Page 3 | What do I do about this man's wife?

Wahtnow · 2023-12-06T14:57:26+00:00

I've mentioned it on another thread, but this particular part of the story wasn't the focus. A man I've know for years and who is part of my core social group tried to kiss me this weekend. Until then, he'd a lovely "safe" man who I genuinely thought was one of the decent ones. I didn't see that coming at all. It was on a trip away, everyone had had a lot to drink and unusually, we found ourselves alone together with half the group already in bed and the other half still in the bar. We'd had a lovely evening, were having a cuppa after retuning the air bnb, when he kissed me. I stopped him straight away, he was very apologetic, apologised again next day and things have since been entirely normal. I know and like his wife, although she's not really part of the group because she doesn't share our interest (the reason for our trip). I will see her at least twice in the next month. What do I do. Tell her? Pretend it never happened? Nothing did happen really. I know people say they'd want to know, but does that include a very very brief kiss after a few drinks?

Mrsttcno1 · 06/12/2023 19:26

TrashedSofa · 06/12/2023 18:34

It wasn't your point, you were talking about looking out for other people and the fact that we don't actually know what that means here is vital. The stuff about deserving to know all comes from a perspective that it's better the DW knows, which she may or may not share. It would be just as easy to argue that she deserves to be spared the pain and embarrassment of being placed in the situation where she's told. You can articulate what you think your own interests would be in this situation, you cannot decide it for someone else.

Your last paragraph, incidentally, is disgusting. The OP is a recipient of a man's unwanted attentions. It isn't the fault of women that men behave badly, and we don't have the power to prevent that simply by talking about it. When women disclose things like this, they get blamed. Often even by other women. Women are not responsible for men's abusive behaviour, and nobody who thinks that is remotely qualified to tell women what they should be doing.

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Really? I’m not saying that it’s the fault of women that men behave badly. What I AM saying is that as women there’s often nothing we can do to change or prevent the way men choose to behave, whether that’s lying, cheating, abuse, but what we CAN do is WARN EACH OTHER when we encounter one of these men. Looking out for each other means giving the facts so that then other women can decide for themselves what they want to do.

If I walked down an icy path, slipped and fell over, and then I see you about to walk down that same icy path, the right thing to do would be for me to warn you “be careful, it’s an ice rink there, you might slip”- then the choice is yours, you can either proceed down the path as you were and risk slipping, you could walk down the path but more slowly and holding onto something for support to avoid slipping due to knowing the risk, or you could decide it’s not worth the risk at all and choose a different path. But if I hadn’t told you the path ahead was icy, you’d have slipped and fell just like I did.

MsClarice · 06/12/2023 19:40

Never mind his wife. He's crossed a line and, if it was me, I'd cease contact. Because that's what I'd expect of my OH, if the situation was reversed.

Its simple to me, maybe different for others.

TrashedSofa · 06/12/2023 19:41

Quite the goalpost move then @Mrsttcno1 . You wrote:

'If everybody only looks out for themselves and keeps these men’s secrets for them, all that happens is men get to continue lying, cheating, abusing women as none of them think it relevant to give a “heads up”.'

But you now admit that women can't prevent men choosing to abuse, so why write that in the first place? Men get to continue abusing women regardless of whether women talk about it, not least because women are so often disbelieved. Pure victim blaming.

Also, your icy path analogy is bad for two reasons. One is that you can reasonably assume the other person' would want to be warned about the icy path, whereas you cannot assume the same in OPs situation. Two, there is no risk to you from telling the other person about the icy path, whereas there's a significant one here. It's not remotely like the situation OP finds herself in.

Original poster

Wahtnow · 06/12/2023 19:51

MsClarice · 06/12/2023 19:40

Never mind his wife. He's crossed a line and, if it was me, I'd cease contact. Because that's what I'd expect of my OH, if the situation was reversed.

Its simple to me, maybe different for others.

How would you do that exactly? Without telling the rest of the group, the only way I can see to do it is to stop seeing all my friends and lose my hobby?

You'd want your OH to do that because of the actions of someone else towards him, even though he behaved correctly?

OP posts:

MsClarice · 06/12/2023 20:00

@Wahtnow yes. If the group/hobby was entirely dependent on having to see this guy then yes. If he's so important to himself not to step aside, even for a while, I'll leave the group.
That's me. Your choice is yours though.

Mrsttcno1 · 06/12/2023 20:03

TrashedSofa · 06/12/2023 19:41

Quite the goalpost move then @Mrsttcno1 . You wrote:

'If everybody only looks out for themselves and keeps these men’s secrets for them, all that happens is men get to continue lying, cheating, abusing women as none of them think it relevant to give a “heads up”.'

But you now admit that women can't prevent men choosing to abuse, so why write that in the first place? Men get to continue abusing women regardless of whether women talk about it, not least because women are so often disbelieved. Pure victim blaming.

Also, your icy path analogy is bad for two reasons. One is that you can reasonably assume the other person' would want to be warned about the icy path, whereas you cannot assume the same in OPs situation. Two, there is no risk to you from telling the other person about the icy path, whereas there's a significant one here. It's not remotely like the situation OP finds herself in.

What I’m saying in both is that if women don’t ever tell other women when they encounter these slimy, horrible men, then those men get to waltz into another woman’s life who is totally unaware of their past and do the exact same thing again. That’s a fact. If a woman is made AWARE of what that man is like in advance, she can make an educated decision for herself about her involvement with him which is simply not possible without the information. Everything you say is about how awful men can be, and YOU ARE RIGHT SOME OF THEM ARE, so when you come across a bad one, you don’t think it makes sense to let someone else who is involved with them know, so they can protect themselves?

And icy path, of course you can reasonably assume that someone would want to know if their partner is a cheat. A minority might not want to know, and possibly many would choose to do nothing with the information, but most would want the information to decide themselves. Also, lets not pretend you give a fuck about what the wife would want, your entire argument began with the “it doesn’t benefit me so I’m not doing it”🤣 Also, what’s the significant risk to OP for telling the wife here? The husband no longer spends time with her… surely that’s a bonus? Why would anybody want to keep a friend like that about?

If you want to only do things that benefit yourself and live your life that way, that is fine. But there may well come a day where that comes right around and bites you.

For me, OP has done nothing wrong, why not tell his wife- who has also done nothing wrong? Why keep secrets for a cheat? These things always come out, and if it comes out in 3 months after OP has spent multiple weekends with both parties, then suddenly OP’s integrity comes into question as well because if I was the wife I would feel very hurt and embarrassed that it has been kept secret, I’d feel completely betrayed by both. The advice would be different if OP didn’t know the wife, but as they are friends, I can’t imagine keeping that from a friend of mine.

Original poster

Wahtnow · 06/12/2023 20:08

MsClarice · 06/12/2023 20:00

@Wahtnow yes. If the group/hobby was entirely dependent on having to see this guy then yes. If he's so important to himself not to step aside, even for a while, I'll leave the group.
That's me. Your choice is yours though.

My point is how do I make him step aside? The group would function fine without either of us.

OP posts:

itsmylife7 · 06/12/2023 20:10

Say nothing to anyone as they'll probably blame you.

The fact everyone thinks he amazing, or in your case,thought, they all blame you.

Don't be around him when alcohol is being drunk. Keep your wits about you and if he ever tries "anything " again kick or knee him in the balls.

Spacecowboys · 06/12/2023 20:11

I wouldn’t say anything. And if I was his wife I would rather not know that he drank too much alcohol and then made a twat of himself with a mutual friend.
This is assuming it was a one off mistake and he never tries anything again. If he does, then I would feel differently.

MsClarice · 06/12/2023 20:14

@Wahtnow no idea. He won't step aside I'm sure. So I'd do it. I couldn't be doing with having to see him.

I wouldn't get involved with the wife, but if necessary I'd inform the group of your reasons. Not your secret to keep.
Everyone is different, completely up to you.

TrashedSofa · 06/12/2023 20:18

Mrsttcno1 · 06/12/2023 20:03

What I’m saying in both is that if women don’t ever tell other women when they encounter these slimy, horrible men, then those men get to waltz into another woman’s life who is totally unaware of their past and do the exact same thing again. That’s a fact. If a woman is made AWARE of what that man is like in advance, she can make an educated decision for herself about her involvement with him which is simply not possible without the information. Everything you say is about how awful men can be, and YOU ARE RIGHT SOME OF THEM ARE, so when you come across a bad one, you don’t think it makes sense to let someone else who is involved with them know, so they can protect themselves?

And icy path, of course you can reasonably assume that someone would want to know if their partner is a cheat. A minority might not want to know, and possibly many would choose to do nothing with the information, but most would want the information to decide themselves. Also, lets not pretend you give a fuck about what the wife would want, your entire argument began with the “it doesn’t benefit me so I’m not doing it”🤣 Also, what’s the significant risk to OP for telling the wife here? The husband no longer spends time with her… surely that’s a bonus? Why would anybody want to keep a friend like that about?

If you want to only do things that benefit yourself and live your life that way, that is fine. But there may well come a day where that comes right around and bites you.

For me, OP has done nothing wrong, why not tell his wife- who has also done nothing wrong? Why keep secrets for a cheat? These things always come out, and if it comes out in 3 months after OP has spent multiple weekends with both parties, then suddenly OP’s integrity comes into question as well because if I was the wife I would feel very hurt and embarrassed that it has been kept secret, I’d feel completely betrayed by both. The advice would be different if OP didn’t know the wife, but as they are friends, I can’t imagine keeping that from a friend of mine.

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The attempts to justify your repulsive comment about abuse are getting more and more strangulated. You're victim blaming, pure and simple.

And no, you cannot reasonably assume someone would want to know their partner has done this. Even in just this thread, some have said they wouldn't want that. It's arrogant to think your preference is the default here.

