Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I don't want dd to have a sleepover

94 replies

ItsTimeToWrite · 12/12/2023 22:06

My dd has asked a few times now if she can have a friend over for a sleepover. She's never had one and every time I say no I feel guilty. She's 11 and has told me she's the only one in her class who's never had a friend stay the night.

The truth is I hate the thought of the mess and disturbance it will cause.

I have younger dc and when dd has a friend over for a few hours my younger dc act up and become over excited. They take ages to settle once the friend has left. It usually ends with all my dc and friend squabbling. I don't know why but it does. My younger dc do not sleep great and having another person in the house will make it worse.

Dds friends are lovely but they all are very messy. They drop food everywhere and spill drinks. They pull out toys and games and leave them everywhere.

Dd has had sleepovers at their houses but from what I gather they are allowed to stay up as long as they want and basically do what they want.
On one occasion they made smoothies at 2am. I do not want children in my care using a knife at 2am!

I'm being ridiculous aren't I?

Should I let my dd have a sleepover and just deal with the aftermath?
I'm expecting to wake up the next morning to a trashed kitchen, dirty living room and some very tired and grumpy younger dc.
But I'm guessing it would make dd happy.

OP posts:
Sproutier · 13/12/2023 08:08

It's fine to say no, some families just don't or can't host them.

Equally you could go for it with a blanket to protect the sofa and boundaries to prevent 2am smoothie making. Arguably it's easier with 11yos than with older kids. It does sound quite anxiety based on your part, which is fair enough, but you could choose to tackle some of that anxiety and challenge some of your assumptions if you feel up to it. Your daughter will be fine if you don't, but it might make her very happy if you do, and it might all turn out much better than you anticipate. It would be your house, your rules, you'd be the one in charge not them. Our house has never been damaged by sleepovers in any way.

Original poster
ItsTimeToWrite · 13/12/2023 08:09

Thanks everyone who have replied to this thread. I won't be back after this as I have my answer to my op.
I said in my last reply what I'm planning to do and I'm sticking with that.
Thanks again.

OP posts:
steppemum · 13/12/2023 08:10

I have hosted dozens of sleepovers over the years.
Some were horrendous and others fine.

There is a HUGE difference between one friend staying over - generally fine, not too much sleep lost, generally sensible.
and a group staying over - horro stories abound.

Lots of those saying they did it and it was awful are talking about a group of kids.
I don't recommend a group until they are old enough for you not to care what time they sleep etc and old enough to know to keep quiet. About 18 then!!
My 16 year old just had a sleepover for her birthday with 8 of them in the living room, we just left them to it.

Seriously, one friend staying over is nice and not too stressful.
Have boundaries, you and dd make a sort of timetable of what happens when (film, popcorn, food, bedtime) so she knows what to expect and try it out.

But the world will not end if you don't. She will survive. It really isn't the thing to kill ourself over and yes, younger siblings are a PAIN when doing a sleepover, hard for you and for them to keep out of the way.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
HardHeartedHarbingerofHaggis · 13/12/2023 08:10

I don't blame you OP, especially trying to settle 2 littles ones too. I would explain to DD that if you did allow a sleepover there would be (lots of) rules, she may decide she doesnt want one based on that! We reluctantly allowed a sleepover for DC2 (who gets v overexcited) with 2 new friends we had reservations about (high school). They didn't trash the house but were disrespectfully messy and rude, never again! Opened DC2s eyes to what they were really like though so that's one good thing that came of it.

MumOfOneAwesomeHuman · 13/12/2023 08:13

Sleepovers are a rite of passage and learning comes from the experience of staying up late and being overtired the next day. Other kids behaviour is also a learning experience as long as it's not damaging or upsetting to your children.

Let her have a sleepover but set firm boundaries for all your children. The younger DCs need to understand it's their sister's sleepover and give her and her friend space. (it sounds like they need some help and guidance around playing and not arguing too unless that tension is coming from the friend? And some help calming down. Can you engage them in another activity? A movie night maybe?)

And definitely set a boundary around what is and isn't acceptable in your home and make sure your DD understands if mess gets made she helps tidy up. I always set a time and requested no noise in the house after that time. My dd and her friends managed to stay quiet even if they stayed up later.

