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Original poster

I don't want dd to have a sleepover

94 replies

ItsTimeToWrite · 12/12/2023 22:06

My dd has asked a few times now if she can have a friend over for a sleepover. She's never had one and every time I say no I feel guilty. She's 11 and has told me she's the only one in her class who's never had a friend stay the night.

The truth is I hate the thought of the mess and disturbance it will cause.

I have younger dc and when dd has a friend over for a few hours my younger dc act up and become over excited. They take ages to settle once the friend has left. It usually ends with all my dc and friend squabbling. I don't know why but it does. My younger dc do not sleep great and having another person in the house will make it worse.

Dds friends are lovely but they all are very messy. They drop food everywhere and spill drinks. They pull out toys and games and leave them everywhere.

Dd has had sleepovers at their houses but from what I gather they are allowed to stay up as long as they want and basically do what they want.
On one occasion they made smoothies at 2am. I do not want children in my care using a knife at 2am!

I'm being ridiculous aren't I?

Should I let my dd have a sleepover and just deal with the aftermath?
I'm expecting to wake up the next morning to a trashed kitchen, dirty living room and some very tired and grumpy younger dc.
But I'm guessing it would make dd happy.

OP posts:

Icantbedoingwithit · 13/12/2023 14:06

Stephjmumof3 · 13/12/2023 10:50

Oh dear. I might be the odd one out here. But I don't allow sleepovers at my place 🤣 my eldest is 15 and I haven't allowed anyone to sleep over.
Same reasons as you OP.
I have a middle daughter (autistic,but irrelevant to my opinion ha) and a younger one who's 7.

I have no desire to have extra children here sleeping on floors,I do not want the extra mess,and I certainly don't want my younger kids cranky all day cause nobody has actually slept.
They aren't for me. Neither is the mess of spilled drinks and food,or the asking to eat upstairs.
Yes I am that mum that makes the kids keep food and drinks at the dining table,apart from water upstairs.🤣
They can have all the sleepovers in the world when they're old enough to do it in their own houses hahaha

That all sounds very controlling and also very sad.

slowwalkofshame · 13/12/2023 14:08

I'd let her have a sleep over, I get that it will be messy and disruptive but it seems a shame she is missing out on this.

DingDongMerrilyOnHi · 13/12/2023 14:16

I have 3 DD’s and hate sleepovers with a passion for the reasons you have listed however I have and do sometimes just grin and bear it…

In terms of noise, mess disruption I have always just said to them Make sure you’re sensible or it won’t happen again and that seems to be enough to keep some kind of line…

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Families

TheaBrandt · 13/12/2023 14:42

Yes good point Margaret!

Yes what parent loves sleepovers?! None! But early secondary they were the absolute staple of both my girls social lives. Often have just one or two good friends might make their own pizza have a chat with us then go to their room to watch a film on the laptop / gossip etc. No drama or mess really. Actually one friend did an incredible job of tidying up the kitchen better than when I do it she is always welcome!

DangerousAlchemy · 13/12/2023 16:19

Changingmynameyetagain · 12/12/2023 23:48

I hate sleep overs with a passion.
I once relented and allowed DD to have one for her 9th birthday, it was awful, she had 7 kids sleeping over!
They stayed up ridiculously late and woke up at the crack of dawn, never again!

Both my DS have had a friend stay over, but I’ve never allowed my children to sleep out at a friends house. And tbh I’m never allowing anyone to stay at ours again.

But that's because you had 7 kids round!! Sleepovers can just involve one friend over you know 🤣🤣

Deathraystare · 13/12/2023 19:00

11 is old enough to be able to follow 'house rules'. Tell them food and drink in kitchen/whatever room only. No food/drink to be taken upstairs. Lights out at whatever time yo suggest. Tell your daughter this and then repeat when the others come.

I always knew how to behave at friends' houses. Mostly common sense but also the daughter of the house would whisper "Mum says we mustn't take food/drink upstairs" etc etc

Deathraystare · 13/12/2023 19:01

I also knew to thank the mum for having me!

