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Original poster

Disappointed, let down and confused…

87 replies

popfizzle1028 · 08/12/2023 23:21

I met a guy last week when I was out and he seemed so nice. We had a good time together, swapped numbers and have been messaging since. We arranged a date for tonight but he cancelled at lunchtime saying he was too hungover but did ask to re-arrange. I gave him days when I was free, including this weekend, and he just hasn’t replied…

I know this probably sounds over-dramatic, sensitive, silly bla bla bla.. but I feel so crap about the situation. He’s been keen all week, saying he was looking forward to the date. I’ve got my hopes up and I just think he’s either going to ghost me, or say he doesn’t want to go on a date anymore.

I just don’t understand why men act like this? How can he change his mind so quickly? I find it pretty hurtful and everytime I think I’ve met a nice guy who I genuinely click with, and I thought this guy was one of them, they pull away. It does nothing for my self confidence. Please be kind in your replies. I know I have to work on my own self validation first but I honestly think sometimes I’m never, ever going to find a partner. This has happened too many times this year and I’m losing faith.

OP posts:
jolies1 · 09/12/2023 09:14

I don’t think you were too needy messaging him during the week, but made it a bit too easy for him sending a list of available dates. If he really wanted to see you he would be making an effort to plan a date especially if he has messed up, not a lukewarm query of when you’re free. He could have suggested alternatives (a walk, dinner, a film) if he wasn’t up to drinking. Or “are you free on Sunday? We could do x, y, z.” Possibly if he has no better options he will keep you on the back burner and message you on one of the days you said you’re free to ask you out.

readymealeater · 09/12/2023 09:14

CheekyHobson · 09/12/2023 09:09

It wasn’t like he just cancelled the date and said nothing else. If he had done that and then I went back with other times I was free, fine, but he didn’t.

You seem to be gliding right past the fact that he cancelled your first date because he was too hungover.

If he was genuinely all that into the date, he would not have gone out the night before and gotten so trashed that he couldn’t face the date the next day. It doesn’t matter that he asked when else you would be free before ghosting. The fact that he fell down at literally the first point where he had to put in any real effort (text messaging is not effort) is all the information you need about how seriously to take this guy.

Perfectly stated!

Better than my ramblings!

OP - THIS is how to analyse a man you are dating.

muchalover · 09/12/2023 09:20

If he wanted to spend time with you he would secure that time with you. It would be nailed to the wall. He didn't.

Read (not the film) he's just not that into you. It's a slim book but really gives great information.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
KitchenSinkLlama · 09/12/2023 09:27

It's very true that you should trust a person based in their actions not thier words.

His words are very cheap as he has failed to live up to them with his actions.

I wouldn't give this one anymore thought. I hope you are feeling better soon OP.

tothelefttotheleft · 09/12/2023 09:32

On a different thread @Tiiiily said

Don't let an old flame burn you twice.

Applies here too.

BlackJumpsuit · 09/12/2023 09:34

In addition to things that other people have said, sometimes it's about the chase. They pursue you and then when they've "got" you, ie they're going on a date with you, suddenly it's not very interesting and possibly even they feel under pressure/trapped.

ILoveMoonDaisies · 09/12/2023 09:42

I hope you can plan to do some nice things this weekend OP and after a few days he won't be in your thoughts so much. Then I hope he contacts you and you can say "thanks but no thanks" and feel pleased with yourself that you don't tolerate this kind of behaviour because you can do so much better. You sound kind and generous-hearted. Don't give up on meeting someone who sees you and your qualities and can't wait to spend time with you. 💐

GreatGateauxsby · 09/12/2023 09:47

My 2p…

he has a girlfriend / wife etc.
OR
he was unsuitable and saved you a year of your life.

  • the fact he was unable to moderate his drinking knowing he was meeting you is an indicator.
  • the fact he was unable to moderate his drinking and wasn’t willing to push through the hangover and make the effort to come and see you is an indicator
  • the fact he wasn’t apologising profusely and trying to rearrange something thoughtful and lovely…that would be another indicator.