You need to be very clear with them. No one would be making smoothies at 2am in my house! But now I have a teenager so it's more likely her friends will be sneaking alcohol from downstairs and I'll be cleaning up someone's vomit! You likely have that to come so enjoy the toy mess while that's all it is!

theduchessofspork · 13/12/2023 08:13

Yes you’re being unreasonable

However you do get to set some (reasonable) boundaries. Smoothie making doesn’t usually involve a sharp knife though…

TartanTed · 13/12/2023 08:17

If it's an option, you could arrange for your twins to stay with a relative the night your eldest has her sleepover. That might make the prospect less stressful for you.

flexigirl · 13/12/2023 08:18

We had loads of them , it was messy noisy crazy fun . They loved it ! I taught them to bake and make hair bows and jewellery ( until they got older and I now hear them dancing so much in the bedroom it feels like the ceiling is about to cave in ) they are 18 now and still come for sleepovers ! It was always hard work but I would rather have them all at mine as it meant some extra attention for my very disabled daughter who loves visitors and commotion. I'd say just go for it, you might enjoy it more than you think you will

spriots · 13/12/2023 08:19

So your younger children don't sleep well and share with the 11 year old, that's not ideal and I would try and make it up to her if she has to put up with disturbed nights all the time.

If it were me, I would:

Tell DD and her friend that there is to be no mess, if there is, no other sleepovers will happen - if it's just one friend, that should be ok

Either you or your DP take the younger ones somewhere else for the night - use it as a excuse to take them to grandparents or other family for a visit or Peppa pig world - then the other parent can supervise the sleepover and it can be in DD's room

RichTea63 · 13/12/2023 08:30

NorthernAttitude · 13/12/2023 08:08

I'm going to go against the grain here and say you shouldn't have a sleepover. Meant kindly, you sound too stressed and anxious to have one and I think that would come across and it wouldn't be much fun. My DD has had what feels like millions of sleepovers but her best friend has never had one - she and her parents just don't like hosting - but it's not affected their friendships at all. Think of a different treat for your daughter that doesn't cause so much stress.

I agree with this OP, I wouldn't do it. Particularly with your home set up and them having to sleep downstairs and when they are so messy/irresponsible. Maybe in a year or two when you feel a bit more confident they would be OK unsupervised. Maybe take them out for a film/pizza night as a treat instead.

Beezknees · 13/12/2023 08:40

YABU. I loved sleepovers as a kid.

When you decide to have kids you have to be prepared for a certain amount of chaos. That's part and parcel of having kids!

Beezknees · 13/12/2023 08:43

And quite honestly I prefer have them under my own roof as then I know what's going on and who is in my home. This is probably very unreasonable but I always hated DC going to sleepovers where there were adult males that I don't know present.

Viviennemary · 13/12/2023 09:02

I dont like sleepover either. Far too much bother and disruption. But you have to do what you have to do. It's part of being a parent. It only needs to be once in a while.,

WaitingForMojo · 13/12/2023 10:07

I do actually think it’s likely to negatively affect emotional development. Maybe it didn’t impact yours, but you’re clearly not the majority. The others will all bond, and she will be invited to fewer if you don’t reciprocate. It’s important, and you just don’t like it.

i have one dc (autistic), who doesn’t like or cope with sleepovers. I’d be delighted if they did want one. Not because it would be fun for me, it really wouldn’t, but because it would ultimately benefit them.

you’ve clearly decided not to, you’re being hugely inflexible. Your twins could sleep with you, or with the friends, or you could just let them sleep downstairs and accept a bit of mess. You clearly don’t want to and you want to prioritise that over your DD’s wants, even needs, so you’re being a bit shit really. Up to you. But not sure why you asked here if you’re so sure it’s not a big deal.

TheaBrandt · 13/12/2023 10:08

It’s the preteen version of soft play. Purgatory for the parents but they love it so you do it for them.

That said prob best op doesn’t if she’s fretting and stressing and resentful in the background it won’t be much fun.

WaitingForMojo · 13/12/2023 10:09

Yes, they’ll be tied and in a bad mood afterwards. That’s par for the course and doesn’t negate what they got out of it. If you never do anything that makes them tired and grumpy and in need of a rest afterwards, they’ll have a pretty boring life.

Singleandproud · 13/12/2023 10:12

Do you live near a Haven or similar? Super cheap outside of the season hire a caravan, girls get to have a sleepover and free swimming and evening entertainment to tire them out. It's what I do a couple of times a year as DD is autistic and enjoys having a sleepover but not having people in her space

Stephjmumof3 · 13/12/2023 10:50

Oh dear. I might be the odd one out here. But I don't allow sleepovers at my place 🤣 my eldest is 15 and I haven't allowed anyone to sleep over.
Same reasons as you OP.
I have a middle daughter (autistic,but irrelevant to my opinion ha) and a younger one who's 7.

