Disappointed, let down and confused…

[popfizzle1028]

I met a guy last week when I was out and he seemed so nice. We had a good time together, swapped numbers and have been messaging since. We arranged a date for tonight but he cancelled at lunchtime saying he was too hungover but did ask to re-arrange. I gave him days when I was free, including this weekend, and he just hasn’t replied…

I know this probably sounds over-dramatic, sensitive, silly bla bla bla.. but I feel so crap about the situation. He’s been keen all week, saying he was looking forward to the date. I’ve got my hopes up and I just think he’s either going to ghost me, or say he doesn’t want to go on a date anymore.

I just don’t understand why men act like this? How can he change his mind so quickly? I find it pretty hurtful and everytime I think I’ve met a nice guy who I genuinely click with, and I thought this guy was one of them, they pull away. It does nothing for my self confidence. Please be kind in your replies. I know I have to work on my own self validation first but I honestly think sometimes I’m never, ever going to find a partner. This has happened too many times this year and I’m losing faith.

Anyone? 😔

Really sorry to hear this. It's a crappy thing to do. Hope you're OK.

I don't understand why people do this either.

I’ve spent all week thinking I’ve met a nice guy who is interested in me. So stupid 😢

I reckon he's married or living with someone. I wouldn't take it personally at all. It's pretty clear the problem lies with him. I'm sorry you are upset, but think of it is dodging a bullet.

You won't like this advice because it's not politically correct. But as an old woman, I can tell you it's the truth.

Men don't like women that are too available, or not enough of a challenge. Desperation and neediness are not attractive to them. To us women, we feel like we're being nice and giving, and giving them a chance, by doing things like sending them an itinerary of all our free days - something you said you did. To a man that just sounds needy and like you're spending your life just waiting around for him which is not attractive.

So (1) Blowing you out because he was hungover after a full 24 hours? Pathetic. If he can't make the effort don't see him again. Had you voiced politely that you felt it was a shame he couldn't get himself off the couch to meet you even for a quick drink he would have chased you. However your self worth was so little you readily accepted his lame excuse and even sent him a list of all the dates you could meet him, including a full weekend which makes you sound like you have nothing else in your life (sorry).

(2) You let it be known you would see him any time, any date he wanted. This says you are readily available, with nothing else in your life. This is not attractive to a man. He thought he was pursuing someone of high value and high self worth. (Which you are). But because you don't value yourself as such he now thinks he's made a mistake.

The best thing you can do if want a decent man is not go a date with him if he ever asks again. If they flake out at being hungover then they can't be that motivated to date you, never give him an alternative date.
Perhaps avoid the type that go on drinking binges and only give them once chance to keep to their word unless it's for very good unavoidable reason.

What pp said

Hungover? Obviously he was not planning much of a date if he decided to get that drunk the night before. It is disappointing that men can be so thoughtless , I also wonder why. If he didn't want to meet, why bother making a date. Interesting opinion from @Theredfoxfliesatmidnight

My guess is that he's met someone else; not necessarily someone he prefers, but someone new to chase. There are some men for whom it's all about the thrill of the chase and they lose interest once they have secured your interest.

If he's that hungover on a weekday, he doesn't sound like catch of the century.

Onwards and upwards, OP.

I'm older too & totally agree with @Theredfoxfliesatmidnight

Don't be so eager to please.

Agree with previous posters. The best response to someone cancelling a first date at lunchtime on the day of because they’re hungover is, “Oh, it’s a shame we won’t get to meet up after all. Hope you feel better soon.” Then block and delete.

You’re getting your hopes up way too early in the process. If some dude you met a week ago flakes on your date because he got leathered the night before and your self-worth goes down instead of you feeling relieved that you dodged a bullet, you need to work on your perspective.

If this idiot comes back to try again, the best response would be “You know, I’ve had time to think and I’m going to pass on the date. Nice to meet you though.”

He'll be in touch when he's not out on the lash with his buddies.

It's an ego trip by a fuckwit @popfizzle1028

You have had a lucky escape dodged a bullet ect...

I mean this in the nicest way….he owes you nothing and you owe him nothing.
probably better it goes no further now than having dates and being more invested.
You need a thick skin these days for dating.

I agree with @Theredfoxfliesatmidnight too - forget about him and move on you dodged a bullet! Of course you will meet someone nice but not if you are wasting your time with this loser … you are far too good for him!! Get busy doing the things you like and it will all fall into place x

This in spades....
You basically replied and said 'okay, I'm happy to wait for you to be less hungover because I have nothing else better to do!'.
A more reasonable response would have been 'that's a shame, I'm busy now but nice meeting you'.

Don’t feel low about it. Before I met my partner I had this so many times, as looking back I was too available and needy.
I remember a guy I had dated a while sent me a text to say ‘I can’t see you any more as I have now found someone I really like’. Charming!
It is age old advice but you need to make yourself busy and content in yourself so that the next man you meet sees you as a desirable catch whom he has to make an effort for. Let him do the running.

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight is right.
They have given you what I was thinking too.
Be a bit harder to get. Play it cool.

Also, if he binge drinks & gets too hung over, how immature is that? Nah, red flag’s flying! Dodged a bullet. 🚩

You might want to rethink dating a man who claims he is still hungover at lunchtime. That is not a catch nor a keeper for most grown women.
Personally, I would work on what makes me happy and do that.
Partners are not meant to be in your life because you have nothing else 🌺

I also agree with @Theredfoxfliesatmidnight - he gave you a shit excuse (hungover...and??) and you not only accepted it, you gave him a list of alternative free dates instead. If a man passes up a date with me for a hangover, he's not a fraction as interested as I need him to be. Next!

Thanks for all of your responses. I agree with not being too needy or desperate, I really do. In the past I have realised that I have been like that before and can see why it puts men off.

However, with this guy, I really don’t think I was being needy. He’s been keen to meet up again all week. He planned the date. I haven’t chased him. We’ve messaged once or twice a day. And then asked me for other times I could do when he bailed on me yesterday. It wasn’t like he just cancelled the date and said nothing else. If he had done that and then I went back with other times I was free, fine, but he didn’t.

I just can’t understand why one day he wants to see me, and less than 24 hours later he doesn’t. I mean maybe he’ll message me today, who knows….

I know I have so much to work on. It sounds stupid I know, but I’ve spent all week feeling uplifted because I had a guy interested in me. I have anxiety and depression and was feeling pretty low last week, and then this just gave me a real boost. Now I just feel quite shit again.

I need to start distracting myself I think with other things. I know it’s not HIM, but it’s the attention and intimacy I crave. But when this keeps happening, it grinds you down. Somebody said you need a thick skin whilst dating, and I couldn’t agree more 😔

If anyone has a good book about dating / self-confidence etc then let me know. I feel like I need to go back to basics sometimes.

To people who said don’t be needy etc, do you think I should have not replied to his messages during the week then? And kept it very low key?

It wasn’t like he just cancelled the date and said nothing else. If he had done that and then I went back with other times I was free, fine, but he didn’t.

You seem to be gliding right past the fact that he cancelled your first date because he was too hungover.

If he was genuinely all that into the date, he would not have gone out the night before and gotten so trashed that he couldn’t face the date the next day. It doesn’t matter that he asked when else you would be free before ghosting. The fact that he fell down at literally the first point where he had to put in any real effort (text messaging is not effort) is all the information you need about how seriously to take this guy.

I am sorry this has happened to you. I was like you when I was younger and know the feeling. I got even into bad relationships and stayed longer than I should have. So I understand.

He’s been keen to meet up again all week. He planned the date. I haven’t chased him. We’ve messaged once or twice a day.

In itself, this means nothing. It could be great, but it might not be. Remember married men, abusers, criminals are all capable of planning a date and texting a woman. Doesn't mean they are decent men of their word.

And then asked me for other times I could do when he bailed on me yesterday. It wasn’t like he just cancelled the date and said nothing else.

His reason for cancelling was still shit though, wasn't it? Asking you for other times is a bit arrogant of him if you think about it. What makes him think you would be happy to potentially be blown off again, if he drinks too much? He could be keeping you on the back burner as a potential booty call, who knows?

I am honestly not saying all this to make you feel bad. What I am saying is please don't attribute great motives to a guy when there is no basis for it. In my real life, I try to not assume malice and make great allowances for loved ones. However, what I wish I'd done when younger, is take a much harder line with dating. Don't give them so much credit. Remember when you are dating, these men are essentially strangers you have just met. You have no idea of their real motives.

I just can’t understand why one day he wants to see me, and less than 24 hours later he doesn’t.

Married
Alcoholic
Adding you to his harem and juggling other women
Emotionally unavailable
Enjoys the feeling of control and seeing how much you will put up with

That's just for starters. Maybe he's all 5 of these!

I mean maybe he’ll message me today, who knows….

Please don't spend any more time on thinking about him. If you're not actively on a great date with this guy, he's doesn't exist.

It sounds stupid I know, but I’ve spent all week feeling uplifted because I had a guy interested in me. I have anxiety and depression and was feeling pretty low last week, and then this just gave me a real boost. Now I just feel quite shit again.

Yes, I know this feeling all too well. Please seek therapy and build up your self-esteem. Please don't hand over ability to feel good about yourself to some random man. You'll be forever in the down position.

I need to start distracting myself I think with other things.

Yes, make your own single life so good that when you meet a man you'll have to think about whether he is worth it, what he is bringing to the table and so on. Never act out of desperation.

If anyone has a good book about dating / self-confidence etc then let me know. I feel like I need to go back to basics sometimes.

5 Ways Low Self-Esteem Impacts Your Dating Life - Confidently Authentic