing it would make dd happy.

OP posts:
Wolfpa · 12/12/2023 22:21

I think that is just a pain of being a parent. Why not organise something for the summer and they can get the excitement of sleeping in a tent in the garden.

SingingSands · 12/12/2023 22:23

You're the adult here OP - sleepovers can happen, but you should set boundaries and enforce them.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 12/12/2023 22:30

I used to dread sleepovers. But l let dd have lots of them.

By the time she got to about 13, she decided she needed her sleep.

l do think you need to let your dd have one. They don’t do much sleeping, but they have fun.

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itsnotmeagain · 12/12/2023 22:33

I don't think its unreasonable for her to have a friend over. Just set some reasonable boundaries- I may be wrong but it feels like you're putting your needs ahead of hers. She's asking for one night. So it gets a bit messy? It's not an everyday thing and maybe she can help tidy up the next day. Won't it give her a lot of joy? Isn't that worth it??

DGPP · 12/12/2023 22:36

Yes I think you are being mean. It’s one night! She will never forget not being able to have a sleepover.
set some rules - last food and drinks by 9.30pm, lights out 11pm or 11.30pm.
yes it will be messy but it will be joyous for your DD.
so what if your younger kids act up? It’s one night

gotomomo · 12/12/2023 22:37

Yes let her but set reasonable boundaries, provide snacks - popcorn is good because it vacuums up easily, but no late night kitchen access for instance. I used to say 9pm bed at that age knowing they would chat for a bit

crumblingschools · 12/12/2023 22:37

Is there any family that younger DC can go and have their own sleepover so they are out if the way. Then lay some ground rules

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 12/12/2023 22:38

Not all sleepovers are lawless.
DD and her friends eat dinner with us as a family (often something like fajitas, pizza and salad etc) then a movie, face masks, popcorn and sweets. Lights off at 10.30/11pm and quiet chatter but they stay in bed.

Pancakes for breakfast then picked up by 11am!

Bangerwheel · 12/12/2023 22:40

Oooh you meanie.

They are generally quite stressful but part of parenting. Bless her, imagine how delighted she'll be when you say yes 😀

minipie · 12/12/2023 22:42

I think kids who have sleepovers often actually act up less because sleepovers are less of a rarity for them iyswim.

Having said that I’m like you and hate them OP. I do allow them occasionally- maybe twice a year. Because IMO it would be mean not to.

How old is younger sibling? If they have their own friend over at the same time it may help?

Original poster
ItsTimeToWrite · 12/12/2023 22:43

itsnotmeagain · 12/12/2023 22:33

I don't think its unreasonable for her to have a friend over. Just set some reasonable boundaries- I may be wrong but it feels like you're putting your needs ahead of hers. She's asking for one night. So it gets a bit messy? It's not an everyday thing and maybe she can help tidy up the next day. Won't it give her a lot of joy? Isn't that worth it??

It's not so much my needs but my other dc. They get very over excited when there are other people in the house and they take a long time to settle down afterwards. Their sleep will be affected too which will have a knock on effect.

For me personally, the mess is whats bothering me. I can tell them repeatedly not to do something but once there's cake squashed into the carpet or juice spilt on the sofa it's too late. Also, they will be left downstairs all night so unless I'm with them I won't know what's happening.

OP posts:
Teaandtoast12 · 12/12/2023 22:46

Set boundaries as others said, I know when I was 11 I’d have been terrified of spilling a drink at someone else’s house! But honestly I have some lovely memories of sleepovers when I was younger, they’re 11 they will be okay upstairs, if there’s two parents maybe one can take the younger children out for a bit and tire them out or do something else fun with them instead like a movie night

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 12/12/2023 22:47

If that’s your concerns could you not do it a night during the holidays?

Be firm, cake etc eaten at the table and have a lay boundaries before the sleepover. Popcorn hoovers up just fine!