GreenFields07 · 13/12/2023 20:51

OP, I also have twins and an older DD. I would never dream of stopping DD having a sleepover because she has younger siblings. Thats not her fault. You say your DD also shares a room with them, she deserves a bloody sleepover here and there. Let her have some bonding time with friends, it might not be enjoyable for you but its just part of being a parent. My mum never let me have sleepovers, and at 33 its something that I do actually resent because its such a big part of growing up. I wish id gotten to experience that, so I won't take that away from my kids. You sound like you care more about abit of mess and disruption for one night, over the feelings of your poor DD

TheaBrandt · 13/12/2023 20:57

We had a modest house and I had two younger siblings but my lovely mum made damn sure I was able to have the odd sleepover. Looking back I appreciate what she did as it was obviously abit of a pain.

Inviting 7 primary aged kids for a sleepover then declaring “that was a nightmare never again” is daft and unfair. The best sleepovers are with one max two close friends and like it or not are important for girls late primary early secondary. Parenting isn’t all about the little kids you know - you need to keep doing it and adapt what you do as they get older.

purplehair1 · 14/12/2023 07:43

My kids had wonderful sleepovers with large numbers of their friends. My ‘rule’ though, which helped me enormously was that after the sleepover they had to fully clean up so the room was as it was before (including hoovering etc) or they wouldn’t be allowed another one. Worked well.

Riverstep · 14/12/2023 07:58

Sounds a bit miserable tbh. Very few parents actually like having sleepovers but they have them anyway, for their dc benefit. Any mess can be cleaned up the next day.

OneMiniMincePieTooFar · 14/12/2023 08:05

God bless my mum for putting up with all the sleepovers. Mine with my girl friends and then later, my brother and all his 'band' mates.

We have so many happy memories of them and - as everyone aged - I think Mum started to enjoy having them round. Certainly, many of those who had been sleepover attendees would each stop by and visit her long after my brother and I had left home. Just for a chat and cup of tea.

RampantIvy · 14/12/2023 08:12

I don't understand the comments about sleepover guests trashing the house. DD had loads of sleepovers and none of her friends trashed the house. It wasn't an option as I simply wouldn't have allowed it, and DR knew that (it is a normal house, not a show home). I have always taken good care of my things, and DD has grown up to do the same.

When she was a teenager we hosted and she went to larger group sleepovers. Again, no trashing took place.

Sceptre86 · 14/12/2023 09:45

If you didn't want to do sleepovers then why let your kid go over to theirs? Why not just stick to plsydates instead? It just sets a precedent. As a parent it is important to be firm in your boundaries, whatever they are and you have to have confidence that you are making the right decisions for your family.

If you want to do a sleepovers then be firm, they are not babies, toys should be put away before moving to the next set, eat in the kitchen or dining room if you have one rather than the living room, if they make mess then you get them to tidy it. Do you have a partner? If so do the sleepovers when they are present so that they can share the load. Maybe have special snacks bought in that they can share for a midnight feast. Take your other two up at their regular sleep time and be prepared that they might take longer to settle. Don't have any major plans for the next day. Ask the other parents to pick their child up after breakfast so you aren't having to do drop offs.

I don't do sleepovers,l and don't think it harms their emotional development or anything else. We have 3 kids and I simply do not want the responsibility of other people's children overnight.

TheOccupier · 14/12/2023 10:15

Poor DD, missing out on a normal and fun part of childhood because you can't control her younger siblings.

megletthesecond · 14/12/2023 11:26

Sleepovers shouldn't be reciprocal. They just don't work for everyone, especially if siblings or parents have health issues / SEN.

RampantIvy · 14/12/2023 12:59

They just don't work for everyone, especially if siblings or parents have health issues / SEN.

That's fair enough. DD is an only, so I had no objection to her having sleepovers. They used to sleep in one of the spare bedrooms as her room was too small.

TheaBrandt · 15/12/2023 09:40

Thinking about it not a weekend goes by without my 15 year old either staying at a friends house or them here and this has gone on for years now. Usually 1-3 of them. They are no trouble or drama.

Stephjmumof3 · 18/12/2023 17:23

I guess it's all a matter of opinion!
I have 3 daughters,one autistic aswell. Every night after school I have various children here for dinner,in and out they all come. I take children home to parents who don't drive at least twice a week 🤣
Not to mention taking the kids to various clubs they want to go to etc etc.
I wouldn't say,that drawing the line at no sleepovers means I don't allow them to be kids haha

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