What do I do about this man's wife?

[Wahtnow]

I've mentioned it on another thread, but this particular part of the story wasn't the focus.

A man I've know for years and who is part of my core social group tried to kiss me this weekend. Until then, he'd
a lovely "safe" man who I genuinely thought was one of the decent ones. I didn't see that coming at all.

It was on a trip away, everyone had had a lot to drink and unusually, we found ourselves alone together with half the group already in bed and the other half still in the bar.

We'd had a lovely evening, were having a cuppa after retuning the air bnb, when he kissed me.

I stopped him straight away, he was very apologetic, apologised again next day and things have since been entirely normal.

I know and like his wife, although she's not really part of the group because she doesn't share our interest (the reason for our trip). I will see her at least twice in the next month.

What do I do. Tell her? Pretend it never happened? Nothing did happen really. I know people say they'd want to know, but does that include a very very brief kiss after a few drinks?

I wouldn't say anything, people do way way way worse things. Relax, unless he tries it on again of course.

I would tell too. Because I would want to be told.

Goodness so much angst. I doubt he was thinking if he was pissed. So unlikely to be premeditated.
to be honest, I’d not say, but I’d want to know, as hypocritical as that is. Not so I could dump him, but so I could give him a rollicking then take the piss and apologise profusely to the woman that I was married to such a twat.

I think it’s really unfair that people who are saying ‘you don’t know if the wife wants to be told therefore don’t tell her’ are also saying it’s ‘just a drunken kiss’ and dismissing it. You also don’t know if the wife would share this view. So you’re contradicting yourselves there.

The point, I think, is you don’t know either way. And because of that, the wife should be afforded the courtesy, as an autonomous human being, of making her mind up based on the facts. IF the situation would devastate her, all the more reason. You don’t know their relationship because nobody apart from them can know it.

However, I also don’t think it’s the OP’s responsibility to shoulder the possible fallout by being the person to say so. If the OP wants to, that’s fine, but she clearly doesn’t. I do, however, think the moral thing is to have a conversation with the man and tell him that he really should be telling his wife. Ultimately, if it’s ‘no big deal’ then the wife will forgive him and not care. And if it is a big deal TO HER then it’s her choice to leave him should she do wish. Her not being told is duplicitous and deeply immoral IMO.

@TurningtheLightOff

However, I also don’t think it’s the OP’s responsibility to shoulder the possible fallout by being the person to say so. If the OP wants to, that’s fine, but she clearly doesn’t.

You say the above but then say the OP would be 'duplicitous and deeply immoral' to not tell the wife. So it absolutely does sound like you think it's her responsibility to tell and it really doesn't sound like you think it's 'fine' for her not to.

Read it again. I said I don’t think it’s her responsibility. It’s the man’s. I suggested she should talk to him and urge him to tell the wife.

Adding: I also didn’t say the OP would be duplicitous and deeply immoral; I said it would be duplicitous and immoral for the wife not to be told.

@TurningtheLightOff

Her not being told is duplicitous and deeply immoral IMO.

It wasn't clear to me that this sentence only applied to the husband and not to OP. It read as a blanket sort of summary sentence to me, even though the bit before was about the husband.

Apologies if that wasn't the case.

I would suggest taking this at face value and moving on.

He kissed you once while pissed, stopped when told and apologised not only at the time but the next day.

Not heroic behaviour, no.

But also not proof of intention to shag you on the shared AirBnB sofa, start an affair or having done it before. Or proof that he is a pervert which I think one PP wrote.

All you know for sure is that he kissed someone he shouldn't.

What would his wife do with that info in isolation (which is all you know of)? Probably not leave him.

I'd keep my distance and keep quiet if it remains a one off.

Don't start having talks with him about his marriage and telling his wife. I feel that is sketchier than just telling her or not telling her.

I'm not sure that I'd entirely agree that it means nothing. However drunk you are, you still know what you're doing. You just have more confidence to go for what you want.

This also happened to me before. I also did nothing but he kept trying it on for many months afterwards. I couldn't avoid him because we worked together.

I never told his wife, but sometimes I feel a bit guilty about that. It's not an easy decision to make.

I do disagree with you there, I’ve been drunk and did things I’d never consider sober, and woke up and thought fuck me what was I thinking.

I agree both ways. I don't think anything comes out drunk that wasn't already there, but drinking reduces inhibitions so whilst there might be people I find attractive, but wouldn't dream of telling them sober, it might happen after a drink, for example.

I'm going to disagree with you strongly here. I was once arrested for breaking into a building site and sitting on a steamroller. I also once ate an entire raw onion while drunk.

Neither of these things were things I desperately wanted to do while sober but just didn't have the confidence, they were things I did because my brain was short circuiting and thought they'd be a laugh.

Being drunk doesn't just make you more confident. It inhibits your reasoning, ability to predict consequences, to link action and reaction.

I said in a previous post that I think everyone is capable of cheating while drunk, even the ones who claim they never would. I don't think it's because they lack the morality not to cheat. Its because once you get to a certain level of drunk, you brain loses the ability to reason "If I kiss this person, that means that I'm cheating on that person". "If I kiss this person, then tomorrow I'm going to feel incredibly guilty, tell my wife, and my relationship will end"

Absolutely this.

I wouldn't say a word but his card would be permanently marked and I would avoid him completely.

He's possibly a bit of a sleeze but either way avoid.

@Bobbotgegrinch

I expect that you were doing these things to elicit a laugh, get attention or entertain your friends. It's just a more extreme version of what you might do when sober. It's the underlying feeling/motivation that's important, rather than the behaviour itself imo. I don't think that this changes when drunk.

You may be right about the reasoning, but I think it's problematic when you start using alcohol to excuse behaviour. What if you sexually harass a colleague while drunk by touching them inappropriately? Is it ok because you were drunk and couldn't reason that you might upset your colleague and get into trouble with HR?

In both cases I was alone. The onion thing I'd gotten home, was starving and couldn't find anything else to eat. (There was actually loads of stuff to eat)

The steamroller one, I'd been clubbing, started walking home, and.... I have no explanation for it.

But no, I don't think people should be devoid of consequences just because they're pissed. Being arrested for clambering on a steamroller was correct, because I broke the law and did something dangerous. Drunk drivers should go to jail, people who sexually assault their colleagues should lose their jobs and also go to jail.

Actions taken while drunk should have consequences, because hopefully the fact they do will stop you from getting that drunk.

In this case though, barely anything happened, and the consequence should reflect that. This guy tried to kiss OP, and OP backed off before he could. Had OP been into it, we don't know what would have happened. They might have ended up having a torrid affair, or his drunken brain might have kicked in 10 seconds into the kiss and realised that he was cheating on his wife. What we do know is that he stopped as soon as he was asked, and expressed remorse and shame, both straight away and after sobering up. As a result, I'd say as a one off, telling his wife would be a bit extreme. I'd hope that the knowledge that he's capable of this would stop him getting so drunk in future. If he tried it again though, I'd be straight onto the wife.