Is it good for uni students to live away from home?

[UniStu]

DD is applying for unis for next year. She is considering living at home and commuting to a local uni to cut down on living costs. Will this make it more difficult for her to make good friends with other students if she stays living at home? Obviously, we will support whichever option she chooses.

Could she go to the local university, but live in halls for her first year to make it easier to make friends? You will doubtless get a range of views on this topic, but for me a really important part of the university experience was moving away from home and living with other students. Nearly all of my closest friends were people I met through living in halls.

The life experience of living away is nothing you can replicate at home. From having to learn to put up with messy flatmates, learning your tolerance levels etc.

I think going to university is about the whole experience and just as much about living away from home and being independent in a structured and supported way as it is about what you learn in lectures. I'd encourage living in halls at least for the first year.

I lived away for uni and my other siblings lived at home. I think I did gain better skills and a broader outlook than they did (they've continued to always live in the same area we grew up in, which is London to be fair).

I think it also depends on your local uni. It would be a shame to forgo a place at a uni with a better reputation just because it's cheaper to live at home and go to the local uni.

My just turned 18 year old DD moved away for Uni in the summer. It has really done her the world of good, she is really happy and meeting lots of new friends.

Well, everyone is going to tell you she needs to be independent and you’re holding her back etc etc 🥱

I went to uni at 18, looking back it was just bizarre that a teenage girl was put into a mixed sex houseshare where I had guys eyeing me up in my towel as I left the shower etc. I was constantly sexually harassed I mean constantly. A guy even climbed in my bedroom window in the middle of the night. Being groped was commonplace.

The harassment combined with constantly being given free alcohol meant I ended up having sex with some men that I didn’t want to. Because I was a very drunk teenager living with men I’d been told were my friends and didn’t know how to say no (and make them listen to it) when they started undressing me.

I wish I’d been living at home and I think it is fucked up how little our culture protects young women.

It’s a very different experience living at home to moving away, it depends what she wants… if it’s a qualification then home is fine, if it’s the full student experience then IME you need to live there and immerse yourself in it…

Honestly? From the vantage point of late middle age I’d say our current undergraduate’s learning has been perhaps 20% academic / 80% life skills from living amidst their peers. The experience they’ve gained from student flats and house shares has been astonishing. Navigating shared mistakes, fallings out, landlords, cooking as a daily necessity rather than occasional entertainment, budgeting … And there’s no way they’d have managed quite so much fun commuting to a local Uni from home.

I’m more and more furious at this government’s incremental pressure to deprive the majority of students of this transformative experience and to make it impossible for all but millionaire Tory supporters to study away from home.

@Ardith I’m sorry you had that experience. It sounds as if there were any number of structural and safeguarding failings at your institution.

(I can tell you that en suite bathrooms are very much a thing nowadays in Uni halls - and by the time students move into shared houses they have a better idea of who they’re sharing with.)

But inevitably some young people will arrive at university less well prepared, either to protect themselves or to behave respectfully to others. Most adults do have to learn these skills at some point, though - wherever they live.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience Ardith but you must know that it isn't universal? Every University I have ever looked at had at least some single sex accomodation available, either completely single sex halls or single sex flats within self catering blocks. The options aren't only a mixed sex house or stay at home. I wouldn't be keen on the kind of set up you describe either, and my DD lived in single sex accomodation throughout her degree. I don't presume that means she lived like a nun (I literally lived with nuns when I was at University but I certainly didn't behave like one!) but it did give her a safer haven to come home to. I think your story does give a salutary warning to new students but surely the message is about choosing University and accommodation as carefully as you can and being aware of the risks, not that you should stay at home?
I do think that living increasingly independently is an important benefit of student life and there are things that students who stay at home miss out on.
OP it's worth bearing in mind that some Universities don't offer accomodation to students living within a certain distance due to shortage of rooms so if she picks a local University she may not get the choice. Obviously she could still rent privately, but University owned property might be off the menu.

I really don’t understand a lot of this.

I went to uni and stayed in halls when I was 17 in the 1970s. I was from a very traditional religious culture.

Even then, the boys and girls had separate shower facilities. And if someone climbed in your bedroom window you should have reported it to the university authorities.

