What do I do about this man's wife?

[Wahtnow]

I've mentioned it on another thread, but this particular part of the story wasn't the focus.

A man I've know for years and who is part of my core social group tried to kiss me this weekend. Until then, he'd
a lovely "safe" man who I genuinely thought was one of the decent ones. I didn't see that coming at all.

It was on a trip away, everyone had had a lot to drink and unusually, we found ourselves alone together with half the group already in bed and the other half still in the bar.

We'd had a lovely evening, were having a cuppa after retuning the air bnb, when he kissed me.

I stopped him straight away, he was very apologetic, apologised again next day and things have since been entirely normal.

I know and like his wife, although she's not really part of the group because she doesn't share our interest (the reason for our trip). I will see her at least twice in the next month.

What do I do. Tell her? Pretend it never happened? Nothing did happen really. I know people say they'd want to know, but does that include a very very brief kiss after a few drinks?

I don't think a kiss, that he may have thought (even if alcohol talking) would be welcome is a form of assault that makes OP a victim.

Lovely evening, going in for a cuppa, it's almost cliched circumstances. And if OP hadn't been drinking too, she might have realised how it could be construed.

It's not intended to be blaming, rather that I was looking at a chole chain of circumstances. Because as OP describes him, he's never shown any sign of being a creep. So if someone is going to act out of character, there can be all sorts of reasons. So yes, I do think it's worth avoiding being alone with him, unless the aim is to foster the circumstances whereby it might happen again.

TBF to op, it isn't always a time bomb, it's perfectly reasonable to think you can be alone with a male friend without him trying to shove his tongue down your throat

I feel for you OP. Fucking men!
I had this not long ago. The "safe" man I'd known about ten years and never thought he'd push the boundaries.
In my case the wife was a good friend and is hopelessly in love with this prat. So I distanced myself.
I didn't feel able to brush it under the carpet and be around him. I honestly couldn't face her as she was going through a tough time and I felt like I'd be sticking the boot in if I'd told her.
So, no helpful advice. Just wanted to sympathise. You go along minding your own business and these blokes wreck things. I've had this happen more than once but I was particularly shocked as we're all 40s, 50s and I thought christ it never ends.

I would want to know. I've been pissed many times in the 30 years we've been together and never felt the inclination to snog anyone else (and there would be hell to pay if I found out DP ever had).

I think you’ve done entirely the right thing OP. Especially if you’ll now avoid being alone with him again. It doesn’t matter if this is a one off that he’s horrified about himself and has decided he’ll never drink again, or a one of a string of women he’s tried it with. There is no point in destroying your own social life. If he’s a repeat offender he’s likely to destroy his own marriage soon enough.

Is he a nice guy?
Is he on top of the slippery slope of plunging into stupid adulterous behaviour because he feels lonely etc.
That's no excuse but perhaps he needs a short sharp shock to pull him back on the right tracks.

As a one off, I'd leave it.

People make stupid mistakes, especially when drunk. I've never really believed people who say "Oh, I'd never cheat", I think absolutely everyone is capable of it in the right (/wrong) circumstances.

He did something spectacularly stupid, it was the work of a moment. Is that worth ruining a family for.

I'd be keeping an eye on him from now on though, and expecting him to keep his distance from you a bit. And if he tried it again, then I'd be straight on to his wife, because he obviously didn't learn from the first time.

I'm in camp "don't say anything" but mostly because I think it will backfire on you and make future socialising awkward with what's obviously an important group for you.

I'm a woman who's been married for 20 years and (shocker!) I have snogged someone not my partner in that time - travelled a long way around the world without DH with me, for a stressful event which I'd been anxious about that ended up going really well; drank far too much celebratory champagne with someone I'd had a crush on since before I met DH, and acted on impulse...

It was only a snog and I felt immediately guilty and I confessed to DH as soon as time difference allowed and he forgave me. It was a dumb mistake - a killer combination of relief and champagne and tiredness and hormones - a very specific set of circumstances which haven't repeated in many years since. He's not going to throw away our marriage over it, for which I thank him, but I also think if the tables were turned I'd give him the same grace.

I think it's on the married person to confess their behaviour if they decide to do so. It's not on you to out them to their spouse, since very little happened. But yes in your shoes I'd drink less around him for the foreseeable and definitely avoid being separated from the group.

I wouldn’t tell her because I could not be fucked with the drama, but I am astounded at the PP saying “it wasn’t really anything and he seems very sorry”.

Really??? He’s sorry to OP because she rejected him. Had she not rejected him what would have happened? Sex? An ongoing affair?

The facts are that his wife cannot trust him to go to these overnight hobby events without her. I’d want to know that as the wife. I also wouldn’t tell her if I was you though. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

What?

"A man I've know for years and who is part of my core social group tried to kiss me this weekend. Until then, he'd
a lovely "safe" man who I genuinely thought was one of the decent ones. I didn't see that coming at all"

Yeah, that;s what men are like. You think they;re "safe", but they never are.

I’ve had a few experiences over the years when much younger of these apparently safe men morphing into idiots - always been surprised and always brushed them off . Never once considered telling a wife . In my experience they don’t like being brushed off and aren’t quite as nice going forward - just be aware of that

I don't know, I don't want to think too much about it TBH and I definitely don't want to try and be the person who tries to "save" him, but I don't know anyone with a bad word about him, he's the person we'd all call (male and female) if caught out with a broken down car or failed heating. I and our female friends have been drunk with him literally 100s of times over the last decade or so and I've never heard a whisper of anything like this.

I have thought he looks ill for the last few months so there could be something going on with him, but I'm really not getting involved with that. At best I could ask one of the men to check in with him, I suppose.

I agree, I think the right (wrong?) set of circumstances and stresses can make a cheat out of anyone. I don't think cheats are always automatically awful people either, often miserable people trying make the best of a bad situation. I've no idea if that's what's going on here and want no part of it anyway.

This is the bit that upsets me really, becuase I think ultimately we're all most concerned about how a situation affects us.

What did he think the outcome was going to be? Just a kiss, sex with half our friends sleeping in adjacent rooms and the others due back any time, drop me as soon as it was done, an ongoing affair? Never mind him, who does he think I am?!

I doubt he thought past the moments desire to kiss you op.

I'd prioritise my own interests and say nothing. Yes, the wife might prefer to know. But that wouldn't be enough to persuade me to take the risk, especially not with no possible benefit to myself.

I can sort of see this view, but I think it’s a very sad state of affairs whereby we only do things that benefit us personally. What happened to looking out for other people?

When I was in your shoes I told his wife.
Turns out it wasn't the first time and she left him not long after.

When my ex kissed someone else our group of friends kept it secret even when it went on into an affair, until it came out months later and I lost all those friends as they clearly didn't respect me enough to tell me and hid it from me making them dishonest.

I don't trust anyone now.

It's not a mistake. Many people get out of their minds drunk and manage to not kiss others. Funny that.

I would always tell the partner and risk the consequences having been in both positions.

As we've no way of knowing whether the wife would actually prefer to be told, it's always going to be a stretch to frame this as looking out for someone else. The OP is balancing her own definite interests with what can at best be a vague guess about someone else's.

But even if she did prefer to know, nope that doesn't impose a moral obligation on the person who did nothing wrong to be the person to tell her. Especially not when there's a realistic chance it turns into a shoot the messenger situation. It's simply too much to ask.

This happened to me once and it didn't even occur to me to tell his wife. They are still happily married ten years on.

A drunken lunge means NOTHING. Please don't mention it ever again. So much damage for no reason whatsoever.

Oh god no, don't say anything. I wouldn't want to know if this was my husband and nothing had happened. I think you've both handled it graciously to this point.

But that’s the point, we may not know if the wife would WANT to be told, but as his wife she does DESERVE to know. What she chooses to do with that information is completely up to her, but I think in a world where women really should be looking out for each other of course she deserves to know and if I was the OP I would tell her because if the roles were reserved I would want to be told.

I would probably feel differently if OP never had to see him/his wife again, but as she does have to continue spending time with them, I can’t see how you could argue that the wife doesn’t deserve to know what happened between her husband and their mutual friend. Imagine she finds out months down the line, she will feel the pair of them have been laughing at or talking about her for months.

You’re exactly right that OP did nothing wrong, and if that is the case then why not look out for a fellow woman and tell the truth?

If everybody only looks out for themselves and keeps these men’s secrets for them, all that happens is men get to continue lying, cheating, abusing women as none of them think it relevant to give a “heads up”.

I’d say nowt unless it happened again.

It wasn't your point, you were talking about looking out for other people and the fact that we don't actually know what that means here is vital. The stuff about deserving to know all comes from a perspective that it's better the DW knows, which she may or may not share. It would be just as easy to argue that she deserves to be spared the pain and embarrassment of being placed in the situation where she's told. You can articulate what you think your own interests would be in this situation, you cannot decide it for someone else.

Your last paragraph, incidentally, is disgusting. The OP is a recipient of a man's unwanted attentions. It isn't the fault of women that men behave badly, and we don't have the power to prevent that simply by talking about it. When women disclose things like this, they get blamed. Often even by other women. Women are not responsible for men's abusive behaviour, and nobody who thinks that is remotely qualified to tell women what they should be doing.