HeathrowQuestion · 12/12/2023 22:48

A little bit of parental tiredness from monitoring sleepovers is pretty standard. As is mess. Can’t you just all clear up the next day?

I also hate sleepovers with a passion but I put up with them until my kids came to their senses 😂

dontbuyadell · 12/12/2023 22:49

Why would they be downstairs unsupervised? Can't they just sleep in DD room?

Original poster
ItsTimeToWrite · 12/12/2023 22:50

dontbuyadell · 12/12/2023 22:49

Why would they be downstairs unsupervised? Can't they just sleep in DD room?

No

OP posts:
itsalwaysthesame · 12/12/2023 22:52

It's one night! Let her have a sleepover

StarBrightly · 12/12/2023 22:56

Do what’s best for your family, we don’t have sleepovers.

dontbuyadell · 12/12/2023 23:21

@ItsTimeToWrite why not?

Even if they do sleep downstairs you can remain downstairs until they go to sleep!

beautifullittletree · 12/12/2023 23:35

StarBrightly · 12/12/2023 22:56

Do what’s best for your family, we don’t have sleepovers.

This.

None of mine ever had sleepovers, only one of them would have coped but the detrimental effect it would have had on the others meant it wasn't for us.

2 of them are adults and unaffected by the lack of sleepovers.

steppemum · 12/12/2023 23:46

DGPP · 12/12/2023 22:36

Yes I think you are being mean. It’s one night! She will never forget not being able to have a sleepover.
set some rules - last food and drinks by 9.30pm, lights out 11pm or 11.30pm.
yes it will be messy but it will be joyous for your DD.
so what if your younger kids act up? It’s one night

I agree with this.
And I can't say that we have had cake squashed in carpet or lots of spilt drinks.
Mine tend ot have popcorn or crisps, as it doesn't matter if spilt and cups of drink go on the coffee table.

I have a firm - once it is lights out, then I expect you to be quiet in bed, I don;t wnat to hear you. If you disturb me I will have to come down and be cross.
I prime dd to know that the issue is noise, so if they sit quietly chatting and giggling for ages, that is up to them.

Changingmynameyetagain · 12/12/2023 23:48

I hate sleep overs with a passion.
I once relented and allowed DD to have one for her 9th birthday, it was awful, she had 7 kids sleeping over!
They stayed up ridiculously late and woke up at the crack of dawn, never again!

Both my DS have had a friend stay over, but I’ve never allowed my children to sleep out at a friends house. And tbh I’m never allowing anyone to stay at ours again.

YouBelongWithMe · 12/12/2023 23:58

I think it's part and parcel, tbh.

My daughters love having sleepovers and friends over generally (my son, not so much). I don't love it all, but the girls do and I also feel like it's their home too and welcoming their friends to hang out and stay is an important aspect.

Mine are older now (12, 14) and I'm not involved, in the main. I cook dinner, but they sort out sheets, sleeping arrangements, go out for snacks etc. They have them fairly often, so now they don't even stay up late because that novelty has long worn off. Sometimes they're all asleep by 10pm!

Could your other child stay at a grandparents that night?

Landlubber2019 · 13/12/2023 00:15

My eldest DC had a sleepover and it wasn't great, 5 boys and they didn't sleep until morning but I was woken several times, parental pickup was extended from 10 to 12 as they all slept in,but a couple didn't sleep until 6am. It wasn't repeated.

My youngest DC regularly has friends sleepover, lights out by 11pm and I don't hear them until 8 the next day. Dream boys !

I would say, get them to sleep upstairs if you can and get the youngest child to stay with a grandparent if possible.

ThreeImaginaryBoys · 13/12/2023 00:18

With kindness, OP, you're being mean.

One of the best things my husband ever said to me when the kids started to toddle and create mess was 'it's their house too'. And he was bloody right.

Put the knives away if you're worried about actual safety, but a few cake crumbs and some spilt juice? Not as important as your children's emotional development, frankly.

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