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Original poster

I don't want dd to have a sleepover

94 replies

ItsTimeToWrite · 12/12/2023 22:06

My dd has asked a few times now if she can have a friend over for a sleepover. She's never had one and every time I say no I feel guilty. She's 11 and has told me she's the only one in her class who's never had a friend stay the night.

The truth is I hate the thought of the mess and disturbance it will cause.

I have younger dc and when dd has a friend over for a few hours my younger dc act up and become over excited. They take ages to settle once the friend has left. It usually ends with all my dc and friend squabbling. I don't know why but it does. My younger dc do not sleep great and having another person in the house will make it worse.

Dds friends are lovely but they all are very messy. They drop food everywhere and spill drinks. They pull out toys and games and leave them everywhere.

Dd has had sleepovers at their houses but from what I gather they are allowed to stay up as long as they want and basically do what they want.
On one occasion they made smoothies at 2am. I do not want children in my care using a knife at 2am!

I'm being ridiculous aren't I?

Should I let my dd have a sleepover and just deal with the aftermath?
I'm expecting to wake up the next morning to a trashed kitchen, dirty living room and some very tired and grumpy younger dc.
But I'm guessing it would make dd happy.

OP posts:

Icantbedoingwithit · 13/12/2023 00:23

Why can they not sleep in the bedroom??

TheaBrandt · 13/12/2023 00:29

I have really happy memories of sleep overs at my best friends house from age 6. They were a big feature of primary school
social life for both mine but we were fortunate that we liked and socialised with their friends parents. Now most weekends they are somewhere else or their friends are here. Totally normal for us not a big drama.

WaitingForMojo · 13/12/2023 00:37

I think it’s very unfair not to. I hate them, I’m autistic and struggle with the noise and people in my house… but I do think you are being a bit rigid and unfair. If something gets spilt can it not just be cleaned up? Or have a food only in the kitchen rule?

why can’t they sleep in the bedroom, does dd share a room? Can things be switched around so that sibling is in another room etc?

It does sound a bit joyless.

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junebirthdaygirl · 13/12/2023 00:54

If dd shares a room with a sibling can they sleep in with you for the night so she can have the sleepover in her room.A mattress on the floor maybe. Sleepovers are a bit of a pain especially if there is a big group and they're not settling but having one child over should be OK. Your dd is 11 so set ground rules for her saying you are happy to do this regularly if she acts half normal around tidiness etc. Up to her then. But do it if you can as she will be so happy.
Saying that my dd had a friend right through school who came here on lots of sleepovers but she never had one at her house. Think her mum felt their house wasn't up to standard although it seemed fine. Dd never cared/ l never cared and it didn't affect the friendship.

Original poster

ItsTimeToWrite · 13/12/2023 07:22

For what it's worth I never had any friends stay over and it didn't effect my emotional development. I think that comment was really an overreaction.

Dd has stayed out at many sleepovers herself. She tends not to sleep well and comes home in a real grumpy mood. One sleepover she stayed up till 7am. Within two days she developed a nasty virus and ended up missing 3 days of school. She'd actually never had a virus that bad before!

It doesn't help all her friends parents are very laid back and have an attitude where you can basically trash the place. I wouldn't allow that so I reckon the sleepover would seem boring to them. I would have too many rules.

Those asking why they can't sleep in dd bedroom, she has two younger siblings. Yes they all share one room and no the siblings cannot sleep elsewhere. Nor can they stay in the room for the sleepover. The only place dd and friend can sleep would be the living room.

OP posts:

megletthesecond · 13/12/2023 07:26

Mine have never hosted a sleepover. I simply couldn't cope with my younger child kicking off, and they've ruined the house anyway. My elder teen has been to lots and has loads of friends. It's not an essential life skill.

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 07:30

Slightly different situation but my mum refused to let me take packed lunches at primary school because she said it would be too much bother for her. All my friends took packed lunches and they ate lunch at a completely different time slot so they were all together every lunch time and I was on my own, as the only one of our friendship group eating school dinners.

30 years later I still think it was really unfair of her to deny me basic social opportunities that all my friends were getting just because she thought it would make extra work for her.

Your daughter isn't asking for sleepovers every week. Just let her have one from time to time and suck it up.

TheaBrandt · 13/12/2023 07:31

Sounds like you don’t want to and aren’t going to. Fair enough she will survive.

That said i would personally feel uncomfortable being repeatedly hosted and not reciprocating (though it doesn’t bother many people as I see in my own adult social life 🙄)

TheaBrandt · 13/12/2023 07:34

I also wouldn’t like the fact that my choice to have a larger family was negatively impacting my older children and would do all I could to negate that.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/12/2023 07:35

Yabu..
Because - my dds both had a lovely childhood. We've been on safari's, Disneyland, Lapland, horse riding, indoor skydiving, etc, that kind of lifestyle. And sleepovers often from about the age of 5.