As an aside I know how sole destroying and heart breaking it is when trying to meet someone.
Hang on in there…
the right guy WILL go the extra distance.

On my first date with my husband circumstances were such I had to cancel our Thursday date due to work commitments which I found out about the day before. We were both going on holiday (separately obvs!) on the Friday night / sat AM.
i asked if there was any chance he was free that evening.
He said yes without hesitation.
from that first date his actions consistently showed I was a priority.

About 6 months later I met a friend of his and found out he’d adjusted plans with this friend as he was supposed to meet him on the Wednesday evening. My DH also ended up buying a new shirt in a TM Lewis in a train station which the staff steamed the creases out of for him as he explained he had a hot date and NEEDED to impress 😅😅😅

This is the level of enthusiasm you are looking for.

readymealeater · 09/12/2023 09:50

About 6 months later I met a friend of his and found out he’d adjusted plans with this friend as he was supposed to meet him on the Wednesday evening. My DH also ended up buying a new shirt in a TM Lewis in a train station which the staff steamed the creases out of for him as he explained he had a hot date and NEEDED to impress 😅😅😅

This is the level of enthusiasm you are looking for.

Wow, yes, indeed it is! ❤

Original poster
popfizzle1028 · 09/12/2023 09:53

Thanks everyone for your really kind replies, they are helping 🥺

He did apologise when he cancelled. But, I’ve still not heard from him even though I messaged early yesterday evening. I think I need to delete his number and our conversation.

Urgh just find it all so draining to be honest and genuinely wonder am I ever going to meet someone who likes me.

OP posts:
Bippitybobbityboing · 09/12/2023 10:14

popfizzle1028 · 09/12/2023 08:58

To people who said don’t be needy etc, do you think I should have not replied to his messages during the week then? And kept it very low key?

Well cancelling a date due to a hangover is rude and a massive red flag that alcohol is a problem for him and/or you are not important enough for him to moderate his drinking the night before.

This would be making me back quickly away.

In your shoes I would have responded with a brief, frosty message.

Maybe just "ok" or "hope you feel better soon" if I was feeling generous. But I certainly wouldn't be too quick to give alternative dates. If they're really interested let them make an effort.

GreatGateauxsby · 09/12/2023 10:27

Urgh just find it all so draining to be honest and genuinely wonder am I ever going to meet someone who likes me.

🫂🫂🫂 Hugs
I SO know this feeling.
I wasn't trying to brag about my DH btw I trawled through a variety of human effluent for 4 years to find him on tinder 😬

It is genuinely a numbers game... keep your eye on the prize and rever to focus on what you want.
Also you are further away from happiness when you are in a bad relationship than when you are single

I reread this more than once when online dating 🤣
waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html

SWSO · 09/12/2023 11:01

Let them chase you - Don't chase them .

Original poster
popfizzle1028 · 09/12/2023 11:05

Yeah I’ve still heard nothing. Think it’s safe to say I’m probably going to get ghosted 🙃

OP posts:
Figroll16 · 09/12/2023 11:14

GreatGateauxsby · 09/12/2023 09:47

My 2p…

he has a girlfriend / wife etc.
OR
he was unsuitable and saved you a year of your life.

  • the fact he was unable to moderate his drinking knowing he was meeting you is an indicator.
  • the fact he was unable to moderate his drinking and wasn’t willing to push through the hangover and make the effort to come and see you is an indicator
  • the fact he wasn’t apologising profusely and trying to rearrange something thoughtful and lovely…that would be another indicator.

As an aside I know how sole destroying and heart breaking it is when trying to meet someone.
Hang on in there…
the right guy WILL go the extra distance.

On my first date with my husband circumstances were such I had to cancel our Thursday date due to work commitments which I found out about the day before. We were both going on holiday (separately obvs!) on the Friday night / sat AM.
i asked if there was any chance he was free that evening.
He said yes without hesitation.
from that first date his actions consistently showed I was a priority.

