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Original poster

Spending child’s birthday money on nappies?

127 replies

Bunnycounter · 07/12/2023 00:51

Child turned 2 on Sunday and had friends and family attend a huge soft play party. Everyone brought gifts for the child except one person who put money in a card. Perfect for the child to choose a toy they’d like, or so you’d think. The child’s mum told their relative she’ll spend it on nappies. The relative is unhappy and thinks it should be spent on the child for a gift.
Would you spend your child’s money on essentials?
(To be clear I'm neither party in this situation, I’m the sister of one of them and want to see what you guys think as it’s become a big source of gossip)

OP posts:
pumpkinfarm · 07/12/2023 08:31

I have an 18 month old, and any money she's gotten for birth/birthday/Xmas so far just goes in my wallet and probably gets spent on Costa coffee for me 🤷‍♀️

My child gets everything she needs, and plenty of toys! It's not about taking her money, it's about not ringfensing that exact 20 quid for her - everything just goes into the family pot.

Sure this will change as she gets older and understands money!

SisterhoodNotCisterhood · 07/12/2023 08:33

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2023 00:58

I hate getting money for DD that's not for saving. "Here parent, have yet another chore at a busy time". If the relative wants a specific thing, s/he could buy it.

That's a very good point. My kids now have bank accounts or cash stashed in their room and free access to the shops/twice weekly ice cream/sweets van. But before that I hated when people gave a half arsed effort cash gift and it was up to DH and I to keep note of how much the 3 kids had and to keep hold of it even if we were skint and a direct debit swiped it so we had to remember to pop it back next wage.
For the OP, The money should not have been spent on nappies but that physical tenner is the same as a tenner in the mums bank account and I'm sure she'll buy a £10 toy in the future out of bank account money. If the giver wanted something specific bought in a specific timeframe then they should have bought it instead of giving another task to the mother.

pumpkinfarm · 07/12/2023 08:35

NoItsStillNighttimeDarling · 07/12/2023 08:24

Any cash ours get is put into an envelope and left in our kitchen cupboard as 'petty cash' for the household 😅

I do dip into it each week for money for 2 x playgroups which only take cash or a few pounds for my purse so that they can go on the fucking annoying little ride things in our town centre but apart from that it's used by DH and I for any random cash needs which may or may not relate to the children!

The way I see it I spend a fortune on classes and days out for them (and they are fairly spoiled in that we will fairly regularly take them to the toy shop and let them pick whatever etc) so the cash just offsets a very small fraction---- of these costs!

Exactly this!

It's not about being strapped for cash and having to spend the child's money on nappies. It's about having plenty of money, and therefore there's really no need to spent that exact bit of cash on my child vs buying them something from my bank account.

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TheChosenTwo · 07/12/2023 08:43

I wouldn’t care - if I’m handing money over for a 2 year old then I presume the parent will spend it on whatever they see fit for the child. Be that food to feed them with, heating to keep them warm, or toys to play with.

GMsAWinner · 07/12/2023 08:47

If the parent was really hard up and struggling, so much so having a few extra nappies would keep the child more comfortable for a few days, fair enough. However, a parent who can pay for a party should be able to afford nappies, and if they can't they've got their priorities wrong. Money should be spent on the child, even if it's on clothing with say their favourite character on.

Tinkerbyebye · 07/12/2023 08:49

The child’s 2. They won’t know. If the parent is hard up then I don’t see the issue. If the relative wanted her to buy a toy or whatever then the relative should have done that

Tinkerbyebye · 07/12/2023 08:51

GMsAWinner · 07/12/2023 08:47

If the parent was really hard up and struggling, so much so having a few extra nappies would keep the child more comfortable for a few days, fair enough. However, a parent who can pay for a party should be able to afford nappies, and if they can't they've got their priorities wrong. Money should be spent on the child, even if it's on clothing with say their favourite character on.

How do you know they have not saved up abit at a time over the previous 12 months for the party? Or had family help? The money is now the child’s it’s up to the parent to decide how it’s spent. In this case it’s still spent on the child

user1471538283 · 07/12/2023 09:00

It wouldn't bother me. I used to give my Godson a present and money to his mum to spend on something. Sometimes it went towards a day out or a meal. She may have spent it on essentials for him specifically or the electricity bill. As long as he benefited in some way I didn't mind.

I don't think you can gift money and then split hairs on what it's spent on as long as it benefits the child in some way. My DM used to give me money and try to dictate how it was spent as if I wasn't a grown woman and a mother who knew how to prioritise.

GigiAnnna · 07/12/2023 09:06

I think it's OK to do this if you need the money for other things. Often the child doesn't need another toy. It could be spent on an outfit or shoes or whatever but the cost of these things over the months/ years in general goes way beyond whatever amount the relative gave. Either way the child ends up getting the money back. Unless the child was older and knew that they had the money and what they wanted to spend it on, I think this is OK.

Danikm151 · 07/12/2023 09:10

I ask for money for xmas and birthdays. Any that my son gets is spent throughout the year on days out, shoes, toys he really wants.
family know this and don’t complain

DuploTrain · 07/12/2023 09:16

I wouldn’t announce that I was spending it on nappies, that does sound a bit rude and dismissive tbh.