I don’t know of anyone thinking that being groped in halls / house share / classes was normal. Yes it was normal in clubs / student union.

I don’t know where you got all the free alcohol but there wasn’t any when I was at uni. We were all hard up and it was expensive. Where were you that it’s was free and you were forced to take it and have sex ?

my DD was at uni in the last ten years and what you say wasn’t true then either.

yes our culture doesn’t protect young women but some of what you say happened to you was is about your own choices and lack of boundaries.

I'm so sorry you went through that. It certainly wasn't the experience I had at 18 in halls. My halls were mixed and the bathrooms were too and nobody I knew had any issues like that. I'm so sorry you did. Uni students are adults though not 'girls' so mixed sex accomodation is relatively common although I think shared bathrooms are probably less common these days as more places have en suites.

I think either is fine OP but she probably needs to know that if she stays at home then she might have to work harder at making friends. It's doable but just more effort needed.

I think living in student accommodation is brilliant for meeting lots of people and trying out the "living away from home" experience.

But these days lots of uni students do commute to save costs - she certainly won't be the only one.

Is your local uni good for the course she wants to do? She could ask what percentage of the students commute.

I started at home. About 50% of my cohort did. It was the best decision at the time. As the course was excellent. But I wish now I'd gone away. I missed out on the university experience. As it was a tiny campus, well away from
The main university.

On the other hand, I had no student debt.

It will be more effort to make friends if she doesn't live in halls.

Is it important to her to make new friends? Does she have good social skills?

People who are a bit shy or introverted will struggle because you need to be quite sociable to make close friends from student societies etc. It's often better to be in halls.

At my uni you could request single sex accommodation, which i did. We also had ensuite. My flat was also full of women who had all had gap years so we were the same age.

Also useful way to meet friends to then continue to live with in further years.

I went to local which had mainly local people in (not everyone can afford to move for money or life situation) and quite a lots of people forged good friendships out of it. Being local also meant that we could meet up over summer etc.
Just to add.
As others said though living away does teach skills living at home doesn't.

I lived at home during my Uni years, I never had difficulties in making friends. I still had an amazing experience. I think it bizarre that students who attend third level education in or near their home town move into halls or house-shares.

Living on your own in uni halls is like an island... if you don't bring it there, you won't find it there.

Meaning, if your kid is a slob beforehand, he's going to be that slob that everyone hates throughout his tenure. Teach him the survival skills before he gets there... basic cooking, organisation, how to budget, then he'll stand a chance:).

I stayed at home, drove into lectures and back. I did my own cooking and cleaning at home and still kept my part time job so no student debt. I made so many friends many of whom I still have. I didn't miss out on anything.

For me personally and pretty much everyone I know who went to university, living away from home was the main point of going. But with hindsight, that's a bit daft. I do know a couple of people who ended up commuting from home and both have done fine.

I think you can probably take it as a compliment. One of the reasons I was so keen to leave was that my parents were barely getting on (they split up a year after I graduated). There were positive reasons to leave as well, I wanted to make my own life and my own choices and I did love it. I'm happy that ds has chosen to go away, personally, and would have been quite reluctant post-Covid not to see him go through the undoubted extra growing up of living independently.

Ds is commuting to a local uni, as are quite a few of the students on his course (computing subject). I think it’s getting more common, due to the cost of living and amount of debt they leave uni with. A couple who started in halls have actually ended up giving up their rooms in halls and moved back home to commute instead.

He’s made good friends with others on his course and through a couple of societies he joined relating to his main interests/hobbies and has never been happier.

He still socialises with other students in the evenings and meets them for lunch etc. The only difference is he doesn’t sleep on campus, although I suspect he could just crash in one of their rooms if he needed to occasionally - just like my mates who were in private/off-campus rentals used to stay over at my on-campus flat sometimes after a late night at the student union.

He says he may consider a house/flat share for one year of his course if any of his new friends want to, just for the experience, but is happy as things are for now.

Short answer? Yes. Long answer? Also YES! Can't put a price on independence.

Depends on the uni. I think most of the time it's best to move away and find your own feet. Living locally but not at uni will still be isolating.

However I've noticed students in London are so spread about it probably is better to live at home and commute if you can. Just bear in mind your child will be at the mercy of friends to let them stay a night when out.