About 6 months later I met a friend of his and found out he’d adjusted plans with this friend as he was supposed to meet him on the Wednesday evening. My DH also ended up buying a new shirt in a TM Lewis in a train station which the staff steamed the creases out of for him as he explained he had a hot date and NEEDED to impress 😅😅😅

This is the level of enthusiasm you are looking for.

Edited

This!! 🙌🏻

Original poster
popfizzle1028 · 09/12/2023 11:18

I just find it so disheartening how guys can go from being keen to ghosting you. It’s so confusing and just makes me think something is wrong with me.

OP posts:
Figroll16 · 09/12/2023 11:23

Ah try not to be so disheartened OP-I've been single for 8 years and I've found it very hard not to take ghosting/general shitty behaviour personally.

It's definitely NOT you!

Bippitybobbityboing · 09/12/2023 11:27

popfizzle1028 · 09/12/2023 11:05

Yeah I’ve still heard nothing. Think it’s safe to say I’m probably going to get ghosted 🙃

I'm so sorry, dating can be crappy and really hard work sometimes. I gave up and honestly Mumsnet daily reminds me why I'm happy to be single 😆

Just prepare yourself now that you are in "back burner" territory, so he will pop up again full of flattery and gushing excuses.

Be ready to ignore or be extremely frosty when this happens.

MrsDilligaf · 09/12/2023 11:28

popfizzle1028 · 09/12/2023 11:18

I just find it so disheartening how guys can go from being keen to ghosting you. It’s so confusing and just makes me think something is wrong with me.

Reframe your thinking...There is nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong with him.

No decent man would cancel a date with a flimsy excuse.

If he was a decent man, he wouldn't have got that drunk knowing he had plans the next day.

This one is not worth the time you're spending thinking about him.

Original poster
popfizzle1028 · 09/12/2023 11:37

Thank you all 🌷

Maybe I should just delete his number now.

A friend has said though that maybe I should give it once last shot and message him again saying assuming we’re not meeting up this weekend… but I don’t think that’s a good idea…

OP posts:
BigHoops · 09/12/2023 11:49

I'm sorry OP. It absolutely sucks and if he is ghosting you, he's not a person you want to have in your life, let alone as a partner. Know that will feel like scant consolation though. Been there before myself, everything going great, daily chat...and then, nothing. Total silence. It's shit and despite people talking about perspective and not taking it personally...how can you not??

What I will say is, the right guy will come along and when he does, you'll know because there will be no game playing. If that person is right for you, it shouldn't be a problem at all to suggest dates to meet and not feel like you're being too full on. From day one with my now DH, there was never any drama, and I always knew where I stood.

I wish you all the luck and sending a gentle hug. It's brutal but this is a him problem, it isn't you.

BigHoops · 09/12/2023 11:50

Just saw your last message. Please don't give it one last shot. He has your number, he knows you're up for meeting and when. Nothing will change that.

GreatGateauxsby · 09/12/2023 11:50

Noooooo don't do it

Block and move on.

Original poster
popfizzle1028 · 09/12/2023 11:55

Thank you so much @BigHoops. You summed it up perfectly - yes I don’t know the man very well, but it’s so hard not to take it personally or question everything. I know I need to work on not getting attached to guys so easily, but I am struggling to understand how they can just change their mind so easily? Or not even have the decency to message me?

This is the 3rd time this kind of situation has happened to me this year and it really puts me off dating. I really don’t think mentally I am strong enough to deal with it right now.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 09/12/2023 12:02

popfizzle1028 · 09/12/2023 09:53

Thanks everyone for your really kind replies, they are helping 🥺

He did apologise when he cancelled. But, I’ve still not heard from him even though I messaged early yesterday evening. I think I need to delete his number and our conversation.

Urgh just find it all so draining to be honest and genuinely wonder am I ever going to meet someone who likes me.

Waiting around for the wrong guy is like staring at a cup of cold tea and wishing it would get hot. It won’t. You have to toss it out to make room for a new cup of fresh, good, tea. Just ruthlessly toss him out and make room first for yourself, and then for the right person.

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