But I also wouldn’t report back to the relative that I had bought a specific toy with the money.

Any money goes into the family pot here… everything is provided by us for DC and we are saving for them anyway. As someone else said, I’m not going to ringfence a specific £20 when I’m spending a fortune on them anyway.

If pressed by relative I would say I’ve put it in DC savings.

Oliotya · 07/12/2023 09:19

It's up to the parent. There's only so many toys a 2 year old needs, and presumably they already have enough. If you want the child to have toys, buy them toys.

BendingSpoons · 07/12/2023 09:20

Nappies are an essential the parents provide for their child. If they are struggling for money, then it makes sense to prioritise that over a present or other treat. Presumably the issue here is the parents have just paid for a relatively expensive party. So they either have enough money or have overspent and now are short of money. If they have enough money, then using birthday money for nappies is mean. They don't have to buy another toy but could use it towards a day out, going for an ice cream, saving for the summer etc. If they are short on money then fine, but they should maybe rethink their birthday party spending! Either way they WBU to tell the giver they would spend it on nappies!

rainbowstardrops · 07/12/2023 09:24

When my children were younger, any birthday/Christmas money they were given was just put into an envelope for them and was either put in their savings account, I'd buy them a toy or book or whatever that I thought they'd like, or they saved it until they saw something that they wanted to buy. It would never have occurred to me to spend it on nappies or whatever!!! Unless money was incredibly tight of course.
It would seem that I'm odd!!!!

LePanthere · 07/12/2023 09:30

I always give kids of any age cash in a card.
I hate all the tat that comes with kids birthdays and would much prefer either the kid to buy something they actually want, or the parents to use it to buy something they need.
if that’s nappies then fine, you can’t dictate what people spend money on!
personally where my kids get cash i give them half to spend and keep the other half and put it towards my mortgage.
the house is theirs when I die so I essentially see it as saving on their behalf. When my brother found out he stopped giving her cash and gives gift vouchers instead. Fair enough 🤣

Inyourwildestdreams · 07/12/2023 09:31

I personally wouldn’t think to spend it on “essentials” unless I was really struggling. I opened a bank account for DS at birth and anything he gets goes in there - cash given at birth to get something he needs (we already had everything), cash given for birthdays/christmas etc and pocket money that GPs sometimes give him.
He has more than enough toys and we are currently able to provide him with all the essentials that he needs, so I choose to save it for him when he’s older.

He’ll still get something he needs with it at some point, I just feel that he’ll benefit more from having access to cash when he’s older than he will from having yet another toy car or playdoh set 😅

But if I was in any way struggling to provide for him I’d be using the money to cover what he needs.

Katela18 · 07/12/2023 09:33

Personally this would only be acceptable if the were completely skint, in which case they shouldn't be throwing a big soft play party!

If mine get money I either take 3year old to Smyths (other toy stores are available) and let her pick something, or for 1 year old I'll buy books or something else he'll like. A few times i've put it into their savings pots to go towards bigger things (for example a swing and slide for the garden). But it also goes on them, not essentials.

Mariposista · 07/12/2023 09:35

This is why you don’t give money to a child this young - their parents can intercept it and spend it as they wish.
get a voucher for a toy store or actual gift. Or put the money directly into the child’s account

ManyATrueWord · 07/12/2023 09:36

Why did she have to say anything? That was gauche.

Justfinking · 07/12/2023 09:59

pizzawinecake · 07/12/2023 00:59

Na not unreasonable. There are only so many a toys a 2 yr old can have. Or you want in your home. Nappies are useful

I agree with this, and as PP said they should have got a toy if that was their preference

SalmonWellington · 07/12/2023 10:05

Money is fungible - which is a fancy way of saying there's no such thing, really, as 'money for x'. If the mum spends the money on nappies she'll have free money that would have gone to nappies to spend on something else.

Goldbar · 07/12/2023 10:44

Maybe they can't bring themselves to clutter up their house with yet another toy.

Personally, given the gift-giver has complained, I think they should buy the largest, most garish toy they can for the money and ask the gift-giver to keep it at their house for when the child visits. Win-win - child will love it, gift-giver will have a toy for when they babysit and parents won't have to have it in the house.

fairymary87 · 07/12/2023 10:48

I've spent money on days out, swim lessons, nappies, food and sorting out an ant infestation in her room (there was a hole outside they climbed up and got in) so yeah spend it on them how ever you need

xogossipgirlxo · 07/12/2023 11:21

I wouldn’t care, although I would not say what I’m going to spend it on, it’s bit odd. When I gift someone money, I don’t have any expectations what they can spend it on.

Original poster
Bunnycounter · 07/12/2023 11:48

I wasn’t expecting a mixed response of views. I’m on the fence and purposely staying out of it, but I can see for and against on both sides. Money giver is older and had no children of their own, they thought the money would be useful if the child didn’t get a toy they wanted. Child’s mum isn’t skint, possibly doesn’t want anymore toys so can use it as they wish, but I’d personally add the money to the savings. It might be overly dramatic but in a way I’d feel like I’m stealing from my child? Nappies get added to my weekly food shop. I’d never make my children pay for their own nappies. But yes agree if it’s still being spent on the child it’s fine and money giver could have taken the child to pick a toy instead.

OP posts: