Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is it good for uni students to live away from home?

102 replies

UniStu · 11/12/2023 19:40

DD is applying for unis for next year. She is considering living at home and commuting to a local uni to cut down on living costs. Will this make it more difficult for her to make good friends with other students if she stays living at home? Obviously, we will support whichever option she chooses.

OP posts:
Gruelle · 12/12/2023 09:58

I hated it. The drink, the drugs, the casual sex.

If I had a younger daughter thinking of university now - I hope I’d be equipping her with the strength of character, wit, and independence of mind to choose how she conducts herself in social situations amongst her peers. Probably by ensuring she has a wide ranging and active social / extra curricular life through her school years. Plus unstinting continuous conversation at home.

Obviously students are going to experiment and make mistakes and probably do things they regret or come to be ashamed of. But I’d be surprised if most leave with the impression that they’ve been consistently or repeatedly forced into activities or a lifestyle they’re completely at odds with.

It really is up to parents to prepare their offspring for the step into young adulthood - I would imagine it’s a huge disadvantage if a young person don’t have that supportive relationship with a parent or guardian before and during their university years.

I know this sounds preachy - but I’m drawing on the conversations we’re having with our own current undergraduate. They’ve reflected a lot on the comparative experiences of those of their peers who arrived socially well prepared, and those who didn’t.

Oh - it’s also worth saying that some universities now make specific provision for students who want to avoid the more raucous lifestyle. You can opt for ‘quiet’ accommodation - which should provide a buffer, if needed.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 12/12/2023 10:03

Gruelle · 12/12/2023 09:58

I hated it. The drink, the drugs, the casual sex.

If I had a younger daughter thinking of university now - I hope I’d be equipping her with the strength of character, wit, and independence of mind to choose how she conducts herself in social situations amongst her peers. Probably by ensuring she has a wide ranging and active social / extra curricular life through her school years. Plus unstinting continuous conversation at home.

Obviously students are going to experiment and make mistakes and probably do things they regret or come to be ashamed of. But I’d be surprised if most leave with the impression that they’ve been consistently or repeatedly forced into activities or a lifestyle they’re completely at odds with.

It really is up to parents to prepare their offspring for the step into young adulthood - I would imagine it’s a huge disadvantage if a young person don’t have that supportive relationship with a parent or guardian before and during their university years.

I know this sounds preachy - but I’m drawing on the conversations we’re having with our own current undergraduate. They’ve reflected a lot on the comparative experiences of those of their peers who arrived socially well prepared, and those who didn’t.

Oh - it’s also worth saying that some universities now make specific provision for students who want to avoid the more raucous lifestyle. You can opt for ‘quiet’ accommodation - which should provide a buffer, if needed.

Perfect parent alert 🚨

nettie434 · 12/12/2023 10:04

But these days lots of uni students do commute to save costs - she certainly won't be the only one.

I think @MilkChocolateCookie has got it right here. For those of us who are older, it was the norm to move away. Now there are more students living at home. There are advantages beyond saving money, such as having an existing friendship group, but there are disadvantages too, like not learning to live with other people.

As long as your daughter knows the pros and cons of the two options, that will help her make a choice that's right for her.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

General education Higher education
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 12/12/2023 10:08

@Gruelle I was perfectly capable of choosing not to do anything I didn't want to do. For me, there were just too many people actively choosing to live as wildly as they could.

And I'm not going into details... but no, I didn't have a stable, supportive set of parents to help me navigate anything.

pointythings · 12/12/2023 10:32

Living independently has made my DC absolutely blossom. Even learning from when things went wrong has been good for them.

And just because there's alcohol that doesn't mean you have to drink it. My oldest doesn't drink at all.

Gruelle · 12/12/2023 10:33

Perfect parent alert 🚨

Thank God for the anonymity of the Internet …

theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 12/12/2023 10:43

For us, University left if 75% (experience) and 25% (degree) which means living away from home and experiencing life as an adult.

I admit that I spoilt my DS and he never cleaned or cooked before he lived away at 18. He now meal plans, does a weekly shop and cooks meals that I didn’t cook when I was at Uni (mine were much more basic!) He even says he cleans his room regularly as it wants it to look good - not sure who for…? 😉

To be honest, if either of my sons had said they wanted to go to University but life at home, I would have tried to persuade them to get a job/apprenticeship instead and save themselves the expense. There are so many young people going to Uni these days that they don’t appear to get better jobs than those who haven’t been unless they’ve done a pretty specialist degree.

PostmansKnock · 12/12/2023 11:47

Save your money, buy a house:

When does it end though? Don't go out with friends....save your money, buy a house. Don't travel ...save your money, buy a house. Don't learn to drive. ...save your money, buy a house.

One of my friends dh's suggested that instead of going to university his dd should be 'saving for retirement'.

Ohmylovejune · 12/12/2023 11:58

My DD did an apprenticeship and that was a far bigger adjustment.

No halls or help to find accommodation. He trawled spareroom and then took the train to the city to check the place existed before paying a deposit. He had to work in the day and study at night and holidays were the legal job minimum.

He also had a ball in many ways, but he did have to become an adult quickly as he was living with other adults in a HMO. Study was very independent although knowing you would lose your job if you didn't pass was probably a strong silent motivator. He doesn't drink much so being with adults most of whom had been there, done that, did suit him. And possibly they did keep an eye on him and help him adjust - wouldn't we all?

Ohmylovejune · 12/12/2023 11:58

Ds!

Desecratedcoconut · 12/12/2023 12:01

I think it's a good pragmatic solution to reducing the amount of financial burden if you are near a suitable uni and having more time to work on your degree alone, rather than doing paid work to keep everything going, would improve the experience and the outcome.

And some of the kids who go to uni looking first and foremost for a school camp experience end up just pissing their time away.

LlynTegid · 12/12/2023 12:20

I doubt if your DD will be alone in making the choice she wishes to make. I don't blame her one bit.

gooddayruby · 12/12/2023 13:28

I didn't and regretted it so so so much. You feel Left out if you don't

sandletown · 12/12/2023 13:32

Mine lived at home. She was doing a medical degree, so no time to party, it was very full on. She didn't want to have the expense of paying for accommodation and also knew she wouldn't want to live somewhere noisy/messy where she wouldn't be able to get enough sleep. It worked well. She made friends at uni, kept her own friends and kept the costs down.

WrongSwanson · 12/12/2023 13:40

theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 12/12/2023 10:43

For us, University left if 75% (experience) and 25% (degree) which means living away from home and experiencing life as an adult.

I admit that I spoilt my DS and he never cleaned or cooked before he lived away at 18. He now meal plans, does a weekly shop and cooks meals that I didn’t cook when I was at Uni (mine were much more basic!) He even says he cleans his room regularly as it wants it to look good - not sure who for…? 😉

To be honest, if either of my sons had said they wanted to go to University but life at home, I would have tried to persuade them to get a job/apprenticeship instead and save themselves the expense. There are so many young people going to Uni these days that they don’t appear to get better jobs than those who haven’t been unless they’ve done a pretty specialist degree.

This logic makes no sense

I think people need to uncouple the benefits of living away from home from the benefits of university

You don't need to go to university to move away from home. If that's the primary driver you can just get a job in another city.

Original poster
UniStu · 12/12/2023 13:43

Thanks everyone for all the viewpoints offered. Much food for thought.

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 12/12/2023 14:35

My daughter goes to a local uni and still lives at home. It has saved her money on accommodation. She has made a lot of friends and attends events regularly. I don’t think staying at home has taken away the uni experience for her.

HardStareBear · 12/12/2023 15:09

I've found that living away from home has made my son far more considerate and mindful when he's back at home for the holidays. He will ask if there's anything that I'd like him to do around the house, and sees (and does) some of the household tasks without prompting. He always helped when asked before living away but he now is proactive about being a functioning, adult human.

Whoopitywhoops · 12/12/2023 15:59

WrongSwanson · 12/12/2023 07:51

Sorry but quite a lot of people have a difficult experience at university. It's such a myth that it's the "best days of your life".
Lots of people have mental health problems or experience a trauma of some sort. They might put on a brave face though.

You only have to look at the current news headlines re Bristol to know that things can go horribly wrong. And Bristol University are fighting the idea they have a duty of care to students 🤷‍♀️

I agree it can be a good experience but I think for many it is actually a mixed experience at best.

Show quote history

Nothing wrong with going through a few tough times is there though? It sounds like a few on here have been through truly traumatic experiences but the vast majority of people at uni don't. Yes there's stumbling blocks along the way but isn't that just life? Certainly nobody I know went through a horrific time at uni. Ups and downs yes. That's not to say it doesn't happen to some but it would happen to some who didn't go to uni too.

tokesqueen · 12/12/2023 16:22

My two DS and my young nephew all live away. They have thrived. Are making lots of new friends, budgeting, fending for themselves. My other older nephew tried but couldn't manage and commutes from home. He has very few friends and really, life is not much different than when he was at school.
Importantly though, both groups are happy and everyone's needs and personalities are different.
But no, first nephew isn't getting the same uni or life experiences and I feel will be much slower to move on in life.

margotrose · 12/12/2023 16:27

Nothing wrong with going through a few tough times is there though?

No, but you also need to have decent support around you in order to come out the other side a stronger person. If not, you can end in a much worse position than you were in previously.

Gwenhwyfar · 12/12/2023 16:41

Of course it's good to move away if you can afford it.

Gwenhwyfar · 12/12/2023 16:43

"Sorry but quite a lot of people have a difficult experience at university. It's such a myth that it's the "best days of your life".
Lots of people have mental health problems or experience a trauma of some sort. They might put on a brave face though."

Well, yes, the transition to adulthood can be difficult and it was for me. It would have been much worse stuck in my childhood bedroom in my village though.

CeriB82 · 12/12/2023 18:37

I have 1 living in halls 200 miles away at another at home. Local uni is 20 miles away. Homebird us an introvert and hates mixing. Has a very small group of friends. Saves her grants/loans and bought a car on it.

other one is a livewire who loves the social life and a large group of friends. Bored at home!

it suits some.

CeriB82 · 12/12/2023 18:40

Have to say though that one living away did have a tough 1st year. Halls were quiet, struggled but we have a fab GP who saw her immediately and sorted her out. Shes now in a house is much better.

its not always the best time for many