I have no desire to have extra children here sleeping on floors,I do not want the extra mess,and I certainly don't want my younger kids cranky all day cause nobody has actually slept.
They aren't for me. Neither is the mess of spilled drinks and food,or the asking to eat upstairs.
Yes I am that mum that makes the kids keep food and drinks at the dining table,apart from water upstairs.🤣
They can have all the sleepovers in the world when they're old enough to do it in their own houses hahaha

paddlinglikecrazy · 13/12/2023 10:55

I’ve not read all the responses, but at 11 I think a sleepover every now and again shouldn’t be a problem.
can you get younger DC go to grandparents or relatives for the night ? Then older DC can sleep upstairs and then you get to send them to bed ?
my DC had 5 mates sleepover for his 12th Birthday, they were noisy & messy but they had a blast.
I’m a super tidy person too but I just set a few rules, I did let them go to bed really late but it was a weekend and my younger DC went to one of DC friends younger siblings for his own sleepover.
I only really let them have friends over a couple of times a year and because of the lack of sleep they’re both happy enough with that !

Beezknees · 13/12/2023 10:59

Stephjmumof3 · 13/12/2023 10:50

Oh dear. I might be the odd one out here. But I don't allow sleepovers at my place 🤣 my eldest is 15 and I haven't allowed anyone to sleep over.
Same reasons as you OP.
I have a middle daughter (autistic,but irrelevant to my opinion ha) and a younger one who's 7.

I have no desire to have extra children here sleeping on floors,I do not want the extra mess,and I certainly don't want my younger kids cranky all day cause nobody has actually slept.
They aren't for me. Neither is the mess of spilled drinks and food,or the asking to eat upstairs.
Yes I am that mum that makes the kids keep food and drinks at the dining table,apart from water upstairs.🤣
They can have all the sleepovers in the world when they're old enough to do it in their own houses hahaha

Why have kids if you're not willing to let them be kids? I don't get it.

CityOfFriends · 13/12/2023 11:34

I don't know if you're still reading, probably not going by your last post but there's nothing wrong with enforcing boundaries in your own house.

If friends children do XYZ because their parents let them, you can push back and say we don't do that here!

Last mass sleepover we did didn't go too well (it was my child who had a strop 😬) but individual sleepovers are fine. Stick to one or two friends at a time and it won't be too bad.

Explain the rules to them in advance. They're 11, old enough to understand and obey.

morellamalessdrama · 13/12/2023 11:34

Some of my fondest friendship memories are from sleepovers as a child.

I have hosted them for my own children. Just once or twice a year, they don't sleep but it's one day being tired, not the end of the world.

But, if you are overly anxious about a bit of untidiness I wouldn't bother hosting one as you'll just make it stressful for everyone which is no fun!

Bbq1 · 13/12/2023 12:11

Sleepovers are part if childhood /young teen years. We had many and mt dc went to many from about 6 years old. All if the children were pretty polite and respectful. By age 11 why are the children pulling toys out, squishing cake into the carpet and spilling drinks? You are the parent. Have the sleepovers but tell the kids the ground rules first if you must.

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 12:16

Stephjmumof3 · 13/12/2023 10:50

Oh dear. I might be the odd one out here. But I don't allow sleepovers at my place 🤣 my eldest is 15 and I haven't allowed anyone to sleep over.
Same reasons as you OP.
I have a middle daughter (autistic,but irrelevant to my opinion ha) and a younger one who's 7.

I have no desire to have extra children here sleeping on floors,I do not want the extra mess,and I certainly don't want my younger kids cranky all day cause nobody has actually slept.
They aren't for me. Neither is the mess of spilled drinks and food,or the asking to eat upstairs.
Yes I am that mum that makes the kids keep food and drinks at the dining table,apart from water upstairs.🤣
They can have all the sleepovers in the world when they're old enough to do it in their own houses hahaha

It's very telling that all your sentences in this post are structured around the pronouns "I" and "me".

Digestivechocolatebiscuit · 13/12/2023 12:45

I have two daughters and they had so many sleep overs.. they still talk about them now into adulthood and what fun they had.. they still have the same friends and talk about the great memories.. a couple of those friends weren't allowed to have them and still feel let down to this day.