What was their favourite thing, their favourite memories? Sleepovers.

Original poster

ItsTimeToWrite · 13/12/2023 07:37

TheaBrandt · 13/12/2023 07:34

I also wouldn’t like the fact that my choice to have a larger family was negatively impacting my older children and would do all I could to negate that.

Yea because it's a choice to have twins isn't it

OP posts:

TheaBrandt · 13/12/2023 07:39

It is what it is. Not your older dds fault though.

ThreeRingCircus · 13/12/2023 07:40

It's one night and would make your daughter happy! I'm sorry but you're being really uptight. I still fondly remember having friends over for sleepovers when I was a kid.

Changed18 · 13/12/2023 07:44

My DD loves a sleepover and has them fairly often. I’m never thrilled at the idea but they make her very happy. You could have one and see how it goes. I might say we’ll give it a go, just a manageable number of friends with clear rules like no cake in the living room. If it goes well - and there’s no cake on the sofa - you can have others.

I imagine your younger children will want them too in the future and she might resent it in future if she couldn’t but they can.

AuntieMarys · 13/12/2023 07:45

Just enforce some boundaries! Mine had them at that age but it was lights out and quiet at 11. Staying in bedrooms, not roaming the house. Don't feed them piles of crap.

Original poster

ItsTimeToWrite · 13/12/2023 07:45

@TheaBrandt of course it isn't! I consider all my dc needs when it's a decision that will affect the family. There are more important things in life than a sleepover.

Anyway, I've decided I will get Christmas out of the way and then decide then if we can all cope with a sleepover. Maybe during the holidays when we don't have to all be up at the crack of dawn.

OP posts:

TheaBrandt · 13/12/2023 07:48

Well yes that’s your view as an adult. Not sure an 11 year old who’s been to many sleepovers but never hosted one herself would agree with that statement.

ohdamnitjanet · 13/12/2023 07:48

I was rarely allowed friends to even come to the house, never mind sleep over, when I was young. Of course I’m not damaged emotionally, but I remember how I felt and it wasn’t great. I couldn’t wait to go my bf house for a sleepover where I was welcomed and included by her family. Granted I was a teen and we never made a mess or ate food all over the house, different times and house rules. So I always welcomed my sons friends whenever they wanted to come over, and now he’s a young adult living at home I still do. And he still has sleepovers 😆

ActDottie · 13/12/2023 07:51

At 11 she should be having sleepovers they’re exciting and part of growing up at that age.

So yes you are being ridiculous. All that you describe is just normal kids being kids stuff. Let her have a sleepover.

Ju1ieAndrews · 13/12/2023 07:52

You say that your lack of sleepovers didn't affect your emotional development, and maybe that's true.

But you also are unwilling to put the wants of your child ahead of your own, once in a while and for a few hours. That doesn't seem particularly emotionally developed to me.

Daisies12 · 13/12/2023 07:58

I think you’re being really mean. It’s clearly important to her, just suck it up., for the sake of some mess which they can help clear up. You’re massively over thinking it, we do it all the time and have from young age. Don’t even think twice about it

fpqand · 13/12/2023 08:00

Seems a shame your daughter is missing out on what is usually such a fun part of the pre teen/teen years because you have 2 younger children.

Hmmthatsgoodchicken · 13/12/2023 08:02

I used to love a good sleepover when I was younger.

DD has had her fair share of sleepovers, none of which has resulted in making smoothies at 2am.
1 did involve popcorn at midnight (she was about 13 and can be trusted in the kitchen)

Generally now sleepovers are for a purpose. All her friends live in many different directions and collecting and bringing them here can take 2 hours, so I collect them one day- they sleepover (and they do sleep) then they have to get up early and I take them to a theme park or bowling or trampolining or even shopping. Then they either sleep over again or I drop them off en route.

The first sleepover will be the worst for you, because DD will be so excited you're other DC will be excited. But if you do it a few times, everyone settles down because it becomes normal.

ginoohginoginelli · 13/12/2023 08:05

I wasn't allowed sleepovers when I was a child so I was determined my kids would absolutely be allowed to have friends stay. Yes it can be annoying but you just need to suck it up.
Why can't they stay in her room? We essentially just shut the door on them and leave them to it, reminding them to go to sled when needed (and they do).
Your daughter clearly feels like she's missing out and it would be very easy for you to help her with that. Just do it!

NorthernAttitude · 13/12/2023 08:08

I'm going to go against the grain here and say you shouldn't have a sleepover. Meant kindly, you sound too stressed and anxious to have one and I think that would come across and it wouldn't be much fun. My DD has had what feels like millions of sleepovers but her best friend has never had one - she and her parents just don't like hosting - but it's not affected their friendships at all. Think of a different treat for your daughter that doesn't cause so much stress.

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