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Original poster

What do I do about this man's wife?

91 replies

Wahtnow · 06/12/2023 14:57

I've mentioned it on another thread, but this particular part of the story wasn't the focus.

A man I've know for years and who is part of my core social group tried to kiss me this weekend. Until then, he'd
a lovely "safe" man who I genuinely thought was one of the decent ones. I didn't see that coming at all.

It was on a trip away, everyone had had a lot to drink and unusually, we found ourselves alone together with half the group already in bed and the other half still in the bar.

We'd had a lovely evening, were having a cuppa after retuning the air bnb, when he kissed me.

I stopped him straight away, he was very apologetic, apologised again next day and things have since been entirely normal.

I know and like his wife, although she's not really part of the group because she doesn't share our interest (the reason for our trip). I will see her at least twice in the next month.

What do I do. Tell her? Pretend it never happened? Nothing did happen really. I know people say they'd want to know, but does that include a very very brief kiss after a few drinks?

OP posts:
misssunshine4040 · 06/12/2023 15:04

If it was, I would pretend it never happened.
I would not tell his wife as the messenger always gets shot and he may twist into you tried to kiss him etc.

plumtreebroke · 06/12/2023 15:08

Don't tell his wife you may ruin their marriage over not much, just make sure he knows that nothing is going to happen between you.

HappyHamsters · 06/12/2023 15:08

He was pissed, has apologised and no good will come if you tell his wife, if you do she might just laugh and say oh no not again.

RaininSummer · 06/12/2023 15:12

Pretend it never happened unless he tries again.

LakeTiticaca · 06/12/2023 15:14

agree, say nothing. He was drunk, he made a mistake.
He apologised.
Unless he tries anything again, I would forget it ever happened.

Original poster
Wahtnow · 06/12/2023 15:33

Thanks, that's good, it's what I was thinking, but I was concerned I was being a coward.

OP posts:
Fannysmygranny · 06/12/2023 15:37

It's not worth the flack for anyone as a one off

Yaros · 06/12/2023 15:39

I wouldn’t tell his wife. I would change my opinion of him and spend much less time around him.

StopWithYourNonsense · 06/12/2023 15:41

Pretend it never happened. You'd both been drinking, he said sorry afterwards. I'd spend less time with him, though.

Original poster
Wahtnow · 06/12/2023 15:43

Yaros · 06/12/2023 15:39

I wouldn’t tell his wife. I would change my opinion of him and spend much less time around him.

I only ever spend time with him in the group anyway. We became separated that night, the circumstances around that are a bit vague tbh, but it's v unusual for us to be alone together.

If I avoid the group, I lose pretty much my whole social life.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 06/12/2023 15:46

One drunk mistake, I'd pretend never happened. People do make mistakes (you as much as him, perhaps?)

But yes, if anything happens again, then I think you should tell her (being the wife who is last to know is a pretty shitty position).

So to minimise the chances of ever finding yourself in that position, don't be alone with him especially if alcohol involved.

Angrycat2768 · 06/12/2023 15:47

Wahtnow · 06/12/2023 15:43

I only ever spend time with him in the group anyway. We became separated that night, the circumstances around that are a bit vague tbh, but it's v unusual for us to be alone together.

If I avoid the group, I lose pretty much my whole social life.

Show quote history

It's not for you to leave the group. He tried to kiss you when he's married. If he's embarrassed ir can't resist you it's for him to leave the group or make sure it foesnt happen again.

ClimbEveryLadder · 06/12/2023 15:59

AuntieStella
People do make mistakes (you as much as him, perhaps?)

Wow victim blaming in action, what do you think the OP did wrong?

Mrsttcno1 · 06/12/2023 16:17

Maybe I am going against the grain but I would tell his wife, or at least I would tell him that he needs to tell his wife. Putting myself in his wife’s shoes, I would 100% want to know. Being drunk for me is absolutely no excuse, you’re never so drunk that you forget you’re married, and I would absolutely hate to find out months down the line and know I’ve been spending time with the pair of you for months completely unaware.

Missingmyusername · 06/12/2023 16:19

Can of worms. She will want to know everything, you say it is all a bit vague…. He could blame you.
I wouldn’t say anything on this occasion.

Original poster
Wahtnow · 06/12/2023 16:20

Mrsttcno1 · 06/12/2023 16:17

Maybe I am going against the grain but I would tell his wife, or at least I would tell him that he needs to tell his wife. Putting myself in his wife’s shoes, I would 100% want to know. Being drunk for me is absolutely no excuse, you’re never so drunk that you forget you’re married, and I would absolutely hate to find out months down the line and know I’ve been spending time with the pair of you for months completely unaware.

What would you do with the information as his wife though? How would it help you? I don't think anyone would leave over it, but it would cause a lot of unhappiness.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 06/12/2023 16:21

As long as it never happens again I’d treat it like a stupid, drunken mistake on his part.

Original poster
Wahtnow · 06/12/2023 16:25

Missingmyusername · 06/12/2023 16:19

Can of worms. She will want to know everything, you say it is all a bit vague…. He could blame you.
I wouldn’t say anything on this occasion.

I don't think he would blame me or at least he's taking full and complete responsibility up to now, but I guess if desperately defending himself at home he could.

It would also be entirely likely that other people would get to hear about it and I can't see how that would be anything but awful for me.

My only concern, but it's not a big one and none of my business, is it might not be the first time. He has a reputation in the group of being a nice guy, but when this has come up in conversation he always says "I'm not as nice as you all think I am, you only see the good bits." He didn't have to flippin' well prove it though!

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 06/12/2023 16:26

Wahtnow · 06/12/2023 16:20

What would you do with the information as his wife though? How would it help you? I don't think anyone would leave over it, but it would cause a lot of unhappiness.

Show quote history

My husband is the man I spend all of my life with, he’s the person I trust above all others, he’s the person I lie in bed beside at night and wake up to every morning- if he had kissed a mutual friend of ours with whom we have ongoing plans to meet, I’d want to know about it.

If nothing else because a happily married person does not just decide to kiss someone else when drunk. There are either already feelings/inappropriate thoughts there sober, or sometimes I think it can happen if that person is just unhappy in their marriage. Either way, I’d want to know. Because actually if my husband did that, then he wouldn’t be the person I currently think he is, and I deserve to know who I’m sharing a bed with at night. Whatever I would decide to do with that information isn’t your concern, that would be my decision, but it’s not fair not to tell her especially if you are going to be continuing to spend time together. Imagine she finds out in a few months and is then sitting looking back at all the times you’ve spent together since, she will feel a fool, and that’s not fair.

I have once been so drunk I mistook my Compeed plasters for pieces of bacon and tried to grill them for a snack after a night out, but I’ve never been so drunk I’ve forgotten I’m married or thought it was okay to cheat.

ElAmerico · 06/12/2023 16:28

Well you know how I feel about being friends with men, its a time bomb.
I would put some distance and not tell his wife. However if he tries it on again or if she asks i would tell her everything.

pictoosh · 06/12/2023 16:29

With that, I'd not say anything if only because I cba with the drama myself.

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 06/12/2023 16:32

Personally no I wouldn’t tell her. I see it being very messy and really it’s not your responsibility. As others said though I’d avoid it. Obviously you can’t avoid the group but you can avoid 121 with him eg leave rooms with others if it’s just you 2 in them etc.

oddly as a wife I would want to know. I just can see it being a bit drama for you to get involved in considering it was not you at fault.

FairFuming · 06/12/2023 16:36

Do you know for sure he hasn't already told her? Keep your distance from him as much as you can though.

WhileMyDishwasherGentlyWeeps · 06/12/2023 16:37

Seems obvious to me.

He kissed you. You stopped him. He was contrite then and again the next day.

He did wrong. But he knows that and has been openly sorry about it.

What would be the point of ruining his and his wife’s lives? Let it go.

He’s probably churned up about it all anyway. The best thing would be to speak to him, tell him again that what he did was unwelcome and hurtful but that you won’t act on it. So just move on.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2023 16:42

AuntieStella · 06/12/2023 15:46

One drunk mistake, I'd pretend never happened. People do make mistakes (you as much as him, perhaps?)

But yes, if anything happens again, then I think you should tell her (being the wife who is last to know is a pretty shitty position).

So to minimise the chances of ever finding yourself in that position, don't be alone with him especially if alcohol involved.

What mistake did she make? You think she shouldn't have stopped him?