Disappointed, let down and confused…

[popfizzle1028]

I met a guy last week when I was out and he seemed so nice. We had a good time together, swapped numbers and have been messaging since. We arranged a date for tonight but he cancelled at lunchtime saying he was too hungover but did ask to re-arrange. I gave him days when I was free, including this weekend, and he just hasn’t replied…

I know this probably sounds over-dramatic, sensitive, silly bla bla bla.. but I feel so crap about the situation. He’s been keen all week, saying he was looking forward to the date. I’ve got my hopes up and I just think he’s either going to ghost me, or say he doesn’t want to go on a date anymore.

I just don’t understand why men act like this? How can he change his mind so quickly? I find it pretty hurtful and everytime I think I’ve met a nice guy who I genuinely click with, and I thought this guy was one of them, they pull away. It does nothing for my self confidence. Please be kind in your replies. I know I have to work on my own self validation first but I honestly think sometimes I’m never, ever going to find a partner. This has happened too many times this year and I’m losing faith.

I would not delete his number but I would just wait for him to contact you again and see how you feel then.

Make other plans too but it's Xmas time and plenty of people are attending Xmas drinks and feeling very crappy you'd next day (especially if older and not a huge drinker)

Maybe he is complete waste of space or maybe legit so just wait and see, but waste too much thought on it.

Returning to comment on this. He didn’t “change his mind” —his actiins, so called, and the brief interaction you had with him were fake. He wasn’t invested in you. Those actions he took, like texting and “planning” (asking you for availability) were low cost to him so he did them. You built a fantasy around an empty candy wrapper and when it came time to unwrap it there was nothing inside. Actions speak louder than words. His action shows his real intentions.

Why are so many men such utter fucking arseholes? I just don't know what's wrong with them. I'm in my mid-late 50s now and have been with my husband for 30 years, (married over 25.) But I didn't meet him until my mid 20s. From about 17 to 23-ish, I had a whole list of men constantly letting me down, fucking me over, and treating me like shit. At least 12 of them.

A few never made it past the second or third date before they ditched me, a few went to 3 or 4 weeks, and then fucked off with someone else, and a few seemed to be going OK for 5-6 weeks, (maybe 10 dates,) and then when I shagged them, they lost interest. That was really puzzling and really hurtful. They literally used me ... Once they got the shag they wanted/another notch on their bedpost, I was history.

I actually gave up. I didn't bother with men again for a couple of years... And then I met my (now) husband in a nightclub on New Year's Eve. I was actually a little bit flippant and vague with him, and when he said 'you want to see me again?' I was like 'well if you want to...' He said 'here's my number ring me when you're ready to see me.' I said, 'I will if I have time.' Then about a week later, I rang his number and left a message on his answerphone, and said 'just ring me when you're ready.'

He rang me within about three hours and we met the following night and the rest is history.

I've heard so many stories and so many tales about women single/divorced etc. who have had man after man after man treat them like a piece of shit, and let her down like she's nothing. Why are they so cold and so rude and so nasty? Yes, I suppose you can make yourself too available and too ready for them, but also if you make yourself sound 'not interested,' then you run the risk of them saying 'well fuck you then.' It's a really tricky one, and I'm so glad I don't have to do anymore. I'm really, really sorry for you @popfizzle1028 . I hope everything works out for you and you find a man who deserves you.

As a pp said, he is possibly 'keeping you on the backburner' for when he has fuck-all else to do. So block him NOW, so he can never contact you again. He is a loser and he doesn't deserve you.

@FreshWinterMorning I couldn’t have summed it up better myself.

You’re so right - you show interest, you are labelled as being needy/desperate. So you pull away/make them chase but then what if they are interested and you are putting them off?

Honestly the whole dating scene nowadays is a fucking minefield. No wonder we have trust issues with men.

Still no response and I said I was around tonight! Who cancels a date, then asks when you’re free again, to just ignore you? What a waste of time.

Oh op. This is about you not the men, you are getting so excited any time a random man shows interest in you, and when they don’t deliver you’re crushed,

you need to try to take it slow, understands these are strangers, that it may or may not go somewhere, and not let your whole mood be dictated on whether a man is interested in you or not.

im sorry this has happened to you again, but you need to find it within yourself not to get so invested so quickly.

OP I'm sorry this happened to you.

I met my DH many years ago through online dating. I know times have changed, but all I can say is be yourself. If it's the right guy they won't be put off by you appearing keen, and equally they won't be blowing you out because of a hangover.

It definitely does have something to do with my self-validation / self-worth - I completely agree.

But I also think there are a lot of game players out there. And I think I have a lot to bring to a relationship.

What I found was helpful for me was to think about what I'd want to do for a year if I knew for sure I'd meet someone at the end of it.
So I poured my energy into amazing holidays and hobbies. I continued online dating but tried not to think about it very much.

By the time I met now DH I was in a good space and I genuinely couldn't meet him all the time because I had other things planned. I wasn't playing games but equally a partner was a lovely addition to my life but not the main focus.

Hang on hang on! Give the guy a break! You are writing him off because he apologetically broke a date then didn't reply quickly enough after?
My husband didn't call me for a WEEK after our first date. He was busy! After I married him I found out just his busy he could be (travelling 120 overnights a year, two kids etc). If I'd written him off blocked his number I wouldn't have my own gorgeous kids!
Just cool your jets and have some patience, but also don't get so hung up on someone after just a week!

Agree. I’m old too. Done it all. Seen it all.

@mondaytosunday I like your optimism but if he really wanted to see me, he would have messaged by now. We all know that.

I think there are two things: he was too hangover to be replying.. has he messaged you since? Unfortunately he wasn't interested enough not to drink the night before to be in best shape for the date.

I don't think it's you, I think it's just generally hard to find that instant connection when everything goes amazingly. Everyone struggles with that. It's not that you need to mound yourself into being a more suitable interest. Be yourself and you'll find someone who will be interested in you for who you are.

Nope. I’ve not heard from him since yesterday mid afternoon.

Who cancels a date, then asks when you’re free again, to just ignore you? What a waste of time.

@popfizzle1028

It would be a good test of the woman's level of interest and how much they are prepared to put up with, in order to work out how much attention you need to provide the woman.

OLD is absolutely a numbers game, where ruthlessness really pays. Don't give them any benefit of the doubt. When he prioritised an evening drinking over his date with you, the response has to be thanks, not no thanks.

Offering an, even, many, alternative(s) reassures him you will put up with a lot.

So. Focus on enjoying the life you have now. Do a bit of OLD on the side. Keep yourself busy with interesting things you enjoy and which have the side effect of making you much less available.

Your job when OLD is to weed them out.

When dating, people are on their best behaviour. Remember, their behaviour will not get better. Good luck.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight AGREE 10000%

Bluntly, he met someone when he got the hangover and prefers them. Move on stop analysing

Think of these early interactions as tests HE has to pass, not tests YOU have to pass. You are interviewing him, not auditioning for him.

The comments on this thread are genuinely amazing
There are some great podcasts out there
-date yourself instead
-lalaletmeexplain
-do the work

These have helped me enormously

Dating is the worst.

The only way to get through it is to firmly know your worth before interacting with any potential date.

You don't have to prove anything. He does. End of.

Think of these early interactions as tests HE has to pass, not tests YOU have to pass. You are interviewing him, not auditioning for him.

EXACTLY @pikkumyy77

Unfortunately we now live in a culture where no-strings-attached sex is a fairly low bar for most men to get over, and if not, there's always free round-the-clock porn online. So any woman looking for a committed relationship is immediately faced with more challenges to finding one than in the past. To put it bluntly, there are just so many more fuckbois out there than there used to be, and this is especially so in the younger market.

The amount women typically sacrifice within a relationship where children are/will eventually be a part of it is a vulnerability risk. If you're looking for a good, long-term relationship, not a hook-up, you have to have very high standards. So someone who is too hungover to get his shit together to follow-through on a date that he enthusiastically put on the table in the first place should be seen as immediately disqualifying himself as a relationship prospect.

I think too many women take a very casual, scattergun approach to looking for a long-term relationship. We should be treating it with the seriousness that we'd take when choosing a university degree, shaping a career or buying a house, all of which, frankly, are lower-stakes choices than picking a life partner. But a lot of people are still stuck in the thinking that you can head out to a bar, down a few margaritas and meet the man of your dreams by chance.

"I just can’t understand why one day he wants to see me, and less than 24 hours later he doesn’t."

He's probably got several people on the go or has seen someone that he finds more appealing.

OLD is like shopping. You can put a few things in your basket...

It’s not the messages during the week that were the issue here. As @Theredfoxfliesatmidnight perfectly put, you not only accepted his utterly shit excuse for cancelling but then went all in with alternative dates, times etc. The answer to “I’m cancelling our date due to a hangover” should have been “that’s a really poor excuse to cancel so let’s just leave it at that. Bye”.
Can I tell you a story? I had a terrible dating pattern in my 20s. I was needy and insecure and desperate to please. With the two guys I dated before I met my now husband in particular, I utterly cringe at the behaviour I put up with, and I would have answered a hungover one of them with the same responses you did. When I met my now-DH, we’d had a couple of dates, had an arrangement for him to pick me up at 7pm one night, and I got a call from him at 6.50 saying he’s met a few pals in the pub and would I mind if we rearranged our date so he could go drinking with them instead? I was all dressed up and putting my lippy on at this point. Now the old me would have sweetly said “oh no problem” and given him alternative dates and a free pass to treat future me like shit. However at that point I’d identified that the people-pleasing, wet blanket-me was not doing me any favours. So I told him that we had an arrangement, I wasn’t ever going to be a back-up option and that if he wasn’t at my door in ten minutes he’d never see me again. He was at my door in 5, and apologising profusely. He never did anything like that again, and tbh I’ve never been a people-pleaser since. It’s very liberating. People will treat you the way you allow them to.

Thank you all for the further responses. Super helpful. I replied to him with further dates because I genuinely thought he was sorry and he wanted to see me. Looking back in hindsight, what a load of bullshit that was. I am not savvy enough by the sounds of it.

I’ve still not heard from him (of course).

I know I’ll move on, and it’s fine, but even my best friend who has dated hundreds of men, still thinks this situation is weird, and quite frankly, a bit harsh because his change in behaviour came out of nowhere.

He doesn't sound like he's worth it

This kind of thing is so common in dating. People change their minds or get high on the attention. I agree that the best way to handle this kind of thing is to blow them off in return. However, I also know the feeling as I've been there. I learned that it's best not to engage too much by text until the second date / when a guy has shown in his actions he's invested, otherwise that person is treating me like a girlfriend without me actually being one - they haven't earned that level of attention from me.

And it's common to react the way you did after a guy pulling away. But this is another reason to not let someone be so 'into' you without knowing you first.
Don't get invested early on. Learn to be happy with yourself without the attention of anyone else. Be happy alone first.