That matters a lot because, while I think OP should prioritise her own interests regardless, your whole moral stance here is based on an assumption. You simply do not know. You've just invented the idea that it would only be a minority that would want to know, and even if you hadn't just invented that, it wouldn't tell us what any specific person would want.

It's also very silly to talk about coming around and biting when actually, the thing you advocate OP to do here has a good chance of doing just that. These things do not always come out, that's just not true. And the risk, which should be obvious, is that the friendship group goes tits up for OP. That she's blamed, it's assumed she has some responsibility for a man's bad behaviour (stop me if that sounds familiar to you....) and she ends up being the person it's easier to cut out.

Original poster

Wahtnow · 06/12/2023 20:21

MsClarice · 06/12/2023 20:14

@Wahtnow no idea. He won't step aside I'm sure. So I'd do it. I couldn't be doing with having to see him.

I wouldn't get involved with the wife, but if necessary I'd inform the group of your reasons. Not your secret to keep.
Everyone is different, completely up to you.

You'd really give up your whole social life because of a second of madness from someone who's never done anything vaguely similar before, who apologised and someone you can easily avoid being alone with again?

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2023 20:31

MsClarice · 06/12/2023 19:40

Never mind his wife. He's crossed a line and, if it was me, I'd cease contact. Because that's what I'd expect of my OH, if the situation was reversed.

Its simple to me, maybe different for others.

if your husband was the innocent target of an unwanted kiss, which he clearly rebuffed, you;d expect him to give \up his hobby and his social life associated with it because of someone else's behaviour. that's really unfair

MsClarice · 06/12/2023 20:35

I never said anything about a husband. I'm talking about myself. I couldn't be doing with seeing this guy. Any hobbies I have aren't dependent on one small group.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2023 20:36

Wahtnow · 06/12/2023 20:08

My point is how do I make him step aside? The group would function fine without either of us.

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I imagine the point is to make a big point about how he tried to take advantage of you when you were alone together and therefore it is not tenable to continue on whilst this unsafe pervert is around, such that you shame him into leaving and it all gets back to the wife indirectly

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2023 20:39

MsClarice · 06/12/2023 20:35

I never said anything about a husband. I'm talking about myself. I couldn't be doing with seeing this guy. Any hobbies I have aren't dependent on one small group.

you said that's what you'd expect of your OH.

changeme4this · 06/12/2023 20:41

On this occasion, being the first time, I would let it go, but I wouldn't forget it entirely either. Keep enjoying your group and the reason why you are all together.

If he brings it up again in an apologetic way, I would say along the lines that it has been forgotten but not to try anything like that ever again.

If he does try it again, then stern words must be said and I would make the others aware. Seek a buddy to support you and ensure you are not left in the position of being with him alone every again. Is there some sort of President or coordinator of the group who can assist there?

Original poster

Wahtnow · 06/12/2023 20:43

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2023 20:36

I imagine the point is to make a big point about how he tried to take advantage of you when you were alone together and therefore it is not tenable to continue on whilst this unsafe pervert is around, such that you shame him into leaving and it all gets back to the wife indirectly

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Oh come on, "unsafe pervert"? He'd walked me home safely, without issue, moved in for a kiss and stopped, with apologies, the instant he was asked to.

Its not OK, but I'd still feel physically safe with him.

OP posts:

MsClarice · 06/12/2023 20:44

@SleepingStandingUp no husband luckily but if OH had been innocently kissed, id expect some adjustments in the social scene.

SwordToFlamethrower · 06/12/2023 20:46

This happened to me and I told his wife. She thanked me. Men should be held to account for their shitty ways!

Mum2jenny · 06/12/2023 20:55

I’d say nothing and expect the same of him.
No point in upsetting anyone over a drunken kiss.

Mum2jenny · 06/12/2023 21:00

If it were my dh and it was a drunken kiss, I’d be fine if he told me. And I’d expect a similar response from him if it were me and another person in a similar scenario .

Everyone can do stupid things when they’ve had a few drinks.

Ok, there are ppl out there who never fuck up, but I don’t know anyone in that category

LovePoppy · 06/12/2023 21:26

AuntieStella · 06/12/2023 15:46

One drunk mistake, I'd pretend never happened. People do make mistakes (you as much as him, perhaps?)

But yes, if anything happens again, then I think you should tell her (being the wife who is last to know is a pretty shitty position).

So to minimise the chances of ever finding yourself in that position, don't be alone with him especially if alcohol involved.

Did you actually just blame her for the man’s actions??

wow

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/12/2023 11:34

Wahtnow · 06/12/2023 15:33

Thanks, that's good, it's what I was thinking, but I was concerned I was being a coward.

No, you've done nothing wrong and it's not your problem : don't humiliate her by telling mutual friends though

Original poster

Wahtnow · 07/12/2023 11:36

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/12/2023 11:34

No, you've done nothing wrong and it's not your problem : don't humiliate her by telling mutual friends though

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No, I'm not going to tell a soul

OP posts: